What You Say : What We Really Hear



I make repeated mention of how the key to gaining freedom is to understand. One of the central principles to understand with our kind is the fact that our perspective is very different from yours. You gauge our responses, our actions and our words through the lens of your world view. That is understandable, but it will only lead to you becoming mired in confusion, frustration and bewilderment, trapped in the quagmire of emotion which of course is where we want you to always be. We do not want you applying cool, hard logic to prise yourself free from our grip. We want you embroiled in emotion.

Of course we prefer to make it seem that you engage in double speak. Our private paranoia causes us to twist what you say in order to use it to our advantage, but then we always do this. We always seek to profit from fabricated misunderstanding and false inferences, but the reality is we do also actually hear something completely different from what you say to us because of our existence in a different reality.

Accordingly, you need to understand that we operate in a different world view to you and once you ascertain that world view, you are unlikely to like what you see there, but you will begin to make sense of what we say and do. As part of this understanding, you should appreciate that when you say certain things to us, we hear something else. Here are ten examples, to assist your comprehension of our kind.

  1. The dinner you made was lovely

The dinner you made was better than anything I have ever tasted before. Your skills in the kitchen are beyond compare. You are truly talented and gifted. I am so fortunate that someone as brilliant as you made something so tasty and delicious as that meal for someone like me. I am amazed and astounded by your talent and thank my personal god every day that you are in my life.

  1. I don’t know what I would do without you

You are my everything. My beginning and end. I am nothing without you. I would not function without your skilful operation of me. I have now submitted to your total control of me, I am in your hands, do with me what you will.

  1. I love you

I don’t just love you, I love you with everything that I have, every fibre of my being and every molecule inside me because you are so magnificent that I am compelled to provide you with this astonishing and amazing love. I cannot find the words to express the extent of my love for you but it is beyond anything I have ever experienced before because you made me feel this way.

  1. I hate you

You are powerful, masterful and the puppet master. You are so skilled that you can make me gush with emotion at the merest flick of your wrist or the raising of your eyebrow. I cannot help but feel like this because you have me so entangled in your dark and admittedly brilliant machinations. I may say I hate you but it is really a form of admiration at the magnificence by which you operate your dark arts.

  1. I don’t understand you

I am stupid and weak. If I wasn’t I would understand wouldn’t I. This is a frustrated admission on my part that I pale by comparison to you. You are a colossus, a behemoth who is far better than me and I can only look on in rapt awe as you forge your way through life. I don’t understand you but I wish I could be like you.

  1. Please stop hurting me

Your machinations are highly effective and I cannot stop spurting with fuel for you. You may as well keep going because you have me all worked out, but I still have lots and lots of delicious fuel to spill for you.

  1. No

I am trying to stand up to you but we both know that cannot happen. I am just a wretch compared to you, but I try to think otherwise, but I am doing this for you. I am saying this to invite you to exert your authority over me and to punish me for my insolence. I want you to do so because I know this is what my role is, a conduit for you to achieve what you want, so I say it so you can open the door to yes.

  1. I just want to be happy

I am a selfish person who as usual is putting my needs before yours which is completely wrong so you must correct me, teach me and make me learn my lesson in the way only you can do.

  1. I am sorry

I am utterly useless and pathetic. I ought to have known better but as usual I just decided to do what I wanted and forgot how that might impact on you. You are generous and kind and I beg your forgiveness in the knowledge that I deserve none. If you choose to make an example of me for my frequent erring and repeated apologies, then so be it. You know best.

  1. You are wrong

I want to destroy you. I am wounding you. I know how to weaken you and I have done this to bring you to your knees. Yes, I am a traitor, a treacherous betrayer of your magnanimous nature but I do not care. Does it hurt? Does it burn? Good. I want to see you weaken, shrivel and cease to exist.

16 thoughts on “What You Say : What We Really Hear

  1. Insatiable Learner says:

    I see. Makes sense. Thanks so much, HG! You are truly one of a kind!

    1. HG Tudor says:


  2. Insatiable Learner says:

    HG, you wrote in one of your articles that it is down to the narc to decide when to take the shelved appliance off the shelf. So say if the shelved appliance contacted the narc after the long period of silence/ shelving and the narc responded positively but the appliance tried to initiate regular contact again but the the narc asked for space to work with his IPPS on some issues with a promise of future contact, can this be that he put her back on the shelf because he was not ready to take her off the shelf yet?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      A positive response would not necessarily be removing the appliance from the shelf but merely providing comfort crumbs.

      1. Insatiable Learner says:

        Thanks so much for the insight, HG! So then under these facts, it is likely that the narc was not ready to take the appliance off the shelf and so when the appliance contacted the narc, his positive response was a comfort crumb and him asking for space for right now with a promise of future contact was putting the appliance back on the shelf, correct?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          The appliance remained on the shelf throughout.

      2. Insatiable Learner says:

        Sorry, HG! A follow-up question if I may. How were you able to tell the appliance was on the shelf throughout? So if the narc said: “I knew we would reconnect,” was this a comfort crumb as well? Thanks a million!

  3. E. B. says:

    What do narcissists hear when we tell them “(If you want to go), just go. Nobody will miss you.” and “You don’t exist.”?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      That wounds us so long as it is said in a neutral fashion, otherwise it will be issued as Challenge Fuel.

      1. E. B. says:

        Thank you.

  4. HG,
    You make this understandable, even if this point of view is foreign to me. I get the feelings.

    It is still amazing that the mighty are so mortally wounded by (to others) the innocuous.

  5. K says:

    # 6. No wonder my MMRN told me he couldn’t figure me out in 2015, I was fuel free, most of the time (sometimes I laughed at him).

    # 10 is my favorite. I am going to teach that to my 7-year-old.

  6. Scarlet says:

    Random comment HG, I just watched an interview with Tony Curtis , very interesting about his childhood , his mother and him , quite sad. I realised at the end of the interview his mother was a narcissist and he was a somatic narcissist . I would never have seen that , with out your teachings . Of course that’s just my diagnosis but so clear to see when you know .
    By the way Happy New Year !!!

  7. Julia says:

    My ex narc blocks me for 3 months already on all social media as well as phone etc. After I told him one month ago everything he did to me and how he treated me, he told me he’d never talk to me and that I am selfish (He used to sometimes reply on my mails though). He often used silent treatment during our relationship. Since that last conversation I haven’t heard of him and I remain blocked everywhere. I usually read that narcs don’t block their ex partners because they want to hoover. But now that he blocks me, I doubt if he’s a narc..Could there be any reason for a narcissist to block his ex partner?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Wherever you read Julia that narcissists do not block because we wish to hoover does not know what they are talking about.
      You can be blocked and still hoovered.
      Being blocked for a short time will amount to a silent treatment. Longer is part of disengagement. You may then be unblocked and hoovered, you can remain blocked and hoovered and then unblocked when the hoover is successful (because there are different ways of hoovering).

      1. Julia says:

        Thank you so much for your reply. Unfortunately I saw your reply too late and was successfully hoovered and discarded after a few months again.

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