I Want

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What goes through the mind of the Greater Narcissist when he has decided that he must unleash his malice against some transgressor, some traitor, some disloyal appliance which has affronted him in some way? What does he want when the harsh and cruel machinations are about to be deployed against his or her victim? What are his thoughts as he bears down on the one who now represents everything that he despises? Whether they have escaped him, exposed him, challenged him or some other capital crime against the nation-state of narcissism, the Greater Narcissist’s dark mind goes into overdrive. This is a glimpse inside to understand what he wants.

I want you to know that only I know. I want you to know that your wounds are self-inflicted. I want you to feel the ice coldness of your bed at midnight. I want you to hear my voice everywhere that you go. I want a controlling interest in you.  I want my face to appear even when you close your eyes.

I want you to walk in heavy chains each and every day. I want you to touch the scar so you remember me. I want you to always understand how hungry I am for your fuel. I want you to always feel my baleful gaze on you. I want you to glance my reflection in the window and feel that knot of fear in your stomach. I want you to feel my hand on your shoulder even though there is nobody there.

I want you to scream and realise that nobody is coming. I want your world to implode. I want to know how much you hate me. I want to know how much you love me. I want you to know only that which I want you to know. I want you to learn the cost of loving me. I want you to know that my malevolence is just a way to win.

I want you to see me broadcast your secrets far and wide. I want you to understand that the sweetest condition is to be with me. I want you to be knocked to the ground by my thunder. I want you to be shackled to me by the sound of my voice. I want you to realise that compassion is over-rated. I want you to come begging for me to stop.

I want you to know that evil can be so handsome, I want you to feel what it is like to have the grasping hands come from nowhere in order to pull you apart. I want you to watch the light disappear.

I want you try and lift you head, but all I shall see is you exposing your neck I want your world to implode. I want to see you isolated. I want to see the hope in your eyes so I can extinguish it. I want you alive because then there always remains future possibilities. I want you to run but then realise that you cannot.

I want you to now know the true meaning of hurt. I want you to grasp what you have done to me. I want you to experience betrayal. I want you to feel the earth giving way beneath your feet. I want everything you once knew to mean nothing anymore.

I want you dazed. I want you confused. I want you not knowing left from right. I want you stumbling in my footsteps. I want you blundering in the fog that I breathe around you. I want you calling for help and hearing just an echo.

I want you to understand that dreams can be crushed. I want you to never know the truth. I want you to be buried alive by my lies. I want the heavy, dead weight of your guilt to pin you down.

I want you to confront me and fail to understand how you are just giving me what I need. I want to watch your defences crumble. I want you to find that everything is black or white. I want everything to taste like ash to you. I want you to understand what it feels like to be controlled by another. I want you to pray for salvation from me. I want you to seek salvation at my hand.

I want you to hide just so I can come and find you. I want you to try and wipe away the smears and to watch the panic as you find nothing is removing them. I want to see you swallow your own lies about me. I want to hear your terror down the phone line. I want you to shout for me to just make it stop. I want you to give me what belongs to me.

I want you to understand that the darkness is everywhere. I want you to pay the price for your treachery. I want you to find what you once had and give it to me again, for one last time. I want to see that smile vanish when you know it was me. I want your day to begin with me and end with me.

I want the clouds to cover your moon. I want the steady drum of rain drops to mask my approach until I suddenly appear besides you. I want to know where you are, all of the time. I want your dreams to dissipate and for me to rule your nightmares. I want your thoughts to be about me and me alone.

I want you to understand I will not stop. I want you to realise I am unstoppable.

I want to watch you lose control.

I want you to lose.

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67 thoughts on “I Want”

  1. Good grief this is scary as hell. The narcissist feels that way about you forever? It never lessens!?

    The LGN is the one I feel the most compelled to get revenge upon. His facade is shiny platinum even though he lashes out, people forgive him. He is giving of his energy to his appliances and always seems to be “helping” them. He talks very quietly to women so they get next to and stand very closely to him. It tricked them into feeling intimacy. It was really something to watch him charm. Quite beautiful.

    I appreciate and head your warning here. I might make a savage strike before I move away but I need to live here for now. This is terrifying and keeps me from finding any entertainment in the hoovers. I’ll be looking to consult with you on all of my relationships individually. I have many questions.

  2. This is what i feel right now about him:

    I want to see you screaming endlessly because your great magnificient facade is crumbling

    I want to see you panicking because all your treacherous appliances have abandoned you

    I want to see you cough and choke on your lying toungue

    I want you to know that i’ve always knew of your evil scheme and that it would fail

    I want to see you grovelling at the feet of putrid appliances because cannot find good ones anymore

    I want you to scream my name every night because i am the only one that has never betrayed you

    I want to see you shocked and frightened when my gaze pierces you to the core

    I want you to feel my gaze scorcing your soul

    I want to see you tormented by your own demons inside

    I want to see you running in circles beating the air like a mad man

    I want you to feel the anhilation of your being

    I want you to feel abandoned and rejected

    I want to see you falling on your knees begging God for mercy

    i want you to never forget who i am

    I could write more…
    i think my narcissistics traits are coming to the fore now.

  3. I want…to not feel guilty anymore.

    I want…to finally do 3 things I need to do:

    1) forgive myself that at age 19, I did not protect myself emotionally – unable to detect that the 34-year-old man I began an unhealthy, tumultuous 3-year relationship with was a narcissist.
    2) forgive myself that his controlling ways led me to leave him…even though he was the first man I was ever intimate with, and even though I loved him deeply.
    3) forgive myself that today, I cannot allow him back into my life in any way – no matter what he says or does.

    I can’t heal him…but I can heal myself.

    And I want to.

  4. Poor puppy, he probably would have loved you forever if you had helped him. At least you are being honest about it, Cruella.

    @ ava101,
    That was disturbing to read. I’m sorry you and the bunnies had to go through that. 🙁

  5. Wow, after reading this, I seriously want more empathic people in the world. These thoughts describing the inner reality of a narcissist remind me of a living hell.

  6. I want you to know how I used to relish the idea of your sick, twisted mind turning against you, torturing you, pushing you over the precipice into fits of rage, anger; keeping you up at night plotting, planning…
    While I enjoyed doing all the things I wanted to do, the WAY I WANTED to do them, WHEN I wanted to do them
    I want you to know that ignoring you—looking right through you without fear—is easier than I ever imagined.
    I want you to know my knowledge is my power
    I want you to know that all I feel is joy from the peace I’ve found in life, everyday since the day I learned that all I had to do was simply walk away…..

  7. You want your transgressor defeated, crushed and destroyed.

    HG this piece is as beautifuly written, as it is ominous in tone.
    It has an intoxicating building of fear.

  8. HG, here’s a hypothetical scenario for you:
    You find an injured puppy and you are in a position to help the puppy. However, you will never be able to tell anyone about your good deed. No one will ever find out about it.
    Would you:
    A) help the puppy.
    B) Ignore the puppy.

    1. Most likely ignore the puppy however if I was in the seduction period with a dog-loving target I would contact them say their expertise was needed, let them handle it and since I cannot tell anyone about it, she can do so instead as well as being delighted by my behaviour.

      1. I should have been more specific. You cannot contact anyone. You, and only you, can help the puppy.
        Do you still choose to ignore the puppy?

      2. Oh you had your chance, should have been accurate the first time!

        (I ignore the puppy).

      3. You are always thinking, HG!
        My narcissist would do similar things. He’d call me up to proudly tell me how he helped a stranger change a tire or loaded the groceries for a little old lady. It reminded me of a little boy bringing home a star on his report card. He simply needed the recognition, and I was happy to give it to him. I found it endearing.

        Dammit… if they could just be faithful.

        I just now listened to Sen. Rand Paul speak of the ways the US government is wasting money. One example… $500,000 to a study to see if taking selfies makes us happy.

        After hearing him present many appalling examples of misuse on CNN, it got me to wishing…. for more awareness of this condition. I wish we could fund more studies to understand narcissism as well as the issues from the other side, my side.

        I wish we provided more education to our youth BEFORE they start dating. We need more studies to learn of any potential prevention. And of course, we need information regarding better management of such.

        I guess I better get busy writing. (It won’t be my first letter.) Thank you, HG, for your role in bringing light to such a serious cause. Sincerely.

      4. My exexex and I found a bunny which was hurt, the paw and its mouth. Someone had just put it out in the parc, amongst the wild bunnies, and had fixed the paw with some regular tape … but domesticated pet bunnies cannot survive in the wild …
        we took it to the vet and then home, …. and then it died. 🙁
        My exexex agreed to get baby bunnies then, and we said one was his, one mine. He never really cuddles or cared for his … 🙁 not attention at all.
        We broke up then (not because of the bunnies) and when I went out to meet other people he would always emotionally blackmail me about the bunnies. He claimed that he took care of them all the time, but when I was away and came home for a bit longer, they never had anything to eat, not cleaned up. …
        But when we moved out, he used them all the time to vex me, told me I couldn’t have them, etc., but then left them all by themselves behind in the flat.

        I had them then I found with my new boyfriend (who is supposedly a mid range narc … .cerebral …) and garden for the bunnies and he took actually great care of building them an area in the garden, etc.
        He didn’t care though I they had enough space, etc. 🙁
        He always was dependable to feed them, and luckily it was him who found the first bunny dead and gnawed at by rats … he took care of it all. He also took the second bunny home, but didn’t care that it was scared to death on his balcony by itself.
        So, he was nice to them, but not feeling. 🙁

  9. I want my life back. I want my innocence and my sweetness to shine through again. I want to listen to the wind rustling in the trees and feel simple joy. I want to laugh at silly things and read a whole book without losing my focus. I want to wake up with a smile on my face as the sun shines through the curtains in the bedroom in the morning. I want to have my coffee at the corner coffee shop and linger for awhile watching people pass by. I want to try on a new dress and actually feel happy buying it. I want to drink a glass of wine without crying. I want the thoughts of you to go away. I want this emptiness inside me to be filled with all the colours in the world. I want you to never have happened to me.

  10. An empath suffers twice reading that: for them and for you…
    It’s really, really said, beyond any possible words.

    1. Hello Holly,

      In my bed, eyes closed, I occupy the left hand side of the bed (based on if you were sitting in the bed looking towards the foot). I prefer to lie on my left hand side.

      I sleep soundly. I am untroubled by conscience.

      1. HG Tudor,

        ‘In my bed, eyes closed, I occupy the left hand side of the bed (based on if you were sitting in the bed looking towards the foot). I prefer to lie on my left hand side.

        I sleep soundly. I am untroubled by conscience.’

        Smart Ass!

        I used to sleep on the left side on my left side. It is a king size bed. I have it to myself, yet, about 6 months ago, I didn’t do so consciously, I started sleeping on the right hand side, on my right side, no longer curled in a fetal position, but stretched full length.

        I do still wake suddenly, but not fearful anymore.

        I still can’t recall dreams.

        But as I recall you saying, HG, you don’t recall dreams, Or rather you think you don’t dream.

        I used to dream vividly.

        Do you ever recall remembering dreams?

      2. Hmmm, you favor your left side. Is that the side your mother would snarl her criticisms down your ear on?

  11. I want amnesia. I want to erase the last year and a half from my life.
    Since that’s not likely to happen…

    I wanted to smile again when I look at myself in the mirror ……. Last night I did. My first genuine smile



    Thanks for helping xx
    love, me

      1. Thank you Twilight! XO It was a great feeling!! 💖 💖💖 happy happy joy joy!

      2. Jasmine

        Yes, it is a joyous moment for you, and many more to come! Keep putting one foot in front of the other and build a path that blooms!

    1. Amnesia… perfect.
      I think it that were a viable option, I’d go for it, even if it meant losing a few other memories from that time period. Great post, Jasmine.

    1. Me too.

      I want you to know your magnificence is not threatened by my existence. I want you to feel the self-confidence that is yours through your incredible works. I want you to be self-sufficient, to allow us the same. I want you to choose to trust, not so you know betrayal, but so you can experience connection. I want you to let go of the paranoia that says no one can be trusted. I want you to know you can trust me.

      1. Nicely said NE!! I echo those sentiments. We end up grieving what we know they could have experienced besides for our hurt and loss.

  12. What does it mean when a narcissist after disengaging hoovers you saying “I text you because I like you, I really do. You know I hate people but you are one of the few that I like and so I text you”.

      1. It’s been 3 months since he disengaged and as far as I know he tries to seduce another victim (hard to say how successful he is with this person, I can’t say if they are already dating or just testing the waters).

  13. is This what they do when you reject them and escape? Cos mine won’t even speak to me on the phone to sort out the house which I’m leaving shortly . He keeps blocking and unblocking me and is acting like IM the one who has done something terrible ! I rejected him after his 6th Houdini act when he tried to come back after an 11 day silence . Sick of it and decided enough ! This is a 5 year relationship and a shared home for the last year and half which I’m in the process of packing up and leaving . Is it major injury that’s causing him to be so vile??

    1. A Greater operates this way as per the article.
      His behaviour is predicated on your now being painted black as a consequence of your treachery. Your rejection of him will have either been wounding or Challenge Fuel – dependent on how you did it.

      1. Thank you for your reply . Fast forward to a week ago and I have fully escaped , moved out of house having still not seen or spoken to him . All communication was by text (at his choice) . He left me with all the bills and removal costs saying zero apart from don’t text me ever again . So you believe he is a greater ? I had him as a mid ranger but now I see you are correct. I’m well rid and trying to recover from his actions. Basically I would usually always take him back but I’ve gone a step further and totally put an end to everything ! Thank you once again for the reply .

  14. This is what I want:

    I want to die so that all of the people who feel I have stolen from them will have their youth, talent, and beauty restored to them and they will no longer feel enslaved.

    I want Peggy and Anthony to be restored to health and happiness.

    I want to give up my life so that Peggy and Anthony can have what they believe I have stolen.

    I want to give my youth and talent to Peggy so she no longer has to suffer.

    I want Anthony (or whatever his name is) to have his penis restored and his body made perfect.

    I want all of the people who have ever met me or known me to be given back their youth and beauty and talent that I have somehow unknowingly stolen.

    I don’t want to control anyone. I heard that I am the only one who doesn’t have to work and that I making everyone else work for me…

    I don’t want people to have to work. I don’t know where all the money is, because I only ever have $40 to $100 to get groceries…

    But Peggy is saying that I am forcing her to bring me money while I lounge around in a hotel room and she suffers from maladies caused by my evil thoughts.

    I do not want to hurt my mother or ex husbands any more with my thoughts or words.

    I don’t want to live in this world where my body hurts and everyone hates me for my thoughts that are ruining the positive thinking that everyone is trying to use to restore the planet.

    I have begged God for release from this life many many times.

    I don’t know why I haven’t been able to die yet.

    I don’t believe in suicide because I believe that is a soul violation. So I can’t kill myself for you, and I also don’t want to feel the pain of more attempts on my life… but I am being told that my mind is powerful enough to control millions of people and force the entire world to work at my command…

    So I think I should be able to will myself to death, especially if my soul can go somewhere else and that would make everyone happy and restored to peace and love.

    I am not holding onto this body. It hurts. I don’t want another body here either… I just want my soul to go somewhere else.

    I’m ready. Someone said that whatever I type into this device will come true.

    I want to give up my life so that others can stop feeling anger and so that they can have their youth and talent back.

    If that will help the cars stop driving and the planet to be restored, I will gladly go away.

    I don’t want Peggy to suffer any more blackouts or seizures because of me. I want to make sure that she becomes the beautiful, talented woman that she was before it was stolen from her.

    I want to give all the talent and youth back to all the women and all the strength and focus and intelligence back to the men.

    1. Dear A Person,

      I don’t understand your situation, but it sounds as if you are going through a difficult time. Many of the circumstances you describe seem to be issues that are out of your control.
      May you find the serenity to accept the things you cannot change… the courage to change the things that you can… and the wisdom to know the difference. (Trying to quote The Serenity Prayer… just in case I butchered it.)

      Don’t hold yourself responsible to that which you hold no responsibility. Bless your heart.

    2. Dear A Person,

      Your note was very touching. I am sorry that your body is in pain while you feel alone and are being told that you are a burden on others, as well as being ready for a difficult life to be over. I understand! I am sure that you are overwhelmed! Try to think of happy times you have had and the details of that moment. Take good care of yourself and I hope you feel better!

    3. I don’t know if it helps you to hear this but I understand the weight you feel because I know what it is like to have your every waking breath ruled by guilt. So much so – that I have found myself frozen in place, at the kitchen sink – during the simplest of tasks because of having once endured a time when I lived (and functioned) without access to running water. What caused me to freeze up was (in a situation where I was thankful for the simple luxury of running water) was being caught between the guilt of the amount water I was using to wash a dish (and it’s environmental repercussions) and the guilt of leaving the dish for someone else to clean.

      I remember thinking: what in the bloody hell? Normal people do not function like this. I don’t deserve to function like this.

      You have to know that no one person can carry that weight. And no one person bears that much responsibility and accountability. You have to hold on to that reality – even it that means simply reading the words of someone else telling you it is so. Just hold on to it long enough to slog through it and the weight will begin to feel lighter. And you will begin to see clearer…

      Take care.

  15. Dear Mr Tudor,
    That was so spellbinding, raw and deep, my hairs stood up and gave me goosebumps.
    Thank you for the privilege of allowing us to see you from your world

      1. Mr Tudor,
        If you would be so kind as to give me a list of your itinerary, so our paths don’t cross, ta, that would be great. 😂

        Being the emphead that I am, I’m sure if we did meet, I’d have nothing but praise for all the good work that do you …. wouldn’t want that, would you 😂

  16. I want to escape.

    Scary stuff HG. But these reminders help me stay on course. Actually… after reading that, I lost the temptation to glance back during the getaway. (I just hope it sticks long enough to gain some serious footage.)

    Yikes! You definitely don’t have any trouble expressing your wants.

  17. I want you to know that I will be polite but short should I bump into you on the street – I am on my way somewhere, even if it’s just the next block. I want you to know that I will be polite should you call my office via the switchboard number – I am on my way to a meeting, even if it’s a meeting with my next sip of coffee.

    Although I already know what you want right now, you will not know how I feel about you. You will not know if I even feel anything about anything. You will not know what I know or don’t know about you. You will not know what I know about your kind. You will not know what I’ve been up to since we last spoke. My internet presence has gone dark, and I am on my way somewhere now and can’t stop long enough for us to ‘catch up’. You will not know if I still live at the same address. You only know that I’m at the same employer because you were able to fake your way through the switchboard.

    But I do want you to know I am a neutron. I do want you to know I am not an electron. I do want you to know I am not a proton. I know you just asked me something, but I wasn’t paying attention as my thoughts were elsewhere. I am on my way somewhere. Take care now. I’m always polite.

    1. And I know you think you know because I know you think I do not know about your lieutenants, about your drones, about your ‘special’ and ‘superior’ tactics. I ‘know’ what you expect my inferior class ‘to know’. I know how to play so that you think you always know more than what I know. I ‘know’ this about you. I even ‘want’ you to ‘win’. And regardless, I don’t give a shit to be honest. My self construct won’t self destruct either way. And I know you’re on my shelf should I ever grow that bored in life again.

      1. DUTG,

        I enjoy reading your posts! DUTB – drown under tub girl according to the Urban Dictionary. Just curious?

      2. Thanks Kimi! It’s ‘Dizzy Up the Girl’ because, well, that’s what they do and why we’re here.

  18. Light will always triumph over darkness because inside everyone is an undefeatable spirit even you you did not crumble you just chose to move further away from the divine energy source of the universe which is lightness and to dwell in darkness I am going through one of the darkest times of my life my mother is back in the hospital family is fighting my daughter is on the verge of flunking school my stress levels are through the roof and I just left a narcissist he didn’t break me and life will not break me
    You can choose despite your predisposition to hatred to move towards the light u can choose to forgive all your enemies foreign and domestic real and imagined you can choose to practice loving everyone for a day even if its fake buy flowers for an old woman you pass in the street buy some toys and hand them out to needy looking children volunteer in a soup kitchen pretend to be an empath write a huge check to a charity call your old primary sources and apologize whether you mean it or not go on a Buddhist retreat hand out money to the homeless practice living in the light

    1. Hi ugotit…i agree it is a choice. Your childhood isnt but in adulthood its a choice how you treat people and im not saying this in a judgemental way bc ive made some terrible choices in my life but theyve been choices.
      You pose an interesting question can one develop empathy from doing? I know in the buddism ive learned this is a belief that by doing you develop but can that be the case with empathy? Narcissists particulaly dirty angels do many of these kind acts but do so from a narcissists mindset to gain attention and accolades yet they dont attain true empathy for others. Im not sure its possible but why not do it even if you dont care about others. Just do what you know an empathetic person would do even if you dont want to. The selfish self steps in and puts an end to this sadly.

      1. I don’t believe a narc can gain empathy by doing good my sister is a nurse with zero empathy and I know a woman narc on Facebook who does endless charity and posts on Facebook but attacks anyone who disagrees with her politically has zero empathy and smears everyone who disagrees so ur correct on that I’m just curious however since narcs don’t feel bad when there is a trajedy such as 9 11 I’m curious specifically how would they react if they did a good deed would they get that tingle of happiness inside like we do most never try so I don’t know my challenge to hg would be to do some good deeds and see if he gets that warm feeling inside probably not I’d love to know though and I’d love him to pretend to be an empathy and see what the results are

      2. No, we gain fuel from the approval, gratitude, praise etc for doing the good deed.

  19. I want you to stop provoking me. I want you to know how it feels to walk on eggshells. I want you to feel insecurity. I want you to feel uncertain of your control over me. I want that smug look off your face. I want to be able to trust you. I want you to be one person only. I want to go back in time and make different choices. I want you to want me like i want you. I want you to stop always be there. I want the games to stop. I want you to really truely care. I want you to stop lying. I want you to not be a narcissist. I want you to not be selfish. I want to stop being scared. I want security. I want to be in control. I want so much you can never give me. I want a life without narcissism. I want a break. I want clarity. I want my life back.

    1. Well said, narc affair.
      I think you have just expressed what many of us want.

      I want the truth. I want to know what made you this way. I want to know why you are still on that dating site, with that fake location and fake age. I want to know why. I want to know everything. I want to disect you. I want to understand.I want to fix myself. I want to help you. I want you to understand. I want you to want to change. I want you to be truly sorry. I want you to stop hiding. I want you to stop being a coward. I want to move on now.

  20. Exactly! This is what I want for him– this is what he is going through now! SuperNova Revenge is so sweet- especially when you have learned from the best- ‘Him’ and HG— thank you so much!
    I loved it so much I read it again and smiled.
    Now, I have a nice man on his way with a bottle of chilled Chablis– so I will leave you with this wonderful message and read it as this is what is within YOUR power to do to him- if you wish! If you are stronger than I –
    you will smile, turn your back and walk away with your head high and never speak with ‘it’ again. I am not so strong!

  21. Exactly!!! What I am now doing to him. I was smiling reading that! I learned from the best- Him and HG! Plus the landmines are not getting blown up…. yet! Oh boy SuperNova Revenge is great– especially with ‘expert training’! Thank you HG!

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