A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 64


the dancer letter

We never danced.

Not at a wedding, nor at a stag and doe.
Not at the bar, nor at a dance club.
Not at a rock concert, nor at a party.
We certainly never took dance lessons.
We never danced.

I used to lament that we had never danced.

We never danced.
Not to the titillating tango. Not to a wandering waltz. Definitely not to the passionate paso doble. While you were accomplished at the horizontal mambo (I’ll give you that); that dance is apparently no great feat for your kind.

We never danced.
We never swayed to a slow, lilting love song. Sadly,we never rocked out to a sternum strumming singalong. And we definitely never danced a jig. We never danced.

Ah, but dance me you did.
You danced me around in circles. You danced me in patterns that I could not see – yet somehow I knew innately – you hardly had to lead. That was your one area of expertise. .you chose your dance partner well. And I responded, for somewhere inside me I already knew this dance by rote. Somehow the steps were stamped into my soul. A dance best done with eyes closed shut.

I used to lament that we never danced – that we never had “a song,” that we never danced cheek to cheek, or with arms tightly clasped around each other – we didn’t even dirty dance…

Yet we did dance…a deadly dance indeed. I never realized that we were dancing the whole time.
And then something changed. In your confidence you danced me too far, too hard, or too long – my steps faltered. You saw, but too late. You tried to back me off the dance floor into a corner so far removed no one could even witness. And then you tried to engage me in the same dance. “Talk to me” you would say, but you meant “dance with me.” And I didn’t acquiesce…I faltered; you called me out but it was too late. My dancing shoes had worn out beyond repair…

What did you expect? That we could buy a new pair of shoes for me? How so? When there was nothing left.

And did you think I’d dance down to threads and bloodied toes?

You walked away. You didn’t care.

And when you returned, you simply expected that I’d just be there waiting on the dance floor, with thread-barren shoes, for you to pick up the dance again? Ha.

I had cast off the shoes and ran away, bare toes exposed, tender feet unprotected but free – you didn’t expect that did you?
You didn’t think I had it in me.

So now, in retrospect,  I celebrate the fact that we never danced; a real dance. A true dance. The one area of my life (the one corner of my heart) that you didn’t manage to infiltrate. To taint.

I hear that narcs can fake a lot of things – but we never danced – because you can’t fake rhythm. And I will relish that thought until the end of my days. And I will relish that thought every time I dance, without you

16 thoughts on “A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 64

  1. Cin says:


  2. NarcAngel says:

    A beautifully written letter. I very much enjoyed reading it.

  3. Jasmine says:

    🌼I love this 💞thank you for sharing! XO

  4. EyesWideOpen says:

    This was incredibly written. Thank you

  5. abrokenwing says:

    and it felt so natural in the beginning to let him lead the dance and follow…

    Beautiful letter .

  6. geyserempath says:

    This is amazing! Yes, we do dance with our Narcs, but not as we would like to. Here’s to moving on and dancing forever!

  7. Ugotit says:

    Wow can I relate this letter is fantastic not only because you talk about the dance that takes place metaphorically with the narc but also because I am literally obsessed with dancing and have judged every relationship I’ve ever been in as far as whether he ever danced with me or not and if so was he a good dancer I’ve searched all my life for my dance partner with no success and no my narc never danced with me ever

  8. narc affair says:

    I absolutely love this letter!! So very true and pointed out in such a creative way! It is a dance between the narcissist and victim. We are both getting something from the other in the most unhealthy way codependant on that need. The cycle is our dance and it can keep going on as long as both partners keep in step.
    Ty for sharing this its a very unique way of describing the dynamic. It really is a dance we both partake in!

  9. analise13 says:

    I am so pleased you are continuing the letter series, HG.

    I am behind in reading and commenting.

    Dancer, such a wonderfully descriptive letter.
    Full of hope.

    The dance with a narcissist was a dizzying and disorienting spin.
    Your dance, with be and effortless glide and float.

  10. SuperXena says:

    Very successful analogy of the relationship with a narcissist as a dance: La Danse Macabre.

    Best parts for me:
    “Ah, but dance me you did.”

    Yes, they do not dance with us but they make us dance for them to the tune of their Die Zauberflöte until we wake up and the magic spell is broken.

    “…..because you can’t fake rhythm. And I will relish that thought until the end of my days.”

    True ,some things they cannot fake.I interpret this ( can’t fake rhythm) as well as they cannot fake i.ex. real love among other feelings.

    Great finale specially the last sentence:

    ” And I will relish that thought every time I dance, without you” .
    It says it all.

    I liked this letter and the analogy presented very much! Great work!

  11. JenniferJ says:

    Beautifully written letter. It’s almost like a poem. The wording, imagery and theme running through it is very clever. Thank you to the writer.

    Narcs do “dance” with us and what still surprises me is that they seem to know exactly what steps are needed under the circumstances to achieve their aims. They have an agenda and keen foresight to steer the dance in the direction they choose. I don’t think empaths have such a clear-cut agenda when it comes to other people. We know the steps unconsciously and while caught up in the dance we generally find that we are following the narc’s lead. Then again, narcs are always on the lookout for fuel, while empaths aren’t.

    It’s a lovely letter and a great analogy. It sounds like the writer loves to dance, and if so, I’m glad the narc didn’t tarnish her love for it.

  12. Blank says:

    I love your letter Dancer!
    And since I read yesterday that nothing slows down aging (body & brain) more than dancing, I would say, Let’s all dance our lives away from now on… 🙂

  13. Paula Sarno says:

    I wanted so much to dance a love song with my ex , like when we were only teen agers , he was my first love and we danced love songs ( that was in 1978 ) . It never happened in our adult relashionship , but I have to agree with the writer of this sad and beutiful letter , it ‘ s the only thing in my life he had not contaminated , polluted . And it is so true he make dance another horreondus dance , dance from Hell I think it was .
    I am so sorry for all our romantic souls , but maybe , someday we will dance with a real not perfect lover

  14. Kathleen says:

    Hrmmm- is that true about narcs? Mine was odd with music/dancing. Like didn’t get that it was ok to just dance for the sake of moving/expression. Like only formalized ballroom type dancing really “counted” -which she didn’t.
    I tried a thing to get us to be closer- early on. I picked a song to slow dance to. And it seemed kinda stiff- whatever but just not quite Deeply romantic a very sweet pretty famous song.
    Then I said hey thst was nice- how about you pick out a song and we’ll dance to it next time we get together.I thought it would be fun to do -pick out a song we like that expressed how we felt about each other. but she never picked one out for me and that idea died. (One of my many attempts to get the narc to express some feelings)

  15. Lisa says:

    BRILLIANT letter!! Stunningly written! I loved it…

  16. Tracy says:

    My ex narc never danced either. hmmmm…

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