7 Sorrows


1. I am sorry I went away.

You probably said something that I did not like, you may not have said anything at all, but you did something which criticised me and I wanted to punish you so I disappeared. I am not going to tell you what I was doing whilst I was gone but I only thought about you when I looked at your pleading texts and missed calls. The rest of the time I spent it with your predecessor who I wanted to be with because, well, she hadn’t criticised me. Of course, she spoilt it and that is why I have come back to you pretending to be sorry. I need your fuel again, so here I am with my false remorse.

2. I am sorry I didn’t listen.

I didn’t listen to you because you have nothing of importance to say. Ever. That is compared to me. You should listen to me more because I do not like it when you do not. In fact I hate it. I rarely hear the words you say anyway, you are actually wasting your breath. I am far too focussed on the emotion that is spewing from you, your hurt, your frustration, your anger and your hatred. That is what I want to listen to. That gives me the fuel that I crave. I will pretend I will listen to you in the future so you provide me with some positive fuel for a while and then I will become deaf to what you have to say once again.

3. I am sorry that I hit you.

You made me do it because you will not do what I want and you will not give me what I need. I am torn between needing you and being disgusted by the fact that I am bound to someone as pathetic as you, when I am so brilliant. I am concerned that what I did may be detected by others and consequently the façade that I have created and maintained to everyone outside these four walls will be damaged. I am concerned I may have to spend some of my precious time charming law enforcement if you are treacherous enough to report me.

4. I am sorry I was unfaithful.

If you paid me more attention I would not have to do it, or at least, perhaps not as often. It was your fault that I went elsewhere because you do not admire me like you used to do. You should do so. Everyone admires me and you should be no different. I am irritated that I got caught because I thought I had covered my tracks and been cleverer than you. I am annoyed because you have scared off the other woman with your histrionics and now I am going to have to use my time and energy to find someone else now. I had a great little set-up there and you have ruined it with your interference. Just as you always spoil everything.

5. I am sorry I wasn’t there for you.

I really cannot be bothered having to support you when you are unwell. I find it a waste of my time because everything should be about me, not you. I do not like to be reminded of weakness. I see too much of myself when I do. I need my energies and time to carry out my machinations and gather fuel, not to play nurse maid to you. I do not care that you have looked after me, that is your role. I am too great to tend to you, it is beneath me. I am concerned that my lack of caring and attentiveness has proven the last straw however and my false contrition is purely designed to stop you leaving me.

6. I am sorry I am not a better person.

I am better, way better than you and everyone else, but I know you are fixated with the idea of making me better, changing me and healing me, so I say this to make you feel sorry for me and to hint at the fact that I want to change and become someone better. I am never going to change but I do love to keep you hanging on thinking that I will as this stops you leaving me and deserting me when I need my fuel. I will keep mentioning this so you stick around until such time as I have lined up someone else and I have drained you, then you disappear for all I care. In the meanwhile I will continue to insinuate that I am capable of change and improvement so that you do not go anywhere else. I need my fuel after all.

7. I am sorry for myself.

At least this one is true. I feel very sorry for myself and with good reason. I am just trying to get through life and deal with the jealous people, the envious people and the horrible people who are trying to hurt me. I know there are hundreds of them and I have done nothing to them, yet they insist on trying to hurt me. It is a terrible burden to carry, knowing that there are so many people out there against you, especially when you are as a wonderful and as brilliant as I am. I need your pity, your sympathy and your empathy. Give it to me. It is all fuel. I do not deserve to be treated like this do I? I am human too you know.

23 thoughts on “7 Sorrows

  1. arshalys82 says:

    My husband always apologizes … He’s always sorry but after he has done something fucked up … I asked him the other day “Aren’t you tired of being sorry ?” It’s sad I honestly believe that he can’t help it’s not on purpose …

  2. Me says:

    I’m sorry you believe in all my bullshit when I say that I’m sorry

  3. Catherine says:

    I never even got fake sorries. Except those that were not really apologies but rather justifications where he told me at length about all the stress he was going through at work and such. I think I heard him apologise twice in close to three years. That was just weird because I didn’t understand what those apologies were for. I didn’t have a clue as to what he was referring to, not being offended at all by those vague instances I could hardly remember. It just left me uneasy and troubled and did even more damage. Otherwise no sorries. At all.

    1. Windstorm2 says:

      I never got any sorries either. When I made a comment about how he never said “sorry”, he said he would say it if he were ever wrong. 😄

      1. Catherine says:

        Ha ha.. that’s perfect narc sense I guess.

        I remember once in the beginning of our relationship, just a few months in, I apologised for something I actually did. Nothing big, I can’t even remember what it was all about. He was so pleased, almost beaming with goodwill then, and told me it was a good sign that I could actually apologise. Well, he couldn’t..

  4. Jennifer says:

    Mine doesn’t say sorry for any of it…just makes excuses, blame shifts, rages if anything mentioned and lectures, rationalizes telling me his integrity is high, his morals are superior, I don’t do anything in the face of his lack of follow through or promises kept, how I don’t listen when he refuses and how if I was different we’d still be going out. Maybe if I lied, manipulated, swore, screamed, threatened, abused, smeared, shamed, triangulated, cheated, stole, then I’d have his high morals too because that’s what he does…and dispite it all, I don’t love his terrible behavior, but I love him as he is, defects and all…DOMT scrutinize and micromanage or control or maintain things conditional as he does

  5. 12345 says:

    I didn’t get sorries like these. I got polite southern sorries. I’m sorry but I was working, I’m sorry but I cut my hand, I’m sorry but I have the intestinal flu, I’m sorry but I have to take my grandchildren to blah, blah, blah.

    He has told me a million times he is never sorry for anything. Ever. He has never said he was sorry to his wife for a single betrayal. That information is straight from her mouth not just an assumption.

    Instead, I (and she I’m sure) got a thunderstorm of the Golden period. It was gone as quickly as it started.

  6. Scarlet says:

    I don’t really think there is any such thing as us going no contact with the narcissist . If the narcissist is not contacting us it means they have no interest in being in contact with us . You can only ignore the narcissist when they are trying to contact the victim . That’s been my experience anyway . Ignoring one thing is not enough you have to ignore a few hoovers for the narcissist to realise , they have actually lost control of the victim .

    1. Windstorm2 says:

      While that’s true, if we haven’t gotten in the mindset of no contact while we’re being ignored, then it’s much harder to ignore them when they hoover.

    2. Kimi says:


      If you are truly No Contact, then you have blocked or eliminated most or all avenues of contact for the Narcissist, thus eliminating the opportunity for Hoovers. Your strength is in moving on from the Narcissist, not in resisting them. Why risk exposure when you can live your life Narc free?

      1. Scarlet says:

        Well yes of course isn’t that the whole point . But I’m talking about when a narcissist is not contacting the victim , the victim is not going no contact . Different subject .

        1. Kimi says:


          I misunderstood! I never really dealt with long periods of not being contacted. I did however get the silent treatments, which were brief in nature.

          1. Scarlet says:

            Hi Kimi, my comment may have been confusing . I was referring to comments I see , when people say they are no contact with their narcissist and actually what they mean is they are not instagating contact but they are however deep down waiting for a hoover . Something I myself have been guilty of in the past . Real no contact can be achieved if someone genuinely wants it . Particularly if there are no children involved or the narcissist is not a family member that may prove more difficult . My point is I think many people envolved in romantic relationships don’t really want no contact because they can’t let go despite what they say . HG has written many times about how certain types of narcissists will only use so much energy to persue someone plus Hoover criterias have to be met . I think sometimes we have to be honest with ourselves about how hard we really are trying to get out and stay out as HG puts it .

  7. gabbanzobean says:

    My mid range told me that he wished to initiate “no contact” with me. Yes he actually used the words “no contact”. Would this also be another example of how it is not “his fault”? By him doing the “initiating” of such (which he never did by the way) would made it look like it was MY fault right? The fact that he did not mean it was kind of like the time he said he was going to block me but then he never did.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are the problem, the abuser, hence he needs to go no contact.

  8. Patricia J says:

    Each person on this site is in different stages of their journey with their expience with a Narc. I am amazed by you HG, how you are drawing out
    so many areas that have made me think…and think hard. Painful..yet necessary.

    Also the incredible peolpe on this site. Kudos👍

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Symbiotic as ever you see Patricia.

  9. Janet says:

    Hg- my apologies if you have already written about this but I am new to the blog and was wondering:

    If a MR is not aware that they are abusive then why do they think people keep going no contact with them? Do you think MRs even realize someone is no contact with them? I was discarded by my MR ex and I am not even sure he knows or cares that I am NC for 3 months.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      For a hundred different reasons such as the ex is nasty, the ex is a narcissist and a manipulator, the ex is a bunny boiler, the ex is moody, the ex is unhinged etc because it is never out fault but always yours.
      It is often the case that NC is not a concern to us (at first) where we have disengaged and have a new IPPS because we have no interest in you (unless there is a malice campaign). NC impacts on us when you escape and/or when we issue follow-up hoovers when we devalue your replacement (or a later replacement).

    2. gabbanzobean says:

      I often wonder if MRs know what they are.

      1. HG Tudor says:

        They do not.

  10. Windstorm2 says:

    I really like this article. The interpretations of each narc statement are spot-on and eye-opening.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you WS2, I am pleased that you do.

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