A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 66

 

JIMMY LETTER

I don’t know what to say. Because, in all honesty, I don’t know who you are. I have spent the last year educating myself and healing myself from my experience with you. It has been both incredibly painful, yet equally rewarding to heal from abuse. At a certain point, my education into what you are had to cease, and the recovery process needed all of my focus.

I do forgive you. I understand that your disorder drives you to do the things you do, even though they are plotted, premeditated, planned, and executed with your cognizant awareness from right and wrong and your understanding of your betrayals and manipulations, I do understand that you cannot control it. Therefore I cannot judge the afflicted, just as we cannot blame the crippled for being unable to walk.
I forgive myself as well. Although anything a victim has to do in order to survive abuse is forgivable, I do have a responsibility in enabling your abuse. There were moments very early on where I knew you weren’t being true to me and I, as a classic/textbook codependent, stayed in the hopes that you would change. It was only until very recently that I accepted your disorder as maladaptive. I absolutely did everything I could to change it, and for that ignorance, I am guilty.
The releasing of my resentment towards you is where I am at in my healing process, and forgiveness is necessary in order for me to move on. I have been holding onto the resentments that come after being so betrayed and for so very long – since Day One, actually. And this too was designed by you. To leave someone so utterly devastated and continue to abuse is a common manifestation in the discard phase of your disorder. Learning more of your betrayals after your departure was simply adding insult to deep injuries. So, obviously, healing from such abuse, both during and after, is a huge mountain to climb.
I also know these words mean nothing to you. My forgiveness, my compassion…in terms of your receiving these sentiments, is irrelevant to you. I understand that you have deleted me from your life. These words aren’t really for you. They are for me. You have my forgiveness. I can never forget, nor will I ever. I will certainly stay as far away as I can from you, no matter where I am, but I will forever remain vigilant with very strict boundaries and a zero-tolerance policy for your abuse, or your abuse by proxy – the people in your life.
The recovery from abuse exposed myself to some very real issues of codependency I am working through. So thank you. In a twisted sort of way, recovering from your abuse made me a better person than I ever was…and certainly no one you, or anyone in your world, has the fortitude to have the pleasure and honor of being in my life. So please do not try. We have a history of making threats to each other, so I am breaking that cycle and appealing to your common senses. We have nothing to say to each other. You (who you are) never truly existed in my world and so, you cannot exist in it now. Please do not attempt to further contact me. What we had was a charade. It was a mind-fuck of epic proportions to un-fuck, and the effort in doing so was equally epic. We never had anything before – we will have nothing now or in the future.
I never had you, so there is no loss. You truly had me, I was devotedly yours.  And that’s what you lost.
I understand your torment much more and I truly hope you find peace.
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40 thoughts on “A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 66”

  1. I have read so much about a narcissist, and this hits deep. I am currently going through an unimaginable situation since I have left my ex of 13 yrs, just divorced in Jan, and has turned my child of 13 yrs old against me. I will not go into depth, but I am dying inside without my child. I will never ever quit fighting. I am happier, but until I have my child back in my life more I will not be the happiest that I know is out there waiting for me and my child. God bless!

  2. This is the most relevant and profound expression of the effects a Narcissistic mate has on you that I’ve ever come across. I could parrot your eloquent letter to my abuser word for word. You are a brilliant and wonderfully expressive writer, and I wish you all the best in continuing your healing process.

    Thank you for your words,
    Kathleen

  3. Thank you Jimmy. Your letter articulated what has been inside me since my struggle to break away from a narc. He left such an impact on me. It was not by chance that I stumbled on information in the internet. The description fit him to a T. I count it divine revelation. We were together for almost 9mths when enough was enough. I was taunted and had various projections piled on me. With the final straw, I took on no contact for 90days. During this time, I worked on forgiveness for him and for myself. We met again in church. I decided to let bygones be bygones. We got in touch again but things are not working out again. The behaviour is really maladaptive. I feel sorry for him.

  4. I am going through a divorce with a narc. 13 years together and I have 2 kids with her 9 and 7 , and they are the reason we made it past 5 years and because I am a fixer we made it to 13. I never knew what her problem was until 4 months ago after someone said to have a look into narcs. Discussed it with her witch didn’t go well. Got an online test and her results was 97%. She insisted I do the test. I got 24% . She took the phone and did the test for me and got me 99%.

    And it just got worse from there. She left 3 weeks ago with an protection order and the kids and I see them 6 hours a week with supervision.
    My wounds are still very fresh not to even talk about the confusion. I’ve been learning and reading on this subject and wow have I been stupid not to know what she was doing. I enjoy reading letters like yours because it gives me hope that I can get through this alone. The worst was when I almost got arrested again 2 weeks ago for just sending her a happy birthday message.

    1. Riann

      Welcome
      You were not stupid-you were unaware, and now that you are here that will no longer be the case. When you feel up to it please join in the discussions. Sharing often lightens the load.

  5. Reading this letter felt as though it was written by my very own hand.
    Thank you for writing what I am not yet able to.

    I wish you well in your recovery.

  6. Your letter just now brought me a sense of peace Jimmy.

    Like you, I feel wiser for the experience. But their lessons come at a hefty price. No one should have to endure that type of abuse, and I am so sorry that you were also exposed.

    However, I find your efforts to heal your heart to be inspiring. To approach the kind of pain that a narcissist brings with such understanding, with the intention to forgive… that is where I want to be.

    I’m not there yet. Often, I’m not even close.

    But your letter makes me want to try harder.

    Your conviction… your stance… it gives me strength. Knowing of your journey gives me hope. Thank you.

  7. I love this letter as well, my favorite. After going through a wild ride this Christmas- and lots of learning– I feel sorry for my narc. Sadly, he has a place in my heart still, and I have talked with him and seen him– but I “feel” like I understand him better and this is not about me–it is about him and he will continue to do what he does until he dies. My heart goes out to him knowing he will never truly love, care or be happy– that is indeed sad and he does have– my empathy.

  8. Hit the nail on the head. Very much looking forward to hearing HG’s perspectives on how the narc in question would respond to receiving this. I’m guessing the narc in question is a greater?

  9. I like your letter, Jimmy. Very healthy approach.

    “…It was only until very recently that I accepted your disorder as maladaptive…”

    This.

    We all have to adapt to our society’s life to live more or less normally and we all have to pay our price for that. Our life is a constant conflict between our archetypal “settings” and society’s rules. We are the “in-between” product of what we really want and what they want from us.

    We all have to navigate among a lot of contradictions in this life.

    For example, they say that humans are free and they can choose how to live their own lives freely, but, at the same time, we have a lot of restrictive rules.

    Or, they intentionally overstimulate our “biological needs” (for sex, food, comfort, safety, etc.), using ads, movies, songs, books, etc., but, at the same time, we have a lot of restrictions to get them.

    Or, they say we have to succeed and not to be a lowlife losers, but how could we do it without hurting others? Your gain is always someone’s loss. It is a rule.

    Etc, etc, etc…

    All of those contradictions generate various internal conflicts and neuroses (anxiety, depression, insomnias, insecurities, paranoias, etc.). It isn’t easy to cope with them even for Normals, not saying about cluster B spectrum people.

    When Narcs, having a lot of primary internal problems (unresolved childhood traumas, various “issues”), face those societal contradictions, they merely can’t cope with them and choose (consciously or unconsciously) the easiest way to live – to be antisocial.

    The antisocial behavior is a sign of the psychological strength and psychological stability deficiency and the self-aware Narcs know about it very well, but they never ever admit it. Moreover, they do everything to hide this truth from other people and the best way to do it is…an abuse. Eat or be eaten.

    1. I always like your comments, Noname, and I find them very thought-provoking and wise. I agree with you that we live in a society where we need to adapt our natural inclinations and are required to navigate the social landscape in order to survive.

      Lately, I have been thinking about how complete and utter “no contact” with narcissists is virtually impossible in our human world. They are everywhere and often in positions of control and power.

      When you say in your comment “they intentionally overstimulate our biological needs…” or “they say we have to succeed and not be lowlife losers…”, I asked myself, “Who is “they”? and I think that “they” is ultimately the heads of corporations, governments, academia, etc etc

      These heads or leaders are either narcs themselves or they have strong narcissistic tendencies, and everyone else is forced to comply because “they” have too much power and influence and it’s extremely difficult to resist or push back.

      Ever since I was a child, I have often asked myself why having “emotions” or being “emotional” is considered weak or the sign of being a “loser”. Emotions are what everything else is based on and emotions drive us, and in turn, drive our society. As HG has said, even narcs have emotions, but theirs are limited to jealousy, anger, selfishness, contempt, and although HG probably won’t admit it, I think fear as well. So, if narcs are in positions of power and control, our society is driven by contempt, fear, jealousy, greed and anger. Empaths also influence our society, but their “power” is understated, sidelined and restricted, because it’s the narcs who are forever paranoid about losing power and control.

      We could go on forever and I’ll stop there. It’s just that thinking about these perspectives and what drives humans is very interesting and your comment has “inspired” me to voice my own thoughts.

      1. Thank you for your kind words, Jennifer.

        “…Lately, I have been thinking about how complete and utter “no contact” with narcissists is virtually impossible in our human world. They are everywhere and often in positions of control and power…”

        I don’t avoid contacts with my Narcs at all. No need. I’m not about fuel in general, plus I refuse to be a participant in their manipulative “schemes”, so they don’t consider me as their “meal”. I’m useless to them.

        “…These heads or leaders are either narcs themselves or they have strong narcissistic tendencies, and everyone else is forced to comply because “they” have too much power and influence and it’s extremely difficult to resist or push back…”

        As my dear husband once said “If this world didn’t have Narcs, we would live 6 centuries behind now. But. The quality of life would be…better. Narcs are about quantity, not quality. The quality requires deep attachment and the long-run strategy. But Narcs are all about the superficial interaction and immediate gratification”. So, here we go.

      2. Noname,
        Very good. I agree with your husband’s statement. I suppose it all comes down to: do we want to live that way, or do we not?
        Once you can identify them, that is. I’m not quite there yet

  10. Jimmy I hope to be where you are at someday. But not yet–I need my disgust, my contempt, my impatience and irritation at my narc’s overarching weakness which he must always strive to hide and defend at the expense of all who are contact with him, to keep me strong and focused on completing the process of excising my narc from my life while protecting my children–the fierceness of a mama bear. The process of forgiving myself has begun but for my narc, well, he is beyond redemption.

  11. Jimmy, your letter is understatedly powerful, quietly forceful, a true place of forgiveness and where I long to be. You’ve reached so far and you’ve collected all the wisdom and the painful knowledge that you need to turn your light away from the narcissist and to focus it on yourself. I consider that to be an amazing manifesto to the beauty of being human; the ability to make past experiences into an inner journey, the willingness to change into an even better and more fulfilling version of yourself, the need to forgive and let go of pain to move on with more brilliance and awareness. Great job Jimmy!

  12. I, too, have been holding on to the resentments that come after being so betrayed since day 1. Unfortunately, I am codependent, too. Until I found HG’s website, I did not know that an addict who stops drinking does not change if they are also a narc. Keep those boundaries strong!

  13. I really enjoyed reading this letter. It’s eloquently written and the forgiveness and understanding shown is somehow calming and peaceful. Still waters run deep, as the saying goes. There’s a stillness in this letter that suggest a lot of depth too.

    Well done Jimmy, for your strength and determination in overcoming the abuse, moving forward from it, and learning more about yourself. Such abuse has a powerful and dramatic effect on our hearts and minds, and the recovery process leads to an equally powerful effect on us too. Thank you for your thoughtful and compassionate letter.

  14. So heartbreakingly well written, it made me cry. This is me too and the life I lived for 25 years. I’m a year away from him and I’m better for it. Bless you and your healing process.

  15. HG are you still planning to write your comments for the letters? I hope so because I am eager to learn.

      1. Ahhh, I forgot that you were going to comment. I cannot wait! Estimated time of arrival for the comments, HG? I’m betting it will be when you are good and ready 🙂

  16. Hi jimmy…you are in such a healthy place of healing and see where you were vulnerable in terms of codependancy. Your letter is an inspiration of someone who not only survived and went no contact but you were able to forgive and see the bigger picture of learning from your situation. Instead of staying stuck in the pain you took was was meant to be taken from it making it a valuable part of your life. That is the whole meaning of why.
    I feel narcissists can control what they do just as much as we can in going no contact and deciding to heal from our past. Its about getting the help we need and taking the steps. You chose to improve your life and be in a much healthier place. Many congrats on your new found peace and happiness!

  17. Very moving letter. And yes, I agree forgiveness is for our own sake and that the entanglement with a narcissist can lead to us becoming better and stronger people in that the pain and devastation that results from it can give rise to a greater self-awareness of codependency issues, a greater understanding of the importance of boundaries, self-respect etc and of being vigilant to never accept the unacceptable.

    Right before reading this letter, I was thinking that I put my career on hold for too long as a result of being entangled with this person as he became the center of my life and I was not in the right frame of mind to make any significant career decisions or invest the time necessary in the education, planning, reflection etc required to make a career change. I was thinking that I needed to forgive myself for doing that to me.

  18. Wow! I share your sentiments. Quite empowering. When we let them go and admit tbey never existed, we reclaim the power.

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