Protection

PROTECTION

I am just a baby in your arms. I am fragile, brittle and vulnerable. You see I was broken when I was so, so young. I did not know any different and all I wanted was to be told that I was good. I did everything I could to please them but it was never deemed enough. I don’t know why I could not make them love me but it just did not happen. Perhaps if I had tried harder. I know it is my fault really but I did not know any better. They took something from me, I still do not know what it really is, but I think you do. I think you hold the answer because of who you are. I try to be a good person, I really do but there is just something that stops me from being that decent and compassionate person.  I see what you and people like you do and I cannot help but wish I was the same. Sometimes I want it so much it makes me do things I should not do because I cannot control the jealousy that rises and makes me do those Bad Things. Believe me, I fight against it but I have not had the strength to defeat the wickedness but I have you now don’t I? You will shield me and give me the fortitude I require to complete my journey to redemption. Everything that has happened before was borne out of me lacking you. Those things that I have done, well, I am not proud of them but I was weak and knew no better. I did not have you to lead and guide me. The others, you see, those others promised me that they would take care of me but they were just pretenders and charlatans who took from me and left me twisted and beaten in the dust. Sometimes I had to fight back. That was when I struck out at them. I did not want to, truly I did not want to do those things, but sometimes I was given no choice. I know all that has gone now because you are here. You are the person I have waited for for so long. I believe in you and how you can save me. You are my caretaker, my salvation and my rock. I look to you and you give me such hope. You show me that there is a better way, a road that leads to salvation. It is a road that will take me away from the Badlands and the darkness. I understand the road may be long, it may wind through difficult places but ultimately, with you holding my hand, I know that I will reach that place where I need not be afraid any longer. I need not hurt and lash out but instead I can harness the real goodness that is somewhere deep inside me.

You told me that it is there and I believe you. You know about these things. That is the way you have been made. You are the carer, the healer and the peacemaker. You must understand why it is that you are so special to me. You are the only one who truly understands what is to be me and you are the only one who can save me. I will place my heart in your hands and let you care for it. I have been broken, I have been broken for far too long, a shattered and fractured creature who has had to endure living this way without any hope of redemption, until you came along. Please, make me a better person. Please care for me and nurse me and hold my hand when the demons come. I look to you and only you and in those optimistic eyes of yours I find absolution.

All I want is to be loved. It is not too much to ask is it. I am a noble yet broken person and you hold the power to make me what I want to be, what I should be. I am like a baby in your arms. I am vulnerable yet with you there anything becomes possible. I know you will love me, care for me and protect me. You will save me. You are the only one.

You fall for this speech.

Every time.

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51 thoughts on “Protection”

  1. Great conversation. Love the theories!

    On a personal note: the moment my ex told me about his abuse, I broke down sobbing. I was overcome with grief and it was in that moment that I knew I was falling for him.
    Of course we all know how these relationships pan out.. but this article really hits home for me.

  2. All it does for me to know of their abuse in their childhood is makes me want to hurt their parents! Seriously I want to go right up to that mother and or father and slap the hell out them and spit in their face! For the legacy of pain their abuse has left…..for all of the victims of the narcissist or psychopaths. I myself have suffered horribly in my childhood. I suffered almost every kind of abuse. I was hit on….I was neglected….I was molested….I was called names and made to feel unworthy and stupid….I was denied love….emotional….psychological….physical….sexual….ALLllllllll of IT! Yet I am super prone to guilt and have an overactive conscience….like even about my thoughts! I am also very empathetic and can feel what others are feeling….physical…emotional….you name it! So wth? Why did this abuse make them cold assholes and mine made me super sensitive? Now idea? We went through a lot of the same things! I don’t like the way I am by the way. All prone to guilt and majorly empathetic…sometimes it’s very overwhelming and annoying and sometimes I think….this isn’t healthy either! I was so empathetic even as a young child. Once and older man was swinging me around in circles by the arms and he let go and my little body flew and then landed on the ground. Mind you this was in the foster home my mother put me in….yah! Anyways when I realized what had happened, I saw the look on the mans face was like oh no!!!! So I quickly went over to comfort him and tell him everything was okay. I had not once ounce of anger at getting hurt or him letting go. And I remember the man was really shocked at my reaction and the look on his face as I was attempting to comfort him! So yeah wth? Nobody else in my family was like this. Well I’m not sure about my brother, because my mother put him up for adoption without telling me when I was 6 or so. Yeah she finally told me a couple years later. Anyways….I could go on and on it’s unbelievable isn’t it.?

    1. And don’t even get me started on fear of abandonment. I have heard they have that! Well guess what? So do I. And yes I am a testimony to the fact that….fear of abandonment will cause you to abandon as well….in romantic relationships that is. So yeah, basically I have abandoned every romantic relationship I have been in. But it’s mostly been with Narcissists of every kind, so not sure that was a bad thing. Fear of abandonment…jealousy…no trust…and yes we even need and seek fuel. The biggest difference between myself and narcissists is I am prone to guilt and I have empathy and conscience. Otherwise we aren’t that different. And I am not evil nor do I ever wish to be. And I do not wish harm upon anybody else. No malice is present.

    2. I feel like crying when I read this. I am so sorry for you and I can only hope you find a way to heal. I’m giving you a big hug now XX

    3. The.Thrill.Is.Gone.
      I feel the same way about my narc parents and all narc parents for that matter. Sometimes, I want to slap the hell out of them all. No child deserved what you went through. You deserved a family, love and kindness. And putting your brother up for adoption, WTF. It really is a legacy of pain. Both you and I are wired to be empaths because of the abuse we experienced and I think genetics has a lot to do with it, as well. You are right; the narcissist and the empath share many similarities. And I agree that being an empath can be overwhelming, annoying and unhealthy too.

      1. K
        Thank you for saying that! Felt like my eyes start to water while reading what you said. I don’t think its sympathy I want necessarily. But it feels good to have someone sympathize with my situation as a child. And I am also sorry and sympathize with what you went through as well. Again thanks😌

      2. You are welcome, The.Thrill.Is.Gone.
        I am still trying to figure out emotions, but I think what I felt for you was empathy. We both shared miserable childhoods and I understood exactly how you felt. I am not sure if you want sympathy, perhaps, you may just want someone to listen to you, who truly understands you and your experience. There was so much sorrow in what you wrote that tears came to my eyes, too. The loss of your childhood was substantial and that is something you will carry with you always. Thank you for sharing.

    4. Thrill, I am so very sorry to hear about what you went through. I want to correct, though, one of your assumptions about Ns as I believe it is a common one… and a bit dangerous. Ns are not necessarily produced as a result of abuse. Some research shows one path to NPD is in fact overindulging and spoiling a child. I can personally attest that one of my Ns is the result of this road. Genetic factors too are widely regarded as part of the soup. Assuming Ns have been abused in every case can play to our empathetic nature and perhaps encourage us to give them more patience than they deserve. Also… since they are skilled liars and manipulators, I think we have to apply the same skepticism standard to their childhood stories. (I am 90% certain this is the case for my Dad.)

  3. I really do fall for it. Even every time I read this, knowing the ending. But there is a bit of truth and sincerity in there, right? Or used to be? Before the construct went up or solidified or whatever? Or is that just my pathological naivety and optimism talking

  4. In regards to believing that the narc can change I agree but it is not legal or worth the personal consequences if you get caught making that change…. and you will get caught! Stay on the “right side” of the law. Defend yourself. Shut em down.

  5. Deflect and blame others…same as always.
    No personal responsibility or accountability for your (a narcissist collective) actions.
    What garbage.
    Grow a pair and confront your fear.
    Whats the matter narcissist?
    Afraid of a little evolution?

    1. Hello, narc affair.
      I respect your views and I have been thinking about this matter a lot, for years. I firmly believe what I have written above. The thing is we (you and I) have a different meaning for “change”. Like you, I also rely on my personal experience and I also look at people around me. We change, when it is needed, but the parts of our personality that “win” over others have always been there. We cannot become something that does not exist inside us.Either good or bad.
      That,I believe, applies to all of us.
      HG will do what he needs to do. He has always done that and he will keep doing it. His current needs have lead him to something that has become a great gift for us. The man saved me, what more can I say? I consider myself very lucky for this and that’s it. My respect is the only thing I can give him in exchange.
      Only he knows if, through this whole experience, he has discovered some new aspects of his personality. But these aspects, if they exist, have always been there, burried inside him.

  6. K,
    Free will vs determinism. I believe humans possess free will. I don’t blame the shark but I blame the narc… although they are both cold blooded.

    1. Just Me
      They are both cold blooded, indeed. I have been thinking more about instinct v free will and much of my behavior is instinct. Without even thinking, I pick up all the litter at the school playground, knit hats and mittens for the children at school and volunteer for PTO and Bingo. I am thoughtless; I am programmed to be an empath. And, let’s agree that free will exists, but I posit that is doesn’t exist for the narcissist. As empaths we are capable of change, I do not think the narcissist is .

      1. K, I have come to believe that “change” is strongly related to needs. HG has written a million times that you don’t change a plan that works for you. And he is right. The same applies to us, non-narcs. We “change” when we hit bottom, in order to survive, like all species on the Earth do. It is that simple.
        Now, as far as “change” is concerned: Deep down inside, we do not change at all. Each one of us has, let’s say, a 100 characteristicks. They have always been there. Some come in front, some others are in the dark and can come to the surface when it is absolutely needed. When they do come to the surface (putting the characteristics that were in front to the background), we talk about “change”. It has always been us, though. Every single moment.
        Example: John is considered a good person. He has never hurt a fly. There was no need to, since he has been leading a smpoth life, surrounded by generally nice people, plus he was never in danger. Then, war errupts. The enemy is there, threatening his son. John kills the enemy, saves his son. Has he suddenly become a killer? No, he has always been a potential killer(like everyone of us). It is a matter of circumstances. When the war ends, after some years of peace, he will become the gentle soul he has always been-the only difference being that he will know what he is capable for.Which is not bad at all.
        Narcs and non-narcs. A matter of needs. Let us not forget that.

      2. M
        I completely agree with you. John’s instincts took over when war broke out and his son’s life was threatened so he became a killer. Is he culpable for protecting his son and killing the enemy? No. Once peace returns he then reverts back to his gentle ways. We are all wired with basic instincts that react to environmental stressors.

        My instincts (pain and fear) are motivating/driving me to change my behavior in order to protect myself from NPD abuse. Run away from the narc/shark.

        The narcissist’s instincts for self-preservation motivates him to gather fuel to survive and he will change his behavior (my MMRN chose to have a sexual relationship with an 18-year-old boy) in order to achieve this goal as efficiently as possible.

        The narcissist is hardwired to be a narcissist and can only effect change within the parameters of his context. And I posit that is the same for the empath.

      3. Hi M…i agree to change there has to be a reason why youd want to change. Hitting rock bottom or having some life altering situation can sometimes trigger change.
        Can we change yes we can. I am most certainly not the same person i was 20 years ago. That person is so different she more or less ceases to exist.
        The mind is a fascinating thing and we can change the way we think which impacts our behaviours, choices and actions. Humans have the capacity to change and thats been proven and a fact.
        We possess free will to make choices and determine our direction in life. Saying a narc is hardwired i feel is misleading. The past definitely plays a role but therapy can overcome the past and a new person can arise. Its an excuse to say someone cant change bc of their upbringing and grossly limits them. Look at what all HG has done with his books etc he is a very capable individual and if he chooses he can change. He has to want to tho and therein lays the problem with many personality disorders.
        That being said i dont focus my energy on fixing people and can only fix myself which is a struggle in itself.

  7. Dear God, he used such a similar version of this. He cried on and off for years of courtship , how humble how broken how repentant how grateful to be given a chance after 30 years apart , every woman paled compared to little ol me. I was the only one who cared and he just laid his head on my lap, crying, just wanted me to stroke his head, shield him from those mean people he was abused by. Such a sensitive soul, accepted Jesus, got baptized, what a loving step dad he promised to be, poor widow w kids ( never mind I had gotten over the very tough part of losing my beloved husband 5 years prior, with no interest in another…he got me at a strong empathetic optimistic ( usually smart & skeptical ) I chose the wrong time to give optimism to this liar. He played a sheep he was a malignant harsh abusive soulless rage filled pretender who despite my intense yearning to heal and understand and bring happiness, I realized after 7 years I didn’t know if he hadn’t a core, a real personality, he was an opportunist. A taker, a destroyer, he almost took everything from me. Dear God the hollow wasted life. HG this was eloquent and torturous to read bcs I did live it . I believed he needed help. I can never give like that again I am forever darkened inside. Or so it feels. Easy to despise the day he came back and I let him override the pit I felt in my stomach that said ‘nothing good can come from this’ I’m still trying to get out legally and get some identity back . Thx HG it’s painful but it’s closure is never see from him.

  8. Dearest HG,

    I tried.. I started out skeptical, cynical, you’ve taught me well (I told myself)

    but then.. I kept reading..

    DAMN YOU!! and your heart-tugging, sincere-sounding, smooth-talking.. bull shit.

    Damn it.

    Every time.

    If I’m honest, I would absolutely fall for this – because I absolutely want to simply love someone who wants to be loved.. it’s really not about fixing, in my case, it’s just about the love devotee aspect of touching a heart – the way this speech touched mine..

    ..but I’ve gotten better at turning on my heel the moment I realize it’s fake, or manipulation, and/or I’m hurt.. I don’t have to hurt..

    Despicable. Heart-wrenching… and forever left screaming – Why??!!

    .. Have you stopped seeing the good doctors?

    PS Tu me manques. xx

      1. From the bits and pieces you have shared about your relationship with your brother and sister and the fact they were part of the family intervention to get you into therapy, now that a few years has gone by, do they ever comment to you if they think therapy has helped or ask you how you feel about still having to see the doctors?

  9. “You fall for this speech.

    Every time.”

    Because it was not given as this speech, exactly. It was the acting trusting enough to reveal his hurts to me. I should have known when I was expressing sympathy and he shrugged off like whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.

    ” I did not know any different and all I wanted was to be told that I was good. I did everything I could to please them but it was never deemed enough..”

    HG,

    That would work on me, as I experienced this painful frustration also. But I was occasionally told that I was loved, anyway. Just try harder.

    I would guess you were never even given that crumb of relief?

    Would you feel envy that another had at least that bit ?

    Is their turning out different the reason to inflict punishment?

  10. The most eerie component of this….

    My ex asked me this several times. I was filled with so much dissonance in that moment. I wanted to protect him. I loved him and he sounded so innocent. Yet, I experienced a brand of hurt and anger I had not realized as covert abuse. That dissonance sucked. Now that I’m no contact, resentment-flavored hindsight is the most bitter thing I’ve ever tasted…

  11. Ahhh, yes….quite a hook….wonderfully balanced in hitting all the triggers. Strength empaths out there…don’t fall for this tome of emotional baggage

  12. Everytime i read this i can see where this disordered person is coming from but ultimately its not an excuse for continuing on the path that a narc is on. A greater especially bc they know what they do. Why are empaths lectured to go no contact and change their lives but narcissists arent? I no longer buy into this. A narcissist can change and they need to start by breaking their addiction of codependancy on fuel sources. If an empath can break that codependancy on the narc so can a narc on their fuel supplies. An abusive childhood is a definite factor but its not an excuse to not change!

    1. Two points :-

      1. The Lesser and Mid Range do not know what they are. Therefore they see nothing wrong in what they do, thus they see nothing to change.
      2. The Greater recognises that what we do is labelled as wrong, but we regard it as necessary and of course we do not care about the consequences for others.

      The victim sees the need for effecting change because of the hurt they suffer.

      1. Hi HG and happy new year….i can see what youre saying but its a codependancy on fuel and that is wrong in itself to have to depend on others to feel ok in life. Its no different than relying on drugs. If a crackhead can quit so can a narc. Im sure many greaters in particular dont like having to rely on others and keep up to the demands of keeping and getting new supply. That awful feeling when a primary escapes and theyre left lost and scrambling desperately to reinstate a new primary. That cant feel good going thru that over and over again.
        Its the same for a victim that shakey foundation relying on a narc for love and validation that keeps crumbling. Both are codependancies on others instead of themselves.
        Lessers and midrangers i think would have to hit rock bottom in some way to have any hope in changing but a greater has the advantage of knowing what theyre doing and why its wrong.

      2. My ex MMRN used to say he believed he had been codependent. He seemed to be aware that he wasn’t completely functional, he went to therapy after his divorce. Went through a complete fuel crisis/nervous breakdown. He seems to know much of what he does is wrong, yet there are times he seems clueless. It’s like he fits the MMRN, yet teeters on the line of a greater. As calculating and aware, yet lacking the total “greater” factor.

      3. “1. The Lesser and Mid Range do not know what they are. Therefore they see nothing wrong in what they do, thus they see nothing to change.”
        This part is difficult to understand or to believe. If they know (and they do know) social basic standards, they can’t believe they did nothing wrong.

        I have just told the N I was dealing with: that game was over, that he treated me really to lightly to stay in my life. I pointed lies, romantic bullshit and canceled appointments. Only facts.
        We met a long time ago when his personality was not “full-fleged”. I told him this time I had only seen a “charachter”, superficiality. That I never recognized him.

        We both know he showed nothing more than pretense, an that his behaviours were not acceptable.

        I understand it is the way he “wants” to behave to serve his aims. But I can’t believe he “sees nothing wrong” in what he did. He is rejected because it was wrong.
        And I think he knows that, otherwised he would not have tried to hide and weave so much.
        Am I missing something here ?

    2. I am not so sure it is that simple, narc affair. The abuse that I suffered as a child has wired me to be an empath. I have no choice in the matter and neither does the narcissist.

      A Great White is wired to spend its life hunting for food (fuel).
      The seal is its favorite food (fuel). You can yell at the shark all you want but it will get you no where. Frustrated perhaps, which equals fuel.

      We are the seals and they are the sharks. It is reductive but I hope the analogy helps a little.

      P.S.
      Technically one could argue that they are not culpable for their horrific behavior.

      1. Culpable in some aspects, in others not so much. I get what you’re saying. I’ve had similar thoughts.

      2. Interesting analogy…something to ponder…
        Although…the difference between seals/sharks and humans is introspection, analytical thought and the abilty to respond rather than react.
        Reacting to instinct as an animal i understand….unless science proves that genetically narcissists are somehow incapable of detaching from the lizard brain we all have, then maybe they are capable of change with AND without awareness of the problems they create.

        Not to mention there are multitudes of people (i am one personally) who would be more than willing to assist a narc in meeting their needs in healthier ways.
        Now if they were just open and evolved enough to consider this possibilty…many of us might be able to have inherent needs met.

        Which brings to mind…what is it inside of us empaths that desperately needs to be with a narc? Could it be we are more interested in “fixing” someone than progressing on our own character flaws?

        If the needs change, the desire changes and what we attract changes.

      3. Hi k…those are animals and we are humans. We are advanced enough to be able to make choices and change our ways. Its not easy but its entirely possible. Just because it feels necessary for survival doesnt make it so. Thats maladaptive thinking and its false. The narcissist “feels” they have to do these things to prevent fading and maintain the false self….false self. They can get therapy like an empath can. When a drug addict stops doing drugs they feel they cant survive without but they detox and they wotk thru it with therapies and they go no contact with their addiction. Its no different for a narc or a victim.

      4. I concur – I’m hard-wired to be absurdly empathic. I’m also bi-polar, biochemically programmed for intense emotion of every kind. Like it or not, we empaths FEED OFF NARC FUEL, too. We mirror each other, we feed off each other, I said it. Do normal guys light my fire? No. Why? Because I’m a very intense person, and normies don’t like intensity. I can’t “feel” the energy of a normie, but I can feel the energy of a narc even from a text. I’m an addict.

        I’ve got no concern for trying to “change” their behavior. That’s a mindset of not letting go of the ex, and not focusing on fixing oneself. It’s my job to grow up and take responsibility for the qualities that make me vulnerable to ensnarement.

        I’m much more concerned about the true psychopaths in control of the government.

      5. I have doing a lot more thinking about it lately, too, Sophia. It is both simple and complex at the same time.

      6. Ditto, Chingona. HG has been telling us that it is all instinct, even for the Greater. Although he has awareness and we do too, much of human behavior is instinct. Because of the way we are wired, we are capable of change and you are correct when you wrote that our focus should be on ourselves

        BTW Normies don’t light my fire either.

    3. i do believe they can change.
      But their addiction to that lifestyle which is giving them such “high”.. is too desirable.. it’s a drug.. therefore the more they carry on the more it embeds in their innermost..
      and it makes changes almost nil ..
      but it is not impossible..

      1. PureSoul
        It is an addiction and it is hardwired into the narcissist. I do not think they are capable of change. The little NPD children that I am around are fuel addicts and they cannot change their behavior either. They are little fuel-collecting-machines.

    4. NA-

      Just to follow up on HG’s comment. My Midrange experience lied to me about his entire identity, including his name, his sexual orientation, essentially everything.

      Even were I to confront him on this with examples, he would never equate what he did as ‘lying’ or ‘deceit’. Those words don’t enter his vocabulary. His narcissism is protecting him from believing he did anything wrong. He is the victim, in his mind, and can’t see it any other way.

      This is why it is pointless to argue with them and why there will never be a compromise.

      It’s all about HIS point of view, what lives in HIS mind. That is all that matters. He cannot see it from my perspective. That I was terribly hurt and suffered trauma is beside the point. I should not have been so sensitive, is what he would tell me.

      In his mind, he believes withholding information as that was his right to do so, and he doesn’t owe me any explanation because ‘I need to accept him for the way he is.’

      I know this because he said it to me. So one cannot change what he doesn’t realize or recognize as a problem. He is depressive, and I do know he knows something is ‘different’ about him, but he would never, ever believe or recognize himself as a narcissist.

      He didn’t even see himself as passive-aggressive. He believes he is a good person and that he had to do what he did (that is, lie, though he would never use that word) because this is what he wanted and what he wants is what goes. And in his mind, that should be enough for me.

      Thankfully, I don’t live in his mind, and it will never be good enough.

      1. Hi bibi…i do agree lessers and midrangers dont see their behaviour and actually deny it to themselves on a deeper level. This i think in a nutshell is why it is so difficult for a narcissist to change. They also have to have a reason to want to and thats where something had to take place to motivate them to want to change which is rare. Its not impossible. I think a greater would have more of a chance of seeing this and i wont say being cured of their narcissism but improving and modifying it.

    5. “…Why are empaths lectured to go no contact and change their lives but narcissists arent? I no longer buy into this…”

      Bravo, Narc affair!
      Everyone who is capable to see the difference between “right” and “wrong” can change or modify his/her “settings” and behavior.

      If the person see nothing “wrong” with his/her behavior or doesn’t want to do something with it, no need to stay with that person at all. Unconditional good bye.

      1. Correct Noname!
        The narcissist sees nothing wrong with her/his behavior so s(he) won’t ever change. So bye-bye and no contact is the way to go.

    6. Hello narc affair
      I agree that the analogy is reductive but I have been paying attention to my behavior lately and I realize that I have no choice in how I act; I am programmed to be an empath and everything I do is instinct. I have no free will. Those maladaptive behaviors are coping mechanisms that developed during childhood to help the narcissistic child to protect himself and survive. Ideally, it would be terrific if every narcissist was in therapy and could benefit from it, but that isn’t going to happen. They do not think they are disordered, also, I think the way the are wired is irreversible and permanent. Another thing I have noticed is that I have no control over my narcissistic traits either, I react without thought and then I am no longer empath K, I am narc K and it is a shit show. It is just food for thought, narc affair, and, as always, I appreciate your input.

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