The Online Empathic Target

youtube-online-empathicYou are an obvious target when you engage in on-line dating. Your profile acts as a beacon to us. We see certain phrases and descriptions which have us making a bee line for you. You may as well strap a neon sign to your head stating “Empath” because you are sending a clear and distinct signal to us and we will move in for the kill.

On-line dating websites are popular and growing. They have millions of members and billions of page views each day. There are plenty of people looking for love on the internet. Given the ease through which one can browse, select and interact with a prospective date, it is little wonder that online dating sites are extensively used. The ability to avoid having to plunge into a gene pool of who knows what in bars and clubs and other predictable pick-up joints means that firing up the laptop and tablet and settling back to see who is out there has become a major way of finding that other half. I have mentioned before that cyberspace is a major hunting ground for our kind. From apps to social media, through messaging to the dating websites, the speed and reach of technology is a huge boon to the narcissist in his search for victims. Dating websites are no exception. It is there that we can sift through the prospective victims, assessing the target and gauging whether an approach ought to be made to begin the additional fact finding about this individual and commence the seduction. Dating websites attract a good proportion of cranks, wind-up merchants, no-shows, time wasters, married people searching for some sexting and potentially more and these individuals often stand out a mile. The opening gambit of the pervert who is looking for some topless pictures of you is likely to be

“U r gawjuss, do you have nudes?”

Easy to pick that jerk out isn’t it? He won’t be one of us though. He is just an arsehole. The philanderer may well belong to our brethren but when he starts with,

“I am married but my wife and I haven’t had sex for 2 years so I am not really being unfaithful in looking for some action elsewhere.”

You know that he is looking for some extra-marital fun and being so upfront about it means he is unlikely to be one of ours. You never charm somebody by playing your B.L.U.F. – bottom line up front. Rather, in order to bluff, a far more subtle and insidious approach is required. These individuals may have narcissistic traits but they are not in our gang. They operate on a percentage basis. Keep asking for nude pictures often enough and someone is bound to agree. Keep plugging away for someone who fancies a quick bunk up and somebody will eventually respond. That is all they are interested in. They are not after your fuel. We are.

So, what do we look for when we are scouring the digital directory of potential appliances? Naturally, the cadre of narcissist affects the class traits that the relevant narcissist looks for, therefore the Somatic Narcissist will be concentrating on those who look stunning, are gym bunnies, love travel and shopping and such like. The Cerebral Narc will be looking for those who enjoy literature, the arts, demonstrate a higher education and so forth. Those class traits are highly relevant and we do look for them in the profiles of those who place themselves on an online dating site.

We also look for the empathic traits which signify to us that this person has the potential to be an excellent appliance for us and eventually maybe even be a primary source. We scour for those who have the special traits as well, which amount to a bonus. Finally, we look for indicators which tell us that you are unlikely to put up much resistance. Combine all of these indicators – the class, empathic and special traits, add in the knowledge that you are not going to be difficult to approach and engage with and it all points towards a viable target for our attentions. Not all of the empathic or special traits will be present in your profile, this requires additional investigative work on our part which we will engage in, but we will have seen enough which tells us that you are more likely than not an empath and well worth targeting.

So what are these phrases and descriptions that stand out a mile to our kind and have us converging on you? There are numerous that exist, but here is a selection of ones which are used most often.

  1. Been Hurt Before

Our klaxon goes off to tell us that you are damaged goods and therefore ripe for the taking. Somebody has tenderized you already and thus our insidious charm will meet with little resistance. You will be delighted to find someone so caring, so compassionate, so considerate and so into you. Such a contrast to the predecessor. You will not be warier for the experience but actually more vulnerable because you clearly do not recognise our kind when we come hunting.

  1. Loves animals

If you are prepared to care for a lower life form, feed it, groom it, exercise it, play with it, buy it things, pay vet’s bills and so forth, you are clearly a caring person. Nine times out of ten an animal lover is also someone who is very caring towards their own species too, there is the odd exception of course, but it is more often a reliable indicator of empathic traits than not.

  1. I’m new to this/ I cannot believe I am doing on-line dating

You have not been able to meet anybody through a traditional method and you are telling us this because you feel somewhat awkward and silly that you are doing this. Don’t worry, we will put you at your ease because guess what? We will tell you we are new to this (of course we are not) and let’s handhold on this new adventure. This also tells us that there is a degree of desperation to find somebody because you are trying to suggest you do not use this ordinarily. Well you are here now aren’t you because nothing else has worked?

  1. I like to stay in with a glass of wine and a DVD/cosy up in front the fire/ walk in the park on Sunday and go to the pub for a roast/ have Sunday brunch and read the papers together

You are a love devotee. How so? These standard phrases originate because you have watched the fabricated happy Hollywood couples in film, or read about them in glossy magazines and novels which advocate that this is the way that couples spend every evening or Sunday together. You are susceptible to being sold the ideal of how love is, the romantic and wonderful view of love and by using phrases such as these you are indicating that to us loud and clear. You want an ideal form of love? Guess who can manufacture that in an instant?

  1. Church/God/Spirituality

If you make mention of this on your profile you are exhibiting, you operate by a moral code and therefore you will have empathic traits. If you demonstrate some form of spirituality this tells us that you have a belief system and therefore you are susceptible to suggestion. This ranges from being a good and decent person through to someone who believes that love will solve every issue and problem. That mind set is appealing to us.

  1. Charity involvement

If you make mention of your work at the local homeless shelter, you volunteer with a medical charity or are engaged in fund-raising we know you are a giver and not a taker. We also know that you have significant levels of empathy and that you will go the extra mile to secure the happiness of somebody. We want that attitude directed towards us.

  1. I am a middle child/ I come from a large family

There is a good chance you have not been afforded the attention you might otherwise have wanted and thus we know that we can secure an easy win by lavishing on you plenty of the aforementioned attention. We also regard this as demonstrating that you are quite stoic individual who has been used to just getting on with things, so that having someone come along and help you and put you at the centre of things will really gain your approval and appreciation.

  1. I just got out of a committed relationship

So you have and by writing this you are telling us two things. The first is you want another one pretty quickly because you do not like being alone. The second is that you have evidently been the one who has been dumped or cheated on as you are saying you were the one who was committed and you want other people to know that you were committed. This tells us that you are keen on getting to the truth of the matter, an empathic trait and that you will stick around.

  1. I am looking for a knight in shining armour

So many bases are ticked with this one. You are a love devotee as you are sold on the idea of romantic love. You want someone to save you and therefore you will respond well to such overtures. You have evidently suffered previously and therefore you have been softened up in that regard as detailed above. You are also expecting somebody else to be chivalrous and bear the burden, which translates into you wanting that person to buy you things, take you places and spoil you. No problem, that all comes as part of the Love Bombing package.

  1. I am seeking someone who is financially secure

You have financial problems which we can exploit and/or you were with somebody who had financial problems so you want to avoid that happening again. You are attracted to success (or the appearance of success) and this is a motivating factor for you. We will be happy to factor that in for you.

  1. I am ready for a long-term relationship

You have not been able to find anybody so far, so desperation is starting to creep in. You are also a giver and believe in relationships, you want to be bound to somebody and make it work. You have just tilted your head and exposed your throat to us.

  1. I want to be swept off my feet

Another indication of being a love devotee who believes in excessive romanticism and also a key indicator that our whirlwind approach to seduction will reap significant rewards and find favour with you. You will be swept off your feet alright, you just may have trouble getting up again.

  1. I am tired of games

Again another signal that you have suffered in the past and therefore you are susceptible to manipulation. This offers us the chance to exhibit that we are honest, straightforward and reliable to draw you in and then we can commence our manipulations of you with impunity.

  1. Looking for The One

More evidence of the love devotee, someone who is ready to pour their heart and soul into the relationship and therefore you will be overflowing with empathic traits. Not only that, you will fall prey to our various ways of telling you that you are The One, Our Soulmate and The Person We Have Waited Our Whole Life For.

  1. Mention of the caring professions

If you happen to explain you work in nursing, look after the elderly, you sign for the local deaf community and so forth, this lights up that you have empathic traits and this especially appeals to the Victim Narcissist who will be looking for his own personal carer.

There are many more and we look for a selection of these in somebody’s written dating profile to confirm to us that you will have the various traits we desire and that your resistance to being seduced will be low.

Time for a re-think on what you have written?

42 thoughts on “The Online Empathic Target

  1. Kiki says:

    HG which book should i read to know more about internet dating and how different types of narcs behave. How can we detect difference between them from the way they seduce their targets? Next year i will try my Luck again on dating site. By that time i want to be wise enough. I live in a small town and we don’t have arena to meet People face to face.

    Last time i was there, i encountered some (who would show some signs of being a narc), and they would never meet me in reality.. Everytime they would cancel the dates citing that kids are ill or some such, and kept on future faking. I was never contacted by normals as i don’t fit their standard of being Perfect in sports, body or beauty. I felt that everyone were champions in some kind of sports or outdoor activities or Cultural activities.

    Now i know, thanks to you, that why only Narcs contacted me because i displayed by my Words or Pictures that i am an empath. People say that i look kind hearted from my photos.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Sitting Target, Kiki.

  2. DUTG says:

    I think another red flag is someone who tries to get you to communicate off the dating site features of chat and email too quickly. Those features are in place for your safety. I recommend setting up an anonymous email and anonymous profile name on the dating site in addition to following the good advice of HG. If someone pushes you to communicate off the site too soon, even if you want to as well, hold your ground. If they can’t respect your wish to communicate only through the dating site at this time, you may have just weeded out a narc or worse.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Indeed, see the Somatic Narcissist Online for confirmation of this behaviour being a red flag.

  3. Star says:

    Very accurate article:)

  4. DoForLuv says:

    Trough “ The mutual friends friendrequest “ I’ve been in a rollercoaster ride with a LGN 2 years that was just something else ! Even after I called him an pshycopath he would withdraw for a week and back again . And he would say if I ever try to leave he would kill me . His delusions were out off space . And that only online . The people around him in real life most be hell on earth yikes ! .

  5. Sniglet says:

    I’m fascinated by people expressing their feelings here and their experiences. Some have clearly gone through a lot of heartache which is worse than I have experienced first hand, but I have seen it done to others as an observer and felt hopeless. At the same time those narcissists protected me. Never hurt me directly.

    I dont’t know why I’m unable to express the same sentiments in my comments as others have in the same manner. I swear I have writer’s block or … something. I wanted to write a letter too, to those who could be narcissists but it’s like flogging a dead horse. No words. Nothing. Nada. Crickets. I can talk about anything else but that. I would not know what to say in a consultation with HG. It would be a long boring silence on my part unless HG is very skillfulled at probing the answers out of me. I do however understand the narcissistic/empathic dynamic so much so that I’m not afraid to meet narcissists.

    1. Narc Angel says:

      Sniglet

      So do you mean that you have experienced them more in friend, professional, or family relationships rather than intimate ones?

      1. Sniglet says:

        NA

        I just wrote you a lengthy reply and lost it all when my screen refreshed. It is past midnight now. I will have to write it another time.

    2. Kimi says:

      Sniglet,

      We have some very expressive and talented writers among us. I would love to be able to write as eloquently as many here!

      I’ve recently realized that I shut down and go silent when dealing with my Narcs; it’s my coping mechanism since childhood. I chose to do an email consult with HG so that I could eliminate that factor and mull over the background information I provided, as well as my questions. HG’s replies were very detailed, confirming and enlightening. I didn’t have to worry about the Narc-Empath dynamic or my shutting down. The consultations were very informative and for me, life-changing. An email consultation might work for you too!

    3. abrokenwing says:

      Yeah , apparently I have a problem with communicating and expressing my feelings and needs.
      I just can’t get it off my chest.

      1. Narc Angel says:

        Abrokenwing and Sniglet

        For what its worth-I think you do just fine and enjoy your posts.

        1. abrokenwing says:

          Thank you NarcAngel. You are always so kind and supportive of me..
          I’m not sure if you remember but you were the first to encourage me to start commenting here and I will always be grateful for that.
          Now I probably interact with people more on the blog than in my real life .😉

          1. Narc Angel says:

            Abrokenwing

            I do remember, and I’m glad you decided to jump in.

      2. Jasmine says:

        Sniglet, abw, there’s nothing wrong with being cautious. I tend to OVER share which makes me a prime target. It’s difficult to break those habits .. I’ve been blabbing online since the 90s

  6. Agnes says:

    Ive met my narc online but not a dating site. After a few weeks of dating he was like
    – omg I thought you were so social and that you like charity and so on!
    – no i dont, i dont care, i dont like to have many friends, people are strange.
    His dissapointment felt so f.ing good haha!

  7. Sarabella says:

    I have thought of booking a session with you but it never felt right. By the time I landed here, I knew enough and yoir writings and postin my posts took care of alot. I just needed to get on top of the emotional part and no one do that for mel. But I wrote a 16 page stream of consciousness writing about what I know to be the truth of what happneed to me. It just came out. 16 pages is alot to just “come out” last Saturday with no warning. I want someone to read it. Both to tell my story to who gets it, and who would have a sense to hear where my weaknesses still are as I know they are there. I don’t want it published anywhere though. Care to read a 16 page paper? It takes about 45 minutes to read with comprehension. It needs to go somewhere as part of me is on the edge of sending it to him, or posting it online and outing him. Both bad ideas. But I need someone to read it where I don’t have to educate anyone or risk their disbelief and finding myself defending the entire story.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Hi Sarabella, I can address this. Send me an e-mail so we can discuss further.

      1. sarabella says:

        Email sent…

        1. HG Tudor says:

          received and replied to.

  8. Becky says:

    A red flag always goes up when I meet a man who, early on, tells me he’s not into games and hopes I’m not into playing them either. I find those men play games.

    1. Sarabella says:

      Yup. 100%. And beware of the “I am not like that” anymore.

    2. Catherine says:

      Me too Becky! That’s exactly what I was told in the beginning « let’s have this honest relationship where we don’t ever hide things from each other and where we don’t play games ». At the time I felt it to be refreshing, genuine and disarming; I can’t believe afterwards how I fell for it; he started early on to be dishonest and to play games of course.

  9. Hurt&Confused (but it’s becoming clearer) says:

    I mentioned animals and charity involvement (fundraising).
    He gave me a like, and I messaged him. That’s how it began, this journey to nowhere. Going down Liar’s Lane, via Gaslight Central, taking a short cut through Denial Avenue and leading to Blame Shift Road. Not forgetting the Silent treatment motorways I broke down on, and the Hard Shoulder of insults. All just to end up in a cul de sac…a dead end.
    Part of me is afraid he will attempt to make contact, but there is also a part of me that hopes he will. I don’t hate him, I’m not angry anymore. I feel sorry for him. His life doesn’t have to be this way. But he made his choice. And I have made mine: No contact! Although I am committing some of the No contact mistakes.
    HG, I’m thinking of doing a private consultation with you, but why are your prices only in usd? Will I be charged at the current exchange rate?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      One has to choose a currency through PayPal and the US dollar was the obvious choice. It converts to your local currency so that’s not an issue for you. I look forward to hearing from you further.

      1. Hurt&Confused (but it’s becoming clearer) says:

        Got it.Thank you.

      2. Tappan Zee says:

        Because Americans can’t do math and pound sign confuses us.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Maths.

  10. Jasmine says:

    Better yet… online narc detector, dating coach for empaths, hg tudor

  11. Suzie W says:

    I’ve been entangled for 25 years. More than half my life. Now I’m getting married he is back.” I still love you. I cant believe im losing you.”

    I said, please, speak now or forever hold your peace.

    He said have a great day

  12. Catherine says:

    I’ve just usually written in my dating profiles that I love theater, a glass of red wine, staying in bed wriggling my toes reading a beautiful novel on lazy Sundays and a man who knows how to hold my hand. About time to rethink probably. I’m a romantic. But do people actually share things like that they’ve been hurt before in dating profiles? I would consider that to be off putting and way too personal. Or attract the wrong attention of course. I’m more thinking along the lines of how I would tell a new partner about what’s happened to me at all? And it will come up because I will react strongly and unfairly sometimes because of my history and I will have some trust issues initially.

    1. MLA - Clarece says:

      Hi Catherine!
      Interesting reading on what you’re trying to filter in or out in a dating profile. Like you, when I was newly divorced 6 years ago, I shared a lengthy two paragraphs about myself and my long standing marriage and what I was looking for, blah, blah, blah.
      Over time, I tried an experiment once on Match.com. I actually left the bio blank. I just put I was new and will add to my bio soon. I offered zero info. Do you know I got more hits on that then when I’ve put anything? lol
      In the last two years, if I dabbled with any dating apps, it is short and sweet. I only emphasize that I’m a one guy kind of girl and no hook ups. That seems to filter out 95% of the creeps. That’s all you have to say.
      Guys are visual and will try to message you solely if they like how you look and you don’t have to say a darn thing. Save the convo and what you want to share when you actually have someone writing in to you that you are interested in back. Save the energy. lol

      1. Catherine says:

        Hi Clarece, your experiment on Match just goes to show how most dating sites work I guess. I haven’t tried leaving a blank myself, but on the other hand I’ve tried in the past to write an eloquent text and leave my picture out and it has the complete opposite effect: hardly no answers at all. Ha ha.. Otherwise I’ve always been the somewhat sweet romantic with a quirky twist on the side on the dating sites I think, and I’ve written too lengthily most of the times, but I always tried to avoid too private information. I like personal, not private. And even though I love animals the men who clutter their profiles with their cats or dogs instead of pictures of themselves never get an answer from me;)

        But you’re right. Short, sweet and to the point does the trick and filtering out the creeps sounds nice. I still get completely overwhelmed even thinking about enlisting on a dating site though; but at least I’m considering it which feels like a step forward. It feels like such an emotional effort even to be available to someone else again; to start from scratch, to be vulnerable and to get to know someone else and to eventually have to be open about my past and the abuse I’ve suffered. Ha ha.. I dont think such a story is a turn on exactly in the world of dating. Not that I would tell it in the beginning anyway, I just feel anxious about the whole thing so I’ll wait a bit longer. Still I long for love.

        I’ve read through your comments a bit of your story and it seems like a true rollercoaster of strong emotions. Do you feel that you’re ready now to open up to someone new again?

        1. MLA - Clarece says:

          Hello Catherine! Thank you for your thoughtful reply. I found myself starting to answer and then having to keep re-evaluating how I wanted to answer. I find online dating apps and sites too superficial with expectations way too high. I also, personally find it really off-putting if say, I’ve exchanged a bit of conversation with someone and I ask them what it was that made them message me or swipe right (depending which site) and the only answer they can offer up is “you look hot in your bikini” or “I loved your blue eyes and the red lipstick”. My “beach” pic is with my daughter and not a pinup type picture. lol After everything I’ve been through, yes, you can’t come out of the gate talking about your past abuse and history of mental duress by the previous narcissist. My God, who would ever get that even? But I can’t even deal with such shallow responses. I actually tend to go silent. lol
          Am I ready to open up to someone again? Definitely tricky territory. After having much longer stretches of no contact with JN over the last year and avoiding the dating scene to focus on myself, I am finding that I am very conflicted with how I viewed “love” from the way I was brought up in a strict Catholic family and my track record is to always put others before me and trying to blend that with a more healthy give and take type relationship with boundaries up for myself. I want someone to put the work in with me. Not just me. Which is definitely my past. I don’t know if I know how to filter that out the right way yet.
          But I can tell you this. I miss having intimate love in my life. And I know after 5 years of infertility and one miscarriage, when I finally got my daughter, (my one hit wonder as I like to call her), I vowed and promised to make each day count with her. I’m present with her. In tune with her. In sync with her. She knows she is always protected and loved by me. I don’t ever take that for granted what I was blessed with. So far, knock on wood, we seem to have a really tight bond. I’m on the brink of the teenage years, so we’ll see, but no day goes by without positive love and reinforcement and through every age phase, getting on her level to communicate.
          If I get lucky and blessed enough to get a second chance at love, with someone truly invested back towards me, they will get that same fierce and devoted love and I would never take it for granted. That’s what I can offer.

      2. Narc Angel says:

        NA first online dating attempt.

        Ok Clarece and Catherine say:
        Not too much information about myself.
        Not too lengthy a profile.
        No talking about ex psycho encounters.
        No divorce or marriage talk.
        Hmmm………

        I know!!!!!

        Hi. Im NA and I swallow

        (Phone blows up)

        Piece of piss

        1. MLA - Clarece says:

          Jesus H. Christ NA! I’m trying to filter out the douche-bags, not create a grand march up my front porch…lol
          Trust me, you wouldn’t like what that bio would yield.

          1. Narc Angel says:

            Clarece

            Haha.
            What?

            No one said you had to deliver on said claim. They seldom do.

            Twilight

            If youre here and reading-sorry about your keyboard.

      3. Catherine says:

        Ha ha.. NA, that’s brilliant, short and to the point. Right now I would be more like:

        I’m Catherine and I need to be left alone.

        A real turn off would be:

        I’m Catherine and I’m in therapy.

        The latter would ensure the former.

      4. Twilight says:

        Narc Angel

        I just about died laughing

        Keyboard safe and sound….this time

      5. Catherine says:

        Clarece,
        Thank you for your answer; it’s made me reflect on so many levels. I agree with you on the nature of the dating sites. I used to think that it was just harmless fun before, but it’s tiring to have to wade through a whole lot of shallowness to maybe find one true person in the end. I’m not ready for it yet; sometimes I’m afraid I never will be. I’m six months out of my relationship and the stages of grief still leave me exhausted at times. Most of the time I feel quite strong now and I’ve learned to control my emotional thinking more and more, but there are times when the pain resurfaces relentlessly; usually all of a sudden when my guard has somehow been let down. Still I’m managing and I think the person I’m grieving most of all now is myself. I feel such emptiness, like there’s this void in me where all the innocence, the joy and the laughter used to be. I know it will pass and I’ve come to terms with it taking the time it has too, but the thought about being vulnerable again, opening up to someone new, having to get to know someone new is more than I can handle right now.

        You describe the love you long for beautifully; that’s exactly what I want too. Not to have to put in the effort in the relationship by myself; to be in a reciprocal relationship where my feelings and thoughts are to be considered as well. I didn’t grow up in a Catholic environment but I do understand what you mean. I’ve always considered my needs to be inferior to those around me, I’ve transformed myself time and time again to fit with what was expected of me and I’ve always needed to gain my self worth from external validation; I need to be loved for who I am in the future. There’s so much to figure out I guess, but your descriptions of your love for your daughter touch my heart. You do have true love in your life.

        1. MLA - Clarece says:

          Hi Catherine!
          Yeah, fun and dating sites don’t mix. Some of the scary profiles I see swiping make me think I’ll contract finger herpes or something. Lol
          Thanks for writing back. You’re on a good path. I wish I knew how to convey what I want the right way should someone come along who is interested. But I don’t right now, so I just choose to stay back.

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