Five Howling Wildernesses


Five reasons it cannot work

1. Nothing about the golden period is real

It feels like every day is summer doesn’t it? Warm and wonderful. No rain clouds anywhere, just a cornflower blue sky. Not a cloud to be had. Everything is fantastic. We do everything together. We match on every conceivable level. I like what you like. We laugh at the same things. We enjoy the same books and films. I know what you are about to say. We like to cook together, try new wines and explore interesting places. Whether it is forest or foam, city or village we both enjoy going to these places and do so together. We are soulmates. I do not want anyone but you. You have finally met the person that you have wanted all of your life. You still cannot believe how lucky you are to have found someone like me, someone who cares for you, holds you, loves you and showers you with attention, praise and affection. What would you do without me? You struggle to even remember what life was like before I appeared, shiny and exciting. You never want it to end and you allow this golden effect to permeate deep inside you, touching every part of you. Every fibre of your being is coated with my golden touch. None of it is real. You have spent all your time looking at a mirror whilst wrapped in an illusion. I was never any of those things. I just showed you wanted you wanted to see, said what you wanted to hear and did what you wanted to experience. I am a con-man, a charlatan and a fraudster who trades in fake love and steals your true love. I am not what you think I am, I never was and I never will be.

2. Nothing is ever good enough

How soon the golden and glistening empire rots and rusts, those gleaming towers of glass and chrome shatter and crumble. What once seemed like it would stand for a thousand millennia has come crashing down. You scurry left and right, attending and caring, working yourself into a frenzied confusion as you try to hold it together. You cannot accept that this is happening and you try your utmost to stop the cascading stone and the splintering timber but it is an impossible task. You can no more prevent this edifice from tumbling to the ground than you can hold back the tide. The manifestation of this crumbling empire and your frantic efforts to rebuild it comes in how you try and try to please me. You give more of yourself each day in your desire to salvage what you understand, wrongly, to be us. You steadily erode your integrity in a bid to please me, make me happy and do whatever it takes to make things good once again. Each time you think you have got there, the bar is raised higher and then higher still. You keep giving and I keep taking. What worked last week is now scorned. What made me tell you that I loved you a month ago annoys me instead. I no longer want to be with you or be touched by you. No matter how hard you work, cook, clean, tidy and care. No matter how much effort you put into maintaining your figure, dressing attractively and taking an interest in my day, you are only ever met with scowls, scorn and abuse. You do not give up, not yet, but you fail to realise that this is a hole which can never be filled.

3. Nothing stops the games being played

The tears in your eyes will not abate the cruelty. The soft glistening tears which roll down your cheeks only appear as blood to the cruising shark. A green light to continue with the denigration and vicious nastiness in order to provoke more emotion from you. Today is a day of silence. The shoulder cold and brutal as you try to fathom out what is wrong and what you have done. Tomorrow is all smiles again although you are none the wiser as to what has happened to change that but by sundown you will be traipsing to a cold and empty bed as I vanish once again. I sit in my chair seemingly staring into nothingness but I am mentally flicking through my Devil’s Toolkit as I consider my next move. I arrange the pieces, you, my friends, my family, your friends, the neighbours and the man in the sandwich shop. All of you pawns on my giant chessboard as I decide where you should go. You try to learn the rules, to stay onside and avoid transgression but these games are played with just one rule. There are no rules. I revel in my gamesmanship as each day I deploy a new machination against you. These games will tear you apart and you can never hope to win at them.

4. Nothing surpasses fuel

Everything revolves around obtaining fuel, from you, form him and from her. It is a ceaseless quest for my lifeblood which ensures that I am always on the hunt. Restless until I find sufficient fuel and then planning the next move, this need comes above all else. Events are disrupted, dates are delayed, birthdays are ruined and anniversaries forgotten all in order to acquire my fuel. Your needs are placed way below mine, for fuel is everything. I have no responsibilities save the acquisition of fuel so children, jobs, money, health and harmony are all left at the wayside, neglected and abandoned to enable me to pursue the only thing that truly matters to me. I will do anything, say anything and be anything to obtain this fuel. Fuel makes me hurt you, fuel makes me seduce your best friend, fuel makes me fire the nice guy in the office, fuel makes me take centre stage at get togethers. Fuel is all.

5. Nothing will ever change.

There are those of my kind who know not what they are and any such attempts to pin them with the blame of awareness will be resisted with the speed and instinct of pulling your hand away from a flame. They do not know what they are but they know that you are the enemy, seeking to foist change when it is not needed, a part of your attempt to control them and punish them when they have done nothing wrong. Change is not needed and will never happen with them. Those of us who know what we do see no reason to change. We are conquerors, pioneers, leaders and ubermensch. We are supreme beings and we are always right. You make the changes to yourself and fit in with my new world order. I am mightier than you. This all works for me so why should I change? I am not required to change, I am the decider, I am not the one who is decided upon. I rule. I am not ruled. This is how it is and it shall always be the case. Deal with it. I will not change and I cannot change. I know what I am but I choose this, who would not do so when you are as triumphant and brilliant as I am? Nothing will ever change.

Besides, I am terrified of change.

24 thoughts on “Five Howling Wildernesses

  1. geyserempath says:

    This is one I am saving to read over and over. No, it cannot ever work. “Nothing surpasses fuel.” Great epitaph for his headstone, actually.

  2. Hurt&Confused says:

    Are you still in therapy? And if you were/are in therapy, have you ever discussed, what seems to be, the obsessive compulsive aspects of your disorder?
    You feel that if you did not obtain fuel you would somehow cease to exist, is that correct? But that is not true.. You would most likely experience high levels of anxiety and depression. But those symptoms can be controlled once you change your thinking patterns, and in turn, you behaviour. You engage in certain behaviours (almost ritually) to obtain fuel, and if you stopped acting the way you do, the consequences would be catastrophic, right?
    I say this as someone who has experienced anxiety and some ocd symptoms. I once thought i needed to check everything i did (i sometimes still do) to avoid certain catastrophic outcomes. Or what i perceived to be catastrophic for me.
    And if you don’t mind me asking, what form of therapy have you undertaken?

  3. HG Tudor's #1 fan says:

    The truth hurts. I hate him so much.

  4. Jackie says:

    Hg – A guy I have dated a few times was got in an argument with one of his friends about politics and while he was walking back to the kitchen he said “I don’t get why everyone doesn’t just believe what I believe.” It was almost as if he saying it to himself not to me. Is this a red flag? I thought he was kidding but now that I know about narcs I am seriously concerned.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It is not determinative in itself, one would need to consider this comment alongside other comments and behaviours over a period of time.

  5. realitysetsinnn says:

    Again….it’s just not fair! 😔

  6. Agnes says:

    Yes narcs, you are monsters 🙂 Maybe it depends on a person but for me complete no contact from the day 1 wouldnt be the best idea. To move on I need to fall out of love. To do this I need to see, feel, understand that this person is evil. And to do this I have to see all the games this person plays to distance myself emotionally. For example my narc tries to hoover me by playing our love songs. And when he sees no reaction he starts to play some hateful songs “its over, I dont want you”. When this doesnt work he starts to listen to songs about his ex. Still no reaction from me, he plays our love songs again. Believe me, when you see this childish, desperate behavior it suddenly stops to hurt you. Once grand seducer, now little angry boy who doesnt know how to get you. And after this whem you laugh at him in your mind its really easier to ignore him when he contacts you. Cause you no longer see him as inteligent sexy person. You despise him, you see him as small pathetic annoying kid.

  7. raine turner says:

    Afraid of change? Really? He changes his mansions and his women often enough. He changes himself—- goes from wine lover and fun lover- to finding a Mormon girl- and now says he does not drink- “I am a changed man due to her”—- then orders a bottle of wine with me at dinner. No, he doesn’t change- he just changes the mask he wears as it suits him.

    1. SuperXena says:

      Hello raine turner,

      I understand what you mean. I think the examples you gave are just examples / variations of the way they operate.

      I think that ” I am terrified of change” refers to be afraid to change the way they operate.
      They are afraid of changing their doings ( as the ones you mentioned and other manipulations: gas-lighting,lying ,triangulation,intimidation etc.) And I think this applies to the ones that are aware of it, because some are not even aware of it.

      So, there is a difference between the variations in behaviours /manipulations you see as a part of the way they operate and a change in the “core” of the way they operate.
      I hope it makes sense what I wrote!
      Best wishes

      1. SuperXena says:

        ( Just as a parenthesis : I wish we could all communicate in
        Esperanto that would be easier having a common international language but then again, it doesn’t matter which language we communicate with, the narcissist’s language is soooo different from all others .)

        1. HG Tudor says:


          1. SuperXena says:

            Ha,ha, of course you can that as well!
            Saluton HG….

          2. SuperXena says:

            By the way: I will not give up on trying to find a “neutral” language so: next audio in Esperanto?

        2. Jasmine says:

          Good thing we have a Tudor.

      2. raine turner says:

        Yes, I guess I am stuck in my mind— and not thinking of the narc— bad girl I am! Thank you!

        1. SuperXena says:

          Raine turner…I do not really follow you..what do you mean?

  8. SuperXena says:

    Is the narcissist afraid of change because he/she is afraid of losing control?

    That would mean that the narcisisit is then afraid of the unknown? Afraid of not knowing what is coming if he/she loses control?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It will depend on the nature of the change and the school of narcissist.

      1. SuperXena says:

        Thank you for you answer. As I understand it, that would mean that the Lesser, the Mid and the Greater would tackle changes differently.
        I know it is a very broad question since you state that that depends as well on the nature of the change but could you say that the upper schools are less susceptible to perceive changes as threatening ( to their control) ?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          There are two sides to this. We are chameleons and change repeatedly. Since this is our choice and pursuant to our control, this does not present an issue. The extent and frequency of the changes will vary dependent on school.

          Where there is enforced change placed upon us, this threatens our need for control and therefore is resisted – the extent of the response and how it is dealt with will vary dependent on the nature of the change and the school of the narcissist. Upper echelon narcissists will handle such enforced change more effectively.

          1. SuperXena says:

            …so the first type of change is a “voluntary ” change( the lesser perhaps not even aware of theses changes) needed to blend in with the surroundings to achieve a certain aim
            but the second type if it is forced is threatening…in this case and
            if you feel like expanding: in which way is the upper echelon narcissist more effective? Less abusive or?
            Could you give an example of how the upper echelon narcissist is more effective in handling a “forced “change v.s. a narcissist of an inferior echelon?

  9. Jasmine says:

    I love this! ❤ saving!

  10. Catherine says:

    Who isn’t terrified of change?
    Still this article is a masterpiece HG. It says everything an empath needs to know to stay far away from the likes of you. I find it poetic and cruel.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you.

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