What Happens When You Accuse The Greater Narcissist?
I wrote previously about the situation where you tell a lesser member of our kind that you know what they are and how they react to it. What then of the response of those of us who belong to the greater school of narcissism? How do we react when you tell us that you know exactly what we are?
Those of us in the greater school possess three attributes which are relevant to this matter. Awareness, intelligence and malice. We know what we do. We know that this is regarded as wrong by other people (although we are always able to justify our behaviour when considered from our perspective) and we know that our behaviour hurts people but again it is entirely acceptable because we matter and you do not. We are superior and our sense of entitlement allows us to do as we please. We also do not possess the burden of guilt, remorse or compassion and therefore the effects of our behaviour cause us no trouble. There is no moral compass to guide us or hinder us. We may also be aware of exactly what we are, a narcissist. This is not always the case but we do know that we do is considered as abusive. We are intelligent enough to realise that the accusations of abuse fit with what is regarded as abuse, but we are also intelligent enough to know that we must engage in this behaviour because it is necessary to the preservation of our existence. The inherent tension that might exist between choosing to abuse someone and the impact on our existence is one whereby the need to exist will always outweigh the downsides of abusing someone (which are few when looked at through our world view. You would feel “bad” for hurting someone, you would be concerned about how this would affect you relationship or your friendship, you would worry about how others would view you, you would be concerned if it involved the authorities, your employer, your church and so forth. These concerns are much reduced in our world).
You may not realise that we are a narcissist but you do know our behaviour is abusive. Should you label us as an abuser and in support of this contention list the various instances of our behaviour, how do we respond. Our reaction is not subconscious and immediate like those of our lesser kind. We do not respond in a knee jerk reaction. We know that we are abusive and your labelling of us as such initially has two reactions.
The first is that we fear that we are losing control. Control is hugely important to us because we want you doing everything that we want and nothing that we do not want in order to ensure that you provide us with fuel. Our machinations and manipulations are all designed to gain and maintain control. Much of this is achieved by you remaining oblivious to what is happening to you or mitigating its effect by blaming yourselves (which we aim to achieve) or making excuses for us (again, something we aim to bring about). If you do not truly understand what is happening to you, you remain paralysed in this confusion and you will not do anything about it. You will not challenge us, you will not try to escape us, you will not shut off the supply of fuel. Accordingly, we need to keep you bound to us and compliant. This requires control. If we think that our control is being challenged, is slipping or is being eroded then we must establish it and do so quickly. I will return to how this is done in a moment.
The second reaction is that your moment of enlightenment that we are an abuser (or even worse you actually know we are a narcissist) is one of wounding. You have found us out. You have seen through us. You have worked us out. The potential loss of control is troubling, this being found out is terrifying and damaging. You have wounded us because you have criticised us. By telling us that you know what we are, we have failed in maintaining the state of confusion, bewilderment and ignorance. You have pierced the veil. We are mightier than you, superior to you and better than you, how can it be that someone like you has managed to unravel what we are? What else are you capable of? Who might you tell? We have failed. We hate failing. It reminds us of things we have consigned to the darkest recesses of our mind and now you, you hateful, treacherous, disloyal bitch have done this on purpose. You have done this after everything that we have done for you, because you want to hurt us don’t you? This failure to keep you in the dark amounts to a massive criticism of us. This in turn ignites the churning fury that is always there beneath the surface. This ignited fury will mean we either withdraw, unleash cold fury or unleash heated fury.
Our awareness of what we are actually makes us more vulnerable to the accusation of “I know what you are, you are an abuser, a narcissist” than those of our lesser or mid-range brethren. We are far more susceptible to being wounded by this outing. Our awareness equates to a weakness.
All is not lost for us of course. Our intelligence means that whilst we know what we are and we are wounded by your awareness and accusation, we are not without the means of addressing it. Our intelligence allows us to deflect and deny. We will utilise these twins to fight back, applying our considerable minds to deny what you have said. We will challenge your evidence, deny its existence, twist it around, pull it apart, change the subject, focus on something different, blame-shift and project. Powered by our heated fury this onslaught will be brutal and sustained as we fight to regain control. We will batter you into submission so that you become frightened, upset, angry or frustrated and thus you will give us fuel. Our further manipulations will allow us to regain control as you shrink back from our vicious words. Everything will be thrown at you in order to stop the wounding, regain control and gain the required fuel to power this defence mechanism.
If the situation is one where we cannot risk heated fury then we will issue a flat denial and engage cold fury by subjecting you to an icy and prolonged silent treatment, either of the present or absent variety.
If really necessary and this is of the last resort, we will withdraw to escape your wounding and find solace with another who will provide us fuel to repair the gaping wound that you have ripped in us. We will remain away from you for some time as we recover and enjoy the fuel from other sources as we recuperate. We will return of course because there is a score to settle and more fuel to draw from you, but for now that will have to wait.
We will also engage our energies, once we have gained more fuel (either from you if we unleash our heated fury, from you and others if we unleash cold fury and from others if we withdraw) in rolling out a smear campaign against you. Now you know what we are and we know you know, we need to ensure that this pollution does not spread elsewhere. We will up our seduction of other sources so that they like us all the more and ensure we spread poison about you so you are not believed if you try to tell other people that you know what we are.
Finally, the third attribute comes into play. Malice. The mid-range of our kind would withdraw and seek fuel elsewhere and be done with you for some time until a hoover of positive fuel through a Benign Hoover takes place. The mid-range of our kind would unleash heated fury or cold fury to stabilise the position but then would engage a Respite Hoover or a Preventative Hoover aimed at playing down what you know, restoring the golden period for a while so you focus on that and not this new knowledge or to prevent you leaving us armed with this new knowledge. The mid-range narcissist would do all of this to try and diffuse the situation and prevent it being brought up again. This does not apply to those of us who are of the greater variety. You must be punished for your terrible offence against us. Your transgression must be addressed. Your treachery must meet with a consequence. Once we have established control again and recovered from your awful wounding of us then you will be subject to a malign and brutal campaign as punishment for what you have done. This will happen if you remain with us in a relationship. It will happen if you have tried to escape us. We want to rain hell fire down on you in order to punish you for your disgusting behaviour. This is our right. This is our entitlement. This is how we respond.
You may know what we are, but if you are dealing with the greater of our kind, you may reflect on whether you really ought to make it known to us.
36 thoughts on “What Happens When You Accuse The Greater Narcissist?”
I accused mine of dating someone else by taking her to dinner just the two of them. He said it was just a friend thing, he had told me he was considering her to date before he and I met, and made sure I knew about this dinner he had with her, even though I lived in a different country and he could have hid it from me if he wanted to. I said, “Nope. That’s a date. Sorry.” He called me a ‘child’ and then did a final discard. I was free! Hooray! Yippee!!! Tra la la!
nice! i want that. i want to be discarded 🙁
And if we manage to escape and stay away In order to avoid the triggers??… is there a possibility that the narc just leave and look for other sources?
2 yrs and still in court I don’t care what he says about me principles.integrity,TRUTH are far more Important than my humiliation and gas lit existence :et him say what he wants I have a Picture of hard cold evidencefor every lie I don’t matter TRUTH DOES!The Consequences for doing this to people are coming if its the last breath I take! I will ride them down with a perserverence he only dreams of having Not for vengeance not for spite not for malice But he qorked so painstakingly to accomplish this for himself ,I feel He deserves to have the results My pride cannot be hurt -Pride is Ego I am not governed by ego but Doing what is right No matter how I feel about it!EXPOSE’ and Then he can be on his way with a whole lot to think about trailing behind him Pinochio forgets he has a creator who holds a scissor to the strings of his False reality ! Nobody gets out alive after all! Expose’ then Judgement !You reap what you sow,You sow the Wind reap the whirlwind Don’t cry to me you never existed I do_If You play games with people Who put their whole existence on the line for you and you Deceive them and exploit them Then See what enables them to be so confident to put it all on the line for with out holding anything back for themself ,If you ever find another, What is behind this is Larger than infinity and I am not afraid of anything but the CREATOR I will answer to whom I know I can trust Because who I trust has never failed me and is not a man that he should lie.I don’t trust human flesh I TRUST GOD ALONE! for All My Outcome You and I are Dust in his Mind You can Fool me But You can Never Fool GOD! I shall do valiantly in My Existence of which this Life is but Moments it is what lies beyond that I live for What happens here is only a matter of Choices and CONSEQUENCES! right or Wrong Choices are available to each of us With that in Mind Who am I after all to stand in front of the consequences for your choices ?
HG, now I’m thinking of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs? Is ‘fuel’ on there by different names? If so, what would they be in Maslow’s terms by narc level/cadre?
To ‘clarify’ my not caring. I mean it does not matter if the charmer is a lesser, mid ranger, or greater or even if he is a narc or just a pathological liar and serial cheater (the latter two being certain). The fact is he purposely confused me and I bonded to him and there was no hope for a healthy relationship with him. Getting out staying out – ‘GOSO’ – has me seeing more clearly, not feeling addicted and a slave to my phone, etc. Staying off social media even with him blocked has been very rewarding too, just in general and not even in relation to him. I’ve deleted the apps from my phone. My point here and is a question for HG not in relation to said charmer specifically but posed from the knowledge aspect. I really thought I’d read the above and you’d be saying that the lack of any negative reactions, always continuing to be polite when people insulted him on social media or when I said things to him about him being morally bankrupt, or never speaking ill of his other sources would characterize those who behave like that as superior, greater, ‘master’. Nothing ever seemed to make the malign come out. He always remained endearing and kept winning even his critics over by lightening it up and being charming and not getting dirty back. His hands were always seemingly clean in both public and private settings. Neither sticks, stones or words ever broke him (seemingly). What school is that? And where can I sign up?
i think we are looking at intelligence in 2 very different ways.
For me intelligence it is not using our intelligence to achieve and be successful per-se.
But using intelligence to make progress to grow in truth, love, honesty and wisdom- it is an intelligent way to mature.
Living in deceiving and controlling people, it is not intelligent in my opinion, but it is being uncanningly smart.
I know what you mean though.
Narcissists can be super intelligent, and they will use it for their facade in buiding up their empire of deceived people.
“– not at all. Significant intelligence in a narcissist is not wasted at all, it invariably leads to achievement, brilliance and success in differing fields. It is not traded in at all.”
Of course you would say that HG, a very good twist.
However, you are intelligent, and you know what i mean.
But the truth is : Narcissists trying keeping up with their facade and all their crowd… and deceits … it is a waste of intelligence.
“The measure of intelligence is the ability to change.” Albert Einstein
This it is not and offence – it is the truth. ❤
Love that Albert, so smart. You are absolutely right
I have decided it is more wounding to leave him, as it seems, on a whim. Just because I’m a pretty girl and he is replaceable – so all it takes is an unsatisfying bd present. I will not give him the relief to know that it is because of something he’s done – let him think that it is because he is less than. He, actually, is.
My recent never disparaged anyone, not even his exes. He never played the victim card. I watched him negate any criticism thrown his way without ever uttering an offensive word. He always remained charming and pleasant. That was the appeal for me. I’d been married to a certified narc and witnessed firsthand how the slightest offense would wound and cause him to react. Not so with this one. He always took the higher ground which eventually led me to think of him as an elite greater/snake charmer as no criticism or rejection ever shook him. It’s also why he’s so good at his job and keeps getting elevated. He’s as smooth and cool and I envy that! He’s not bogged down by the things that bog down most of us.
I am sweet as pie!
I am not going to let on I know- I am playing the game. I have my SuperNova in place- laying low, answering the fifth or sixth phone call –
not calling him ( I am nosey and want to find out when he finds my well placed landmines) but hell no! I will not let on I know– then I lose my advantage in his game.
Is there a correlation between whats happening in your day to day to the articles and videos you post and the possible order? 😊
No Julie, there is not. Naturally the articles relate to my experiences, observations and interactions but do not arise because of something that has happened that day or in the last couple of days.
Yes sir continue being greater (not being facetious)
Have a wonderful day!
My recent most always remained charming. Only once did he deflect and another got a little scary, but then he quickly resumed the charm. He’d not deny. Instead, he’d promise no more lies. He’d say he needed me, acknowledged my need for space but begged me not to permanently leave him. He’d say things like tomorrow is a new day to begin again, to start anew the right way. It was hard to stay mad at him for long because of his charm. Of course this was future faking, manipulation, etc. But his lack of anger and fury always threw me off as he was never seemingly insulted by my calling him out as a worthless human. That is why I think he is a greater as he is in that much control of his reactions. Or, maybe I am just a plaything without the status to truly shake the superficial charm. At this point I don’t care. I was just amazed at how charming he remained through it all.
i believe my narc also it is from the greater elite, although he rages to provoke me, as i can rage back.. he loves that.. better than to be ignored, or preached intelligently, he hates that.
One time when my raging was at a high peek, afterwards he told me:
“You are so sexy when you are upset”
its a shame though that with all my raging i was denied intimacy for such a long time .. the irony and twisted minds of narcs 😝
But i notice that what wounds him most, it is when i preach extensively and intelligently about his stunted brillant intelligence. 😂
I am also going to tell off… I dont care I will face the fury.
I have told him straight in his face several time.
And i will never stop doing so.
you say repeatedly “our intelligence” ..
well, to me it is not intelligence per-se;
i would rather call it an uncanny evil thought pattern.
I am not saying that there isn’t any intelligence there, my narc has plenty of it, but it is manuipulated by the controlling uncanny selfish, lustful, inflated Ego.
At the end the intelligence it has been corroupted by corroupted actions.
I believe that intelligence grows with the desire to be rooted in truth and love.
As narcissists prefers to be narcissists, then the chances for truth and love is slim, and so their growth in intelligence it is stunted.
Very intelligent narcissists waste their intelligence, and they trade it in preference to their narcissistic lifestyle.
I have seen it happening.
I believe that intelligence grows with the desire to be rooted in truth and love. – I do not see a correlation and furthermore remember that our truth is different from your truth.
As narcissists prefers to be narcissists, then the chances for truth and love is slim, and so their growth in intelligence it is stunted. – Lesser and Mid Range do not know what they are, therefore there is no preference and in any event truth and love do not impact on intelligence.
Very intelligent narcissists waste their intelligence, and they trade it in preference to their narcissistic lifestyle. – not at all. Significant intelligence in a narcissist is not wasted at all, it invariably leads to achievement, brilliance and success in differing fields. It is not traded in at all.
Exactly Mr. Hudor it’s just a different thought process that’s all. So in my case, As I have learned finally from 3 long relationships of narc abuse (also addicts in every way) that my perception of love, loyalty, commitment is just different. I just stay clear. We have the right to think differently. Our kind are the trophy, just saying!
I agree with you Pure. If you study the philosophies of Aristotle and others, the intellect pursues the ‘higher’ goods of justice, democracy, etc. The narcissist, while intelligent, falls short. He may feign the pursuit because he knows he must fit in with society and is aware that these ‘goods’ are deemed as noble, but he’s not in true pursuit of them because his intellectual growth has been stunted somewhere along the way with the Ego always requiring him to ‘survive’ through exploitation and manipulation in essence rejecting the true aim of the pursuit of higher goods. Cue HG who will probably tell me where I’m wrong or that the great ancient philosophers were actual elite narcs playing on the stupidity and weaknesses of society, but I cannot deny my years of higher education studying philosophy.
Intellectual growth is not stunted at all. The ‘higher’ goods of justice, democracy etc – who deems them higher? Higher to a certain set of people, but not others. What is justice? Justice is all about perspective and herein lies the essential point – you have a perspective, we have a different perspective – those perspectives operate to enable us to function in ways which are best for us – they are both ‘right’ in that sense.
From my philosophy of the human person studies,there are 3 appetites: life, pleasure, knowledge. At the lowest level, living beings have an appetite to live, for example the plant growing towards the sun. Then there is the appetite for things pleasing to the five senses, like the dog liking his bone or being pet. Finally there is the higher appetite for knowledge, etc. These correspond nicely to the Less, Mid Ranger and Higher and which appetites by which they are governed. Trust me HG I’m not trying to go toe to toe with you here by any means. Your writings and responses just had me remembering some of my university studies. Very fascinating stuff really how it all relates. The ancient Greeks knew their stuff.
Thanks HG and understood. I guess that is why it’s termed a disorder as the rules are contra to the natural order or more common order. For example, when I’m at a traffic intersection, I’m hoping every other driver is playing by the common understood ‘order’. Now by your answer I’m convinced all narcs cause the collisions and injuries and fatalities at the intersections of life. DUTG says “a-ha!” Got it and see it so clearly!
Indeed DUTG. The more common order is right and that is because a majority of people have evolved in a similar way so they perceive matters in that particular way and thus this becomes regarded as ‘normal’. Those outside of this are regarded as disordered.
HG Tudor, until I begun reading your blog, it didn’t occur to me that EQ test could be useless, at least in Greater’s case. I’m sure you’d know what the “required” answers are…to such test.
As for laws, they mean boundaries, narcs abhor them. If an empath may sh** his pants when breaking even a “school law”, narcs sees it as a provocation that gives them fuel/adrenaline.
HG, do you consider Ted Bundy an interesting case? Can you understand how his “dark” mind worked? I understand from news that a film on this subject will follow.
HG I feel icky at both you and I using the word ‘common’ in these posts because I know you are thinking common like so predictable, so foolish, so average vs. your ‘uncommon’ order (magnificent, rare). But I hear ya.
You were reading my mind – I had just been listening to this..
So many questions –
1) is it really necessary for your existence – fuel gathering? Have you ever experimented to determine this perceived need?
2) I’ll say it again – Control is illusory. Do you think yourself capable of building trust w anyone that would reduce this perceived need for control? (eg Lennox)
3) we’ve all questioned how you would react if someone you know knows about your work here – does this post apply to you? Is it wounding to you that we know what you are? *since you told us… which puts you in control.. right?
4) I take it narcs don’t do forgiveness.. do you? I mean – why is it such a bad thing if your partner told you she knows what you are, if she didn’t want to leave you, but was trying to express a desire merely to understand you?
Just to be clear, as for me, I certainly don’t want to hurt you.. ever.. it would be nice to think likewise..
*sigh* .. I miss our intellectual exchanges…
I have wanted this conversation. Just to see the look on his face. There is no need. He looks confused, when I “run into” him. How can I resist staying away for so long? He takes his shots quickly by making a joke before I turn and leave with no response. Thank goodness for my narcissistic traits…. It’s one of the most satisfying things. Thank you HG! If not for your writing I would have definitely had this conversation and taken trauma on myself and my daughter.
This may be slightly off topic for this particular article but I was wondering if you could decode some mid range narc speak for me.
“I have successfully compartmentalized my guilt and shame about our relationship” (this was said after weeks of the opposite, following constant pity plays and silence because the guilt and shame was “too much”)
The term “compartmentalized” makes me wonder if he is a greater in knowing what he is but all other behavior points to mid range.
I was made “persona non grata” and told he never wanted to see me again. Then he changed his mind and took it back. When I asked why the change that was the response I got. Because of “successful compartmentalization”.
If your kind does not feel guilt and shame as you have told us, why brag about being able to “successfully” compartmentalize it?
Could you help me understand what this means?
i feel he wants u to feel bad that in him he does feel guilty about you. Are u dirty secrete?feel bad that u are a dirty secrete!
But he wants to get it on, to string u along, so he says this too.
So he can get sex from u and make u feel bad. all in one.
that is what i think.
thanks and run!