All I Want For Christmas Is Fuel

all-i-want-for

Welcome to December.

Christmas is on the horizon. A veritable fuel frenzy for my kind and a period anticipated with dread by many of our victims. There are those who know only too well the behaviour that will be engaged in which will cause Christmas Day and the surrounding days to descend into misery and chaos. They fear the encroaching festival having endured it year after year. There are others who may be in that first difficult year after their discard and will look back on how Christmas with the narcissist, that first Christmas exceeded any Christmas which had taken place beforehand. Everything was perfect. From the gift shopping together, the family parties, the romantic walks in the snow on a crisp afternoon to the exchange of thoughtful gifts amidst the seasonal and festive surrounds. It was picture perfect and of course was just us hijacking the most wonderful time of the year for our own purposes, using the heightened emotional experience of Christmas to meld with our seduction to make it simply irresistible. The joy and rapture experienced, whether it was attending that first Midnight Mass together, kissing under the mistletoe or singing carols on the way home from the pub, is long gone. All that remains is the memory of that wonderful time and it hurts to be reminded of just how wonderful it was last year, compared to how empty and barren it now feels.

The appetite for Christmas in either case is hugely diminished. The latter, the discarded victim finds no joy in anything any more. There is no desire to deck the halls, no want to attend parties and instead they want the whole thing to be over with as soon as possible. For the former, there is the expectation of grinning and bearing it, making it as good as he or she possibly can, albeit with that lurking fear of it all being brought crashing to the ground as a consequence of the narcissistic temper tantrum that will inevitably appear. Just when you thought it was safe to breathe a sigh of relief, having apparently got through the day unscathed, the narcissist will unleash some kind of fuel seeking behaviour from out of nowhere. Thus, you want the whole thing to be over with as soon as possible.

Yet for our kind, Christmas presents an extravaganza of fuel-gathering activities. From the antics that will be engaged in during the Secret Santa at work, through the attention-seeking activities over Christmas lunch through to the opportunities afforded to draw in addition fuel at alcohol-infested parties, Christmas is a time of optimum fuel gathering. Chief ingredient however amongst this is the sense of expectation. It has been drummed into you to want a perfect Christmas – chestnuts roasting on an open fire, Jack Frost nipping at your nose – the elegant Christmas tree, carols drifting across the frozen air from outside, the feast prepared for all to eat, the beautifully wrapped presents sat beneath the tree, the family traditions, the mandated goodwill to all. There is meant to be peace, happiness and joy. Expectations are raised and of course this just creates more targets for us to aim at.

You have worked hard to ensure the house is spotless, festooned with festive finery, presents bought and wrapped, relatives organised to attend, cupboards fit to burst with fayre and drink. You have endured the mayhem at supermarkets and department stores, anxiously waited for the delivery drivers to bring your online purchases and so forth. You have created the perfect Christmas tableaux and we are ready with our wrecking ball all in the name of fuel.

For the fortunate few who are in the heady days of seduction, Christmas will be truly magical. Nobody does Christmas like our kind – be it the amazing or the abhorrent. As creatures of the extreme, we surpass all belief. For another lucky group, Christmas may well coincide with a Respite Period and thus all is golden, if only for a few days as we put on our best behaviour and drink up the positive fuel lavished on us by grateful friends and family who are relieved not to have to tread on egg(nog)shells this year.

For the majority however, it is to be endured as we disrupt, spoil, wreck and bring drama on the one time when you really, really do not want it. All in the name of fuel as we greedily drink up your frustrated tears, your angry rants and sobbing hysteria as we ruin yet another Christmas.

So, since all we want for Christmas is fuel, what can you expect from our kind at Christmas? The list is almost endless and here are but some of the behaviours that we roll out at this time of year.

  1. Failing to buy you anything or something inappropriate such as a flashlight from the garage last minute.
  2. Berating what you buy for us no matter how thoughtful, how expensive or even if we asked for it.
  3. Refusing to participate in party games or engaging in them and throwing a hissy fit when we lose or engaging in excessive pettiness about the rules.
  4. Turning up late or not at all for scheduled festive events.
  5. Talking in church so people turn and look at us.
  6. Eating food that was to be saved for other people
  7. Making the carol singers stand and sing for some time without offering them anything
  8. Not helping you at all with preparation for Christmas
  9. Arguing about which visitors to receive and when
  10. Telling the children that Santa Claus is not real so they cry.
  11. Telling people what has been bought for them before they can open their present.
  12. Failing to thank people for gifts or putting their gift choices down
  13. Sending obviously recycled gifts to other people
  14. Attending other people’s parties and being drunk and obnoxious
  15. Excessive flirting with other people much to the embarrassment of our other half and hosts
  16. Refusing to play carols and insisting on unseasonal dance music or thrash metal being played
  17. Fiddling on our ‘phones at every opportunity – during Christmas lunch, at church, when the children are opening their presents, when attending drinks at someone else’s house
  18. Purposefully disappearing at inopportune times – Christmas lunch, carol concert, present opening
  19. Picking a fight over trivial items such as the pigs in blankets not being done the way we like them, or too many red baubles being placed on the tree.
  20. Purposefully breaking gifts
  21. Inviting people round and then refusing to answer the door to them
  22. Telling children that you have spoken to Santa and he will not be visiting because they have been bad
  23. Photoshopping a picture of Santa lying in a pool of blood and showing the children telling them that Christmas is cancelled
  24. Refusing to give you sufficient money to buy things at Christmas or claiming that certain things cannot be afforded and then spending a large sum on ourselves
  25. Preventing you from attending social events without us
  26. Putting down your choice of attire when attending a Christmas event
  27. Not clapping and even booing when attending a Christmas show or pantomime
  28. Making grand entrances at parties, grand flourishes when giving presents and ensuring that all eyes are on us.
  29. Getting drunk and insulting people
  30. Competing with the neighbours for the most illuminated and decorated house in the street
  31. Refusing to get out of bed on Christmas morning
  32. Attending sporting events around Christmas and not family ones
  33. Hogging the television and selecting non-Christmas programmes
  34. Demanding the decorations be taken down the day after Christmas
  35. Switching off the oven part way through your cooking so it is either delayed or ruined and then blaming you
  36. Watching you slave over a hot stove and then suggesting to everybody that you go out to eat instead
  37. Turning up empty-handed at parties and blaming you for forgetting the gift/food/drink.
  38. Lavishing attention on one person and ignoring everybody else
  39. Walking around with mistletoe and kissing people for far too long
  40. Disrupting/being awkward concerning co-parenting over the Christmas period.

It all adds up to bah humbug!

What have been your narc nightmares at Christmas?

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129 Comments

  1. Twilight– I want to be normal and not an Empath at least then I wouldn’t feel.

    ^ i want to be normal. i want to go out to lunch. (private benjamin) i think normal people feel. they do not slolemn ski behind the motor boat pulling them full of emotions like we do. empathOLOGY. it is my undoing. the FEELING thing. they feel. just less intense. and have a brain. that they use.

    1. Tappan Zee

      I am dying here…private Benjamin I watched that movie many years ago.

      I know they feel, once thou it would be nice to walk into a room and not feel what everyone is feeling.
      I was feeling really down when I made that comment.

  2. Tappan Zee

    It was a good thing, I was able to think logically vs emotionally

    His family tried to take control

    I have no regrets in the decision I made, many tried to make me feel guilty for them.

    When I broke down it was in private, I dealt with things in my way and moved on. I have made mistakes sense then and have learned valuable lessons.

    Now I love a man, for a moment I was terrified of hurting him. In that moment it seems things have changed. I am not sure if I will ever speak of a side of me again to another. I wish I could rip it from me and buried it deep. It has been nothing but a curse. I want to be normal and not an Empath at least then I wouldn’t feel.

    1. Just Me, have you considered sending HG your application to join the Dark Side? I think there is a good chance it will be accepted.

      LOL

  3. “Telling the children that Santa Claus is not real so they cry”
    😡

    “… insisting on unseasonal dance music or thrash metal being played” 😂

    “Photoshopping a picture of Santa lying in a pool of blood and showing the children telling them that Christmas is cancelled”😡😡

    “… even booing when attending a Christmas show or pantomime”😠😅

    1. That’s great, Ava…I mean super! Learning about Greaters has taken a bit of the joy out of the word “great” for me. (There’s supposed to be a smile emoji on here, but it’s like HG giveth and taketh away my emojis)

    2. I agree with u ava 101. I am 5 months NC. Last Christmas my GN gave me nothing..yet he was sure to let me see him leaving taken others Christmas gifts on Christmas Eve. I sat there and watched the last ‘Fuck I ever gave’..go out the door.

  4. This may sound like a strange question, but if we desire to be a perfect little appliance as a Christmas gift to a narcissist that is still in idealization phase, what might that look like? Showering with compliments, affection and deference? How can we do it the best?

      1. It’s less about me wanting to stay in a golden period and more just wanting to give them the exact version of me that they want, just out of sheer curiosity and experimentation, if that makes sense.

    1. J— if we desire to be a perfect little appliance as a Christmas gift to a narcissist..

      ^ 🙄😳😱🙅

      1. I know what you’re thinking TZ, because I’m thinking it too!! I haven’t read HG’s response yet, but I felt like asking him not to answer that, lol.

  5. My narchole often played santa claus for the children of friends and family. This made christmas really fun for some years, as he got sooooooooooo much attention at christmas, he really got into it. Until the year he played santa to the “underprivileged children” of the 2 “welfare whores” from work. I did plead with him to not make fun of them or call them names to their faces. (Yes, he did slowly show his racism and classism to me. I was appalled, but was already married to him, and thought I could model tolerance and caring to him. :P) When he returned late on christmas eve, and we went out on the “traditional” christmas eve dinner, he still dressed as santa,was when he informed stepson and I, we were too old to be celebrating christmas! “What are you? 2 year olds?!!” He is ranting at us at what a couple of ingrates, while he is posing for pictures with other diners and their children.
    Turns out years later that the “underprivileged children” was his 2 year old daughter with his mistress and all her cousins. He bought and handed out lavish gifts to them, and we did not deserve christmas.
    Christmas became the nightmare HG describes here ever after, until the grandsons were probably 10 & 5. Then he loved to show off what a great guy he was to sons family in law. Celebration dinners out, life of the party at the main family meal, the back to narchole at home.
    Without him last year, christmas was quiet, but peaceful and relaxing.

    No,no, santa, don’t visit my home!!!
    No “Santa Baby” being sung here!!

    1. Hi Perse,
      Wow… the lengths they go to for fuel, yet they hate Christmas… no scruples whatsoever.
      My friend volunteered to be Santa as well. Made his own suit so,he could brag about it (he overdressed it) He looked ridiculous because he’s so short and fat and his voice is on the somewhat high pitched side and so,when he said “ho ho ho” I cracked up. Boy, did he lap up all the attention … did it for years. So sickening 🤢

  6. Ok. Here is “one” Christmas nightmare though not as bad as some peoples’ are.
    Since Narchead was trying to ruin it I took the reins and fucked it up for HIM myself.

    Briefly..The Nightmare before Christmas…short version:

    After quite a lot of shannanigans over a period of time, which included making me cry uncontrollably on my birthday weeks before (another story..much worse than this) ..
    So on Christmas Eve he caused a ruck yet again, just because I wanted to deliver my brother’s Christmas present to him.. as I have done for years around teatime. The narc was otherwise engaged until later so it did not impact on him in any way.

    The details are pretty irrelevant here but he caused problems which would attempt to stop me from delivering my present to one of my only remaining relatives as such.. and my closest relative, as I say, my brother.

    A lot had already happened and this was the final straw.
    I had done (as in HG’s Article describes) everything..all prepared and made sure that everything was wonderful.
    I didn’t live with my narc he was my boyfriend but he would have been staying with me and I had made sure that everything was absolutely beautiful and wonderful.

    Picture postcard..loads of gifts for him under my tree..mine too..

    So he was at my house before the delivery of my brother’s presents and he began again..causing more problems and being horrible to me for no reason at all.

    I snapped.

    I told him to get out and not bother coming back.
    He could not believe this on Christmas Eve and of course he would not comply to this as in not coming back etc… even if initially walking out.

    What I did is continue with my plans and delivered my gifts.
    He tried to contact me relentlessly by phone and I ignored him.
    When I came back home I then parked my car in another part of the neighborhood so that it appeared I was not home.

    I walked home and had the resolve to spend the Christmas by myself without him and it actually felt better than enduring his idiocy and deliberate horrible antics.

    I observed that he parked outside of my house and it turned out that he fell asleep in his car. I was easily able to see him unobserved from my own vantage point and I left him there on Christmas Eve slumped over his wheel.

    I have blackout blinds and curtains or at least I did at the time so from the front of the house it always looks like there is nobody there even when you’re inside with candles and lamps and Pretty Things cosy with the fire and everything.

    No access to the back..gated and fenced etc.

    It is the meanest thing I have ever done and especially on Christmas Eve, particularly with the kind of heart I have, to leave somebody sat outside on Christmas Eve without forgiveness to all men!

    ( even when I went to bed I got up periodically to check from the top window out the front and he was still sat there waiting for me slumped over his wheel)

    I did not rescue him.
    He deserved way more than just being denied access.
    At this point he was getting away lightly in reality.

    Nevertheless I said to myself ‘good grief even the Germans laid down their arms in the war on Christmas and I’m behaving like this??!’
    I felt guilt..but not enough guilt to stop my action. I believed he deserved it. And he did.

    The Christmas before he ruined it for me with behaviours and I said ‘never again’.. however I ended up still being with him and then different things occurred. As I say my birthday beforehand – I just had to take the reins this time.

    I did spend Christmas by myself but it was alright as far as it could be it was certainly better than having him inside behaving in a particular manner.

    He did drive by he did park up on xmas day but because my car was not here he had no idea that I had parked it elsewhere he just never cottoned on.

    I’ve never told anybody I did this, that I left somebody sat outside in a car on Christmas Eve, slumped over their steering wheel waiting for me to come home, when all along I was indoors cosy with movies and enjoying all the things that I had prepared for by myself.

    I am not heartless… but that day? -my heart belonged to me.

    Maybe I am not classed as a super empath but believe me, I play Chess well.

    “Checkmate you fucker..”

    That signalled my withdrawal from him and although it has now been, what is it 15 of months approx since my final final discard of HIM, he still hoovers me, although it has stopped being so intense… he continued to tell me how there’s no one like me how he must be with me how he can’t live without me.

    Notes on my door..gifts.. in the absence of reaching me via other means.

    The thing with me is I’m sharp and sudden if pushed.

    I give all my love and I will care for you ’til eternity but if fucked with I will switch off the tap when least expected.

    If I’m going to have to suffer then it will be by my own hand..not theirs.
    Hard to believe I have that in me but I do.
    And so I have learned a lot more about myself even though I’m relatively in tune generally.

    It gave me no pleasure I admit..
    I took the reins because I had to and rode into the best position, where I made my stand.
    Unfortunately showing a few necessary penetrating teeth.. that continued to bite until final escape.
    Grrrrrr.

    Narcissism ‘Survivor’
    DebbieWolf.
    🐾

    1. Yeah you are way stronger than me!!! I would have caved eventually….but the truth is…..that he chose to stay there waiting…..he could have left….so he put himself in that position….not you! Like your comment…..”checkmate fucker”……lol…

      1. DS2017

        It sounds so brave and resolute..it was. But
        there is no underestimating how bad it felt though.. And that these things rear up later and still pull.

      2. DebbieWolf: no need to feel bad, you did the right thing. Enough is enough, it was his own doing.

        I kicked one ex-boyfriend out of my apartment at night and he didn’t know anyone in the city, so had to stay somewhere outside. I was at a point that I truly didn’t care anymore (and it did him no harm).

        I kicked the one who tricked me to give him money to go to his “grandfather’s funeral”, coming back with a new smart phone, out on New Year’s Eve, as he tried to ruin that, too. Including all his stuff, just threw it out. I will never forget the incredulous look on his face – and he still tried to weasel his way back in a few days later!

    2. DebbieWolf
      You are not heartless and, please, don’t feel guilty. You did the right thing and your story was awesome. Thank you!

  7. Ok. Here is “one” Christmas nightmare though not as bad as some peoples’ are.
    Since Narchead was trying to ruin it I took the reins and fucked it up for HIM myself.

    Briefly..The Nightmare before Christmas…short version:

    After quite a lot of shannanigans over a period of time, which included making me cry uncontrollably on my birthday weeks before (another story..much worse than this) ..
    So on Christmas Eve he caused a ruck yet again, just because I wanted to deliver my brother’s Christmas present to him.. as I have done for years around teatime. The narc was otherwise engaged until later so it did not impact on him in any way.

    The details are pretty irrelevant here but he caused problems which would attempt to stop me from delivering my present to one of my only remaining relatives as such.. and my closest relative, as I say, my brother.

    A lot had already happened and this was the final straw.
    I had done (as in HG’s Article describes) everything..all prepared and made sure that everything was wonderful.
    I didn’t live with my narc he was my boyfriend but he would have been staying with me and I had made sure that everything was absolutely beautiful and wonderful.

    Picture postcard..loads of gifts for him under my tree..mine too..

    So he was at my house before the delivery of my brother’s presents and he began again..causing more problems and being horrible to me for no reason at all.

    I snapped.

    I told him to get out and not bother coming back.
    He could not believe this on Christmas Eve and of course he would not comply to this as in not coming back etc… even if initially walking out.

    What I did is continue with my plans and delivered my gifts.
    He tried to contact me relentlessly by phone and I ignored him.
    When I came back home I then parked my car in another part of the neighborhood so that it appeared I was not home.

    I walked home and had the resolve to spend the Christmas by myself without him and it actually felt better than enduring his idiocy and deliberate horrible antics.

    I observed that he parked outside of my house and it turned out that he fell asleep in his car. I was easily able to see him unobserved from my own vantage point and I left him there on Christmas Eve slumped over his wheel.

    I have blackout blinds and curtains or at least I did at the time so from the front of the house it always looks like there is nobody there even when you’re inside with candles and lamps and Pretty Things cosy with the fire and everything.

    No access to the back..gated and fenced etc.

    It is the meanest thing I have ever done and especially on Christmas Eve, particularly with the kind of heart I have, to leave somebody sat outside on Christmas Eve without forgiveness to all men!

    ( even when I went to bed I got up periodically to check from the top window out the front and he was still sat there waiting for me slumped over his wheel)

    I did not rescue him.
    He deserved way more than just being denied access.
    At this point he was getting away lightly in reality.

    Nevertheless I said to myself ‘good grief even the Germans laid down their arms in the war on Christmas and I’m behaving like this??!’
    I felt guilt..but not enough guilt to stop my action. I believed he deserved it. And he did.

    The Christmas before he ruined it for me with behaviours and I said ‘never again’.. however I ended up still being with him and then different things occurred. As I say my birthday beforehand – I just had to take the reins this time.

    I did spend Christmas by myself but it was alright as far as it could be it was certainly better than having him inside behaving in a particular manner.

    He did drive by he did park up on xmas day but because my car was not here he had no idea that I had packed it elsewhere he just never cottoned on.

    I’ve never told anybody I did this, that I left somebody sat outside in a car on Christmas Eve, slumped over their steering wheel waiting for me to come home, when all along I was indoors cosy with movies and enjoying all the things that I had prepared for by myself.

    I am not heartless… but that day? -my heart belonged to me.

    Maybe I am not classed as a super empath but believe me, I play Chess well.

    “Checkmate you fucker..”

    That signalled my withdrawal from him and although it has now been, what is it 15 of months approx since my final final discard of HIM, he still hoovers me, although it has stopped being so intense… he continued to tell me how there’s no one like me how he must be with me how he can’t live without me.

    Notes on my door..gifts.. in the absence of reaching me via other means.

    The thing with me is I’m sharp and sudden if pushed.

    I give all my love and I will care for you ’til eternity but if fucked with I will switch off the tap when least expected.

    If I’m going to have to suffer then it will be by my own hand..not theirs.
    Hard to believe I have that in me but I do.
    And so I have learned a lot more about myself even though I’m relatively in tune generally.

    It gave me no pleasure I admit..
    I took the reins because I had to and rode into the best position, where I made my stand.
    Unfortunately showing a few necessary penetrating teeth.. that continued to bite until final escape.
    Grrrrrr.

    Narcissism ‘Survivor’
    DebbieWolf.
    🐾

    1. Debbie Wolf

      Good for you-thats how its done. Feel no guilt and dont look back. If a controlling asshole stalks on Christmas eve he should expect and deserves to sleep slumped over his wheel like the loser that he is. That was probably the best gift you ever got at Christmas and you gave it to yourself. Well done also on the 15 months.

      1. Hi Narc Angel

        On my 3rd birthday hoover today.

        Hes been back while I was in the bath and shouted up at the side window that hes leaving something at the door.

        Ive found a gift bag with presents in and a really nice card. He always was good at that stuff.

        it isn’t easy I am doing what I must but it isn’t easy.

        1. Debbie Wolf

          ( Whispering Happy Birthday so HG doesn’t hear). Treat yourself to something llovely.
          My question to HG following is hypothetical but prompted by your situation and not a judgement on how you have chosen to handle it.

          HG
          In a perfect no contact I am assuming the gifts would not be accepted, so would it be best to just leave them on the step so he sees that youre ignoring and not accepting them until he takes them back?(or theyre stolen lol).

          What if you put the bag back out with a note that says the card was binned and not read and the gifts have been donated to charity as will any further offering?

          1. Either bin them straight away without looking or reading – or leave them untouched for a couple of days in case he checks and then bin them.

        2. Oh man, Debbie. I hate it when they’re that nice. It’s emotionally confusing. Think Cold Logic. Hang tough!

    2. Twilight— I go numb when these things actually happen. I hate it.

      ^ #metoo. i know it is natures protection but i can feel delayed pain so much later. years. decades. or nothing.

  8. Hi HG,

    If it’s ok to ask, what kind of narc nightmares did your Matrinarc deploy at Christmas when you were a child?

  9. I could say many of these things happened at any family or social gathering.

    The doctors I worked for threw an amazing Christmas party every year, actually two one the company hosted the second, one of the three doctors of each office hosted for the employees of that office. The first is formal the second informal….I dreaded going to both. My husband never had been invited to a formal anything in his life and wanted to attend sooo we attended. I did not embarrass easily by this point, yet I experience an entire new level of embarrassment that evening.

    The following year he was dead and I went and had a wonderful time. It had only been a month sense his death and many were telling me I looked different, I was smiling more.

    1. Twilight— i am reading this and literally said in my head: ‘he died? you are so lucky he died.’ ikr, harsh. but it is the only ending to a narc dynamic. well done:)

      1. Tappan Zee

        Yes he died. Huge fight as he was dropping me off at work I looked at him and in the coldest tone I told him he would die alone. He did that morning.
        I was finally free if not only him but his family.

        1. Woeeee….wait….wow….hold on….so he died the same morning you told him he would die alone? ummmm……….did you feel bad for saying that to him? Im sure you were shocked!!!!!

      2. This is more or less meant as black humour:
        Do you think that would work with other narcs as well?

        What did he die of?

        ***

        I wouldn’t care if my exnarc would drop dead, either. He told me twice that it wouldn’t matter if I was dead.

        ***
        Believe me, I’ve never missed my patrinarc at Christmas – or any day. I didn’t shed a single tear at his funeral or any other time for him. I cried for the father I never had, though.

    1. Patricia J
      he reminded me of my ULN. What a waste of a good turkey and I am glad you left him at the hospital; he sounded like an ass.

  10. Smashed, my Ex Narc ranted and raved I knew he hated Turkey, struck all ten fingers deep into the back of a piping hot Turkey just out of the Oven, torn it all apart and threw it to the floor. He had second degree burns and I had to drive him to the Hospital.

  11. I worked a 13 hour day and came in the night before Christmas to start cooking and baking for the next day. We were having a large crowd and I stayed up all night to be sure I had made everyone’s favorites. At 5am exhausted I went to nap a few hours before getting back in the kitchen. I set the table and only needed to change my clothes so I asked my husband if he could cut the prime rib. He looked at me and said, “you cut the f—-ing meat.” I wanted to smack him as I was exhausted but I didn’t want our guests to see I was upset. He laughed it up with everyone as I served our guests. After cleaning up and saying goodnight to everyone I went to bed pissed, hurt, and resentful. The next day I was quiet. I was disgusted with him. He appreciated nothing I did.

    1. J…..mannnnn! I wouldn’t have been able to keep my composure after 13 hours…..I would have done something awful!!!!!! seriously like turkey or ham or potatoes or something would be flying!!!!

  12. Oh Christmas, this past Christmas, I knew the end was near (for me at least)!

    My dear f@cking narc bought his favorite (also a narc) son a $350 watch, Beats Headset, and all other kinds of great expensive crap. He showered his other two with gifts (one’s also a narc, the other not), just slightly short of number one though. For me, he slaved the less. He bought me a crappy cheap sterling silver necklace for $99 and wrote a note saying it was good for a couple’s massage. Gee thanks dear.

    That’s when things turned in my mind this piece of sh!t was soon to be done. My Trauma Counselor (TC) already diagnosed me with PTSD and informed me I was married to a narc. Great. My narc was doing everything he could to drive me further into madness. Before my weekly meetings with my TC, my narc didn’t have time for me, but then all of a sudden started insisting we have dinner right afterwards. The good ole’ hoovering act. Oh yes, he poked and prodded, what did you talk about darling, I care so much, I’m concerned and worried, you know I love you.

    While my TC had informed me what he was, that was my secret-not his, I didn’t peep a word to this MF’er. I pretended we talked about my own narc mother, father, brother & sister. Fed him just enough to keep him off track of what was really going on. My shock and tears after each session weren’t for my family, they were for me knowing I had to destroy my own marriage to save myself.

    While my TC was right about his being a narc, I knew I was going to have to handle this one myself. I started studying hard on this new topic, that’s when I stumbled onto HG’s Youtube videos. I couldn’t get the information into my head fast enough and eventually found his website, so I could speed read. Really amazing stuff he puts out there.

    Have to say I was quite surprised at how much I learned, a quick study I was as I hung onto HG’s every word. I took them all to heart and started secretly planning my escape. I put into play a few of my own narc’s favorite games. I wasn’t surprised to learn, he didn’t find them much fun when he was on the receiving end, as he quickly started pouting, then angered, followed by fury, and his disappearing acts became more frequent.

    I wasn’t just ready for the end, but unfortunately, he stepped over the line on our vacation and caused me to go into SNM. My actions afterwards were very deliberate and calculated. He tripped on every single trap, showed-up at the house in a rage (well probably because I drained the bank account) and OMG I called the police and screamed into the phone I’M AFRAID, HE’S CRAZY!

    I kept telling my narc to stop messing with me, he didn’t heed my warning and now he’s sitting in a hotel dying to get back in his own house. How ironic, as that used to be his favorite game….disappearing to hotels for months on end.

    Sit tight, enjoy room service, you freak narc, I’ll see you in court on the 11th.

    1. Super Empath-

      NC stories in progress like these are so interesting…the whole “will she or won’t she succeed” is so fun and suspenseful.

      Just remember-don’t let your guard down, protect your own dirty laundry, and trust no one. My mother thought she had successfully gone NC with my father, and “protected” my brother and I when I was sixteen…then I threatened to expose proof her torrid affair to the world if she didn’t take us to see our father toot sweet.

      If only she had been smarter she would have escaped.

      Be smart.

      BTW, are those children yours as well as his? I speculate from your detached tone when speaking of them that they are only your stepchildren, and soon will officially be nothing to you.

      That’s probably for the best, especially with two narc children. Any or all could be used to spy on you if you were/are in contact with them.

    2. Super Empath
      That was awesome! I’M AFRAID, HE’S CRAZY! Ha ha ha…
      you freak narc, I’ll see you in court on the 11th. Ha ha ha…

  13. Well since hes a Muslim none of this applies but he said my Xmas traditions are charming when we first met two years ago this month

  14. I can’t help laughing out loud to myself reading this. In a way it’s so funny and childish. I never spent Christmas with my narcissist though; I never cared for Christmas at all and I’m just happy if I manage to avoid all the celebrations and all the expectations and spend a quiet evening at home.

    My aversion to this hyped holiday stems from my superbly arranged catastrophic Christmases as a child with my mother and especially my grandmother. There was no end to all the drama.

    It used to start early on with my grandmother picking a fight for not being given a present in her Christmas stocking, or if there was one, it being completely wrong and considered an insult. Then she refused to help with any of the preparations, criticising anything from flowers to food endlessly; later on telling the guests upon arrival that she’d had to manage by herself since no one cared to help. She would speak to certain people, avoid or silent treat others; my mother followed suit, and for me it was a bewildering maze of second guessing whom I could talk to and whom I couldn’t; breaching the unspoken family agreement resulted in me being silent treated sometimes as well. My grandmother boasted, lied, entertained, got angry, started a manipulative scene of running from the table crying. She always managed to tell someone off and make someone cry. She then with good humour proceeded to open all presents, including those not for her, including those for the children, ALL presents, and in theatrical fashion belittled each and everything given.

    She usually bought me a few combs, separately wrapped, and made a big show of unwrapping them one by one, demanding my lifelong gratitude for these gifts bestowed upon me. Her husband by this time, she’d gotten a divorce from my grandfather classifying him as mentally ill a few years earlier, finally got drunk enough to escape the horror by falling asleep on the couch. And he was really lucky, not having to witness her every year ceremony of grabbing some scissors, meticulously cutting his present for her, usually some clothing, into small, small pieces proclaiming his thoughtlessness in buying her a yellow!!! (or black!!! or red!!!) top in a vivid manner while toiling away ceaselessly at her task of destroying Christmas for all and sundry.

  15. NarcMale: “Poor me I only ever get socks and underwear”

    …erm you are entitled to buy what you want when you want all year long. There is nothing left to buy you and that scrotum hanging out your saggy drawers isn’t as sexy as you percieve.

    1. Ha ha ha Sandra.

      that scrotum hanging out your saggy drawers isn’t as sexy as you percieve. Ha ha ha…what a riot!

  16. Unlike a birthday you can do immediate triangulation by simply giving the same gift to immediate family and ex-partners.
    What memories of Christmas do you have when you were at home? I bet matrinarc did some doozies.
    Have a glass of festive tears and dont forget to send out the Christmas disCards.

  17. The sucky thing is, my ex’s birthday is on new years day. So it is a whole season of his Narc Show. When I was pregnant with our child. I went all out to find the perfect dress and jewlery for our christmas dinner. When he saw me, he humilated me by mocking my look. I cried over my fancy, $200/ a plate dinner and he was satisfied. This year, i am giving him christmas to spend with our now toddler child and his new guest, but blocked all contact, because it is better I am not invited to his christmas narc show this year. I have other plans up my sleave.

  18. Terrible as it is, this makes me laugh. So cartoon villain…the game is so transparent in retrospect.

  19. Let’s see…things my father did/does:

    Failing to buy you anything or something inappropriate such as a flashlight from the garage last minute.
    Berating what you buy for us no matter how thoughtful, how expensive or even if we asked for it.
    Refusing to participate in party games
    Turning up late or not at all for scheduled festive events.
    Eating food that was to be saved for other people
    Arguing about which visitors to receive and when
    Telling people what has been bought for them before they can open their present.
    Failing to thank people for gifts or putting their gift choices down
    Refusing to play carols and insisting on unseasonal dance music or thrash metal being played
    Picking a fight over trivial items such as the pigs in blankets not being done the way we like them, or too many red baubles being placed on the tree.
    Making grand entrances at parties, grand flourishes when giving presents and ensuring that all eyes are on us.
    Hogging the television and selecting non-Christmas programmes
    Demanding the decorations be taken down the day after Christmas
    Switching off the oven part way through your cooking so it is either delayed or ruined and then blaming you
    Turning up empty-handed at parties and blaming you for forgetting the gift/food/drink.

    You know, I actually do most of those things myself. Except for putting gift choices down to people’s faces. I’ll wait until I get out of earshot first, then begin. And I’ve never ruined the food preparation. I happen to be rather partial to the food being good. I’m also kind of known for not lifting a finger in the Christmas preparations and being on my phone or laptop constantly during Christmas festivities (much to my mother’s ire).

    But really, obliging me to attend your deadly dull Christmas party for HOURS AND come bearing a food dish AND gifts to boot? AND listen to your boring conversation about nothing? THAT sounds pretty narcissistic to me, and I think it’s time someone took a stand against it.

    Not included on the list though was the dreaded Christmas Photo (the one placed on all the Christmas cards). It took hours because nothing ever satisfied my father, and it was hours of him berating us all…not exactly the kind of thing that makes a huge grin forthcoming.

  20. I must be part evil because I found many of these hilarious.

    “Photoshopping a picture of Santa lying in a pool of blood and showing the children telling them that Christmas is cancelled.”

    Kissing people too long under the mistletoe, purposefully breaking gifts.

    LOL!

    I am laughing at the thought of someone booing at a Christmas presentation, or even their kids’ Christmas play. Telling kids Santa isn’t real so they cry. OMG. Haha!!

    Sometimes it’s fun to have humor blacker than Santa’s belt.

    1. You’re not alone! I was laughing too. It’s so childish, it’s hilarious. Sometimes I think I’m a Narc too. HG says if you wonder if you are; you’re not. But I don’t understand how I can be such an Empath (I cried at Charlotte’s Web tonight!) but feel so far right-of-center on the Empath-Narc spectrum.

        1. I was thinking of sending out a Christmas card (aka mass text with all of their names so they could see they were in good company. A pic of mistletoe protruding from my ass and the words wish you were here, but nevermind-they wouldnt get it and my phone would blow up.

  21. I had two peaceful Christmasses in my life, one when I was as a student in the USA in a host family, and one which I spent alone.

    Did not spend Christmas with the exnarc though. With other ex-boyfriends, there was always the one or other kind of fight.
    One told me he needed to borrow money from me to go to his grandfather’s funeral right before Christmas, vanished, returned after days of no contact with a new smart phone. But that was a very short lived thing, goes without saying.
    Mother of ex-boyfriend I was living with said to me “if you love him, you let him spend Christmas with his mother – without you, we only want family, you try to keep him from the people he loves.”
    Another ex-boyfriend gave me money for Christmas and told me afterwards that he expected me to do all the food shopping and cooking for that gift in return. (Was also short lived relationship after this.)

    In hindsight, I guess Christmas at home was days of the usual abuse but in a concentrated form, without being able to escape from being all locked together within the house (figuratively speaking).
    With my family, it was always… strict, a tight schedule, no freedom for own interests at all. My patrinarc did not set a Christmas tree on fire or anything like that, he even played with us, board games, etc… or watched children’s movies with us. We got lots of presents (my grandparents paid for). We had to go to church.

    This is very hard to describe, why I still hated Christmas at it seems so harmonious from the outside, but there was no harmony, … It is more like my parents both tried to create the perfect Christmas, especially with us children involved. We had to sit like chicken in a row and play christmas songs on our flutes, while perfectly dressed up.
    My father always took pictures, but never ever snap shots, but propping us up for hours, we couldn’t move, it was uncomfortable … That went each Christmas on for hours until he fought with someone, lots of shouting, name calling, all attention on him.

    There was always with him shouting and completely ruining the atmosphere by behaving like a spoiled child, criticizing how long the food took to cook, how it tasted, etc. Lots of stress about going to church on time, but we HAD to go …

    It’s more about the undercurrents, the usual emotional and verbal abuse which was kind of concentrated on Christmas, and we just had to function as picture perfect children. Not able to breath, not allowed to speak when it didn’t suit my father … And of course he was the most important person while my mother played her part as matrimarc less obvious … There were always fights in the course of Christmas eve, always some reason why he had to start a row, and stomp off into his study, …
    When I was 15 I had 15 photo albums my father made for me – all stiff photos, no snap shots, no fun … always us lined up, on Christmas, on holiday …

    Really all about creating the perfect Christian family facade, and not being able to put my finger on it why I always felt sooo terrible, locked with my family so to speak. Wasn’t aware of the constant emotional / verbal abuse, how my father called my mother all day long, the shouting, the putting down of everyone and everything, … My two elder sisters passed this kind of behaviour down to me.

    Today I at least can see why my mother is driving me up the walls with her comments and her behaviour towards me, and notice her passive-aggressive ways.

    1. Hi Ava, Most people have this fairytale picture in their minds and afterwards feel so disappointed. It’s all about high (false) expectations. I hope you’ll enjoy this year’s Christmas. Just do it your way ava, whatever makes you feel good. xx

  22. My very favorite is refusing to get out of bed on Christmas morning. That is hilarious. “Mom, where’s dad? Oh, he’s in bed, honey”. HG, have you ever seriously not gotten out of bed Christmas morning? Did you pretend to be asleep?

  23. There’s too many to list but here’s some gems:

    Commenting about how their ex and/or mother always handwraps gifts with beautiful paper and ribbons instead of using gift bags and then saying but your gift bags are ok I guess.

    Criticizing how you placed the ornaments on the tree and commenting about how their ex and/or mother always hangs ornaments perfectly.

    Commenting on how nice the neighbors’ house looks with lights and saying it must be nice to have a spouse that cares about decorating for Christmas.

      1. HG

        Why is this?
        I know an anniversary is tomorrow for myself, which from my perspective is why I happen to come across some issues dealing with him. I do not believe in coincidence.

          1. Thank you HG. It has been three years now, always around this time. Will this continue every year. I caved two years ago and spoke to “him” , he used a fake account. I still spoke to him. I knew it was him so I really have no excuse except I want to.

          2. HG I wanted to speak to him then and I did, I don’t now. You helped with that I feel the memory of the emotions of that time, not the emotions themselves.
            Even what I fear is a memory of what happened, I understand now because of your work, it has no hold me anymore. If and when the time comes I will be able to give my heart to another.

      2. In my experience, “Silent Christmas” is a classic . Cold &cruel. Always a sad & tearful time 4 me especially Christmas Eve :'(

  24. My Matrinarc enjoyed showing off by cooking a picture perfect holiday spread of things certain targets don’t wish to eat.

    She would then pick a fight with the target who didn’t appreciate her hard work and make them cry or guilt them into eating the abhorred dish.

    Good times…Merry Ho Ho.

    1. Oh, yes, Sandra, I know that, too, … all too well. Absolutely one of the holiday traditions. Always some kind of fight over this at the table.

  25. This was hilarious! I had tears rolling down my face at nr. 23. It is all so extremely childish! But I know it’s true, unfortunately. I’ve been there when our kids were younger. That is why I don’t do Christmas anymore. Nothing, not even a tree or a very special Christmas dinner. My religious family will be in Church 3 times during Christmas and attend choir singings. A Christmas tree or giving presents are not allowed (that’s heithenish). So why bother asking any relative over?
    I love to spend Christmas quietly, preferably in Adidas :) and think of all the drama and disaster I avoid that way.

    1. Blank
      I’m sorry you had to experience that at Christmas with your kids involved….it cruel on the Narcs part for sure….I feel for you and you didn’t deserve that and neither did your children…..! The cruelty is the worst part of the condition….at least that’s what I have found and it’s always at others expense….😔

      1. Thanks Deepsigh, that is sweet. I lived abroad several times in my life and there I would see how nice Christmas celebrations could be. But I always knew I could never have anything like that with my religious parents. Later, having a narc husband, any celebration would be spoiled because of his alcoholism, his provocation and his lack of helping out. The demands of his narc father and my narc mother would not help either (what food we should have, when, where, how, what… pfff.. even thinking about it makes me anxious. So glad all this is in the past. I really am going to have a lovely quiet Christmas (I hope :)).

    2. Wow…really getting where your irritation about another poster’s religious comment was coming from. I’ve been waiting for you to turn up so I could tell you that you forgot to apologize to the quarks (smaller than an atom – why are they always left out?). lol!

      Actually, I wanted to apologize to you… I realized that in being so concerned about someone getting their feelings hurt/feeling judged/shamed…that I actually was judging YOU for being (IMO) judgy/expressing your feelings. I know, it’s ironic. I did learn something from it.

      As for the angel thing, well, I’ve been told by friends that white feathers sometimes mysteriously show up on their doorsteps after I leave — I have a makeup bag with angels on it — and play a stringed instrument that may possibly be the harp (2 out of 3 of these things are true).

      Well, gotta fly!

      [Super funny list, HG… oh gawd, #23].

      1. Haha, I just kneeled down and apologized to the quarks Caroline. I also thought I specify the atoms and apologize to the nutrons, protons and electrons specifically, or they may feel not have given enough attention each ;)
        No need to apologize to me Caroline, you spoke your mind, so did I.
        I would love to hear you play harp, I’m very much into music, from classic to heavy metal. Have a good flight angel :)

  26. Christmas; ( and b days) not planning for or budgeting for gifts for anyone so it was all on me , not decorating wrapping or contributing at all to anything good happening, expecting gifts for himself. Yes he caused pre holiday chaos especially co parenting tiffs always. He hated attention being paid to kids or anyone else. I get that now. ‘Working ‘ long hours even during holidays. Breaking promises to spend time w family. IF he ever got me anything it was zero thought put in unwrapped or he made my daughter wrap last minute , last year she made IOU’s for him to give to me. Often he seemed very proud of himself bcs he got a card, but made sure to make a big deal about having it ‘fake rushing ‘ to write in it or sign it and licking envelope often in FRONT of me ( making me wait) and then expecting me to gush about the crumbs he managed to squeeze out. Also he often simply signed it so it was impersonal. All devaluing. Once he grinned and said he had a surprise for me , behind his back ( we lived in diff cities) saw each other bi monthly while dating b4 marriage, he whipped out a PARTIALLY eaten chocolate sugar free pack of wafers he picked up at a gas station. Acted like it was a bouquet!!! I said ‘what is this?! ’ He said he knew I’d like it so got it ‘for ME terrible gift giver. Failure at most everything. ( nothing like you HG) (at least your discards has the best once) I was so robbed. ( my own stupid fault for going against my gut instinct) and feeling sorry for his sorry state trying to make him feel loved . Every special occasion was ruined or decreased by his presence after the very brief golden period. He had all my friends fooled at first bcs all he did was ‘stare lovingly’ at me and tell them how much he loved us, ( my girls and I) wanted to protect us, etc etc. garbage lies to fuel himself. Shudder. Holidays were always a letdown once he came into our lives. I pray ( though it’s hard to comprehend why it’s difficult) to rebuild start over when we do feel relief away from him but now it’s financially hard bcs he’s dragging his feet on divorce. It IS hard to clear the ‘muck ‘out of our hearts heads and lives. Very permeating. Our first Christmas w/o him in 7 years & were broke bcs of expense of trying to get free . Sigh. Sorry rambled.

    1. geez! Sorry for all your hardships and I hope you break throught completely!
      I too, have seen him act awkwardly or couldnt care a damn, attitude on birthdays and holidays!
      He embarrassed me 99% of the time!
      I did not listen to my GUTS either!

      chin up! it’s over

  27. So many that it is impossible to write them all down! From being drunk and starting fights and having the police called! Not helping with anything saying I hate Xmas but then taking the credit for everything that has been done. Watching me struggle to hang lights outside and then replying, you can’t do anything right! Complaining about the food, purposely dropping the turkey on the floor one year! I could go on and on but I think everyone gets the idea! Christmas Sucks!

    1. foolme1time— that reads painful and familiar. if only you could go on comedy tour or write a sitcom to profit off all the horror experienced at xmas. and all the other 364 days of the year.

      1. So true! That was only the G rated things that have happened over the Holidays! The other things would make for a great Horrir movie!

  28. Anybody who wilfully destroys my preparation for any celebration will be dealt with in due course. I am an idealist especially at Christmas time. Wonderful dinner spread, family and friends in attendance, appropriately dressed, walks in the snow, a horse ride in the snow or a snow fight. A kiss under the mistletoe. I want the whole relaxed atmosphere and wish for a wholesome experience with those close to me. Laughter, jokes, eating, singing, smiling, holding, hugging, love, enjoying that fireplace in a mountain cabin sitting on a bear skin, sipping on delicious port or champagne, opening gifts and more. Ahh, I’m dreaming of a white Christmas 🎄…🎶🎵

    1. WHAT?! am i dyslexic. was it sniglet before and now singlet. or am i still walking out of the fog…

      1. It’s Sniglet. Typing error :) I’ve never logged into my account and I need to type Sniglet every time I post something. I need to contact WordPress to fix the account issue. I wish someone would do it for me. Haha

    2. Hello girls, it was all a test to see if you were paying attention! >>wink<<👀👀👀👀. And I did notice snow falling on the ‘Evil’ logo gravatar too. Very pretty.

  29. Yeah…..well thank god we did not spend Christmas together…..as the golden period lasted about 6 months and That’s when I angered him very badly and then straight to devaluation….but before I made him mad….he always talked about Christmas and how bad he wanted to spend it with me and all of his fantasies about us sitting around the tree and opening presents….and stating because we couldn’t spend Christmas together because I would not come to where he was at the time….he stated….I want you hear next Christmas! Anyways….can’t imagine what was in his mind that he wanted to do with it to me on Christmas Day! But it has not affected my Christmas seasons…..I do sometimes have dreams of him and we are like laying by a Christmas tree lol……who knows! Oh and in all the dreams he is always being nice! Anyways!

  30. Wow HG, if i did not know you were a narcissist, i would read this and just assume you were an asshole, and not invite you to my home.

    No disrespect intended

      1. HG, would someone invite you a second time after doing all those things or some of them? I certainly wouldn’t, not so interested in socialising with everybody. My family and closer friends will do…

        As for preparing Christmas feast, men here only shop for food (things we need in order to prepare it, you may expect the rest -helping-only from 1/4 of them), that makes the others 3/4 narcissists?

        What amazes me most is that narcs men (MR and Greater) are very good in handling house chores, IF and WHEN they are interested in doing it and showing one how GO(O)D they are. Now I’m not “buying” it anymore, now I know how LAZY they really are. Façade…isn’t it?

        1. Many would invite the narcissist a second time owing to :

          1. Family pressure for everyone to get along;
          2. People prepared to give second chances;
          3. Being duped by excuses given by the narcissist for their behaviour;
          4. Duping themselves by making excuses on behalf of the narcissist in the hope of things turning out well.

    1. *giggle* See? I’m not the only one who calls narc behaviour being an asshole..
      – I know, I know, I’m going to the naughty step..

      I sat nodding my head reading this, remembering many similar moments w my now revealed narc dad – thanks to you & your Devil’s Toolkit..

      One year, all I remember is my patents had a massive row the night before Christmas, and I found my dad sleeping in his recliner in the living room (I put a blanket on him).

      As for me, I still have my mag-lite flashlight my narc dad gave me – I love it! It serves as a deterrent to any threatening behaviour when on my own in my car (it’s huge) – as i’ve seen narc dad use it.. too…

      – low expectations for gifts has probably served me well w narc dad.. doesn’t take much to make me happy ;)

    2. My ex narc during the golden period, decided that the day after xmas, (Italian local holiday) we were going to spend the whole day and night together and I remember how excited and grateful I felt for his generosity, considering that xms time is dedicated to the family of origin !
      I felt as if WAS his New family and this made me feel important!
      The next upcoming xmas , he began the silent treatment and put on his disappearing act! He said he felt “confused”!
      He spent his time with his friends (I saw the photo on his iPad), and he met someone else! Judging by his face in the photo he looked “relaxed” and care free! I was of course, feeling left behind, forgotten and thought I would be crying all XMAS and New yrs , but thanks to my wonderful children and family they kept me busy!

  31. This just popped into my inbox, havn’t even read yet but burst out laughing at hilarious title and image ! You do deliver like no one HG, you do it right!!!! ( now on to the download of wisdom , reading it ) thanks HG! 😄

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