A Piece Of Your Mind


Vent your spleen. Have your say. Give us both barrels. Let us know what you really think. Such sentiments towards my kind are entirely understandable and they invariably occur post discard and sometimes post escape. There are differing rationales associated with this almost overwhelming need to speak to us about your experience of being entangled with our kind.

1.      Anger. You realise how you have been manipulated, abused and taken for a fool. Your anger is substantial and you feel a pressing need to unleash that anger against us with a litany of insults and some choice language.

2.      Enlightenment. You have had your epiphany and realised precisely what ensnared you, how it happened and why. You have seized this knowledge and now feel elated that you have done so. There is a sense of superiority in finally having all the pieces of the puzzle click into place and you want to confront us. You may not actually tell us what we are but you will certainly want to use the words, “I know what you are now.”

3.      Unfinished Business Part One. Nearly all discards occur without you being told that the Formal Relationship is over and if you are given such notice you are rarely given any proper or adequate explanation as to why this has happened. This results in the need to confront us at a later stage in order to try to find out why what has happened, has happened.

4.      Unfinished Business Part Two. This is akin to the situation above but the basis of this confrontation is in order to demand of us how we could do what we did and address your need to have us explain ourselves for what we did during the relationship.

5.      To Understand. You do not know what you were entangled with and you are unable to comprehend how somebody could behave in that manner towards you after everything that you did for us. This tirade details all of the help you gave us, the advantages that you conferred on us and each and every thing you did for us in the name of love.

6.      Clear the Smear. Predictably enough, you will have been smeared following your entanglement with us. You have heard all about the lies that have been peddled about you and you want to set us straight about how those comments were wrong, that you did not behave in the manner which we have described to other people and ultimately how you need to clear your name.

7.      The Right to Be Heard. You have a significant desire to want to be heard, especially as our manipulation of you will have caused you to feel that you have not been listened to during the Formal Relationship. You want your voice to be heard, you need to articulate your thoughts and feelings and an opportunity to avail yourself of discharging this need is too good to pass up.

8.      Convey the Pain. You remain horrendously wounded by your experience of being entangled with us and you want to let us know how badly we hurt you, how much it pains you still and how upset you are to have been treated this way.

9.      Sing the Praises. Sometimes you exhibit a capacity for nobility which manages to transcend the hurt, the pain and the anger. You remain bewitched by the golden period and all those magnificent attributes that you believe we still possess and therefore rather than attack us, expound bitterness or lash out, you declare all the reasons why you still love us, why you find us mesmerising despite what has happened and you wish us well for the future.

10. Justice. It is only right that are given the right of reply to the treatment that has been meted out against you.

11. Medicine. You put up with the tantrums, the lengthy invectives, the oral onslaughts and you were pummelled by our words. Now it is the time to give us a taste of our own medicine.

Whatever the motivation may be, your need and desire to have that final confrontation with us, to purge yourself of all those thoughts and considerations is huge and is very difficult for you to resist. Indeed, most of the time you do not resist it at all, instead you look to engineer situations whereby you are able to speak to us and deliver this tirade, this riposte, this howitzer. You will seek us out in order to provide us with a piece of your mind. Is this a good thing? Well, there are two potential upsides when this is looked at from your perspective. The first is that you are able to get things off your chest. All those thoughts which have whirled around your mind for weeks on end, the ifs and buts which prevented you from sleeping, the imponderables and the unanswered have been released as you allow your words to explode from you in an outburst of emotion applicable to whichever rationale which has driven you to this point. The second is that you may well feel that you have achieved some kind of closure by engaging in this step of giving us a piece of your mind.

But what about our perspective on all of this? What does this blast, this sounding off and this diatribe mean to us? This is where giving a piece of your mind in such a manner is actually not a good thing for you to do. Why is this?

1.      Sounding off in such an emotional manner, whether it is insulting us with angry words, crying with pain, savagely mauling us with a sneering and twisted face or even expressing how you still love us, just provides us with fuel and it is plentiful. You may have collared us on the telephone to vent at us. Anybody normal would end the call as they are repeatedly harangued and insulted, but not us, we will listen as we soak up all that fuel. Yes, we will be argumentative, defensive and belligerent but that is just to keep your tirade going owing to the plentiful fuel you are providing to us.

2.      This is a prime opportunity for us to hoover you. If we see you are angry, we may express false contrition, if you are hurt and upset we may declare how we will make changes so everything is right, if you reminisce about our wonderful times we will offer that golden period again to you. You are giving us a glorious opportunity to hoover you and in your heightened emotional state there is a good chance this will succeed.

3.      If we do not hoover at this point, you have just given us several reasons to execute a hoover at a later juncture by confirming to us that you remain adrift in the emotional state, you are fountaining with fuel and still beholden to us. The signs are good and it all points to a successful hoover in the near future.

4.      You confirm to us that you have failed to grasp the logic and reason of the situation and therefore your defences are weak. This means that further manipulations can be used and they will prove effective in terms of fuel and control.

5.      We take no notice of what you are actually saying. You may think that your speech is devastating, that you are landing telling blows on us, that you are assassinating our character and making us look terrible. You are not. You are playing into our hands. We are laughing at you inside.

6.      You are confirming that we continue to have considerable control over you. We may be busy with a new primary source but this confirmation acts as a green light to further unleashing of manipulations against you because you are not able to let go.

The temptation to give us a piece of your mind is vast and overwhelming but if done in the usual emotional fashion of the typical empathic individual you are just giving us more of what we want, failing to hurt us and extending your own entanglement with us.

12 thoughts on “A Piece Of Your Mind

  1. Deepsigh says:

    So…soooo….sooooo…..GLAD…..! I am finally past all of these things written in this article….so so glad!…..For almost 2 whole years or more…once a month or every few months….I was venting off to him….by email…..I would vacillate between telling him how awful he was and then send him descriptions of how great he was…I hate….I love…I miss…I would describe my ultimate perplexity at his odd manner…I would tell him of fantasies I had of us visiting again….lol he always responded to those types of emails…anyways…yeah I’m so happy to be past the email saga….oh yeah I would also tell him of things that happened in my life…yeah I suspect he is also glad I have finally given up trying to get something from him that he will never give me. And for such a large part of all of them….I received total silence! which I will admit drove me absolutely CRAZY! But its finally over and I have absolutely no more desire to ever reach out to him again! Such an unbelievable relief. Freedom!!!!!! I was really worried I would never stop.

  2. Survivor says:

    ‘Death by Suicide’ – no wonder Narcissistic Abuse is referred to as a type of Soul Death. Do you take personal responsibility for this ‘only one and it was suicide’ HG? How do you feel, knowing that it was your behaviour which lead to the other person ending their life?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I take no responsibility.
      Inconvenienced by the loss of fuel.

  3. Jett says:

    How many hostages have died upon leaving you, HG. And why.


    1. K says:

      So far as I have read, only one and it was a suicide. The article below may help with your question. Please correct me if I am wrong HG. Thank you.


  4. Survivor says:

    Anyone who feels no remorse, or guilt, or shame, and at the same time feels they’ve ‘won’ isn’t worth your time or energy. Let HG and his Kind feel they’ve ‘won’ – who cares? so long as there is no more entanglement. Not ever!

  5. Catherine says:

    I’m guilty of wanting to give him a piece of my mind for exactly the reasons stated here. It would be my closure and I imagine it would feel nice to get things off my chest. I never made my voice heard during the relationship and that’s one of my most painful regrets.

    Also I’m a sucker for justice. I think that’s where he caught me off guard; he made me tirelessly and with burning indignation fight for justice all the time; trying to prove my innocence when accused. I remember one time distinctly when I called Apple and had to wait in telephone queue for hours because he’d accused me of not being where I was (the infidelity issue as usual) due to something to do with my lack of WiFi connection. I actually made that call, waited on the phone all that time, and was proved right! Imagine the utter disbelief when my narcissist then dismissed me without even addressing the issue that had me fuming with injustice! He had his hands full with me; I never at least gave up proving him wrong and I could go to any lengths to do it..

    But I do believe in justice; what goes around comes around; and his punishment will surely come although I will not be the one exacting it. I’m going to move on instead with this newfound knowledge of pure evil; learning how to protect myself in the future.

    1. K says:

      You sound like you may be a super empath. Your tenacity, as well as, being a sucker for justice is an excellent source of fuel.

      1. Catherine says:

        Hi K,
        I don’t really know what I am but I think I lean more towards codependent unfortunately. I read HG’s book and I recognise myself in a lot of it. But I’m not sure.

        And you’re right; I’m a sucker for justice and he didn’t know what he got into (or unfortunately he did know) with me because I never gave up. I thought I was annoying him, proving him wrong all the time, searching with a torchlight for evidence, presenting him with it proudly. Lots of fuel for him though..

        1. K says:

          I am not an expert but you don’t come across as a CoD. Standing up to the narcissist to prove him wrong seems more like an act of defiance, which I don’t think is a CoD trait, but just to be sure I will double check my notes. Narcissists love a good fight and yours chose wisely.

      2. Catherine says:

        Thank you K, I am a bit confused myself, and I find this very interesting, but what I see as my codependency is the fact that I had this traumatic childhood that distorted my understanding of the world and of what love should be. I’m sometimes really scared that I crave drama to feel anything at all. I did enable my narc; I did stay put however bad it got wanting to help him; or rather help us; be the potential I thought we had in us. I’m the kind of person who in a room that gets really hot and uncomfortable don’t even consider the possibility of opening the door right in front of me and stepping out into the fresh air. Instead I start to undress, adjusting myself to the situation, ultimately changing myself and knowing nothing else. That’s scary. My therapist tells me it’s like I’ve switched off some button in me; I don’t run away facing danger; instead I just stand my ground and forget about myself in a dangerous situation. I did get into one situation like that when my narc got physically violent and I didn’t try to protect myself by leaving or playing dead, or even fighting back; I just put myself in front of him trying all the time to talk sense into him. That scares me. I felt no fear; the sensation of anxiety within that had to be dealt with, this fear I have of abandonment, was stronger than any fear.

        But otherwise I can be strong and I’m unbreakable somehow; I always felt like I have this inner core where no one can hurt me. It’s just confusing. Thanks for helping me out. What kind of an empath are you?

  6. A says:

    This is what fascinated me the most and what I could not understand and make sense of, until I read your works. Any normal person feels uncomfortable in an argument. Your kind has no fear of that, and even seems to enjoy it. Thank you for your input, this makes sense to me now.

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