Birthday Blues

birthday

They happen every year and you have come to dread the appearance of both your own birthdays and mine. You would much rather neither taken place if you are entirely honest. The day is spent treading on eggshells as you await the inevitable argument and dressing down that you will receive. The annual sense of disappointment will happen again and again and you hope somehow it will change, but it never does.

Let’s begin with my birthday. You dedicate time and money to making my birthday an enjoyable and memorable occasion. I dedicate a degree of energy to ensure that it is memorable, but for the wrong reasons. You plan something special to mark the occasion and go to considerable lengths to organise a surprise party or a trip out somewhere you believe I will like. You scour catalogues and the Internet trying to find that gift you hope will make me break out in a smile. Most normal people will be happy with half the effort you put into pleasing me on my birthday. Not me. The occasion may involve a grand day out and a spectacular gift but just as it did last year and the year before that, it will end in an argument and us lashing out at you.

On the face of it, one would imagine that just for once we would get throughout the day without causing some kind of drama. After all, the day is all about us. Exactly what we like and what we want. People wish us happy birthday, they send us cards, they give us presents and you run around lifting and carrying for us (even more than usual). The spotlight is firmly on us. We drink up all this fuel but still we want more. Every single second has to be about us. Do not expect us to thank you or anyone else who provides us with a gift. Remember, we are entitled to receive them. We may have received gifts of twenty people but you know that all we will harp on about is the person we did not get a gift from whom we expected to. That becomes the focus of our irritation. The brilliant and thoughtful gifts are left to one side as we rail against this one person who has not bought us something. It does not matter that they send a card, it does not matter that we did not send them a gift on their birthday (and never have done), and it does not matter that nobody else would expect this distant relative to send such a gift. We will raise it and repeat it and rant about it.

Woe betides you if you do not give to us the exact gift we expected. If you fail to do this we will comment and lash out at you. You cannot possibly love us since you did not give us the right gift. We conveniently ignore the fact that what you have brought us is still a wonderful gift and we actually do like it. That is not the point. It is not the gift we wanted and you will be subjected to our scathing remarks. If by sheer dint of exhaustive effort you manage, against all the odds, to work out what we want (don’t expect us to help you by explaining what we want, we expect you to know this through telepathy) and give us the right gift, do not expect smiles and thanks. We need to make a scene. Instead, we will remark,

“I see you finally got it right. It does not really make up for all the years you got it wrong does it?”

You can never win when it comes to providing us with gifts. We will always want to put you down no matter what you have done and irrespective of the effort and expense that you have gone to. We will always be unsatisfied and this will manifest in us giving you a dressing down in front of everyone at the party, or storming out of the venue at some sleight. Every year you will hear the same stinging accusation ringing in your ears,

“You’ve ruined my birthday. Again.”

When it comes to your birthday the position is just as bad. We will routinely pretend to forget about it. Do not be fooled by our repeated apparent memory lapses. We have minds that remember everything and our powers of recall are spectacular. We know your birthday is on the horizon and with most things with us it generates two reactions. On the one hand we resent the forthcoming anniversary because it is a day geared towards the individual, namely you. It is not about us and we cannot stand that. It is rare that you ever allow the spotlight to be shone on you (by now you are so used to having to point it at us, you give up on it ever being fixed on you) but you do hold out the futile notion that it might still be done on your birthday, of all days. We find this galling. This is a day that will be about you and thus where will we get our fuel? Its approach generates dread and horror inside of us.

Conversely, we relish your birthday because we know, despite every previous disappointment, you still hold out hope that this year it might just be different. You pray to your own personal god that please, just for once, the day can pass without incident and you can enjoy yourself. You are not particularly bothered about doing anything special, perhaps a meal out somewhere and the gift need not be expensive, just so long as it exhibits that some kind of thought has gone into it. Your thoughts are based on hope as opposed to expectation. It will not be different because we need to spoil it; we need to make you feel upset and demeaned. To achieve this there are various things that we will do on your birthday.

  1. We forget about it completely. If you mention at 6pm that evening that it is your birthday we will lash out at you by explaining how busy we have been at work or that there has been some other pressing matter which means that it has slipped our minds. We deliberately forget about it and we will not countenance you criticising our omission.
  2. We organise something lavish but we know it is not something you will actually like. As usual, you put a brave face on it and fix a rigid smile to your face. We know what you are really thinking because we know it is not something you like. In fact, it is more likely that we have organised something that we enjoy. We do this so that everyone else can see what a grand and delightful gesture we have made and we drink in his or her admiration. It also enables us to poke at you repeatedly suggesting that you don’t like it. We are goading you into making a tiny admission that it is not quite what you expected and then we erupt in self-indignant fury as we castigate you for being ungrateful after all the effort we have gone to.
  3. We buy some token gesture and point out that your 43rd birthday is not really something to celebrate is it? It is hardly a milestone. We then use this to remark on your advancing years and point out your various flaws.
  4. We organise a lovely birthday for you but spoil it by turning the spotlight back onto ourselves. We turn up late, we flirt with a guest or we manufacture some drama so that everyone is looking at us and not you. We complain at waiters when there is a family meal out, when there is not actual need to do so. We want to make a scene and wrench the spotlight back over to us.
  5. We remember your birthday and spend it doing what you want and we are pleasant to you until early evening when we deliberately pick a fight with you over absolutely nothing. The fuel we gain from this behaviour is all the sweeter as we have built you up, your guarded behaviour has melted away as we appear to have done everything that pleases you. We are waiting. We are waiting for you to feel good and happy and then we will cast you down so your emotional reaction is all the more heightened.

This behaviour is not just reserved for your birthday although we enjoy ruining your birthday the most. We do this with the birthdays of our children, friends and family. We hate it being about someone else and we hate seeing him or her being happy. In our world, nobody else is allowed a birthday and we believe that every day is our birthday and everyone should recognise that and act accordingly.

We know that you would rather your birthday be erased from the calendar. It is always a horrible day in one form or another and you would rather it not take place. We put a big red ring around it in the calendar in our mind and scribble next to the day the words, “ Special Fuel Day.”

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31 thoughts on “Birthday Blues”

  1. Last year when we were in the formal relationship, he was the first to wish me a happy birthday on FB…this year he is avoiding it and not posting anything. I should not be surprised, but it hurt all the same. Perhaps he is getting some Thought Fuel from that.

  2. Now I understand how 4 years in a row she somehow managed to forget my Birthday every time!? It makes perfect sense, as crazy and bewildering as it was disappointing. Thank you once again for your in-sight and explanation!

  3. Wow I had a classic set up of this done to me by an extreme narcissist. I was absolutely devastated. Wish I had of known of this site back then. Well done xo
    This is arguably the best site on the internet for information and learning about Narcissism.

  4. Dear Mr Tudor,
    My friend had informed me he had a birthday gift for me, (how sweet, so thoughtful) but unbeknownst to me, I was on the downhill slop, but I knew things didn’t feel right. He had delayed giving it to me for a couple of months, so, cheeky me, I asked for it, as I didn’t believe him.

    He gave me my favourite “quaffing” red wine at that time and a card -about hummingbirds …. which I thought was odd!

    Is there a correlation with narcs and hummingbirds, because I’ve seen it mentioned here and there.

    Your thoughts and from others would be most appreciated.

    Another informative great article about spotting the red flag!

  5. I haven’t had a “birthday” sense I was 12, I now just plan a holiday for myself and spoil myself.

    No one cared to remember about it and I got tired of being hurt wishing someone would recognise it. So I did something about it.

    1. Twilight
      Neither have i. I cry on my birthdays sometimes. My kids celebrates in their own way at home for me and that give me immense pleasure. But i do compare myself With my friends who have partners and many Close friends and they celebrate their own With parties, etc.. Once i stop comparing With them, i will be happy.
      I don’t celebrate as i cannot afford it where i invite friends and colleagues. Once, one of my Narc friend told me that birthdays are not a big deal on my 40th birthday, they come and go, (her reaction came after I told her that i could not help her on that day With her personal task, as it was my birthday. i wanted to remain at home). She actually forgot that it about my birthday that day. Whereas her own 40th birthday was celebrated by her fans/secondary sources as a surprise party.

      My Narc ex-husband always spoiled it after the golden period was over. Every year it was a different story, sometimes he was drunk or sick or busy, etc.

      Narc nr 2 forgot twice, even though i reminded him a day before and in the morning also. All he needed was to send a sms, but he went into silent mode those days. Next day he called to say that he was busy when i confronted him. Even though i was IPSS for him and never directly devalued by him.

      Now i have no one and i am happy about that.

      1. Kiki

        I don’t need anyone with me to “celebrate” I do what brings me joy. Sometimes it is just a walk on the beach under the night sky, sometimes it is staying at home making a blanket or scarf. Sometimes I go to a place not far from where I live and stay for a week at a hotel and be pampered with massages, manicure, pedicure and nice dinners in a fancy restaurant. It is something I do not do often, especially sense I have seen some unorthodox things done in a kitchen, ignorance can be bliss at times.

        My ex thought he could provoke me by giving me a birthday present 3 days before my birthday then ignore me on my birthday. It bothered me some, yet was something I expected. If he had actually done something for me in my birthday he may have gotten one hell of a reaction, I just don’t know.

        Find it in yourself to celebrate you and not need the recognition from anyone else. You have many qualities that I am sure will shine brightly once you start to water them.

        It is listening to the world that has conditioned us to not see the beauty within or trust ourselves.

  6. Ex narc husband once brought me a huge balloon that said, “Happy Secretary’s Day”, on my birthday. He said he never noticed, and it was an honest mistake.

    1. Who on earth manufactures a balloon with such a slogan on it?!
      I certainly believe he gave it to you though.

      1. Don’t you celebrate Administrative Assistant’s Day in April HG? You’re missing out! Or rather your assistant is…

      2. Oddly enough Clarece, no. There’s no observance of it in this country. It is an unnecessary creation. Why on earth would one celebrate someone doing their job?

        Mind you, the Tudor range of celebratory cards will include :-

        1. Congratulations on the arrival of your golden period!
        2. It’s a Hoover! (card opens to play bespoke message – comes in malign and benign styles).
        3. Congratulations ! You’re the IPPS ! (Has a wipe clean interior so the name can be removed and a new one written).
        4. No Contact Anniversary (available in 1 hour,1 day,1 week, 1 month, 3 months, 6 months versions and individual years 1-25
        5. So Sorry To Hear You’ve Been Disengaged (My turn now).
        6. Wow! You Escaped! (reversible cover showing ‘With Deepest Sympathy On Your Ensnarement’)
        7. You Got Out! (Now Stay Out!)
        8. Blank cards (for silent treatments)
        9. Super Empath! Supernova!
        10. Thinking of You On Your Devaluation.

        and more besides so long as these minions don’t dry out the felt tips. Colour in, damn you, colour in I say!

      3. Wowwww! An inspired HG is a most entertaining HG!! Imagine the endless possibilities of having musical cards to your themes above?

        No. 7 can have Kim Wilde’s “You Keep Me Hanging On”.
        No. 2 can have Darth Vader’s “Imperial March” for the malign Hoover.
        No. 1 can have Andrea True’s “More, More, More”.
        As for celebrating Admin Day, well, we celebrate Boss’ Day in October. So they get their pat on their back for doing their job too or being a fearless, revered leader, or something like that.

      4. HG proclaimed: “3. Congratulations ! You’re the IPPS ! (Has a wipe clean interior so the name can be removed and a new one written).”

        LOL. Classic!

      5. HG i love your hallnarc cards lol my fave is the blank card silent treatment 😂

      6. Hi HG,
        It has since been renamed “administrative professional’s day”. He did indeed! He feigned ignorance as to how he didn’t notice.

      1. Yes, narc affair, very passive aggressive. Needless to say all my birthdays were very disappointing. I’ve tried not to compare with friends who had loving spouses and had elaborate celebrations for milestone birthdays, holidays. I used to expend so much energy planning his birthdays but it was never reciprocated. He always had an excuse, he was busy, didn’t know how, couldn’t plan, blah blah blah!

  7. Here’s your Thank You card..

    Dear narcissist,

    You not only didn’t wish me a happy birthday, and avoided me for most of the day, but you also succeeded in stirring up so mich drama, it will go down in my history as “The Worst Birthday Ever”. Thanks for that.

    Love, me

  8. So here it is. If you’re a guy, then all you really want, and will get from us, if we are smart, is a BJ. If you dare to bitch about ANYTHING after that amazing surprise gift, about what you did not get, you are clearly not worth any more time or energy. Stop whining. I hope my narcissist does that bc that would make it so easy to be gone forever!
    HG- I would love your commentary

  9. You are spot on with this, but I just can’t get over the cake. Sounds like something I would have said towards the end. 🙌🙌💋

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