Little Acons – No. 47

I WANTYOU TOALWAYSWEARGUILT

31 thoughts on “Little Acons – No. 47

  1. Hello, Iris,
    I understand you very well. I cut the contact with my mom completely in July this year. I don´t know how often I heard “but she is your mother” after or although I had explained why I would not see her again ever.

    In the months after I was with her for the last time I experienced that I was not greeted any more by people in the supermarket or in the streets who visit her sometimes, or people called me and said “how can you do this to your mother. She was always there for you.” No, I was always there for her, and she was a matrinarc like in a picture book. But people don´t understand, or they do not want to because they like their own opinion most. I don´t know. At the funeral of our mom some people did not give me their hand. It is good that it is over.

    Three weeks ago my sister called me early in the morning. Our mom had died that night. I know here I can say the following without being afraid that I appear heartless.
    Since my mom is not there any more I feel so good and free. There are every day so many little things that feel suddenly good or that I feel for the first time in my life (I am 51 years old :-)).
    At that day when my sister told me that our mom had died and I went out of our home and saw my letterbox it hit me like a hammer. “That is my name”, I thought. I never could do anything with my name. I felt all my life I wasn´t really there.
    So, now I have a name :-), I can tell my sister that I love her, I see my sister changing her habits and look more after herself, I managed all things in my life that worried me within a few days, and I am looking forward to anything that comes because I have now the feeling suddenly I can influence every little bit in my life, haha.
    I don´t know how to describe it best, but it is as if an evil, grey mist with thousands of long arms is moving slowly out of the life of my sister and out of mine.
    I don´t miss my mom and will not miss her. I think the last conversation with her was so terrible that it was simply over and too much, and I said goodbye to her in that moment already.
    I do not feel guilty, but I forbid myself to think too much about what must have happened with my sister and me since our early childhood that we only now can find out who we are. It might sound strange, but it is great that I can find out now who I am. I don´t know yet 🙂

    Iris, do not reconnect with your family when it does not feel right. You know best, what is right.
    “My” psychologist during a therapy said often to me, I should stay away from someone who makes me feel so sick and guilty. I was thankful for that advice because I even had to learn to judge correctly what is said to me because my mom taught me the normality is for me to be humiliated and considered as ugly.
    I think someone who really understands what a Narcissistic Personality Disorder is and means for others would not suggest to go back into that bad situation.
    That you cut the contact is so great and you can be so proud of you. You deserve to do something good for you, and that is something good for you.

  2. Iris says:

    It is very comforting (and rather sad) to me that other people here can relate to my situation! It proves to me that I’m finally in the company of people who truly understand how it feels. Thank you guys!

    I’m currently talking to a life coach about setting healthy boundaries with people, but it is hard to find someone who really knows about narcissism and it lasting effects. She is also pushing me to reconnect with my family in the near future.

    I find it very odd that narcissism is still so unknown to the public at large and even to professionals, while it is everywhere around us. People don’t seem to see it (or maybe they just don’t want to see it).

    1. K says:

      You are welcome, Iris
      Please, do not reconnect unless it is something you really want to do and spread the word about NPD if you can. The more we talk about it the more people become aware. It is very odd that professionals do not know much about it and I think some people do not care or want to see it. It is epidemic and it is a public health issue that needs to be addressed.

  3. Iris says:

    I used to feel guilty all the time, especially the first few months of no contact with my mother and sister, but nowadays I mostly feel annoyed because they refuse to leave me alone. I’ve blocked them everywhere, but they just show up at my doorstep trying to force me to talk to them.

    What I find especially annoying is how society reacts when you tell them that you don’t talk to your family of origin anymore.

    They are shocked and immediately try to guilt you into contacting them, saying “but they are your family!” as if that make their hurtful behaviour OK somehow.

    Someone even said that I needed to become stronger so that I could learn to accept their behaviour without getting hurt.

    I find that so strange. Why should I be the one to change, while they get to continue their abuse? That doesn’t make sense to me at all, but still it’s all I hear around me.

    Does anyone get these kind of remarks too?

    1. Tappan Zee says:

      Iris— yes. i get “you can’t change people.” now change. all the time. pet. peeve.

    2. Windstorm2 says:

      Iris
      I did from my extended family when my mother was still alive. And I never cut her off. They just felt I was respectful enough or physically involved with her care enough (Alzheimer’s). All my friends knew how adversarial my relationship with my mother always had been and were never critical.

      I know what you mean though. When I was younger sometimes my mother’s friends would try to “talk” to me about Mama. I’d just laugh and say “She’s a completely different person at home. You have no idea!” This would usually confuse them long enough for me to escape, shaking my head and laughing like they were totally clueless- which of course they were.

    3. PhoenixRising says:

      I’ve hidden the fact that I cut contact with my matrinarc and stepdad narc from most people only because they had enmeshed themselves so much into my life that we know a lot of the same people. Those that do know have shut their mouths once I tell them about the abuse that has been going on for years. The reason I’ve hidden it from others is because I don’t want to deal with the “but it’s your mother” or “but they’re your parents” nonsense. I already feel enough guilt at no longer protecting their façade and cutting them off that I know I couldn’t deal with that response.

    4. K says:

      Iris
      That really boiled my piss to read your comment. You are perfect the way you are and you do not need to become stronger or accept their behavior. That way of thinking makes absolutely no sense, society is wrong and needs to wake up. People do not like when I say that I hate my mother so I will tell them about my violent childhood and that usually shuts them up fast. People can be such dunderheads. Sorry you have to listen to that nonsense.

    5. narc affair says:

      Hi iris…i can completely relate! The family guilt. My mother thinks we need to be one big happy family yet she ruined our family. I asked my psycholigist if it was ok i wasnt involved with my brother and his family bc i could no longer accept the triangulation with him thru my mum and she said that was healthier than being upset all the time. Just bc youre blood related doesnt mean you have to like or spend time together.

  4. narc affair says:

    I do feel guilt continuosly but i have to remind myself i didnt ask to be triangulated with my brother abd i didnt ask to be gaslighted or abused. I have the right to walk away from that. When my kids are old enough they can decide if they want to know their uncle, aunt and cousin and i wont have to be a part if it.
    Its hard to wash away the guilt placed by a narc parent. I try to mix in a bit of narc i dont care but its engrained in me that i do care.

    1. Catherine says:

      Hi narc affair, that’s exactly how I feel. The guilt being engrained in me; there’s no escaping it. But I too try lately to establish boundaries. My mother calls me all the time so I told her once last week that I really don’t have the time to speak at length on the phone with her every day; I’d prefer if she sent me a text message instead and I promised to answer as soon as possible. The next day she called again, just ignoring what I said, I didn’t pick up the phone and for a couple of days she continued to call me a few times every day, getting no answer from me. Now its been eerily quiet for a couple of days and my panicky guilt is of course increasing in intensity day by day.

      I think your approach to your family and your brother sounds healthy.

      1. narc affair says:

        Hi catherine…how sad is it when im feeling guilty from your post too lol there was nothing wrong with how you set a boundary bc you were polite about it and you did tell her youd call her back as soon as you were able. I can sympathise bc my mother in law used to call to chit chat but since having my twins i just do not have the time to talk long on the phone. I will try to make an effort to call once in awhile but tbh i have resentment towards the way shes treated me, my hubby and my sister in law over the years. I do stop and think about the fact shes getting older 75 this wknd and how that effort is important. Despite the abusive ways i would miss her. As far as calling daily tho its not a possibility bc im always on the go. If it could be a quick chat thatd be one thing but her talks are an hour or longer. The other reason too is bc i have called her in the past and depending on her mood she would use me as an emotional punching bag and i left feeling horrible so i more or less stopped calling. She does this to my hubby and i told him if she is in a shit mood to make an excuse to have to go before she dumps her issues on him.
        I get the guilt bc i do feel it a lot. You were right to set a boundary. If it makes you feel better you could always bring it up to her again and say you didnt want to hurt her feelings but texting is a good option when you cant sit down to a talk on the phone. It sounds like you pretty much did that tho.

      2. Catherine says:

        Thank you narc affair, I get your situation as well and that there’s really no time to speak at length to your mother in law the way she wishes to. You seem to have set really healthy boundaries there. Then, there’s the matter of her age, I understand that, but you seem to negotiate the situation well.

        When it comes to my mother I’ve decided to keep her in my life, she’s old and I don’t want to hurt her now either, but still I need those boundaries. I still haven’t heard from her so I guess I’ll text her soon enough. It’s a constant balancing act.

  5. Gabrielle says:

    My heart aches for all of you who struggle with narcissism in a family dynamic. Especially when history repeats. I say that because I came across a pic on social media of Mr Piano recital’s 6 year old daughter playing in her own piano recital. 🙄

  6. PhoenixRising says:

    It’s all I’ve ever known. Guilt is so ingrained in me that even now, 5 months after cutting contact (I’ve cut it, matrinarc still tries to pull me back in), I live every day weighed down by the guilt of having said enough is enough and walking away. I can’t even shake off the guilt of having cut contact two weeks ago with the narc I was the shelf IPSS of.

    1. Blank says:

      Phoenix, deep in your heart you always know if you are really guilty or not. When you are, you can apologize if that’s what you’d like. If you are not, kick the guilt out of your mind right away, as soon as you realize you did nothing wrong. It’s something you can practise. Take care! x

      1. PhoenixRising says:

        Thank you, Blank. I know I’m in the right because of all the abuse I have endured at matrinarc’s and stepdad narc’s hands, but having spent nearly 30 years protecting their façade has taken it’s toll on me. It makes it really hard to accept that I have every right to walk away from the abuse and that I’m not causing them emotional pain by doing so.

  7. K says:

    That ain’t happening.

  8. Bubbles🍾 says:

    Dear Mr Tudor,

    Do they make us “wear the guilt” because of their horrible upbringing?

  9. Blank says:

    This….. don’t get me started on this..

    1. Blank,

      Hi,

      “This….. don’t get me started on this..”

      (I recommend not kicking that hornets nest)

      I love your upbeat and caring comments!

      Perse

      1. Blank says:

        Thanks Persé x

  10. Giulia says:

    That’s what brought me to Jesus, The Saviour.
    No guilt but forgiveness and freedom.
    I believe this icon is the evil center from which all other evil things radiate.
    It’s the most disgusting manipulation of all.

  11. Catherine says:

    Ouch, this is a painful one! Never said out aloud, but always underneath every single interaction with my mother. She wanted me to wear guilt for the rest of my life, being tied down to her in every possible way, inheriting the burden of guilt and shame that runs in our family. I’ve been staggering beneath that heavy burden all my life and I’ve come to a point with her when I no longer need to be reminded of it. It’s there. It’s like the air I breathe around her, and in general I guess. She needn’t do anything anymore, no words are acquired. I’m guilty, I’m specialised at apologising. And I’ve finally come to a point through having a narcissistic relationship that I need to do something about this guilt. I can’t look myself in the mirror otherwise. Enough with the guilt!

    1. Blank says:

      Totally!!! xx

      1. Tappan Zee says:

        Totally!!! xx

        ^ I thought HG posted that for a nano second bahahaha. his avatar is much like Blank. I thought we were wearing off on him. xx

  12. Windstorm2 says:

    That’s a painful one, but true. Makes a twisted kind of sense when you remember how they’re always blaming us for things.

  13. thepianist20 says:

    Dear Narc parents,

    Why do u keep using projection and blame-shifting to make me wear guilt?!

    1. Windstorm2 says:

      Thepianist20
      Because it’s the only way they can feel good about themselves and not like the losers they really are.

      1. thepianist20 says:

        And they love control too!

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