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46 thoughts on “The Igniters of Fury – No. 17”
My mother was a hairdresser. Cut my hair way shorter than I ever wanted (looked horrific with really, really short bangs) till I was old enough to save money and go to a different hairdresser.
My nexhusband stopped talking to me for days when my hair was cut short (which I didn’t like either, another bad hairdresser). Also got mad when I had highlights done. Never realized it was a narc thing till now.
I *had* long hair down to my mid back. He made me promise not to do anything “strange” to my hair. Including fun colors or shorter styles. I left him and a month later got the right side shaved off, and choppy layers everywhere. He FLIPPED his s**t. I kept most of the length, but it weighs so much less and I love it!
Not your head, not your hair, buddy. He’s been freaking out and creating new facebook accounts just to try and talk to me.
Spot on, again, HG. I had nearly waist-length hair during most of my seven-year friendship / IPSSship with my narc. At his most controlling, I once made noises about cutting my hair and he responded, “oh, don’t ever do that.”
First thing I did after I stopped speaking to him was to chop 8 inches off my hair. We work for the same company so I know he’s seen it. It was incredibly liberating. Growing it back now because I happen to like it long, for me.
That will have been a fuel-free fuck you when he saw that Cordelia.
Holy Hair, Batman Hilarity!
My narc ex: “But it’s so much prettier on you when it’s long… don’t cut it, you’re not a dyke.” eventually turned into “I like your hair now, but it would be so much better blonde. You would look amazing” and it was randomly stretched in at times that would catch me off guard.
I heard that enough times that I finally gave in one day and went blonde and we broke up a few weeks later. I immediately did the same thing, cut my hair right up to my ears practically and dyed it a dark burgundy red. (Because I like red better… and the darker the red, the harder it is to get back to blonde.) Posted pictures on every social networking platform I could, because I knew he’d see it.
I’m also on the path of growing it back. <3
Already have My appointment with the hair dresser. Changing the colour also.
Giulia— Already have My appointment with the hair dresser. Changing the colour also.
^ go getem tiger 🐯 rawr!!
Speaking of hair: I spoke to my mother yesterday and she officially deigned to weigh in on the Harry/Meghan engagement announcement with her expertise (when they came out and talked to the press).
“Her hair was a mess! I’ve seen photos where it is neat as a pin. This was the most important photo opportunity she’d ever have! Why was her hair such a mess!”
“Her shoes were inappropriate and too big for her! A nice pump would have been better!”
“Her coat was ill-fitting and shorter than her dress!”
“She claims to come from nothing, but there are photos of her traveling in Europe when she was a teen! Someone who comes from nothing wouldn’t have been doing that!”
“she might be okay though.”
My mother has also been known to even complain that the nav on my phone is incorrect because she “has a better sense of direction that it does.” She said “turn the nav off! I don’t like the voice, I don’t trust her.”
Yes my ex N has a hair fetish..but it was getting a tattoo that he hates.
I thought about a tattoo just to be contrary; a white rabbit on the back of my right shoulder, and not explaining the significance.
But there is no art that I would want to wear for the rest of my life, nevermind that it will eventually move with age.LOL
30 or so transfers put on every other day would have the same effect. Or henna
Yes on the hair thing – but only in terms of him wanting to exert control over the length. One time I got an extra 2 inches cut off. He said, “Please don’t do that again.”
So like a good little Empath, next time I got an extra 3 inches cut off. He didn’t say anything (but glared), and I was glad he didn’t, because I didn’t want to keep playing that game – I like wearing my hair long.
Caroline— I didn’t want to keep playing that game – I like wearing my hair long.
^ ikr? idk what i even like anymore. it is so much a reaction. JUST YEST i got a pixie and bleached it. i mean i love it but ya. don’t end up like me if you need not. i love long hair too. weird that our hair is “theirs.” ugg.
TZ, I’m sure your new cut looks adorable!:-)
Yes, they think our hair is theirs… as well as many other things. So possessive + entitled.
🙂 Good for you NA :). You are absolutely right. I think it does help to make them feel what they say to others. If you’d only mention that their behaviour is mean, they don’t get it, they have to feel it in order to be aware of what they do to others. I am not easily offended myself, but I can’t stand abusive behaviour towards others and the ongoing critics about just anybody. I used to be really scared of my mother all my life. Her voice has always been in the back of my head. Since a couple of years I am not afraid anymore, although I’ll still be anxious around her. I will hardly ever challenge her, but sometimes I just have to. Recently when I visited them she was going crazy at my dad, suddenly, just out of the blue (we were peacefully sitting and chatting) and it was rediculous how she humiliated him. My dad will not respond to such an attack. He never has. I wish he would.
If ever she does this again, I will copy her behaviour in exact the same way and address it to her. I know I’ll get pity play and a silent treatment, but hey, these days I have come to like them very much, the longer they last the better 🙂 Good luck with your mother in law NA, good thing you know how to deal with her xx
Control and the perception of the usurping of control.
Please.. do not talk ‘hair’ 😉 My hair used to be really long. Once I was about 15 years old, my mother encouraged me to cut it, because that would make me look better. I did not, I finally had it cut when I was 20. Since then she would tell me what a shame it was that I had my hair cut, because I had such beautiful long hair….
Every, and I mean every time we would meet, she would mention my hair, it was never the way she wanted it. A few years ago I told her I don’t like her hairdo, it is oldfashioned, it’s frumpish and she looks really stupid with it. She never said a word about my hair again. It is long again and I probably should have it cut, so now I always just get “the look”. I guess everyone with a narc mother knows “the look” :).
Blank—but. the. hair. YASSS.
I sure know “the look.” I realized one day that when my mother gave me her evil look, it looked just like when a cat is mad at you and gives you the dark malevolent stare and twitch their tail. From then on out, whenever she’d give me the look I’d imagine her as a cat and laugh inside! 😀
The look….eek yes ive seen it a few times! My dads was the worst and freaked me out. Im not sure if hes a narc but he could give the scariest looks.
Hahaha.. I know what I’ll be thinking about next saturday when she comes over and I’ll get the look… 🙂
Hi blank…my mother in law is a somatic. She modelled in her 20s. She loves to knitpick especially to her daughter. My sister in law already deals with a horrible psychopath hubby. Lately my mil is after my sil about her weight. I couldnt help myself but said to her the last dinner, “some of us could also lose some weight around the midline”. She stopped but for how long i dont know. They can dish it out but they hate to take it. Shes constantly pointing out peoples flaws. She doesnt with me bc she knows ill stand up for myself.
This is true,I’ve experienced it.
This is also a very good movie of a narci controlling mother where her teenage boy tries to change his hairstyle and mommy dearest doesn’t like it.😁
WOnder why? 🤔 and I actually did this lol…..but he said he liked it and I rocked it! So it went over well…..and also while I’m on here….I wanted to mention I am reading the Narcissist Seduction book right now and I am just so curious….what is the connection between Narcissist and Tiffany’s jewelry? Cause I received a Tiffany’s heart silver bracelet….and I’ve heard that in one of HG’s articles he gave his appliance as he called her a Tiffany’s bracelet and now I’m reading this book and there is talk of Tiffany’s bracelet! And it was funny because in the book it said the man opened the package to unveil the blue box and it was a Tiffany bracelet and right as I was reading that I recalled being on the phone with my ex when he received his present he got for me in the mail and he opened the package and he said….yes they did exactly what I asked them to do with the bow….and then when he pulled it out to give it to me when we met up….he unveiled the blue box! And it was like wow as I was reading it…and I did get rid of the bracket in the days of deep despair….and now that I am moving past it all….I wish I had kept it….honestly I truly loved that bracelet….however the pain connected to it was just to hard to bear at the time! 😪
I think they like to use a Tiffany’s’ gift because:
The romantic film title Breakfast at Tiffany’s
Quality luxury product with worldwide name recognition.
You can still get an affordable gift that will get high credit for thoughtfulness.
Most will simply purchase you the SS heart bracelet or necklace.
If you really long for a Tiffany piece, I suggest you look at the Heart Padlock and Key series and purchase it for yourself, to remind you to protect your heart. 😉
Plus they are beautiful.
yes….makes sense….and yes I shall look into that….thanks for your input:)
The first gift my husband gave me was a Tiffany’s Necklace … Do they have a manual or do they operate the same ? Kinda robotic … Weird
I wanted a perm once. My N encouraged me to get it, but after he kept telling me it “didn’t flatter my face”.
I actually liked it very much, and thought it looked good in spite of what he said.
He thinks I let it grow out because of him.
I actually didn’t want to sit for the hours it took to put all my hair into those tiny little rollers.LOL.
I just cut my own hair now to keep it even and healthy looking.
I enjoy it long, and I think I got a kick out of it when he would gripe that I needed to pin my hair up when I did laundry, cause his scrotum is getting strangulated again from a stray hair in his underwear.
Haha, I always get the picture 🙂
I had no idea this is an issue, I always thought my nexhusband was joking, but reflecting back he did say, ‘You cut your hair, it was the one thing I asked you not to do’
Wow, (*snicker*) thats so funny…because everytime I changed my hairstyle, he’d tell me how he felt like he was cheating on me.😞🤔😒
My narcgrandmother who owned her own hair salon took it upon herself when i was about 8 to do her own “style” on my hair. Instead of a long haired perm she cut my hair super short and gave me a tight perm. It literally was stuck to my head. She ruined my christmas visit there. I cried most of the 14 hr drive home. She had to have it her way.
That was awful. I am sorry your grandmother did that to you. Jeeze, what the hell!?!
Hi k…i know its something ill never forget!! I have fond memories sitting around the salon drinking coffee. That was a terrible memory tho.
I just felt so bad for your 8-year-old tears but I am glad you have happy memories drinking coffee at the salon.
Hi k….i have great memories spending my summers and christmases there. This is in a small town. My grandmas passed on but my grandpas still there. Its been yrs since ive been there. The salon bldg is still there but its a different business now. I hope to visit with my family next summer.
Summers id sleep in then walk over to the salon and hang out with the clients and drink coffee. It was fun seeing the different hairstyles. Many of the clients were elderly so a lot of perms. Maybe thats why my hair ended up the same way.
My mum was forced to drop out of highschool to help out in the salon. She cut my sons hair once and he looked like she took a bowl to cut the front of his hair. Never again! Lol
It is very nice to read that you enjoyed your xmases and summers at the salon. Hanging out with the clients, drinking coffee and watching them get different hair styles sounds like fun and I can see how that created those great memories. My MMRN told me that he liked drinking coffee and eating toast with his nanna every morning when he was little. He seemed to have fond “fuel memories”, most especially of his dad. Your comment has me thinking of respite hoovers.
Too bad your mum had to drop out of school for work, and what is it with narcs and “bowl haircuts” !? My mother did that to me, too. Thank God your son has you for a mum. Looking like Moe from The Three Stooges is traumatizing.
Why is that? When I changed my hair color my ex didn’t like it. I believe my ex is a mid range.
As of own experience, the narcissists in general do not like changes because it makes them feel they are losing control.
In this specific example of changing the color of your hair or changing anything in your appearance is interpreted by them as i.ex.:
-you are trying to be attractive to someone else.
-you are trying to “shine” more than them.
It could be other changes as well of job ,plans etc.
It seems they feel they have to consent any change related to you otherwise their sense of superiority is challenged.
Changes for them ( without consent)are threatening… they jeopardise /endanger their control (over you).
Just before I went full no contact this last time, I decided to have some fun with my hair and bleached it out, then made it a pink/blue multicolor. The narc ex immediately went to “Who talked you into doing this? Who are you trying to pick up? Seems so out of character.”
I came up with it myself, because I wanted to. Ran the idea by everyone BUT him before doing it and everyone was supportive that it would be awesome. But to be fair, by this point I was just waiting on that day where I felt strong enough to walk away for good this time. I’m pretty sure me doing that to my hair was my way of saying, “You have no more say on what I do with my own body.” and finally taking a stand. He absolutely HATED me for it.
But if I ever said anything like “I thought you said I don’t need your permission to do anything?” or “You said you’re not controlling, so that means you should be happy with my own decisions about my hair.” he immediately blew up at me.
You’re explanation is brilliant!
Thank you Perse! Well, that is my interpretation. I am glad you find it useful.
One of the worst ongoing arguments I had with my mother was when I was a teenager and wanted to change my hairstyle from what she’d always made me wear. It was like a war. Then when I was older and married she never ceased to ridicule that I had a perm. That seemed so ridiculous to me that a grown woman couldn’t style her hair in a popular way without being ridiculed.