How The Narcissist Evades When Questioned

 

 

HOW THENARCISSIST

You are not allowed to question us. To do so is an affront to our notion of superiority and lack of accountability. Your questioning of us may be deliberate, in that you want to know why we have rolled up half-drunk at 3am or it may be perceived by us as you questioning us in a critical fashion, even though you have not intended this, for example you politely ask us where we have been. We regard this as you suggesting to us that we are not allowed to do as we want and that we are somehow accountable to you.

If you engage in Deliberate Questioning, it is usually the case (until such time as you become fully acquainted with what we are and know how to approach dealing with us) that your methodology will be one that provides us with fuel, even though you are challenging us. You will ask in an annoyed fashion where we have been, or express irritation when you ask why we have not moved the rubbish outside. When there is Deliberate Questioning, we do not like you challenging us but because you do so at the same time as providing fuel, our fury is not ignited. Instead, we recognise your challenging behaviour and identify that this must be addressed and our superiority exerted but at the same time we also see that there is an opportunity for us to gain more fuel from you.

You might think that since our fury has not been ignited that we could accept the fuel provided and admit that we are in the wrong, explain what has happened and allow the matter to be resolved. A normal person may do this and you, as an empathic individual, would say your piece and with the agreement and resolution being achieved, you will draw a line under it and move on. Such a scenario is no good to us. You have challenged us and whilst the fury has not been ignited we must still maintain our superiority and this means rejecting your challenge. This rejection also presents us with an opportunity to draw fuel from you, by denying your assertion and so forth. Thus we assert our superiority and gain fuel.

If you engage in Perceived Questioning this invariably ignites our fury because you will do it in a fuel-free manner so that the perceived criticism arising from your questioning wounds us, our fury ignites and we lash out in order to demand fuel to heal the wound caused by your criticism. You may have asked us a question but you did so without any agenda attached to it. We do not see it that way, your simple query of

“Oh, where have you been?” is interpreted by us as suggesting that we are not entitled to do what we want without your approval first. It is delivered without fuel and is critical, thus the wounding occurs and the ignition of fury occurs. We must strike back, once again in order to assert our superiority but also to gain fuel from you.

Accordingly, whether you raise questions of us in an emotional manner, whether you ask them in a straight-forward way, whether you are demanding we explain our selves or that your question is innocuous, you are always going to find that we respond in a manner which provokes an argument.

We do not want you questioning us, whether it is Deliberate or Perceived. You are not permitted by our rules to do so. Once you do, we must reject your challenge, assert our superiority and gain fuel (either because we see the opportunity to do so or because we have to heal the wound). What is the result of this? The deployment of evasion tactics.

This is why you are never able to have a reasonable discussion about something that is concerning you or why we fly off the handle after a seemingly innocent question you have asked us which you find both alarming and bewildering. This is why you find your concerns are not resolved, that you are pushed to a state of heightened emotion, confused, annoyed and frustrated as we point blank refuse to answer what you have asked us. These responses on our part are largely instinctive, a reaction to your challenging behaviour and the prospect/necessity of fuel. The Greater of course will delight in adding to these instinctive responses by layering them with further manipulation and game-playing.

So, what are these evasion tactics? There are many but below are eight which you will no doubt be familiar with. Now you know that these responses, hitherto unexplained and perplexing, are instinctive responses designed to counter your challenge to our superiority and to cater for our need for fuel. No longer will you scratch your head at why we do these things when you question us and instead you ought now to realise how you are only falling into a trap every time you try to engage us.

Why do you fall into this trap? It is because of your innate empathic traits which cause you to be drawn into our machinations through the evasion tactics. You fall for this because you continue to engage with us for the following reasons:-

  1. You need to secure the reality of what has happened. (The Truth Seeker).
  2. You want us to see your point of view. (The Need To Fix.)
  3. You want to be heard. (The Need to Be Honest To Yourself).
  4. You want resolution. (The Need To Be Decent).

These traits of yours cause you to become entangled every time we deploy the Evasion Tactics, of which eight are now detailed.

  1. Drown You Out

We will talk over you, we will shout over you, we will hurl insults at you in a blitzkrieg response which is designed to result in the fact that since you can no longer be heard then you can no longer challenge us. Hearing is challenging, we do not want to hear you any longer and instead we shall draw fuel from your gestures and expressions as our blanketing response draws your frustration and anger.

2. Other People

We shift the topic of conversation on to other people in order to deflect from your attack against us. We will explain how a colleague works similarly late and never receives any flak from his spouse in order to make you appear unreasonable. We will triangulate you by explaining how a previous partner never made such a fuss about our spending habits. By comparing you to other people we engage in our classic act of triangulation, aiming to belittle you and cause you to talk about those other people rather than continuing your attack against us.

3. Delivery But Not Content

We will repeatedly interrupt you as we demand to be allowed to finish, we accuse you of not allowing us to speak our mind, we tell you that you are judging us before we have been able to state our case, we remind you not to interrupt us, not to raise your voice at us, demand you lower your voice or change your tone. None of this of course addresses the content of what you are wanting to discuss with us but instead we deflect by getting you to defend yourself by saying you are not interrupting, that you are not raising your voice and so forth. Your challenge becomes lost as you are caught up in these sideshows and all the while the emotion pours from you.

4. Early Resolution

This is a classic tactic of both the Lesser and the Mid-Ranger. The Lesser, lacking the articulate nature to continue the verbal sparring decides to call time on the “discussion” and thus end the attack. He will announce that the discussion is at an end and will sign off with one last act which will draw a sudden surge of fuel from you. He may push you and bellow that the matter is over, or possibly  lash out with fists and spit in your face that he has had enough of talking and  your shocked and hurt response providing that jet of fuel that he requires and he then withdraws, satisfied he has asserted himself and has instinctively avoided any further wounding. The Mid-Range will declare

“There is nothing more to discuss.”

“I have made my point and that is the end of it.”

“This ends now.”

He will then withdraw and dole out a silent treatment, gaining fuel after the event and having protected himself, perhaps when he felt that the situation was slipping away from him, by withdrawing from the continuing challenge or criticism.

5. The Shift

We will turn the discussion onto something else completely. We may talk about some issue arising at work, point out that the exterior of the house needs a lick of paint or that we are thinking about buying a new car. You will try and shift the topic back to what you want to discuss but we will keep tugging it off topic again as we demonstrate our control over you and your emotional responses provide us with fuel.

6. The Outgunning

You think we have done something wrong? Luckily for us we know of plenty of other things which you have done (in our minds) that are far worse and therefore we will commence our own inquisition of you about your behaviour in order to demonstrate that you are the one who is in the wrong and should be subjected to questioning, not us. You feel the need to get to the truth of the matter and therefore you are derailed from advancing your questioning of us as you are forced into defending yourself.

7. How Could You?

How could you treat us in this manner after all that we have done for you/after the week we have had at work/knowing that our dog has just died/our football team lost the final. We will roll out one of the typical pity plays by pointing out that we have either done so much for you and this is the thanks that we get and/or you are a heartless cow who is kicking us when we are down. Either way, it prompts you to justify your approach and deflects from what you have been trying to discuss.

8. Pest

Why won’t you leave us alone? We just want a simple and quiet life (oh the hypocrisy) but you just won’t let us will you? You have to keep pestering us with questions all of the bloody time, just shut up and leave us be. This is often used when you engage in Perceived Questioning as our abrupt response to you just asking “how are you” leaves you upset and bewildered.

 

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22 thoughts on “How The Narcissist Evades When Questioned”

  1. I’ve spent 20 years a whole lot of trouble and my children still don’t believe me . It’s ebougj to really make you sick but I’m now free ( too late ? No never !)

  2. Dear S and Sarcnarc (and H. G.),

    Apologetic? LOL, on the contrary, I take it as a feather in my cap that I can placate a psychopath in one fell swoop – so who is manipulating whom?

    First of all, I hope you will allow me to say THANK YOU for sticking up for me on H. G.’s forum. That shows grit. So brava for that! You are both clearly intelligent people with your own strong ideas of what’s right and wrong, and not only that, but you have the nerve to speak out about it – I applaud you for that. I wasn’t expecting that. I was expecting flying monkeys. Actually I am also impressed with H. G. that he can “take it” without unleashing any flying monkeys. So bravo to everyone! Lol

    However, I never apologized to H. G. True, I was tolerant and forbearing in responding to his phantom fallacy bait and histrionics, but these are characteristics I happen to be working on improving for myself at the moment, regardless of H. G. (whoever you even are) or any other narc. I decided at some point last year, long before I ever found H. G.’s blog, or even knew what narcissism was, to endeavour to become more even tempered, and “gentlemanly” in my conflicts. Partly this is in revolt against our ever barbaric society, and partly it’s just my personal journey, which has its starting point internally, to see how high above it all I can rise, and has absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with whomsoever my fencing partner happens to be on any given day. It’s a growth process I challenge my own self to. So, THANK YOU for having the intelligence, savoir faire, and guts to stand up for me here in what was clearly an abuse attempt (in my opinion). I applaud your wonderful, knowing, very REAL power. You must be amazing people in real life. But the fact remains I never apologized to H. G. simply because there was nothing to apologize for. Actually I could have “torn him a new asshole”, had I been interrelating in my old way (there are several fundamental things wrong with his comment). But that is tiresome and boorish. From my perspective this is what happened:

    🙂

    I have been insulting H. G. over the course of the past few weeks. Not actually insulting him, mind you. But stating my opinion about narcs in a pretty glaring and (perhaps to a narc) wounding way. I was actually waiting to see when H. G. would have enough of it. Even though I do stand by all my comments here, except maybe the one where I was drunk and pondered upon an alternate reality where narcs could change (lol! Full disclosure, I am also drunk right now XD (hey, it’s been a long day, don’t judge – pervert that I am, this is how I choose to relax XD), based on my own experiences with (at least but probably more than) two narcs, knowing what I now know about them, I can totally see how H. G. may take some of my comments as narcissistic injuries. Perhaps it is true that I was testing his mettle to some extent. . . There are some people (I am not one of them btw) who believe H. G. is not really a narc, but is some kind of specialized narc expert (their reasoning is that a narc would never have such astute self-awareness, and then, if he did, would never share that with others; I on the other hand just think he is exceptional ;)). In any case, the other day, he cracked and lashed out at me (with a false equivalency fallacy, based on a typical narc misunderstanding). I then proceeded to placate him through gentlemanly tactics, whilst at the same time (note!) making it clear that he was the mistaken party. And it never hurts to stroke a narc when you want him to calm down, because he is already a narc, you can’t make him more narc than he is. And frankly I stand by everything I said – H. G, I do think you are highly intelligent and self-aware, that wasn’t mere flattery (I would never flatter someone). The fact is, this is H. G.s forum. I am a guest. Therefore, even if I have done nothing that warrants his offence, if I do find myself in the position of having caused it, I will offer an explanation and some sort of amelioration. This is what I imagine a “gentleman” at a party would do. So that’s what I did. Also, I wondered just how unstable he is, and didn’t want to get banned. LOL! XD (H. G. – you know I adore you, don’t get mad)

    The truth is, I come here mainly to learn about my experience with my ex-narc. I write so much here because it helps me learn – through positing random ideas or thoughts on the subject. And I indeed do appreciate having this forum for that. Hence, my gentlemanly response to H. G.’s comment. The only question I am left with now is, was this just self-aware crazy making on his part, or did he really take offence at what I had said? I have no idea and he will probably never let me know (for superiority’s sake). In any case, let’s see if he allows this post. BTW, H. G. (and this is true) – I only knock hard against those for whom I have respect; otherwise they wouldn’t be worth the bother. So again – I hope you will be strong enough to take my comment for what it is – an above all honest, mixed bag of praise and critique. That is what I wish an intelligent narc could understand – that critique *is* praise. 😉

    Hope everyone is having a lovely evening. Thank you for reading my evening’s blather. 😉

    responses, complaints, etc. to be filed below. XD

  3. SarcNarc, Not sure to what you refer. Was it my unprovokability? The fact that I am polite? Gracious? Equitble? When I am a guest on someone else’s blog, I do try to be civil.

    It is stated elsewhere here that he wants to, quote, “weaponize empaths” against his own kind. This is a deliberate attempt to help others, regardless of his other motives (i.e., grandiosity). The point is that it is a conscious choice, with helping others as the desired outcome (as opposed to, say, a scientific discovery that ends up helping people). Am I saying he does it out of loving kindness? Hell no, lol. My point was merely that it was a conscious choice.

    I don’t see narcs as Faust, the Devil or anything like that, I don’t see them as being super human or having super powers. They don’t. I see them as people with mental illness that makes them abusive. And yes, I am fascinated by it. I have always been fascinated by the abnormal . . . especially when I am procrastinating, like today. 😉

    1. Demoneater,

      I allowed myself this comment about your comments because I liked the first one you wrote. It felt fresh and to the point.

      The latter two comments felt very apologetic, though. And I know this process – when it turns out that whole books could be written about one sentence.

      When I (jokingly) mentioned Faust I was referring specifically to the quote, “I am part of that power which eternally wills evil and eternally works good.” (And Mefistofele would be a better choice here;).

      So I also don’t think that anybody is the real devil – same as empaths are no angels and can get pretty mean when they’ve had enough.

      Like me this morning. “You are allowed to have your own faulty opinion of me. Last time I checked, it wasn’t going to bring about the end of the world for anybody.”

      “So if my words hurt so much then maybe you could draw some analogies the other way around. Or did you think you lived on a one way street?”

  4. This is a misunderstanding. I have never doubted your success. I am sure you are, perhaps even wildly successful in your field. That would not surprise me at all, considering your obvious intelligence and self awareness. But you see – this was never the question in the first place. You just took it that way. It was actually a compliment.

    But the blame does lie half with me. I wasn’t articulate enough and it could be interpreted as patronizing, now you mention it, though I hope you will come to see that this wasn’t the intent. So thanks for bringing it to my attention. You help me become a better writer and what can I do but thank you for that?

    We probably have different ways of measuring success and achievement. In this instance, I was using the measurement of number of people served, with the added quality of your intent (you may put no value in intent, but I deem it very meaningful). My statement in no way presupposes you have not achieved other, different, outstanding achievements – I think this is where the misunderstanding and percieved slight lies.

    Aside from this blog, have you ever done anything else to help millions of people? And I mean with the intention to help them; not as a result of something else. Most people haven’t, and never will – thus my quite reasonable assumption. Is there anything patronizing in assuming that someone has not done more than one thing to deliberately help millions of people? Of course not. It’s ludicrous, lol.

    I hope this has clarified.

    1. PS: I hope you will now also see the compliment in what I said.

      Everyone who has helped millions of people, raise your hand.

      . . . . Looks like it’s only you, H. G. ! 😉 <3

      1. Looks like your ex-narc trained you quite well…;)

        I salute H.G. for his writing style and this blog but I don’t think, based on what I’ve read here, that helping anybody (besides the author himself in some way) was high on the list of reasons for creating this site.

        H.G. as Faust incarnate;)

        Correct me if I’m wrong though.

      2. Demoneater. Don’t apologize. Don’t back down from a point of view. My experience with narcissists is they pinpoint the one thing they can one up you on and make you appear like a bad person. And then the topic becomes just about them. You’re not a bad person nor should you put so much need in their approval. You are allowed your point of view on what you think is the best things people contribute to our world. You are entitled to your own value system. You don’t need others approval to be a good person.

    2. I acknowledge your clarification, thank you. I have done other things which have assisted millions of people albeit indirectly.

  5. 1. Memory Loss. He would say he didn’t know what I’m talking about.
    Then when I persisted
    2. Gaslighting. Telling with a truth which paints a different story and doesn’t address the issue and most importantly avoids his actions – “oh so and so was doing something…” or confusing and muddling things.
    Then when I persisted again
    3. Shaming me
    Then when I persisted again
    4. Rage in the form of complete disdain. Much meaner than the shame that preceded it.
    I think he must have lied 100 times a day at least. I don’t know why he felt like he was so superior – the superior person doesn’t need people like he needs people. The superior person could succeed in life without deceiving people.

    1. Exactly – their very behaviour and thinking shows everyone just how inferior they are, but they just can’t see it. They think that they are showing people how superior they are. Trump is a perfect example, he is nothing but a pure embarrassment and nobody respects him – because of his very thinking and behaviour which he believes is proving his superiority! lol

      I do respect what H. G. is doing here though, even if he sometimes doesn’t recognize his own fantasy interpretation of the world. This is probably the best thing he will have ever done in his life. For instance, my narc throught he knew me so well. But the reality was that he had only just scratched the surface. He’d often say things about me and I’d think, actually, no, you’re way off about that. Likewise, he’d often think he had way more power over me than he in fact did have, or that he had wounded me when he hardly did. The narc lives in a fantasy world and we don’t truly exist for them, we are like characters in their video game. They often don’t realize just how low others’ estimations of them are.

      The main reason they are so successful in their manipulations is down to traditional emotional abuse tactics – and *not*, as the narcs themselves believe, superhuman capacities of intelligence, etc. Anyone who used traditional emotional abuse tactics, narc or not, intelligent or not, would get the same results due to things like trauma bonding – this is why so many victims stay with their abusers. Look up “abuse” and you can read and learn all about it.

      Narcs have no super powers. Due to the nature of their mental illness (lack of empathy, endless need for fuel “to survive”, etc.), they are merely good at abusing. If you poured a narc out, the ingredients of his illness are such that the only mould he could fall and fit into would be the mould of the abuser. So in a way, even the “triumphs” of his abuse cannot fully be credited to him – he has to abuse; what ever “he” is, that black hole of a soul reduced to a pinprick, is just strapped along for the ride. They think of us like puppets, but they are the real puppets. That’s not to say they shouldn’t be held responsible for their abuse; of course they definitely should.

      1. I find your assumption that this is the best thing I have ever done in my life to be rather patronising. You do not know my other achievements and successes – indeed you have not even scratched the surface, you are way off – sound familiar?

      2. I think we all have our definitions of “best.” The narcissist I was referring to is famous and rich and admired by many, many people and has tons of career achievements that most people will never achieve and if you asked him the best thing he did it would be about those career achievements. His achievements are solely about himself and the idea that something helps people makes so difference to him because he has no empathy.

  6. They are so fucking crazy.

    I remember once, I was trying to get acknowledgement/ resolution from him about his behaviour and he said, “What about you? You screamed at me outside so-and-so’s house.” This was in reference to a meltdown I had after finding him attempting to cheat on me and then him locking me out of his friend’s flat (where he had bolted) so that he wouldn’t have to discuss it – an incident TWO YEARS PREVIOUS to the current argument!

    He brought it up as “evidence” of my “unrasonableness” to distract me from his *actual, current unfair actions*!!!!

    LOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!! XD

  7. I guess this explains why my mid range often would end discussions. Saying things like “I’ve had enough of this, no more of this today, please leave me alone”

    And of course the infamous threatening to block me if I didn’t leave them alone. But he never blocked me.

    And then the next time we talked it was as if a button was reset and nothing happened.

  8. Perfect summary, HG.
    I’ve read a lot on this but your take is one of my favorites and I often get my “A-ha!” moments when reading your posts.

    And I have my sarcastic templates at the ready to most of those. Your kind might not think much of the truth, but I gladly give her a kick in the right direction – which is “in your face” and when the truth of what it arrives, it makes itself very comfortable while leaving the listener unsure of my own attitude towards them at the moment.

    Just?

    1. OMG J, you are so right! When he ran for Pres I called him R-Money. I’d take him in a heartbeat, however, over the Orange Orangutan.

      HG, aren’t you glad not to live in a ‘shithole’ country? God, what an asshole.

  9. Your Fault: Blame and The Narcissist & a song that captures the very essence of narcissism.

    The narcissist’s sense of entitlement, superiority, lack of accountability and the need to maintain an “Eminence Front”* to the outside world are all drivers in rejecting your attempt to apportion blame.

    *Eminence Front, by The Who

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