Ever Presence
Ever presence. A hugely important element of the narcissistic relationship. We must create it in order to ensure that you are prevented from moving on and to maximise our prospects of executing a successful post escape or post discard hoover. Ever presence is the act of making us seem like we are still with you, even though we are not physically proximate to you. It is a necessary device so that we remain in your thoughts, we loom large in your memories and we permeate each day as you try to survive without us. Ever presence is highly effective because it is woven into the fabric of our engagement so that it infects all of your senses. We want you to feel us when you hear some music, we want you to think of us when there is a certain fragrance in the air, we want you to recall us when you see a particular item or watch a film, we want you to remember us when your fingers wrap around a particular object and we want you to sense us with you when you taste a drink or a meal. We do not just want our memory to spring from one item alone but from repeated reminders of what we had together. Largely ever presence is created so you remember the good, so you hark back to the golden period and experience that sense of yearning which causes you to break no contact. There are times when ever presence can be a reminder of the bad times as well although this is rarer and might only be done and activated for the purpose of malign hoovers.
What is going through our mind though when ever presence is created? Is it a conscious act? Do we plan it? Do we consider how best to achieve ever presence or is it just sheer coincidence that it happens, a result of the powerful emotions that we evoke in you that just happen to be imprinted with relatively run of the mill and mundane occurrences? Are you culpable for the creation of ever presence by falling so deeply and intensely in love with us that you place such emotional stock in certain songs, events and places? Is it all planned and orchestrated, a dark grand design that is wheeled out as part of our ongoing and calculated manipulation of you?
The Lesser, as you might expect, creates the least powerful ever presence. This is as a consequence of two factors. The first is that he does not act through calculation but rather through instinct. He will know that picking a nick name for you, choosing “our song” and sending you a few gifts is part of how the romancing should proceed but he gives little thought as to how this will impact on you. Secondly, the weaving of ever presence occurs through the seduction phase as a consequence of the creation of all these marvellous memories. The Lesser does not so much go in for love-bombing but rather keeps the beast under lock and key during the golden period (which might be better named as the bronze period for the Lesser Narcissist). Since there is less in the way of love-bombing it follows that there is less sowing of the ever presence. The Lesser does however gain a distinct advantage over the other two schools as a consequence of this approach. The paucity of ever presence items means that when you happen upon one it has particular resonance. He may not have been overly romantic during the seduction but the fact that he baked some chocolate muffins for you and they became his signature dish means that the memory is especially strong with such an item. The fact that he would only slow dance with you to one particular song means that should you ever hear that song again, the recollection of dancing cheek to cheek is powerful indeed. None of this arises from calculation. The Lesser does the bare minimum when it comes to the seduction. Taken further, when dealing with the Victim Narcissist (who is usually a Lesser and occasionally a Mid-Range) you actually contribute to the creation of ever presence. This happens because you made certain dishes that he enjoyed and therefore should you make them now, it will remind you of how he praised you for making that delicious pie or tasty lasagne. It might be that every Sunday he took his weekly bath and you would scrub his back and wash his hair for him, pandering to the mothering instinct that many Victim Narcissists require. Each week at 7pm on a Sunday you will be moved to think that this was the time when you would tend to him in the bathroom. Thus the demands and the needs of the Lesser become a form of ever presence in themselves.
The Mid-Range, similarly lacking awareness, does not know that he is creating ever presence. He does however have enough about him to know that making a good effort during seduction will win him the prize that he requires and he will make good use of all the usual tangible effects which go into creating ever presence. He will sow them through the seduction. He will endeavour to mirror your likes and dislikes but he will also use his ability to evoke pity to good effect in the creation of ever presence. For instance, he may choose certain songs which he claims are representative of his desire for you. You may not actually like the songs that much, perhaps they are a different musical genre to the ones you like, but you are still pleased that he has taken the time to send these songs to you and to make them part of what constitutes “you and him”. Accordingly, these songs take on a particular resonance as they become representative of the relationship. You could not bear to tell him that you found Luther Vandross or Michael Buble corny, he sidled up to you simpering and cooing, so you went with the flow and allowed them to be woven into the relationship until they mattered. The Mid-Range places particular emphasis on wooing his victim (whereas the Greater bowls the victim over with his magnificence) and as part of this wooing he will ensure that he looks presentable, takes the victim to special places and treats the victim well, offering gifts and other favours. All of this wooing creates the ever presence which is a happy side effect from the behaviour of the Mid-Range.
The Greater sets out to establish ever presence with his victims. He knows of his addictive quality and wants to get you hooked. He deliberately ascertains what you like not only in order to mirror you as perfectly as possible but also to gather ammunition for the purposes of creating the ever presence. The Greater knows that for ever presence to be effective it must span the five senses and be regularly imprinted so the victim is conditioned. The Greater also knows that the grander the gesture and of course he is all about the grandiosity, the more likely it is to have an imprinting effect. By combining this with repetition and the breadth and depth of the use of all five senses, the ever presence created by the Greater is formidable indeed. The Greater also goes further because he not only will lace where you live with so much ever presence but he will endeavour to infect other places as well. The place you work, the places you dine, the places you like to shop, to go walking, go cycling and so forth. During the seduction, each time the Greater does something new with his victim he will be looking to imprint his presence on the event. It might be carving the initials on a tree beneath which you sat holding hands, it might be naming the view after you both when you halted on a mountain bike ride. It could be asking a bar man to create a cocktail in your name or ensuring that you are recognised and called by name by the maitre’d at certain establishments.
The Greater knows exactly what he is doing when he creates ever presence. Not only this, he has done it so many times with other victims he knows that it is effective. He already has a template which he applies. A template of songs, fragrances, textures, places and tastes that he uses for each victim. He might vary some of the items within this template, but often they are the same. He will ensure that his cologne is distinct and unusual, that there are key songs that embody the relationship, he will leave a particular piece of clothing with you early on which is pleasant to touch, he will ensure there are signature bars, restaurants, walks and such like. This imprinting will continue in the bedroom where he will perhaps unveil a particular word or phrase which is unusual (to you) which he uses on the point of orgasm (yours or his) or as a safe word. He will murmur something in your ear and touch you in a particular way, when combining with music in the same way to ensure that your sensations are heightened so that when you hear that song, you not only think of the Greater but you hear his voice in your ear and his breath on your neck. All of it is calculated and planned, even though there may not be vast differences between what is applied to each of his victims. After all, if it works and is efficient, he will go along with it.
24 thoughts on “Ever Presence”
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My greater narc and my mid-ranger both had excellent but very different tastes in music. I actually still love the songs, and have managed to disassociate both of them from most of this awesome music.
It’s the music they all used to devalue me that still give me ptsd. My first narc, a lesser, had terrible music taste, and it took me about 15 years to dull the ptsd of his music and actually grow to appreciate some of it.
My midranger ruined some AWESOME songs for me. He set up a make-shift recording studio for me because I love singing and I’m very good at it (how sweet of him). Then he used it to TORTURE me by demanding I sing songs that were out of my range or completely not my style (imagine asking Carrie Underwood to sing Guns n Roses). “JUST TRY!!! WHY CAN’T YOU JUST DO ONE SIMPLE THING I ASK?!?!?” He’d get angry because I wasn’t “taking it seriously” and threaten to sell the equipment. He’d spend hours and hours (stay up all night) editing a song I had sung (he did “allow” me to sing some songs I could sing well so he could show me off to his friends and family). He’d always ask my opinion when he was done, and as he has zero comprehension of music theory and no sense of rhythm (Seriously. He cannot feel rhythm), there would always be some little thing that would need fixing. He’d FREAK and act like I had told him to redo the entire thing. He’d scream and rant about all the hours he spent while all I had to do was “stand in front of the mic for five minutes”. I never asked him to edit the songs at all, and they certainly didn’t need 15 hours of work. What a lunatic!
Anyway… yeah. I know the pervasiveness and the ever presence is supposed to be seductive, but in my experience, it’s the smells, songs, items and things that were used to devalue me that actually still haunt me. Even with the greater, who I am very much over. When I hear a Harley engine, even all these years later, my stomach drops and I peak out my curtains to make sure it’s not him, but I can still listen to his music without missing him. The positive, seductive stuff loses its punch pretty quickly, at least for me. The things associated with the cruelty bring the fear and pain right back like it was yesterday.
Bronze period… That says a lot…☺
Nothing, but sheer mental mind games. Come on people we are stronger than this.
Shawn,
It has nothing to do with strength. We got duped. It was a con. NOW we can be strong.
The nex may have been MRV but he went overboard on the lovebombing, and subsequently, I’m drowning in everpresence.
Somebody throw me a life-preserver
Jasmine
What helps for me is stepping back and observing myself, recognising it is my emotions speaking and not me.
Learning to separate is hard as hell, and can be in the moment to do. It requires focusing on what is and not what ifs.
Thank you Twilight. I’m just lost. Its that after – holidays, winter blues, sick and flu and I just want to sleep. I got an antidepressant. Hated to do it, but I can hardly get it of bed…
The day I had my consultation, I had to shower because I looked like that chick in the depression commercial. Messy hair, boots, long cardigan.. all grey..lol. yep. I’m a wreck. I can admit I’m a mess.
Step 1. acceptance
Jasmine
I understand.
Once exhausted it is very hard to focus. I am not a big fan of antidepressants, yet I know they work for many.
This path is not easy, for either side. Emotions are the biggest con artists there is. Theirs maybe jealousy, envy, hatred and angry, but those emotions are what drives them. Conning then into believing they need fuel from others to survive. It twists their perspective into what it is becoming ingrained within their core beliefs. Once there it becomes very hard to change.
Ours tells us to seek the truth, fix, heal. Makes excuses for behavior. These are a few of our core beliefs, which is very hard to change.
Emotional thinking is a bear, and hard to fight. Easier to stay comfortable with what is known then to adventure into the unknown, for both sides.
Twilight,
Thank you. I don’t know if there’s 2 of you or if you changed your avatar and answered me twice.. but either way – I’ve saved both responses. Your replies mean a lot. Thank you ❤ ❤
I really despise antidepressants too, but I’ll do whatever it takes to heal and move forward. Right now im weak; physically, emotionally, and mentally I’m a mess.
Bless you for being so kind xox
Hi Jasmine! I’ve been following many of your comments. I feel for you and can relate very well from a couple of years ago when I first landed on this blog.
Some weekends when I didn’t have my daughter, if I did a load of laundry and cleaned the coffee pot, that was a highly productive day.
One day, you’ll just wake up and be sick of feeling this way and that’s when you’ll really be able to let go. It’ll happen!
The antidepressants will help get you through this hump though.
Thank you Clarece ❤ lol.. i had 2 things on my list today. Eat. Shower. Haha.. I had lunch.
I heard these things take a while. *sigh* I get it. I see that now! And I’m thankful you all put up with me. Hopefully I can pay-it-forward. Xx
Can’t go wrong with a meal and good hygiene! #winning
Jasmine
Rest is definitely needed. Don’t push yourself to move through this process faster then you are ready. It will come, you seem to be in the right path. Don’t look back, there is nothing there.
I am the only Twilight, I do change my avatar thou.
Remember emotions come and go.
Have you ever seen the land after a wildfire? It is burnt and barren, after sometime new growth begins and the land is beautiful again. Just like this your strength will return.
Take care, keep reading, keep in touch with the many here,consult with HG when needed.
Thanks for the clarification Twilight! It looks different in my email program. I’m trying to be patient.. it’s not really my strong suit, though people seem to think it is. And I have seen post-fire. They burn the underbrush around here regularly. ❤ I’ll try to keep that in mind! xx Right now im going to go look for the moon! I heard it’s going to be spectacular tonight. 🕉
Jasmine
I watched it rise, It was beautiful. I love when the moon is full, these nights thou sometimes I will wander the woods at night under the light of the moon.
No one would notice the beauty of the moon if it wasn’t for the darkness…..
Enjoy your evening!
Twilight,
I had a nice evening, thank you… achieved my prime aims for the day, plus 1! Yay me.
I love when the moon is full too.. the shadows in the yard always beckoning, and so enchanting. I imagine a walk in your woods to be beautiful, peaceful and serene. 💙 Lovely
Jasmine
Yay you!
Yes the woods are beautiful, after a snow it is almost magical.
I moved closer to town and miss the woods. To many people, yet easier to hide amongst them.
Twilight,
Oooh! I can just imagine how magical that would be.. snow covering the tree branches and untouched by all (except critters prints here and there! ) xx thanks for the lovely image. I enjoy my seaside town but I’ll always be a country girl at heart. 😘
Jasmine
I love the ocean! Sometimes you can smell the water here, usually after a hurricane. The air smells so clean.
One year we had an ice storm the day before I was to head to the condo at the beach, when I woke everything was covered in ice. We left just before dawn, when the sun hit the ice covered trees it was like a crystal wonderland. It was breath taking,
I do understand being a country girl, the city is noisy and crowded.
Twilight, as yes.. hurricane season. A bit of time yet. 🙂 Hopefully Hurricane Tudor will be the only bad one this year. Hehe
Jasmine
Ha ha Hurricane Tudor is the best one to come along, destroying all his brethrens illusions and clearing a path for us to see clearer sky’s!
Jasmine
Take one day at a time, your focus will return. The energy will return. Baby yourself when you need to. Make time for yourself, sometimes easier said then done in today’s time.
We tend to forget about ourselves.
If you need the antidepressants, so be it if it helps you.
Take care.
Thank you Twilight 💖
I wish I could focus