Can you hear me knocking? Open the door and let me in? I know you want to. It is only me. You know me. You know me better than anybody else. Come on, I know you are thinking about me. That is what happens. I am on your mind and in your thoughts. I am whirling around in that messed-up mind of yours. It is messed up. I didn’t do it. I didn’t do anything wrong. I never do. It was a real state before I even appeared. I just took advantage. But look, that is in the past and we don’t need to talk about the past (expect I suppose when it suits me). I know you want to hear my voice again don’t you? You miss hearing me. You miss those long conversations on the telephone that we used to have, two hours or more where there was never a lull. I know you remember them. I know you keep looking at your ‘phone hoping that it will ring and that it will be me. I know you feel a phantom buzz when you have stashed your phone on your person and you keep pulling it from your pocket and checking. You tell your friends that your mother needs to speak to you, just so they won’t groan or roll their eyes at you for wanting it to be me. I know you are itching to call me. Go on, why don’t you? You can speak to me again and it will be just like before, all of the wonderful stuff. I will reinstate it in an instant because look, I have had a lot on, I have been tired, I have been worried and so on and so forth blah blah blah. I will trot anything out because once you see me smiling at you, you won’t be listening any more.

No, you will be thinking back to that kiss as we stood in that park with the sound of the breeze through the autumnal trees. That first kiss after the days of flirting through text and call. That magical, marvellous, mesmeric kiss. The first of a million. One in a million. I know you close your eyes and stand in that park and allow yourself to be taken back to that time a year ago. That day when we both drove there and met beneath the towering trees, the September sunshine still warm and I stood there, my magnetic smile on display as you half-ran towards me and I took you in my arms and then we kissed. Imagine doing that again? Oh you have of course. A thousand times.

Send me a text. You may as well. I will answer you and I will put a kiss on the end, just to tempt you. I know your heart will surge when you see that and all thoughts of staying away from me will begin to evaporate on seeing that. Text me. Just one text. It is easy enough. I know you haven’t deleted my number despite the promises you have made to do so. You just could not bring yourself to do it.

Call me. Ring me up and tell me what a bastard I am. Go on. Unleash that anger. Let it out. How many times have you sobbed to your friends about what I did to you? What a cruel and heartless bastard I am. I do not deserve you do I? No, but I deserve being told what I have done to you. You need to get it off your chest don’t you? You should. Go on, just press that button and I will answer you and you can let rip at me. Hey, even better, why not suggest we meet up and then you can have that show down that you have always envisaged. I know you have thought through all the things you have wanted to say to me but feel that I prevented you from saying when I just disappeared and then ignored your frantic attempts to get in touch with me. Tell me how broken I left you. Tell me how your friends hate me too. Tell me how your brother is going to batter me. Go on, I know that anger is still raging through you and you need to let it out. Surely after everything you have put up with you are entitled to one last hurrah?

Make that call late at night. I know you are lying in the dark thinking about me, hands entwined around the shirt I left which still smells of my scent. You know you ought to throw it away or burn it but you just cannot do it can you? You still want that connection. You still want to be able to inhale my fragrance and somehow relish the agonised joy as your mind is flooded with my memory. It is a lonely place now that bed isn’t it? Why not send me a text and we can exchange some saucy messages? Rekindle that fire again. It will make you feel better. I might even be tempted to come and see you and take you in your bed once again and let you experience the magic that I possess. The sex was brilliant wasn’t it? I know you cannot lie about that. I have heard what you have said to people about how you hate me but the sex was off the charts. Let’s do it again. Why not? It will make you feel so much better. Just text me, ring me, message me. You just have to reach out because I know you are dying to.

You may as well flick through those pictures again and smile with regret and longing as they evoke all those momentous times from when we were happy together. So many pictures, so many smiles. Have a look at my Facebook profile again. I did not block you. I would not do that. I want you to see how I am doing. Those messages are for you by the way. I am sure that the cryptic comments that I have posted with those pictures will have been picked up on by you and considered and reflected on. Those were for you. I wanted you to know how much I am missing you and you need your daily fix of stalking my social media. Yes, there was somebody else and I know you will have seen and been distraught to know that she was now receiving my love, my perfect love. How that must have burned inside of you as you realised that somebody else was now the recipient. I knew you would but don’t worry, she isn’t a patch on you so why don’t you come and see me and we can start it all again. I know you want to.

Come and see me. Help me. You are the only one who truly knows me. You know more about me than anybody else. The others, huh, they meant nothing to me. They were aberrations but you, you are the real deal. I love you still. I always have. Just come and see me and I will prove it to you. I will make the changes you want me to do and I know you believe in me. You see the good in me don’t you, you are the one who can let it out and help me. Please help me. I just need to be fixed and you are the one with the tools to do it. There is only you. Please don’t let me down. I need you. I will change. I will be better. I promise. Just come and see me and give me the chance to show you. That is only fair isn’t it? You are a fair person, I know you are, that is why I love you so much.

Come on, just get in touch with me and all this pain can go away. There is no need for it. You just need to press those buttons, dial that number or best of all just turn up. Imagine how romantic it will be. You turning up unexpectedly (but not really) in the rain and I sweep you into my arms again and everything will be good and golden and great once again. Do it. Do it. Give me the dressing down. Come to bed with me. Kiss me again. Tell me how you feel. Offer me forgiveness. Let me know what has happened to you. Tell me. Tell me. Tell me. Do it. Do it. Get in touch. Reach out. Stop the pain. End the hurt. Bring back the joy. Resurrect us. Ignite the passion. Let love reign. Do it. You can do it. I believe in you. End this agony. Let it go. Berate me. Love me. Chastise me. Fuck me. Hate me. Contact me. Contact me. Contact me.

I can hear my ‘phone ringing.

21 thoughts on “Irresistible

  1. Somewhere over the rainbow says:

    “Tell me what a bastard I am”. Isn’t NC enough to tell that to a narc?
    “You need to get it off your chest”= all that you tell me know will surely be used against you at some point.
    But “it was all in your head” (a month of “messages bombing” at any hour, I told him “just friends, I don’t need complications as I’m married”, followed by “no, I want to be your man, not your friend”) was the truest thing a narc told me. At some point I throw it back at him: “after all, nothing was reality, it was only in my head, so there’s nothing to regret”. I have the “bad habit” of keeping narc’s nonsense in my mind (some compartment in there) and use it when the “opportunity” arises and I need to stop manipulations. Those were his words and I never received sincere “apologises” for them, only then I would have erased them.

  2. echo says:

    After this last time, I went NC just on some random day. Not after a big fight, just realizing the cycle was repeating and trying to get out before I got in too deep again. It felt liberating for a day, but then was absolutely awful. I can’t stand the thought of putting someone else through the same silent treatment abandonment hell. How can you guys get this “thought fuel”? It’s internal torture. Even if logic is telling me he doesn’t give a crap at all I’m still beating myself up for what would be completely douchey behavior. I want to apologize, try to make a reasonable parting statement or something that explains myself.

    But deep down I know that’s at least partially just an excuse. Because I’m lonely and miss him. So I’m trying to resist temptation and reject all the reasons listed above. I need a sponsor for this No Contact stuff. Someone tell me I’m not allowed to reach out again?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      1. Well done on recognising it is an excuse to make contact, you are listening to your logic and that is a sign of progress.
      2. You need to reject thinking about him – there are many ways to do this and continue to build your logic defences – I can explain this to you through consultation if you wish.
      3. I am telling you that you are not allowed to ‘reach out’ – HG forbids it and you don’t want to disobey me do you?

      1. abrokenwing says:

        I like when you are so strict.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Someone has to put some stick around ABW and keep order!

      2. echo says:

        No Sir. Thank you HG for replying and instructing. I’m glad to know some of all that is progress, that is encouraging.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          You are welcome.

        2. Jasmine says:

          One day at a time, echo ❤

      3. Somewhere over the rainbow says:

        HG Tudor, you are “an army of one” in the literary sense of those word, too!

        1. HG Tudor says:


      4. Kerry says:

        Haha… please be my sponsor aswell 🤣 though 13 months later I’ve spoke to him less than a handful of times (we have a young son together ) so complete NC is impossible! My logic thinking is finally winning over emotional, though it’s very hard! Especially when the nice mask is on, but I finally know who he is deep down & I’ll never go back! Hell I don’t even want to be friends as I don’t trust him one bit 😢 it’s sad but it’s how it has to be so I can finally be free & happy again

        1. HG Tudor says:

          If you are here reading and applying my work, HG is your sponsor.

    2. Catherine says:

      I can tell you too not to reach out to him echo, but HG’s ban will be more effective and forceful I guess. Please don’t though. From an empaths point of view I know how awful you feel treating someone that way; even though they’ve treated you like that and even worse. Any apology or reasonable parting statement would be fuel to him; he won’t give you any closure, so don’t give him what you won’t be getting back. Mostly because you’ll be drawn in again and the emotional part of you will succumb to him. It will get easier, it takes some time and the steps forward are small in the beginning; soon they will be strides though. Good luck to you!

      1. echo says:

        Thank you Catherine. I think you’re totally right. It would be fuel and wouldn’t give me any kind of closure. And it does feel awful even though he has done worse. I just keep thinking well what if I’m wrong, and I actually was just really mean to a nice guy. Or if he is a jerk does that really even matter? Just up and ghosting, I mean, it’s not like he was actively fighting with me or hurting me. But if it were anyone else with these exact circumstances, I’d tell them they absolutely have a right to walk whenever they choose. And they don’t owe him or anyone else an explanation.

        I guess maybe I do need that consultation.

      2. Jasmine says:

        ::: piggybacking on Catherine ::

        They always get worse. I’m sure you’ve heard that before. Heed the warning. Be strong 🌼

  3. Kathleen says:

    Who holds the power when there’s an Hoover? My (female) narc discarded me /i semi escaped- 4 months ago. Narc has a new supply -I’m assuming the golden period is in progress. (I’m no contact but I think i would eventually hear if it fell apart.
    What if I contacted narc and just said “ how about every third Wednesday 6 PM my house.”
    With the intent of using them for sex only. Do you guess the narcissist would ignore it Or go for it. I kind of feel like I would have the control 100%. Because I have no intention of any relationship at all- but strictly to use them for sexual gratification and then send them away. I now see her as basically a sex machine. Nothing else to it. Plus don’t narcs LOVE getting away with lying and cheating?
    I’d like to get one last roll in the hay so she recalls how exciting it can be.
    PS- How does the narc go in for someone considerably less attractive physically?? Like is the fuel that overpowering? Can y’all just close your eyes/plug your nose and do what you have to do? Or are you somatics all just? Sex addicts?

  4. geyserempath says:

    I want to get to the point of not caring. Can a leopard change its spots? Something has happened with the new IPSS although he sees her everyday at work (they work in close proximity and they have lunch together)…he took me off the shelf last week. The tone of his email changed (still no pet names) and came over to do some maintenance items around the house. He acted “normal”…which scares me a little. He is talking to his mom about me again (as she emailed me to tell me). She invited me to come over for dinner and after she had gone to bed, he started kissing me and fooling around and took me to the bedroom. It has been 4 months since he wanted me physically. Why would he now show interest? He seems different. He tells me about his coworkers in the most glowing terms. He seems to be getting closer to them as friends. He actually commented with a heart emoji on a mutual friends new baby. HG: can a narcissist suddenly go normal?

  5. seaShell says:

    I’ve known what you are for the last 13 months and haven’t spoken to you (as if I knew nothing) since last April, but still you keeping ringing. The phone just rang twice before I read this but I have no urge to answer. It must be frustrating the hell out of you! At least I hope so. I always keep my promises and I made one to myself, last April, that I would NEVER contact you again.

    So if you can hear your phone ringing you can be sure it is NOT me.

  6. Jasmine says:


  7. jenny says:

    That is brilliant, just how i have felt….but the shirts in the bin

  8. Scout says:

    Why would I want to listen to my narc prattle on about himself and his so-called amazing family when I know every word is based on insincerity and his boring, selfish need to hug the spotlight? No thanks. I’d rather walk over hot coals.

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