The Narcissist’s Social Media Laws – No. 7
This is not a meme – it is the truth.
75 thoughts on “The Narcissist’s Social Media Laws – No. 7”
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But Lisa you run the risk of feeling guilty later, and the narc will use that against you. I hope you see that when you do not provide him with any attention, you are getting to him. He’ll try harder and harder to let you see you are not getting to him. That he’s out partying and having a blast. If you block him, he may block you back. Like a child really. When you act like him by playing games, he looks down on you and considers you inferior…’poor Lisa, still falling for my silly games.’ Don’t supply him with any fuel by going no contact. At first it might seem you are going no contact to strike him, but the blessing in doing so is eventually with persistent no contact you find you can taste food again, your sense of smell returns, you find clarity in your daily thoughts and interactions. I’ve been where you are and understand. It’s the emotional thinking as HG says. Don’t do it. You’ll be mad at yourself later for wasting time for net 0 or worse loss of yardage in the narc game. Get off the roller coaster. It just makes you want to toss your cookies in the end.
I totally understand what you are saying however this is a multi pronged issue. We have many common friends and I don’t want to do anything to cause him to start running his mouth
“So are you saying there’s nothing I can do to cause him to prompt him to take me off the shelf?” – question asked
HG answered: “There are things you can do to influence it happening but there is no guarantee you will succeed.”
Question for you HG, what are these things? Would you be so kind as to elaborate?
@Lisa. There is no reply option for your last post, so I hope you see this message. I went through a stage of wondering if I were the narcissist in my relationship, too, because I would try to beat him at his own game… I thought maybe we both were and tbh, sometimes I still wonder. BUT… I think if you even have the introspection to consider whether you are the toxic person in the relationship, then you can’t be a narc. The narc will firmly believe he is righteous and will never even consider that what he is doing is hurtful to others because he is simply getting what he needs… almost like a starving person might not think stealing food is so wrong. He wouldn’t survive without it.
All this to say…. the no contact is for YOU, not for him. Your goal is not to punish him with it. Your goal is to get yourself OUT of the toxic situation. You will not teach him any lessons with stringing him along and then surprising him with no contact. Trust me, he already believes you’ve seen the pictures. I won’t say he actually knows you’ve seen them because he can’t “really” know that, unless you mentioned it to someone who might have told him…. never doubt he has lieutenants and some of them might be your closest friends helping him without knowing they’re helping. However, he is positive you are still watching his social media or he wouldn’t bombard it with the posts meant to bait you.
I tried so hard to make my ex see how much he was hurting me because no human being, moreover no Christian (as he so loudly proclaims to be) can knowingly treat another person with such harshness. I wanted to make him hurt someone the way he had hurt me. Sounds like you’re trying to do the same thing… just to make him see how wrong it is so maybe he won’t ever do it to anyone else. But he WILL do it to someone else… probably already is. You can’t teach him not to be what he is. If you string him along and then disappear out of the blue, you’re giving him ammunition to smear you with. He can rightfully say you played head games without, of course, acknowledging that he did it first….You’ll set yourself up for worse treatment in the end.
But let’s say you follow your plan and surprise him with a disappearance. Will you then feel the need to see if your lesson worked? Will you check in at a later time to make sure he got the message? Will you continue to check his social media to see if he is pining for you? That’s what I did at first. I was no contact and he should be devastated. Instead, he appeared to be having the time of his life. He didn’t learn any lesson at all from my attempts to show him how wrong he is. He just rolled merrily along and I was left angry. The one time he did post something about missing his best friend (insert eye roll) he got sympathy comments for days. They know how to work it for fuel. It helped me to remember that the Facebook him is just as fake as the actual him, but it still hurt to see that he isn’t even fazed by the loss of our relationship.
When I finally accepted that it didn’t matter to me what impact my no contact had on him, that I was leaving a house that is on fire and not looking back because there was nothing I could do to put out the flames, I was better able to ACTUALLY institute no contact.
My narc actually unknowingly gave me the key to what truly hurts him a long time ago… he said, “The worst punishment you can issue a man is to totally ignore him.” When he said it, he never thought I’d punish him with it, but every time I ignore one of his little hoovers or smear campaigns, I remember his words and I smile a little bit knowing that he sees my indifference as punishment.
I hope this doesn’t come off as a lecture. It got longer than I intended… but you sound JUST like I sounded about a year ago. Maybe I can save you some trouble. KEEP READING here! HG’s posts have helped so much and the other people in the forum are amazing. Just yesterday I was at an all time low and a thread on here had me laughing til I cried. Just knowing there are others in the same boat helps some. Hang in there!
****I wanted to make him hurt someone the way he had hurt me.
should read “I wanted to make him hur the way he had hurt me….
What a horrible error! (even though I read these posts 50 times before posting, I still find errors post-submission….. this one was too bad not to fix! 🙂
Believe it or not I’m no stranger to this. I was in a relationship with a borderline/npd for 5 years when I was young. This one is covert and presented completely different so I didn’t see it I knew there was something wrong he would get horribly uncomfortable and angry if we had to discuss feelings. My first narc could discuss feelings all day long. He just mimicked them. This one was uncomfortable day 1 with it but would on ocassion in the beginning of the seduction. I know you can’t really beat someone who doesn’t care but you can drop them on their head unexpectedly. I just want him contacting whereby I will let him stew a bit or give him neutral fuel free response. then buh bye narcy nar been real and been fun but not real fun
If they remove you from social media group but have not blocked you what does that mean?
Depends on your dynamic with the narcissist – is it romantic, social etc? Depends on your position in the fuel matrix.
Romantic ipss I believe. I could contact and he would respond but about 3 weeks ago told me he was “talking to someone else so I was done. I was upset them just quit communicating with him. I had him blocked then I unblocked sent him a message saying I’m good he says he was glad I’m ok. I said I agree w his decision to move on 2 days later he removed me from that group but we are in other groups but he doesn’t admin them
To briefly explain background both of us married but an emotional affair began 2.5 years ago.online A month ago I ask if he was engaging with someone else. He said yes, but we haven’t been talking long. That’s when all communication between us stopped. I blocked then a week later I said I’m ok with his decision. He said he was glad I’m ok. Since then no communication. He removed me from his group and I also notice he doesn’t participate on threads I’m on in other groups we both particpate in but i don’t comment on anything he’s on either. I used to communicate with this guy everyday but I have not been blocked. wtf? Is the devaluation or discard? Can someone help me?
Lisa,
Mine unfriended me but did not block me. It’s all a mind fuck.
Well we have been unfriended except for a fake fb acct I had but don’t use for a ahile. The latest development is I find out that this guy who lives cross country is down here partying jn my neck of the woods only a few hours from me posting all over fb. I have given no reaction or indication that I know. Can someone tell me if I’m discarded or about to be? All of this is so confusing
More information is required to provide an accurate assessment, this should be done through consultation.
HG is this discard/ dis engage or devalue?
Is what Disengage or devalue?
Telling me he is “talking” with someone else. Telling me he’s happy I’m ok then showing up in acity only a few hours from me partying his ass off. He knew that would hurt me. Is this deval or disengage? We have spoken once in almost a month. We used to message many times a day every day but since he told me there was someone else I do not message him except the once fro tell him I’m ok . Is this disengagement?
To be accurate this needs to be done through consultation. From the brief information provided, you are probably a Shelf IPSS and you are currently on the shelf being provided with the occasional comfort crumb.
Yes, Thank you HG that was my initial thought too. I think I maybe the Super Nova Empath. I sometimes feel we are competitive with one another. To me I feel he’s been passive aggressively screaming for fuel from me which I refuse to give.i sometimes detect a competitiveness with him. I find myself wondering if I’m the Narc as will engage in some of the same games which seems super nova empath like . If im on the shelf I have to wait this out until I can get the upper hand right?
No, you go no contact.
I’m going to go no contact, but I don’t want to at the moment cause he will know I have seen the pictures plus I just unblocked him a week ago. I’m trying to just remain silent. Ill admit I want him to hoover in which case I’ll string him along a little and then bam out of the blue and no contact will be instated. I swear sometimes I think I’m one of you
A narc won’t care or possibly even notice for awhile that a shelf ipss has gone no contact right?
May not notice initially. If the narcissist wants to take the IPSS off the shelf but is unable to do so, there will be a response from the narcissist which depends on a number of factors.
Malign in nature? God this shit is fascinating. How do you get off the shelf? Is he monitoring your social media while you are shelfed. How long till they notice you aren’t contacting them anymore and is that of concern to them?
Possibly although not usually at first.
You go no contact.
Occasionally.
Varies on what else is occurring in the fuel matrix.
I guess what I mean is how do I get him to bring me off the shelf so I may have the last word in this ? Is there anyway to get him to take you off the shelf ?
Why? He is a narcissist. Obey the golden rule.
Wanting the final word is your emotional thinking making him engage with you.
HG here’s the weird thing I saw those pictures and initially it stung them an evil grin came over my face as I knew he wanted me to see them. I grinned and thought nope you get nothing. No reaction. So are you saying there’s nothing I can do to cause him to prompt him to take me off the shelf?
There are things you can do to influence it happening but there is no guarantee you will succeed.
Since you do not want to give a reaction why then do you want to try to make him take you off the shelf? (I know what it is, but I am interested to see if you know and you can reconcile and apply what you read here._
I think its a feeling of wanting to win which is emotionally driven. I think im still emotional battle 1. I want to tease him with fuel and then deny him. What’s your take ? Cause like whatever your take is his is the same
You are seizing the power, through that recognition, good work.
Do you concur with my assessment of myself? HG thanks for taking the time. I must say you are a fascinating guy
I’m a realist. While I talk all big and bad, I know there is a chance probably a good one that if he takes me off the shelf, I become entangled again even knowing what I know, but I still feel like I want to do it, but I do have an aversion to contacting him. My pride won’t let me do it. The momemt he said he was “talking” to someone else a switch flipped in me and I can’t bring myself to contact him at least right now I can’t
HG I have no basis for this but I always felt this guy watched me far more than I watched him. I would often have different men coming on to me online in groups and such whereby if they didn’t know i belonged to him he would immediately pop in and let them know I did. He’s said I don’t know why I bother with him that I have plenty of guys around that are nicer
Lisa, I’m constantly shelved and my Narc continued to monitor my social media posts until he eventually unfriended me. Not blocked but just unfriended. His page has been a total ghost town.
HG
Comments in moderation
Do you think this warrants a brief address of the priority process in the Rules or About section so that people can be directed there when the question is raised?
Thanks NA, it is already there as Rule 13.
I suppose if we cannot prove it.
Even if we did, they would still deny and imply we are wrong.
HG, why not just admit to the blocking and reap the negative fuel that ensues?
Or is it more satisfying to have the appliance doubt themselves?
The need for superiority causes compartmentalisation and the re-writing of history so that the denial of blocking is perceived as a truth by a Lesser or Mid Ranger, hence it is said. This also benefits by drawing fuel (you cannot accept this is right), you persist in trying to get the truth from us (truth seeker trait – you provide more fuel and remain engaged in the interaction), it may have the consequence of undermining your confidence in yourself and thus has a wider impact than making the admission.
Further, the admission would amount to ceding control to you and a diminution in superiority (unless there is another reason which overrides those concerns so making the admission reaps a larger benefit) and thus the denial is maintained.
Thank you so much HG.
That was extremely informative.
I never even considered admittance to gain negative fuel would also be perceived as loss of control.
Great information in this reply. Question HG: are there rules and guidelines for us on what we post? I saw a discussion going on somewhere about 2% being held up in moderation. I’d ask there but I can’t remember where I saw it. I see a few of mine still are pending and am wondering if I violated the rules? I read the rules for you, but where are the rules for us?
Please don’t gaslight by saying they are not pending lol as that would trigger me / piss me off. Thanks HG.
I do not gas light here. If I state they are not pending that means they are not pending which will mean that the attempt to comment failed (WordPress glitch, internet connection issue etc) or they may be in the spam dungeon (the spam filter sometimes catches legitimate comments).
Once again, if your post has not appeared it is highly likely this is because
(a) I have been busy about other matters and not had a chance to moderate;
(b) It is a long post and therefore I have not had chance to read it;
(c) You have asked questions and I will address those when time enables me to do so; and/or
(d) It is not clear what you are referring to – for instance comments which start “Why is that HG?” because they refer to another post (but that other post is not in my moderation pane) so I will have to go to a different window to see what you were referring to, which again is time consuming.
It is only a very, very small number of comments which are deleted because they offend the rules and at present it is one serial offender whose posts are being deleted and nobody else’s. Yours gave not offended the rules DUTG, they are in moderation for the reasons stated above.
HG, but I thought it would have been funny if you would have said my posts were not still pending (of course letting your readers know it was a complete joke) given that I asked this under the, “What? You’re not blocked!” discussion.
And your response gives more evidence to my recent being a Middle Ranger. How would a Higher respond to the scenario?
Thanks HG. Was only kidding about you gaslighting here. I see you run this place very professionally and adhere to the posted rules in place for our safety. No worries about the the length of time to respond. You stated somewhere you are a one man show. I was mostly concerned with violating any rules here. I am somewhat new here and hadn’t seen any asides from the ones for you.
May I request you not post the ones that are still pending? The pattern with those (and what I was concerned with rules violations) is that they were a tad specific (maybe too specific) to my personal situation. Maybe my successor is out here and would recognize something, etc. I’m sure there’s some kind of phenomenon, where a victim still feels paranoid or thinks other posters were also victims of our own narc specific narc.
Thank you HG.
Noted, no problem, I did not want any misunderstanding.
Yes the Army of One comment is in Rule 13.
Request noted, no problem.
Blocking victim on one device is gaslighting ? Phone calls , or only on Messages app and accusing victim for blocking “Narc”. Or say they send Messages (but you don’t received it) to get more attention from victim ??.
Blocking a victim in itself is not gas lighting, but might be part of gas lighting.
For example, the narcissist blocks you on device. You see the narcissist and mention you tried to contact him but you could not and ask if you are blocked?
“Oh not at all, there must be a problem with your device or maybe the server was down.”
This is a lie and is intended to cause you to doubt your initial conclusion that you were blocked (which is what actually happened) and thus you start to question your reality to the extent you do not know whether you are coming or going or what has happened and what has not happened.
Yes this really happend . Your example haha I was so confused and blaming myself . He was enjoying the fuel I guess . But it did trigger my emotional thinking . So I didn’t trust no more.
Something else I was thinking ? are Greater less likely to block individual than a Mid – Range or lesser.
All else being equal, that is correct.
Ha ha he did that with likes, I asked him about it. I told him he could make up a better lie then the one he did. Then walked away. He pissed me off by lying to me.
Gaslighting thru social media is the worst. In the early days when wed use yahoo to chat vs text he would constantly say he didnt get my msgs or hed say he sent replies but i didnt get them and he would supply screen shots as proof. I googled apps that can insert text in msgs that werent there and sure enough there was! I cant be 100% sure this was the case but based on other behaviours itd line up that he had done this. Thats the insidious thing about gaslighting it creates confusion and makes you second guess yourself. Now i step back from the confusion and it doesnt matter proving one thing if theres been multiple others that are narcissistic in nature.
Intelligence???
NOT
Infantile manipulation.
But narcs are adorable.
😂😂😂
Mine never said this to me. He unfriended/unfollowed me but didn’t block me. He said looking at my posts was “too much for him to bear” and he “couldn’t take it anymore”. Feel free to decipher that one. 🙄
Deciphering… . . . . . . . . . . Yep he is still married. His beautiful, intelligent wife is onto him. He needs to support his family and be an excellent husband and father but someone else out there is hell bent on destroying a marriage.
Why won’t you tell his wife what you two have done?
“Why won’t you tell his wife what you two have done?”
Believe me I have thought about it. But what exactly will that accomplish? She didn’t leave him when she found out about my predecessor.
Hi Sniglet. Your comment was interesting to me!
Almost a year ago, I met someone online and when I figured out his real identity (name, age, etc) and the fact that he was married and his wife’s name, I printed out his 3 dating profiles, went to FedEx Office and faxed them to her work anonymously without a note. They were all removed hours later, have not reappeared and their house remains off the market. I am so glad that I did this and not just walk away like people strongly advised. Their relationship is none of my business, but I would have wanted to know if I were her. Fortunately, he has left me alone. Maybe he doesn’t know who did it.
Kate
You FAXED them?!
Hi Kate,
Excellent. You have guts and you didn’t fall for his bullshit either.
If I were the wife I would definitely want to know the truth too and manage the situation accordingly. Kate, the guy may have left you alone for now, but he may reappear. Stay vigilant!
Kate
That was wicked cool. He got busted. He he he…
Gabbanzobean – Decipher him unfollowing your social media because he couldn’t bear to see your posts anymore? You know I love ya, but what were those posts? They were memes, daily, talking about your heartbreak, being hurt by someone who makes no time or acts like they don’t care about you, having someone killing you emotionally by going silent on you, letting pain devour you because you’re addicted to it even though you want happiness…I told you there and I’ll tell you here again, you were flooding that on your page when he was telling you he wanted space. I told you then and I’ll tell you again now, if you do those kinds of things publicly putting out the state of your affairs with where your head and heart are at, the person who is the culprit of that is not going to stick around to see the aftermath. He did exactly what I knew he would do.
Now he isn’t seeing that and look who hoovered recently?
This wasn’t a matter of he couldn’t view your page anymore because seeing your pics with friends / family / at work etc., were too painful. He was viewing the memes you were putting up specifically harpooning right at him for how he was making you feel. Of course he’s going to shun that. C’mon, you know that.
Those were his words, I applied those words to anything and everything posted. And if those posts were giving him “attention” though, why shun it? Probably just to make it look like he feels “guilty” (which I’m told he doesn’t feel guilty). And yes he’s been hoovering with offering phone calls to me (like the good old days). Last week and again this week. He knows how much I missed that.
He needed to “shun”, avoid, cower, take cover (or whatever you want to call it) because those posts in particular were aimed directly at him during a time frame you felt abandoned by him thru his cruel actions and you were relentless in trying to making contact following that last visit. I think he was scared shitless that you could very well expose him to his wife and he had to create distance between you two and save your messages as “evidence” that you were pursuing him. Him dismissing completely being a willing participant. You had no gun to his head.
Now that there has been a cooling off period, you gave him his space, he saw that you did not go so far as to vengefully expose him to his wife, the coast is clear for him to resurface.
He is ridiculously transparent. I will say this every time until you grasp this… Who gives a fuck at this point if he’s a Narc or what school of Narc. He is a sorry, worthless excuse for a man, husband and father with his continuing lying and cheating. No honor. No integrity. Raise yourself and your benchmark for better treatment for yourself. I’m truly cheering you on, but you have got to rip off those rose colored glasses.
Gabs, allow me to decipher:
Those were lies he told you to manipulate you for fuel (woe is I; I can’t do this anymore, a.k.a. pity play). He didn’t block you because he wants you to contact him, begging, pleading or yelling for his “love”, which translates into delicious negative fuel since you are in devaluation.
Corrective Devaluation.
I keep hearing this “corrective devaluation” thing over and over. How long does a “corrective devaluation” continue for anyway, or is it just kind of ongoing forever?
He went from never calling me anymore to calling once a week now. He went from having that “flat & robotic” tone of voice to being pleasant and engaging. He even has resumed saying “I love you” to me (which before was “I don’t love you”). I feel like I am living in some weird twilight zone almost. Yes it is narc opposite day.
What this hell is this? It is definitely not how it was in the beginning but it is not nearly as horrendous as it was 2 months ago. Does this mean that another (or others) are getting the nastiness?
No, it is a one-off act – it might be shouting at you, it might be a silent treatment for a few days, it might be hitting you. It is designed to get you back in line PDQ with the minimal amount of effort applied.
Well, due to the distance I have never encountered any physical violence. The only “shouting” I have had to endure has been via text. Silence treatments though? Yeah….plenty of those!!!!
I have been wondering why all of a sudden he is reaching out and being so pleasant. My birthday is next week so maybe that has something to do with it. It’s also been 2 years since the start of our relationship, again another possibility. He also was bragging about his upcoming show in a few months. And he wanted to “invite” me. So yeah I have been invited to his show. Now keep in mind tickets are on sale to the general public so anyone can go but he called me to “invite” me. Yes this invite came after “I do not want to see you”. (eye roll)
Gabbanzobean
Remember, they love to ruin or ignore birthdays, anniversaries, and special occasions except in the golden period. You are not in the golden period and never will be again so what do you expect will happen?
Narc angel,
I do not know, I was looking to see what would happen. I figured he had some angle and I realize now it was to pimp out his show. While he was pleasant and not rude, he didn’t really want to catch up with me. He just wanted to “invite” me to his show. I guess he wants the audience full of his admirers. 🙄
That picture scares me. Like a spider in it’s digital web.
Come into my parlour….
I’m in your parlour I guess. And I’m getting good help here so I’ll be staying around watching intently all those screens of valuable information you’re allowing me to see. Being scared of spiders won’t scare me away.
Jolly good.
Im not afraid of spiders.
Oh…wait……is that me in the upper left corner?
Better get the Raid.
The picture reminds me of that movie ‘Sliver’ with Billy Baldwin and Sharon Stone. It sure is a great representation of how technology has increased their ‘avenues’. Back in the old days, it must have taken a great deal more money and effort to be a narc, handwritten letters, long distant phone calls from land lines. They must have had to employ many, many lieutenants. I often felt like my emails were just form letters with “insert new target’s name here”. Of course there is the copy/paste feature. It’s really awful.
BTW, that picture is really how I see HG after reading his one post about all of the screens lighting up with fuel, etc. etc. Cannot remember what that post was called.
Each Little Acon stabs a little harder…the truth can hurt.