The Five Devaluation Triggers

 

You will be familiar with the fact that one day you are cock of the walk and the next day you are a feather duster. You are atop the pedestal and in a flash you have been thrown from it and you are lying in the dust as we stand over you berating you. The sudden switch from hero to zero, from princess to pauper, from “good person” to “bad person” is perhaps the most confusing, bewildering and upsetting part of our behaviour. People cannot comprehend why they were being feted as the love of our life on Monday and then by Tuesday they are the devil incarnate. It is something which causes (and of course we want this) victims of our nefarious behaviour to cling to us in order to get an answer, to receive an explanation and some kind of reasoning which will allow them to make sense of what has happened. They are unlikely to accept it, the emotional hold of the seduction and the golden period prevents acceptance of this sudden fall from grace for a very long time, but if you are able to understand why it happened, you are able to move yourself forward with greater speed than you would otherwise. Our reasons may appear illogical to you based on your world view but at least you have some reasons and that is more than you would usually ever receive from our kind as we plough on with your devaluation offering no cogent or realistic explanation for this sudden switch. I am not explaining why we devalue you (fuel, control, reinforcement of our need for superiority and self-worth). I am explaining what is it that makes us love you then hate you in the blink of an eye. What causes this sudden change, this 180-degree swing, this volte face, this switch? You will be given no answer or if you are they will not be anything to do with the real reason why we suddenly idealise you then devalue you. This false reasons are wheeled out to make you remain all the more, pursuing an elusive point as we continue to drain you of negative fuel until we decide you are to be discarded. Thus, here are the five reasons that are the triggers for the devaluation.

  1. Stale

The fundamental reason for seducing you is to gather your potent and positive fuel. In the beginning and for some time afterwards we are invigorated by this precious fuel that you supply to us. We are reliant on it, we want and need it and we marvel at the fuel you provide us. This may last months or it may even last years dependent on our demands and your ability to fulfil them. Your complacency however causes the fuel to become stale to us. You may not regard yourself as having done anything wrong. We understand that according to your view of how a healthy and mature relationship should progress that after a dizzying, honeymoon period the relationship moves to a deep-seated position where that initial buzz of excitement has faded to be replaced by something long-lasting, substantial and fulfilling. Should you appreciate your relationship with us with this mind set, it results in us seeing you as complacent. You may regard it as a natural and understandable, indeed potentially necessary progression. We do not. Your failure to admire us in the way you once did (or at least the manifestation of this admiration), your demonstration of love, adoration and such like becomes lessened. You may not think that you love us any less but it is the way that appears to us that matters. This change manifests as complacency to us and it makes your fuel become stale, less potent and this in turn threatens to weaken us. In order to defend ourselves we must immediately switch to the devaluation and extract the negative fuel from you which will power us to the extent we want and demand.

  1. Disobedience

Our sense of entitlement, inability to recognise and respect boundaries and huge need for control means that we have to have you do what we want. This control arises through the application of the incentive, the carrot approach, when we have seduced you and the golden period is in play. Through the application of wonderful and loving behaviour we cause you to do what we want by providing fuel and carrying out our wishes. We have delighted you and you want to please us in return. We provide you with the love you desire and you respond by complying with our requirements. When you stop submitting to this benign control then we will switch and commence the devaluation. You may, when viewed objectively by others, be correct in not doing what we want, taking an alternative course of action and doing something else but to us that is irrelevant. You are challenging our control and this cannot be countenanced. In order to stamp out this uprising before it gains traction and undermines our careful operation that has been constructed to control you and gain fuel from you, we must tighten our control, remove the dissent and increase our grip on you. This is when the devaluation begins. We move from benign dictator to malign tyrant.

  1. See Through

If we apprehend that you are working us out. If we perceive that you have been influenced by another source and you are joining the dots. If we gauge that you are beginning to realise what we are and what we are doing, then we must strike first in order to shock and awe you into submission once more and dispel your fabrications. You may well be right but we are not going to accept you being right. We will switch to the devaluation in order to unleash all those manipulations which will confuse you, drain you and most of all make out that it is all your fault. We have done nothing wrong other than love you with a perfect love and instead you have brought this on yourself through your lies about what we are and your treachery. We cannot allow you to unmask us and therefore we will assault you with a frenzied devaluation which gives you no option other than to try and defend yourself so you lose sight of your goal of seeing through us. We will make you feel guilty, cruel and heartless in the hope of tapping into your empathic traits so you stop what you have been doing and concentrate on putting things right between us, mending the relationship and showing that you care. The commencement of the devaluation when you are uncovering what we are is a massive distraction exercise designed to protect us and harm you.

  1. The Hoover Opportunity

This is not a hoover against you. Instead it is the opportunity which suddenly arises to hoover a predecessor. This person may have been dis-engaged from and moved away from our sphere of influence or they have escaped and done likewise, but now something has happened whereby they have come back into our sphere of influence. The promise of that sweet and powerful hoover fuel will outweigh the positive fuel that you are currently providing us with. The prospect of getting this hoover fuel means that we want to focus our attention on the predecessor and hoover them. We will not get shot of you, not yet, because that will leave us in in-between primary sources of fuel. Instead, we commence the hoover to seduce again your predecessor and thus because they have appeared on the horizon they make you look like the less desirable option. This causes us to question why we are with you, to regard you as a mistake and therefore we switch to devaluing you as we begin the seduction of them once again. Should the hoover fail, expect the golden period to be reinstated for you, with another sudden switch. Should it succeed and we begin to tie the predecessor back to us once more with the hoover fuel beginning to flow, you can expect the devaluation to worsen as you hurtle towards being dis-engaged from.

A sudden switch to devaluation may indeed herald the fact that a predecessor has appeared on our radar and we are hoovering that person at your expense.

  1. Total Control

You are aware that we want to control you. This is fundamental to the dynamic between us. Yet, as a further example of the double standards that we engage in we want to control you and if you disobey us we will commence your devaluation but furthermore if we believe we have obtained total control over you then we will similarly commence your devaluation because we know that you will do anything that we want and we will just use you to validate ourselves in the event that other, more exciting prospects do not fuel us during the course of the day. You become relegated to the reliable and dependable, because you are actually doing precisely what we want, but through our warped logic, this equates to you no longer being special. Thus we need to make you special to us once again and we do this through devaluation. We will not cast you aside when we have achieved total control, not at all. This state of affairs brings with it considerable benefits but they will now be channelled through the filter of devaluation and not idealisation. It is symptomatic of the bizarre (when judged from your perspective) logic we apply that when you finally do the very thing we want, we turn against you and begin your devaluation.

How do you deal with all of this? The short answer is you cannot. Any of these five reasons may suddenly apply without warning and your devaluation starts. You cannot avoid it and you could not avoid it. You did nothing wrong, but you did everything wrong from our world view. There is nothing you can do to avoid this happening, because once the trigger happens, the devaluation will follow. The thing you can draw the greatest solace from however is that in knowing this is how we are, in knowing that there was nothing you can do or you could have done to have changed the outcome, you at least now have this knowledge and through it you can attain freedom from the doubt, uncertainty and sheer bewilderment of wondering why it happened.

107 thoughts on “The Five Devaluation Triggers

  1. Taryn Lichenstein says:

    Thank you. I have hurt so much for so long, and your words have provided clarity, and have given me an understanding of what may have happened, and I am grateful .

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome.

  2. RealitySetsIn says:

    Good article! Very helpful in realizing the hopelessness in maintaining a relationship with a narcissist. You just can’t win! And your damned if you do damned if you don’t. Thank you for this!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome.

  3. Empress1 says:

    I am confused here (maybe time for another consult). My narc ruined my Christmas with his new IPPS who he was parading around and I was certain he married her (not so sure now). Anyway I went cra–cra–crazy on him was texting, calling etc. Then I went away for a holiday with a friend (yes, just a friend- but one who is very wealthy and witnessed my meltdown at Christmas and HATES my narc and wanted to ‘teach’ me how I deserve to be treated- nothing sexual) …..Anyway when I came back my Narc started blowing up my phones, dropped in to see me (we do not live in the same city). I finally went to his town to see him (but really to gather evidence for my Revenge SuperNova…..Now he is calling three four times a day– I answer his calls every third or fourth day (simply because I am nosey and want to keep in touch to see if one of my landmines have gone off)…..
    Now, my gut- I should listen to my gut more— my gut tells me they are no longer together, either he dumped her or the other way around.
    This is the interesting part (hence why I might need a consult) I am teasing him, telling him he best not eat too much, do not forget to work out–I am poking him! Letting him know the other guy is spoiling me– .The narc sent me the listing for his new home in Phoenix and I told him it was ugly- and why does he need a tennis court he doesn’t even play- the rocks around the pool remind me of the Flintstones– “Oh I have to go- someone is calling”..
    I am enjoying this— I am saying it all with a smile– letting him know he is so smart for the newest business venture—- and he is not leaving me alone.
    So, sometimes do Narcs, like getting teased, being told indirectly they have competition? I mean I just went through all the above and now with my new ‘saucy’ attitude towards him— he seems to be loving it– the challenge perhaps?

  4. Caroline says:

    Dear Sniglet,
    Somehow, even when you wish ice cubes up NA’s nose, you still sound cute.

    Dear NA,
    Don’t snort ice cubes up your nose.

    Love,
    Caroline

  5. narseeker says:

    HG, unfortunately you will find this boring, as well.
    However, I would appreciate if you could address this (excuse my English)
    I have been wondering for months: isn’t your IPPS “essence” too good to be true?
    1. She is not your wife: we would think about you in a different way, were we to learn that you are married for, say, 25 years.
    2. She has no idea of your other life here (blog, youtube, 8 million hits, etc.): You and all of us share a “Secret wink” regarding her.
    3. You do not share ongoing cruel acts towards her (and thus we can keep feeling ethical, e.g. wishing you well and wishing and convincing ourselves that she is not depressed, confused, and wanting to die at this precise instant)
    4. You do not share children with her (or with anyone else). People would feel differently in the case of a neglected/abandoned/un-loved child of yours.
    5. The women depicted in the pictures of your articles are all of splendor beauty, and this enables us to mentally associate you exclusively with beautiful/young/sexy ladies.

    It seems that “She” embodies all the required elements for “HG’s” effectiveness. Is She a facade? Or is she real?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      She is real. She is there for the provision of key information.

  6. Narc Angel says:

    Better to ask why she would want to marry him if she is experiencing devaluation. She may have “aims” of her own but of course a narc never thinks he may be getting played also.

  7. Insatiable Learner says:

    Clarece, why would HG be putting a ring on it if he is getting the prime aims for free? As the saying goes, “Why buy a cow, if you can get milk for free?”

  8. Julie Petkovska says:

    Once you accept that HG is always right and we should not care as to why he thinks his relationship is stale, Life is peachy.. Im sure she is getting some wonderful benefits..so dont feel too bad for her 😊
    To him it is and thats all that matters.
    HG are you meaning to Triangulate these 2?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Triangulate which two?

      1. Julie Petkovska says:

        NA answered the question 😊

    2. Narc Angel says:

      Julie

      If you mean Sniglet and I its not working on my end.

      1. Sniglet says:

        Awww NA. You know I like you and would never wish you a nose injury. Back to friends? (… until next time) Hugs! wink

        Agreed. Triangulation is not working.

    3. ava101 says:

      Don’t feel too bad for her after her enduring this for way over a year now?! Being in a relationship with a narcissistic psychopath who thinks nothing of abusing her?

      What kind of benefits should that be?

      Let her go, HG!

  9. Narc Angel says:

    HG

    “She wont stop asking questions”

    Made me snort my coffee.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You got it!

      1. Sniglet says:

        It appears you both, HG and NA, missed ‘the point’. Too bad you’re not snoring coke NA. The ice cubes would get stuck up your nose.

    2. Nina says:

      I tried not to comment!!

  10. Steven says:

    Once again you’ve cleared up and made sense out of one of the most devastating experiences I endured at the hands of my Narcissist! Except then I didn’t know who she was and what i was dealing with. I know now that all my attempts to make sense of her behaviour was fruitless! It still affects me to this day, years later! Now I know!
    Once again! Thanks!

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome.

      1. Insatiable Learner says:

        HG, with the IPPS, does the continuing provision of a particularly important to you residual benefit delay devaluation or only dis-engagement?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Disengagement only.

      2. Insatiable Learner says:

        Thank you, HG!

    2. RealitySetsIn says:

      Yes….I can totally relate! Years later! Sucks so bad!

  11. Jasmine says:

    Mine was #3. I started to figure him out. I always knew he was trying to manipulate me somewhat, I just never expected it was for a bad purpose. I never imagined he would hurt me. But I do hold myself responsible too.
    Denial and excuse took over after that.

    1. geyserempath says:

      HG: Words and numbers…she’s providing tips for having a flutter on the gee gees? lol

      1. HG Tudor says:

        Absolutely – lump it on Prince of Darkness to win at Sandown tomorrow, 12-30 race

      2. DUTG says:

        I’ll save you all time and translate for us across the pond. She’s very quietly observing the horses in training, relaying back to HG in massive doses, and he’s determining where to place his bets in the UK Kentucky Derby. Sounds like Prince of Darkness is a good bet.

        1. Narc Angel says:

          DUTG

          Thank you. I thought she was trying to instruct him how to fuck on a golf course.

      3. Catherine says:

        Ha ha.. NA, I’ve heard that all the action is at the 19th hole; my narcissist even used to call me that the bastard..

    2. geyserempath says:

      HG:

      Is it true that the disengagement is for the IPPS because the IPSS may have an extended golden period even though she may have completed the elements required even if a suitable replacement is found?

      1. HG Tudor says:

        Both IPPs and IPSS may be disengaged from.

  12. Becky says:

    How quickly does the staleness kick in? 6 months?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It varies. Usually 8-18 months, sometimes sooner, sometimes later.

      1. Nina says:

        HG, is it the same time frame for IPSS? Thank you!!

        1. HG Tudor says:

          No, the fuel is unlikely to go stale with an IPSS owing to the intermittent engagement.

      2. Sniglet says:

        Are you getting close to the staleness period with your girlfriend now?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Already there.

      3. Becky says:

        Why don’t you see your IPPS’s less frequently, so they don’t go stale?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Not viable, the fuel provision would not be sufficient.

      4. Sniglet says:

        Bad news for her. Is she sensing your boredom? What’s your plan with her then?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          She does not recognise the boredom.

          She provides a very important residual benefit, so she remains in play.

      5. Sniglet says:

        What kind of residual benefit? We know it’s fuel but what exactly is it?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Fuel is not a residual benefit, it is a separate element of the prime aims.

          Information.

          1. Becky says:

            A potential tax break?

          2. HG Tudor says:

            Ha ha no.

      6. Sniglet says:

        What type of information?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          The type that comes in words and numbers.

      7. Sniglet says:

        Money? Are you after her financially? Is he giving you hints and tips on investing on the stock exchange?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          No.
          No.
          Thrice no.

      8. Sniglet says:

        What type of information? You put it out there so be honest. You do realize that you may have contributed to her staleness. Maybe you are not giving her what she wants and she is holding back.

        Are you also stale?

        Back to the information. What type of information aside from the obvious words and numbers? I want that information too.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Information which is of considerable use to me about certain people.
          She is not holding back, not at all and I am not stale.

          You do not need the information, it is of no use to you.

      9. Sniglet says:

        Why are you bored with her exactly?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          She won’t stop asking questions.

          1. Becky says:

            About?

      10. Sniglet says:

        Frizzled, flat, dull reason.

        I sense she is getting bored with you too!

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Went over your head dear Snig!

          She’s not. Here’s why – I see her, you don’t. Further, she’s still very much engaged.

          1. MLA - Clarece says:

            Let me guess, she keeps asking when are you going to finally put a ring on it? lol

          2. HG Tudor says:

            Well worked out – amongst other matters.

          3. MLA - Clarece says:

            Oh boy….
            And if you aren’t going to put on a ring on it then it turns into the line of questioning –
            Why are you wasting my time if you can’t see a future with me?
            Why am I wasting my time with you?
            Why don’t you love me back as much as I love you?
            What do I have to do to prove to you I’m not your ex-wife?
            I’m outta here… is that what you want?
            What do you want?
            What do you mean I’m pressuring you?
            Don’t you see a future with me?
            Don’t you want to make a hundred babies with me?

            I can run with this all night HG. lol

      11. K says:

        GPS coordinates.

      12. Sniglet says:

        No. It didn’t go over my head. You referred to me with your comment. And I referred back to me that I am getting bored.

        You gotta keep up Dear Tude.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Good try but you wrote “she” not “I” and the “too” referenced my boredom with her and your suggestion she is bored with me. You also attacked my response by describing it as flat etc this missing the joke. You weren’t referring to yourself. I’m untroubled dear Sniggers I rather like you.

      13. Sniglet says:

        To a point I referred to your g/f. Then when you switched gears that she asked too many questions in reference to me. I switched gears too and referred to my own boredom of you. You switch – I switch!

        Keep up!

        You’re getting slow in your old age, HG but I still like you —- sometimes.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Didn’t read that way.

          1. Narc Angel says:

            Sniglet

            C’mon!

            For the record I replied immediately after HGs response and before I got yours. No need to wish me a nasal injury.

      14. DUTG says:

        Word salad. I thought you were both being funny but right now I want you both to knock it off so you can both get back to helping someone here who may be desperately trying to untangle themselves from a narc.

      15. Sniglet says:

        It did.

        Anyway. You said that she is very much engaged. With you? It can be taken a couple of ways.

        Are you two engaged and planning a wedding? Would congratulations on the engagement be appropriate?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Engaged as in committed to me but not engaged in the formal sense of engaged to be married.

          You remain always welcome at Tudor Towers my dear Snig.

      16. Brian says:

        She asks you questions like ‘where are you going?’?
        not
        ‘what is your opinion on the pound vs euro?”

        1. HG Tudor says:

          A combination of questions about me and my views, along with plenty of other matters.

          1. Brian says:

            Oh, I thought you would enjoy telling her your opinions on things

          2. HG Tudor says:

            I do. When I choose to.

      17. Sniglet says:

        Thank you, HG. Always kind and welcoming. Resurrect the Sniglet Spire with gargoyle spouts on top of the Tudor Tower in my honour. Then it will be well worth the visit.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Ha ha, fair enough, although as you would expect the only thing that sits atop the Tudor Tower is me, your spire is lower, off to the left.

      18. HG, is there a point when you’ve collected all the words and numbers you need from her about certain people, or is it a need for information that has no conclusion or end?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          There will be an end point.

      19. RealitySetsIn says:

        HG
        So but basically the staleness comes from the victim becoming more calm and less excited about the relationship…which then causes the narcissist to feel less loved and satisfied because of that calmness from the victim. So it’s not because the Narc himself has become bored….but it is rather reactionary of the Narc to the victims behavior. Is that right? So if the victim were to keep up the enthusiasm of the beginning which is highly unlikely because of the nature of humans and relationships in general would the narc still get stale feelings? And I just realized I have been calling the partner of the Narc a victim! Oh well I find it fits. I will not correct it.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Hello RSI,

          No, the staleness comes from the victim behaving towards us in the same way so that the positive fuel loses freshness and potency. Thus as you query, if the victim keeps up the enthusiasm, the staleness will occur.
          Where the victim becomes more calm and less excited this means that the quantity of fuel drops and/or the frequency drops – these also being reasons for devaluation to commence alongside the issue of staleness.
          You are damned one way or the other as IPPS to receive devaluation.

          1. RealitySetsIn says:

            I see.🤕⚠️🔚💔🧐☠️No win!

      20. Sniglet says:

        No! I don’t want that.

        Anyway you should marry your girlfriend. The only reason you won’t make an honest woman out of her is because you cannot find a better woman than your current girlfriend. If you had, she would have been out the door last year. You are aiming too high. Perhaps, you’re expectations are unrealistic.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Incorrect.

          There is no need to marry her. Marriage provides no gain over and above what I already now have, thus it is a redundant act.

      21. Sniglet says:

        Alright then. This marriage subject is settled and very simple. You are not interested in marrying your current girlfriend because she is boring and you already have everything you need. You have women on the side and she has not found out about them which still gives you some intimate excitement. Presently you are using her for sex, information and gaining access to higher societal echelons through her network connections. When you’ve infiltrated it all, for your own personal and professional needs, you will end the relationship with her and the same cycle begins with another woman. Got it. Next subject.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Pretty good assessment.
          The IPSSs are there for fuel, potential character traits and potential residual benefits (not purely “intimate excitement”)
          The IPPS is utilised for those elements but further ones also.
          Disengagement may occur at the completion of those elements that you have identified or when completed and a suitable replacement is ready to be crowned.

          1. Becky says:

            Oh man…too bad for this girl…and I bet she thought this was really gonna go somewhere.

          2. MLA - Clarece says:

            Sadly for Kim, she is probably purchasing Matthew Hussey’s (“the Love Guru”), books and videos on “attracting and keeping Mr. Right”, “how to make your man crave you and trust you”, “dating tips for attracting love into your life”….
            All in thinking she can fix this situation since HG has invested this much time in her.

      22. Sniglet says:

        If I or another used you, pulled a you on you, you wouldn’t like it. You would be wounded and infuriated.

  13. analise13 says:

    HG, do you find staleness in fuel and relationship the dominant cause for devaluation of your partners?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Of IPPSs ? Yes.

      1. analise13 says:

        Yes, primary partners. Thank you.

  14. Insatiable Learner says:

    HG, I know your word alone should be sufficient and I don’t mean this in a disrespectful way, but where the person you, in my consult with you, identified as a narcissist (in fact, you said there was no doubt in your mind), I myself started suspecting of being one a long time ago based on my previous short encounter with another narc, and later, learning (without any contact) that his now ex-wife of many years identified him a narc, what are the odds, he is not a narc after all?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      He is a narcissist.

      1. Insatiable Learner says:

        Thank you, HG. Why my disbelief and how do I accept it?

  15. Medusa says:

    Thank you Hg, as always your writings come when I need guidance … I have spent horrible days questioning … by your words I know you do not value the feeling of friendship, but in the distance I send you a hug from a grateful friend, you have been my lighthouse that takes me back to the mainland …

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I appreciate the sentiment and you are welcome.

      1. Medusa says:

        I wanted to say “I’ve had horrible days questioning myself” … as I mentioned that my English is basic, apologize.

  16. DoForLuv says:

    I was so busy with finding out why and what happend . Last couple off months that I was even more obsessed when I knew he was a narc (again!!!😑😒🤬) and “understood” after I woke up out of his illusion that he created . So focused on his way of thinking actions next move . That I forgot what I was thinking and what I’am like and how to enjoy life . I’m so happy again and releaved .

    I really love the end of this “ that there was nothing you can do or you could have done to have changed the outcome”

    That sounds like freedom to an Empath
    Life goes on…

  17. Becky says:

    I would think as a sadist you would prefer the devaluation stage.

    1. shawn says:

      I think he’s changing.

      1. Becky says:

        A narcissist change? That’ll be a first!

  18. jenny says:

    Your words are making me strong !

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Seize the power!

  19. geyserempath says:

    HG: My Narc’s IPSS works beside him all day and they flirt, then spend the lunch hour together, then interact on FB. Can fuel also become stale with an IPSS if there is a lot of constant engagement between the two of them?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Yes, it can albeit this is unusual.

  20. shawn says:

    I’m busted!

    “If we apprehend that you are working us out. If we perceive that you have been influenced by another source and you are joining the dots” (HG Tudor, 2018).

    After I texted my narcissist a picture of the front cover of HG’s Sex and the Narcissist book, I have not heard from him…Lol.

    Which is fine because he is the grand master of hoovering.

    Thank you HG Tudor. I was getting a little tired of pretending that I didn’t know what he was anyway.

Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Previous article

Beautiful and Barbaric

Next article

Achieving NoFuC