Sex and the Narcissist

No holds barred and no strings attached

The only unnatural sex act is that which you cannot perform

Read about how the narcissist views and uses sex and how you are central in that

US e-book here

UK e-book here

CAN e-book here

AUS e-book here

Also available in paperback on Amazon

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44 thoughts on “Sex and the Narcissist

  1. Perse jumped into the fire says:


    Yep! It’s Fuel and control.

    Control by bonding, and binding, so you don’t object. The great sex (for those who use it) and the eye gazing gives the target MASSIVE doses of oxytocin. (Stop it, damn spellcheck!!) I would be interested to know if narcs get oxytocin release, and if so, what does it do for them?

    I do know they get fuel, and more mirroring information with these tactics.

    It kept me adoring him for far too long, and blinded to a lot of the “little” things that would have been perceived as a red flag with anyone else. I never thought of leaving before the sex went bad, and then disappeared.

    1. Jasmine says:

      I know the sex went bad…. but it would have been nice to have ANY sex… ugh. We had tons more “phone sex” before he moved down here than real sex. (And come to discover that was fakery too)

      The grass is always greener. And my ass was cleaner. Haha.. speaking of which, mine had some odd fetishes…

      1. Jasmine says:

        My apologies to anyone that did have an abusive situation. I did not mean my reply to sound so crass. Abuse can be sexual too. I am fully aware of what that feels like, molestation and rape. So please forgive me. Xx

  2. Somewhere over the rainbow says:

    Great sex comes for me with trust and attachment, otherwise is plain physical exercise and a dangerous one, considering the fact that the narcissists I knew abhorred safe (protected) sex. They wanted control, I wanted it safe, especially when finding out what kind of people they are and that someone can’t trust them.

    So, even if I could forgive (emotionally and rationally-I don’t see people as properties, they are free, I enjoy only the one being able to go as he pleases, but still choosing to stay by my side) a man having sex with another woman, getting sexual diseases out of it is not at all appealing.

  3. ava101 says:

    HG, when you hear/read women being crazy about sex with narcs, and so on, – does it kind of confirm to you what/how women are? ….

    And what happens if a woman approaches you directly in a bar for example, being explicit about her designs for you for the evening?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It does.

      Then I am pushing on an open door and I decide whether I walk through the doorway.

  4. Insatiable Learner says:

    HG, when you talk about the “perceived treachery of the individual,” do you mean failure to comply, provide fuel, wounding with intent, and other reasons described in your article “5 reasons we disengage”?

    1. HG Tudor says:


      1. Insatiable Learner says:

        Thank you!

  5. Jess says:

    This book as well as this thread of comments are the strongest triggers I’ve had in a while. I know no other way but then to be objectified in the bedroom.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      No you know why and you can use that understanding to your advantage.

  6. Perse jumped into the fire says:


    Pardon my spoiler on your book.
    Of, course, that comment could get lost in moderation……..

  7. 12345 says:

    So jealous of all the great sex some had. Not the case for this girl. The attention was good, lots of cuddling, back rubs, stroking my hair, etc. but I think that was meant to make up for the two thrust intercourse. No really, two and done. It’s really difficult to fake an orgasm in 3 seconds.

    1. K says:

      Sorry, 12345.
      Damn, after reading that, I felt bad for you. Faking an orgasm would be impossible and, besides, who wants to have sex without an orgasm. Not many people would, I imagine.

  8. Perse jumped into the fire says:


    The BOOK, Sex and the Narcissist, is the safest sex you’ll ever have.

    Although It may be quite emotional, depending on how you process written material.

    1. Caroline says:

      LOL…I guess nobody got what I meant by my (meant to be silly) “You guys are scaring me” comment. I was just joking about the AUTOGRAPHING of the sex book. 😉

      Since my first reply (to NA) is hung up in moderation, I guess if anyone else asks, I’ll just let it go. But, to clarify:

      Not scared of the sex book!
      Not scared of the sex book!

      (Actually, rather wish I had read it *before* I dated a narcissist).

      1. whispers:

        Caroline, don’t be afraid of the autograph. Just be sure to shake out all the hoover dust when the book arrives.

        1. Caroline says:

          Lol, Perse:-)

    2. Jasmine says:

      It’ll probably be better sex too .

      1. K says:

        The sex was great, until it gets…diabolical.

      2. I happen to have been “lucky” 😛 enough to have gotten a great sex N. Until it wasn’t.
        I don’t know what this says about me, but my N needed to “put out” great sex to reel me in. I wasn’t feeling very empath like at the time I met him.
        The book describes well the great sex, as well as the awful diabolical, “felt used like a tissue” sex. As well as the whys and wherefores. Unless your totally disconnected from your feelings, this is not an orgasm fest.

      3. Caroline says:

        I had no complaints in this particular arena… but it also kept me in the relationship too long, so in that way, it was also control.

  9. SadSteffi says:

    Hello HG,

    So who is the mid range cerebral narcissist picturing in his mind when he occasionally has sex with me? It’s like he doesn’t see me (& is consistently silent too.) Is it his IPPS?
    Also, I thought it was all about power & control but he seems to really enjoy the physical benefits more. Am I right?


    1. HG Tudor says:

      He is too busy focusing on himself to think about you or anybody else.

      1. SadSteffi says:

        Thank you HG.

        Is your explanation also relevant where he is having sex with his IPPS (I only ask because she is at the top of the hierarchy)
        Would he be having sex with her every day? (He is not somatic)


        1. HG Tudor says:

          If it is during seduction, we are focused on pleasing you, mirroring, drawing you in etc and of course gaining our precious fuel. Thus we are very much ‘there’.
          In devaluation, we are focused on drawing the negative fuel and therefore this might be through being proactive and unpleasant, so we are ‘there’ but this may also manifest by purely focusing on what we want and you could be a lump of jelly for all we care and thus we appear ‘elsewhere’ which also enables us to draw negative fuel. This can occur to any appliance being devalued in a sexual manner, but is more likely to be applied to the IPPS in devaluation.

      2. SadSteffi says:

        Thank you for your explanation. Just one other query, if I may? I am his DLS, we have sex rarely (nothing special, always quick) & he is always the same, even the first time, like I wasn’t present – where’s the seduction element of being “there” & why?


        1. HG Tudor says:

          There are a number of possibilities that explain why this is the case, but I would need more information about your dynamic with him and his behaviours generally so I can ascertain the exact reason for you. This would be best addressed through consultation.

      3. Insatiable Learner says:

        HG, is it typical of the somatic to ask during sex whether it feels good? If he is focused on himself, why does he care?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Because your response is fuel, that is what he cares about.

      4. SadSteffi says:

        Many thanks HG

  10. Caroline says:

    You guys are scaring me. For real.

    1. Narc Angel says:

      Why? Its a book, and an excellent and informative one at that. You dont have to wear the get-up on the cover or role-play!!

      1. Caroline says:

        No, the autograph on the sex book. It was a joke, NA.

        1. Narc Angel says:

          I was teasing you. It really is a great and informative read though.

          1. Caroline says:

            Ok, little angel!

  11. shawn says:

    Excellent, excellent, excellent. This is my first read by HG Tudor and I was so happy that I read the book. I can confirm that every word rings true. I’m starting Black Flag next and so looking forward to it.

    Mr. HG Tudor, can you please sign my Sex and the Narcissist book?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you and I am pleased it proved so useful to you.

      Send me an e-mai regarding your request and I will sort something out for you.

      1. Sniglet says:

        A long time ago I enquired about getting an autographed book from you too. Shortly after my enquiery you commented to someone that you do your autographs with potato prints. 🙁 I was thinking more in terms of an original signature. So I didn’t proceed further.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          E-mail me if you want one.

          The potato prints was a joke.

      2. shawn says:

        Email sent, thank you.

        On page 150 of your book Sex and the Narcissist, you mention something to the effect that narcissist regard women as “snakes with tits.” Do you still believe this?

        And, I text my narcissist, who I believe to be a mid-range, a picture of the front cover of the book. I never once talked to him about narcissism.

        However, he responded by saying “You are not seriously taking words in that book for true right?

        I told him you were speaking from life’s experience.

        To which he replied “He is obviously a very bitter man.”

        I thought him calling you bitter was strange. What’s up with that?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Yes a narcissist will adopt that viewpoint doing devaluation owing to the perceived treachery of the individual.

          Before I respond in respect of what he said, did you

          1. Send the picture of the cover of the book in isolation;
          2. Send it with a comment accompanying it ; or
          3. Send it as part of a text/message exchange?

          1. shawn says:

            In response to your question, the answer is yes to all of the above.

    2. Sniglet says:

      Ohh. Women are ‘snakes with tits’? How discourteous.
      The comment is lower than a snake’s balls.

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