The Rules of Ex Club – No. 32

A DISENGAGED EXIS A DELETED EX

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20 thoughts on “The Rules of Ex Club – No. 32”

  1. HG can you write more about the sixth sphere and what has made exes of yours enter it? Since that is the only sphere I can appear in with my ex I am eager to learn about it.

      1. HG
        Ah, yes the magic word “meme” and the inspiration for Narc icicles-No 1. I think I understand exactly how compartmentalisation works, although I am still in the nascent stages of channeling my inner narcissist, it is similar to: What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. As a child, I am fairly certain that I may have done this. There is a thick patina of dust on my childhood narcissism but like iceskating, it is all coming back.

      2. HG
        To be clear not the inspiration for icicles but the instruction underneath the meme. Also, I understand why you can’t make connections and can only move/look forward. Absolute control equals safety and I understand that, too. From my perspective you don’t have a choice-you have written it many, many times here-but I can see it in my childhood.

      1. I wonder how it differs from us deleting people. I know my habit of deleting people isn’t like yours because I feel. I delete when my emotions get too big, you delete without having any.

      2. But if its never over until one of us dies, but we have been deleted through compartimentalisation, isn’t this the same as it being over? As long as nothing dips into that little memory cell you all put us in (the hoover criteria and all), then the narc and the victim are pretty much over for good. Compartimenatlisation can last forever, really.

      3. No, because even though there is the ‘deletion’ you still belong to us and thus it disengagement, a temporary state of affairs because there will always remain a risk of a hoover, which means it is not over. Of course, there may not be a Hoover Trigger or the HEC are not met but that is highly unlikely, so in practical terms there is no engagement between narcissist and victim again, but in our minds it is not over.

      4. So, if a narc blocks you from wounding he received, and never undoes it, this is out of ongoing punishment which means the punishment is not noe will the punishment be over. That is his involvement. Blocking doesn’t mean delete the way a normal person would. Blocked and moved on. He blocked and left it active in his head that way. I wish I could relate to so.e of this in this situation because why would a narc block and never undo it? I am not now, he knows I am accessible and he is sort of accessible to me, but well before, blocking was total and he never undid it. He had no intention of a hoover, how could he? How is that not forever deleted? He would know a normal person would interpret it that way. Isn’t that then setting it up to be fully over?

        I wonder what is triggering this all again, wandering through this maze again though very peripherally. I guess I just feel a round of sadness and that’s normal, as long as I don’t act on it. Just breath through it.

      5. This is how compartmentalisation feels to me. It is instinctive and automatic, you don’t even realize you are doing it. There are no emotions at all, they are completely absent; it is like a machine performing a job. Erasing someone/thing allows you the freedom to do what is necessary to survive. It is thoughtless and lets you move forward with ease.

        Which helps me understand why we get malign hoovered if we bother you during the GP with the new IPPS.

        We refused to get erased and that challenges you/ignites your fury triggering a malign hoover.

        HG, If I am barking up the wrong tree, let me know because this is my perspective and I may be incorrect.

  2. Dear HG,

    I have to say I admire your incredible level of intellect. It can be seen very clearly from your writings that you have a great understanding not only of narcs/ sociopaths but on life in general and a deeper insight into a variety of subjects. I think it would be incredibly interesting to hold a conversation with you. I myself have dealt with a victim narcissist who barely finished high-school so i have not felt at all intellectually stimulated. However he had a better emotional intelligence so managed to manipulate my feelings. Anyway, I think you have a brilliant mind and wanted to say I’m incredibly grateful for stumbling upon your blog with so much useful information that helped me move on from an excruciatingly painful experience.

    However, I have another thing I wanted to share. I have been reading a more of a spiritual/philosophical kind of book, and there was a sequence on Evil that of course resonated considering my experience with the Narc. I wanted to share it with you and hear your opinion:

    “Evil people hate the light because it reveals themselves to themselves. They hate goodness because it reveals their badness; they hate love because it reveals their laziness. They will destroy the light, the goodness, the love in order to avoid the pain of such self-awareness.
    If necessary they will even kill to escape the pain of their own spiritual growth. As the integrity of their sick self is threatened by the spiritual health of those around them, they will seek by all manner of means to crush and demolish the spiritual health that may exist near them.
    But evil backfires in the big picture of human evolution. For every soul it destroys-and there are many- it is instrumental in the salvation of others. Unwittingly, evil serves as a beacon to warn others away from its own shoals”

    Although i might agree that narcs/ sociopaths are a necessary evil in the big picture of things( very hard to accept but probably true) I have found another interesting perspective which I never though about.
    Do you destroy other people(empaths) because you are jealous of their ability to love, to be compassionate, to connect and to be happy? is it out of fear/jealousy? Do you wish by destroying them, on some level that they become as dark and empty..so they see what it is like?

    I am reaaaally sorry the incredibly long comment I really like to go in depth analysing stuff, I will understand if you dont reply or give a very brief reply. I am sorry if this subject has touched some wounds- even you write that you dont experience such emotions.

    And thank you in advance for your reply!

    1. I do not destroy so they get to experience what it is like to be dark and empty because they do not become that, but I understand the basis of your suggestion and thanks for sharing it.

  3. I sure believe this , I’m a diagnosed Borderliner . Grew up with a narcist always been the PS till now . Your blog is helping me alot how to reconize the “ abuse” . But also the weakness in the “ Empathic” side thank you very much for sharing this . And looking back I’ve never had an relationship with a not narcissistic “boyfriend/husband” . I see my error in this. And never been strong in the no contact . Eventough I’ve been really deleted as well . But very soon because I think intuitive I feel “façade” right away and ask questions in a early stage in the relationship due trust issues could this be why i’m to much to deal with ? And they flee ?

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