Crossing the Emotional Sea (Post Disengagement/Escape Battle No. 2)




The first battle that takes places post disengagement or escape is the battle of the Emotional Sea. That is a battle that you are always destined to lose. You will always fight at least one Emotional Sea Battle because you do not know any other way. In all likelihood, you will face several of these battles because you will keep being hoovered back into our grasp until such time as you learn to recognise what you are dealing with and understand what you must do. Eventually and this may take several Emotional Sea Battles before you realise this and are capable of achieving the appropriate response, you either evade the Emotional Sea Battle by escaping as opposed to being discarded, or you prepare yourself for the eventual discard in a manner which means you no longer have to ensure the Emotional Battle. Instead, you move on to the next post disengagement or post escape  battle, that of Head versus Heart (“the HvH Battle”).

The HvH Battle (also known as the Logic v Emotion Battle) is a battleground where you stand some chance of victory. This battleground is one where you have gained understanding. It might be through your repeated exposure to our kind so that eventually something has “clicked” into place or more often than not it is as a consequence of an external agent who has explained matters to you. It might by a therapist, a friend, the content of a book, something you saw on YouTube or even something that I have written. Whatever has caused this understanding to increase, it is this which provides you with the fighting chance to win this HvH Battle.

You have been discarded and run the gamut of emotional fall-out thereafter. You may understand what we are. You may understand some of the things that we have done. You may be familiar with the fact that we will try to hoover you back into our grip. You may even be starting to comprehend that what has happened was all predicated on an illusion. The degree of understanding will vary but what is important for you is that you are allowing logical thought to be heard above the raw heat of your emotions. You once again will not just be battling against us but also yourself. We will be looking to hoover you in order to draw you back into our grip or perhaps we will be unleashing a malign hoover since we are unable to draw you back into our false reality and therefore we opt to keep extracting negative fuel by way of punishment for your treachery. You have us as an opponent, but you will also be fighting yourself as your emerging logic grapples with the still churning emotion. You have learned many things and you know you should apply what you have learned but still there is the emotional pull that you experience. You are not removed or detached from your emotions, they have not dimmed either, they are still there, raging away. The hurt, the love, the longing, the passion, the fear and the upset. An ocean of emotion which you once tried to cross but that was the Emotional Battle and you had barely taken four strokes as you began to swim before you were engulfed by the emotion and sank to the bottom of this sea, drowned by your own emotion. Now you have built a vessel. It is made from cool, hard logic. Critical thinking, once a stranger to you during your savage devaluation, has re-appeared. You can analyse and assess. It is unlikely you are able to do so at the level you once enjoyed before we came along but it is there. Whether this vessel is a tiny raft, a dinghy, a boat or a hulking great liner depends very much on the extent of your understanding. The choppy emotional seas will smash against your vessel of logic. A wave of sorrow will buffet you, a tsunami of longing will threaten to swamp you once again. Wave after wave of emotion will try and capsize your vessel as you try to navigate this emotional ocean. Chances are your life raft will be smashed to match wood and you will be tipped into the sea to drown once again as emotion subsumes you and you find yourself back in our hold. Your clipper may be holed beneath the waterline and you start to take on board more and more emotion as steadily you sink beneath the emotional waves once again. It is during this HvH Battle as you try to cross the emotional ocean, because what you must do is reach the dry land beyond and in effect put an ocean but you and us, you will be subjected to the push and pull of your emotions trying to guide you, to control your decision-making, your head will tell you one thing as your heart screams something else at you. This is probably the harder battle for you to fight. In the Emotional Battle, you do not stand a chance and your defeat is swift and total. During the HvH Battle you will make gains, suffer losses, seem to making a breakthrough and then out of nowhere a tidal wave will flip you from your boat and into the churning ocean and you drown once again. All the while we will be whipping up the waves, firing our torpedoes at you as we endeavour to cause you to sink into this emotional ocean yet again and you fail to cross it and win this battle. How might this HvH Battle manifest in the real world?

  1. You will know you ought not to contact us but you need to send a message to see if we respond.
  2. You will keep checking our social media profiles to ascertain if you are mentioned, if we are with somebody else and/or to find out what we are doing.
  3. You will ask about us to our coterie and lieutenants, often unwittingly doing so, so this is fed back to us.
  4. You will go on dates but find you are always comparing this new person to us and they are always found to be wanting.
  5. You know what the outcome will be but you just want one more night with us.
  6. You realise that we are unlikely to change but if you do not try you will never know, so it is worth one more attempt to talk isn’t it?
  7. You understand much of what we did and said was a lie, but surely it could not all have been an illusion? There must have been times where we really did love you and you need to ask us about this.
  8. You know we are bad for you, but you cannot help what you feel. Surely it would be better to stop this pain from being there all the time and just have it occasionally?
  9. You know you should not reply to our messages but it feels so good to have a conversation with us again. It has been too long.
  10. You know we are using you, but it feels so damn good.
  11. One kiss cannot hurt can it?
  12. You know better now, so going back will be different because you know what to expect. Armed with this new knowledge you can enter the lion’s den again but be better prepared.
  13. You know we are bad for you but you cannot bear the thought of someone else being with us and perhaps being the one to work.
  14. What if this time the apology is sincere and the desire to change is real? If you walked away from that, you would only be denying yourself happiness wouldn’t you?
  15. You understand engaging with us is dangerous but there are things you really need to tell us.

These and others besides are all examples of the inherent tension that arises in this tug-of-war between your cool intellect and your burning emotions.

Can you win this battle that rages post disengagement or post escape? Unlike the first battle, the Emotional SeaBattle which you can never win, you can be victorious. You may have to fight this HvH Battle many times before securing the win. In the beginning you may be clinging to little more than a log as you desperately try to sail the emotional ocean and you are swept from it. However, by reading and understanding, by disciplining yourself to apply logic, to prevent your emotions from engulfing you, by reading more and increasing your knowledge you will begin to increase your logic vessel. From log to raft to dinghy. Still you may be swamped and drowned again. But then it becomes a small boat, a yacht, a clipper, a steamer, a passenger liner, a frigate, a destroyer and a super tanker. Each time you rebuild, better, bigger and stronger as you learn more, making the vessel more seaworthy. You begin to chart routes so you avoid the most tumultuous emotional areas, finally beginning to steer through calmer waters until there it is, on the horizon, the sight of land and the final battle that occurs with our kind post discard.

The HvH Battle is not an easy battle. You will fight it several times, but each time you should be better prepared to cross the emotional ocean and improve your prospects of success. Sometimes you are taken unawares by some of our provocative tactics and dumped unceremoniously into the water once again, but it is a battle you can win through the dedicated application of knowledge and understanding.

6 thoughts on “Crossing the Emotional Sea (Post Disengagement/Escape Battle No. 2)

  1. Nuit Étoilée says:

    Lost on the emotional sea..


    Rather than repress my emotions, or keep them at bay, I am coordinating the conversation – sometimes a debate, between my heart and my head, but they are both part of me, so it shouldn’t be a battle between them.

    Yes, I need to listen to my logic that tells me – the narc is no good for me, so GOSO. But, to do this by “defeating” my emotions, I do not believe is healthy.

    I do not believe it healthy to extricate my emotions.
    I believe healthy means integrating my emotions – acknowledging them, letting them flow – this helps me let go of the emotional hurt – which helps me heal – instead of trying to simply ignore my emotions – of which I am incapable.. and something I think is more like a narc to do…

    My emotions are a part of me. They are MINE – not the narc’s – that’s important – I am entitled to feel – it’s reacting to the narc that I need to learn to control – and in other areas of my life as well.

    Thought-provoking as always.

    1. Reba says:

      I agree. Feel those emotions, use them to heal, but they are yours and are NEVER to be shared with the narc again–he does not deserve them. Now when I have contact (which I must due to child issues) his attempts to gather fuel, or to hoover, are so pitifully obvious, it’s a bit like batting away an annoying mosquito–done automatically, unemotionally. Unless I feel like amusing myself by giving him the dead eye, deadpan look (especially if I am saying something that I know will wound) or give him the cheerful impersonal response you would when getting on the elevator with someone (usually reserved for when he engages in behavior I want to encourage). It actually becomes a bit tedious, but that’s good because you realise that these con artists are just like little children, who are weakened and ultimately defeated by their compulsions. You will always be stronger because you know what love is and have felt it before–not with the narc, of course!–while he must burn up vast but diminishing resources trying to attain something he will never achieve.

      1. Nuit Étoilée says:

        Thank you, Reba, it feels wonderful to be validated & encouraged – I wish to return your kindness – I hope your narc is kind w your kids (as much as possible) and they see the reality of how he is..

        I just cannot be a Vulcan, but I can do a “dead eye, deadpan look” = love that!

  2. prettyphilosophy says:

    Thank you HG. This is so on point. A complete rollercoaster of emotions. One long day at a time. Surely I can’t feel like this for much longer. Hurry up and vacate my mind! I want my thoughts back.

  3. hooverfuel says:

    Thanks for this HG– really resonated, especially given the predicament in which I currently find myself. Although the formal relationship has ended years ago now, and despite knowing who he is and what he’s about for a long time, I’m still fighting these battles. Quick question: is it ever possible to resume the formal relationship? I believe we have throughout the course of our dance, but not recently…and not ever fully as it was initially, for the most part. Indeed, after the longest we’d been apart and I’d last heard from him, I recently succumbed to a hoover and we met up. By the end of the night, he was already devaluing and discarding me and has since informed me that he needs time alone (although he hasn’t yet blocked me as he typically does, and maintains that he won’t). So I’m curious as to whether or not, as I said, it is ever possible to resume the formal relationship. Things felt especially different during our last interaction (perhaps as he had previously replaced with a new primary source for the first time?), and I’m left wondering if truly will never want me as his primary source in the future. I know there are lots of variables, etc. but was hoping that you might be able to provide some insight or perhaps direct me to one of your earlier posts that addresses such. Sincerely grateful for your work and truly appreciate what you’re doing– please keep it up! Always a pleasure! 🙂

  4. Kathleen says:

    HG-I find this article to be so on target. Sadly it triggers my pain a bit but luckily I am somewhere between a “log” and an solid yacht at this point in my recovery.
    I recognize some of the content from your ebook about Exorcism of the Narc. I wonder if you have tips on how to apply the logic effectively!
    Your list of reasonings we survivors go thru as we try to stay 100% No Contact are quite accurate in my mind.
    It’s tough to face these facts and sometimes I wonder if reading these just reinforces or validates and doesn’t help heal. Or if it’s better to admit and deal with them than to hide it.
    It’s these times I wish for another partner for myself – or I wish death upon my ex- like – can’t they just leave this planet and let us be? There i go down the demon rathole too… heh heh.
    Peace to all who are working hard to stay sane!

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