The Narcissistic Truths – No. 219
27 thoughts on “The Narcissistic Truths – No. 219”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
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“Turned it upside down” means that you got too close to Narcs’ internal world and that makes them feel very uncomfortable (vulnerable), so they, trying to protect themselves, shift a situation in such dramatic way. It is a pure deflection. Also, it is a sign that your Narc doesn’t trust you and, in the most of cases, it is the end of story.
Yes, that can be very effective indeed. I can’t do it though, because I’m too temperamental for that.
My weapon is to be very condescending. They hate that and leave me be.
It also helps to be very happy at the same time (or at least act that way). They get so envious that they have to leave.
Hi iris,
I have experienced the opposite. When i’m happy and humorous, he likes to text me more. I’m usually the one who says i have to go. But when i challenge him, he prefers to withdraw. I was reading noname’s comment in ‘infatuation’. She stated they r driven by envy, which aligns w my ex. He wishes he cud b happy, so he likes to b around happy pple. If i show challenging behavior, tho he does address it, he feels stressed doing so.
WS2—why engage?
When we know NC if effective, and that this is a game only insomuch as to “win” we must not play.
You seem to dupe yourself. Albeit in a cloak of niceness. It can come across that you believe you are above narcissism. And doling out trite advice will set folks to the lions den.
Yes you are kind, thoughtful, et al. I know the pack will feel this is an attack on you. It is not.
I trust and value you. I do not think you trust and value yourself to step out of the dance and find out who you are. Not in context with narcs.
You often speak ill of them and in a lowly fashion. Deservedly. But if your esteem is bound to your “superiority” to them, I would encourage finding a new bench mark. I am trying very hard to sound “nice” so I am heard, it may fall on deaf ears and back lash on me. I will risk it.
Tappan Zee
I am not above narcissism, but I have been dealing with many different narcs for all of my 60 years and have much experience. I don’t feel that I am superior to anyone – narc or otherwise.
My situation is different from yours in many ways. My many relationships with narcs are probably different from yours in many ways. The narcs I currently deal with are probably different from yours in many ways. Many of my comments refer to interactions with narcs that happened years and often decades ago, not what I am currently experiencing.
While all narcs have things in common, they are not cookie-cutter clones no more than we are. Neither are all our situations the same. In all fairness, you have no understanding of my individual situation no more than I have of yours.
You think that I dupe myself and am blind to reality – ok. You think my comments are trite and unhelpful – also ok. You are certainly free to think whatever you please. If my comments bother you, don’t read them anymore. I will refrain from responding to any of yours so as not to cause you annoyance. My last advice to you is to focus on your own healing.
Hi windstorm,
I’m sorry if i sounded insensitive by thanking tz of her comment being good tempered. I can now see, why u replied the way u did. I didn’t know what ‘trite’ meant, so i just looked it up. Yes, that word has negative inference. And so does ‘dole out’ and ‘dupe yourself’. I was just noting the difference though, in her delivery. It has changed since her comments to me two wks ago. I do see her trying to be somewhat more mindful in her wording. I also see why u wud reply as u did. I hope i did not offend u, windstorm.
Thank you very much, Jenna. I know you would never purposely be offensive. I try very, very hard never to be also, but sometimes it’s a lot harder than others! 😄 I think silence is my best option from now on out on this whole exchange.
I hope you’re enjoying gearing up for the holidays. I’m thinking about heading to KS for a week this Saturday to see all my little rodents! Some of that cheer from my little empath granddaughter would be very good! She’ll be 2 in January. Her little sister is 5 months now and turning into a little empathic bundle of cheer as well!
Hi windstorm,
Yes, i am getting ready for the holidays. I love this time of yr, esp with all the beautiful lights on the houses. I love driving around just to see that!
Ooh, u r so blessed to have ur cute grandkids to play with! Happy early bday to ur granddaughter! Wow, the youngest one is 5 months already! How time flies! She must b crawling now. I remember u had a pic here w her resting on u when she was a newborn. I esp love the 3-4 age grp, where they can talk, but say the silliest things lol! Enjoy ur time w the little ones!!💗
Tappan zee,
Windstorm will reply to ur comment i am sure and will explain her position.
I just wanted to let u know that u have worded ur comment in a good-tempered manner, imo. I appreciate ur efforts.
Tz: ” I am trying very hard to sound “nice” so I am heard… ”
Ty tz.
HG, you say that devaluation of an IPPS is inevitable. What about when an IPPS constantly expresses her fear that the narc is going to leave her, questions him why he is with her when he could get someone better/ younger, whatever, thus elevating the narc and validating his superiority and making herself inferior and subservient. You get the message. May this result in her not being devalued or it may just put it off for longer?
No.
Thank you, HG. IPPS is really doomed then.
I get the feeling that most narcs don’t like a submissive partner. They like a bit of a challenge.
When you stop protesting, they get bored and disengage from you.
It’s like a (house) cat that’s playing with a mouse: he tosses it around until it doesn’t move anymore. Then they lose interest and leave the poor mouse be.
They don’t eat it off course, because they aren’t hungry at all. It’s just a thrill for them.
Iris
I agree. I’ve often compared narcs to a cat with a mouse. They are very like!
And over the years I learned how to present a very effective façade of my own of very quiet submission – eyes on the floor, stay on the periphery, don’t participate in discussions, stay totally quiet when a narc is angry… This submissive façade has protected me on innumerable occasions from narc abuse and entanglements.
I, however, remain my own self with my own strength and my own personality and goals. I am not truly submissive. They just assume I am. Being overlooked or underestimated can be a powerful advantage. The really smart narcs will catch on in time and be intrigued, but the dumber ones just dismiss me and leave me totally alone. It’s a very effective narc defense.
Been here time and time again. The contentment blog sums it up. When youre overly content the narcissist will upset the applecart to ruin that feeling bc they feel the fuel diminishes in this state. Why should you feel content when theyre never content or for very long? Contentment = taking them for granted. Always be on your toes ready to pour them a gauntlet of fuel.
Ive noticed when im overly happy and content its like im at the top of the see saw and he needs to bring me lower than him. He gets quieter and i can tell his moods changed. Its very hard to predict tho bc other times were happy together. I think it also depends on his fuel elsewhere in his matrix. Contentment is a bore and they always need fresh potent fuel. It becomes stale with contentment and they need to shake things up.
Yes, I noticed this pattern too but he always created a rational excuse to fuck my mood up.
Him: How is your day going?
Me: I had an awesome day so far but I missed you, so much. I could hardly focus on anything.
My thought process: I was actually having an awesome day and I did miss him but I exaggerated with the couldn’t focus part because I do not want him to feel I don’t remember him during good times and also because I always felt his need for exaggerated feelings.
Him: Oh.
Me: What’s wrong?
Him: I am at doctor’s office.
Me: What?! What the hell happened?
Him: No worries, sweetie. Will text when I get out. Enjoy your day.
Me: What? Are you okay?
Silence.
Me: Baby! Is everything okay?
Silence.
Me: Where are you? I just wanna know you’re okay.
Silence
Me: Fuck.
Silence.
Notice now I’m really not able to focus on any damn thing, my day is officially screwed up and am crazy worried about him and called him several times too, his phone was off! I went home, it’s way past my bedtime I call again, and his phone is on but he just doesn’t pick up. I got so pissed but at the same time feel so scared hoping he is okay.
Me: You better be fucking dying or something, why are you not picking up?
Him: Can you smile for me? I’m driving home and just plugged my phone to charge. Oh and put something pretty on, something that will make me feel better.
All this storm just because I said I was having “an awesome” day. Yeah, love indeed. Idiot.
Narc Affair
My experiences also. Lots of contentment and joy or wonder also. Sometimes they are envious and sometimes bored, but they don’t like to be around us for too long when our moods are high.
Hi windstorm….yes ive noticed when im overly happy he gets quiet and sometimes devalues in passive aggressive ways. I think its envy bc hes never that way. Maybe its insecurity as to why im that way. It could be a multitude of reasons. I can tell when his mood is different tho. Hes easy to read that way.
I noticed this pattern too but he always seemed to have a rational excuse for it. I always wondered why our lives were out of sync, every time I feel up something happens to bring him down.
Him: How is your day going?
Me: My day has been awesome so far but I miss you, so much. I can hardly focus on anything. How’s your day been?
My thought process: I was actually having a great day and I truly did miss him but I exaggerated a little bit with the cannot focus part, because I wanted to make sure he knows he is on my mind even when I’m having fun and I also always felt he had the need for these over the top emotions.
Him: Oh.
Me: What’s wrong?
Him: Nothing. I’m waiting to see a doctor.
Me: What? Why? Is everything okay?
Him: No worries, sweetie. Will text when I get out. Enjoy your day.
Me: But why are you there?
Silence.
Me: Are you done yet?
Silence.
Me: Where are you? I hope you’re okay. I’m so worried.
Silence.
Me: Baby? What the hell is going on?
Silence.
Notice, now he really is all I can focus on, I’m completely scared for him and my day has been officially screwed up. I also called him several times and his phone was off. I knew he had to take care of some things later that night and would be home late, but he used to always have his phone on when this was the case which is why it really scared me it was off. I got home, I couldn’t eat or anything just hoping nothing happened to him, it’s way past my bed time I call him again, his phone was on and he didn’t pick up! I got so damn pissed but at the same time just wanted to know he was okay.
Me: You better be fuckin’ dying or something, why are you not picking up?
Him: Can you smile for me, sweetie? I’ll be driving home, and I just plugged my phone in to charge. Oh, and put something pretty on. Something that will make me feel better.
And there, my fix, that he’s okay and he’s coming home to me. Sicko! And now I was busy thinking about what to put on instead of making sense of what just happened.
He created this storm for me only because I was having an awesome day. Love indeed.
Hi deifilia….they are attention whores. Yours sounded like a victim narc. My mother has used this tactic so much. Leaving me in suspence as to if theres anything wrong medically. The latest is shes taken up drinking excessively and her reason….drumroll….shes so tired and uses it to stay awake. I thought wine made a person drowsy?? She knows this is a lame reason i wont believe and will still wonder whats wrong.
A victim narc? Is that the term? Not sure what label he falls into but he would always mention he was afraid he would develop cancer because it ran in his family. If cancer equals narcissism than it indeed ran in his family. I’m glad it doesn’t in mine. I can only imagine how hard it must be for you with your mother.
He created this storm for me only because I was having an awesome day. Love indeed.
^ excellent summation and insight, they way your day played out was a day in my life. minus the insight. xx
Yes Tappan, I’m sure it was a day in everyone’s life who had to deal with them. I had no insight back then, I was so naive and blind to his ways, could have never imagined these kind of disorders existed at all. But now I see through so many things he has done. I’m just so glad and feel lucky I didn’t marry him.
And sorry for the double post, didn’t show up on my screen so had to write it all over again.
Hi deifilia…im still learning the different schools and cadres of narcs but victim narc is a type of narc whose usually a midrange narc. They cry wolf a lot and love pity parties or to keep people guessing whats wrong with them to gain attention. My mother does this. Shes caused me many instances of concern over the years. Once while i was pregnant and shortly after i had a miscarriage. I wont say it was bc of her but it didnt help the situation. I know where it stems from bc my grandmother was on too. She was always starting some dramatic situation and then crying over it.
Narc Affair
That’s horrible about your miscarriage. I am very sorry. My daughter lost a baby that way when her dad had a massive heart attack and quintuple bypass. Stress definitely plays a role. Extra horrible that it may have been stress from your mother for no good reason that triggered it. [hugs]
Narcaffair,
I’m sorry abt ur miscarriage. Continued healing to u. 🌷
Oh no! Sorry you had to go through a miscarriage, narc affair. I feel for you. I know it’s hard but I personally would distance myself from her. Just like I did with the narc I dealt with. I moved to different place, away from him, where he will not find me. I hope.
As for the school of narcs, I myself don’t know much but I’ve read some. I’m quite certain I read it on this blog that “midrangers” have no awareness. However, he was very self aware. He knew exactly what he was and the condition he had. He was the one who actually led me to figure out what he had. Why? I don’t know. But he seemed to be proud of it. But you are right, now that I think about it he also had a tendency to play a victim card on occasions.