Death

DEATH-2

 

It is fair to state somewhat euphemistically that death is an inconvenience for everyone. In respect of my kind and me, it causes all manner of problems and issues which are especially irksome. Death generally only affects people in two respects. Their own death and the death of other people. Our responses to those two aspects are far-removed from that of the reactions of ordinary people and especially those of an empathic nature.

First of all, how do we regard the death of someone else. The demise of a stranger causes to response from us unless we realise that in order to maintain the façade that it would be advantageous to say “the right things” and come out with those empty platitudes that people do so often when they read of a tragedy somewhere. When this happens and somebody makes mention of some loss of life, perhaps the drowning of a toddler who was not being properly supervised and fell into a bath or the consequence of an aeroplane crashing, I observe the reactions of the collective with interest. There are the expressions of shock, the declarations of horror and how this is such a terrible event. As I watch and listen I do wonder who the greater charlatans are in this event. Is it me who does not care and cannot care but pretends to do so in order to maintain my precious façade or is it those who claim to care about somebody they never knew and would never have known?

If the death of someone is closer to home, a friend or a family member then my reaction is no different save that it is laced with irritation and indeed often anger at the loss of someone who was a source of fuel for me. If that person forms a supplementary source, then there is irritation at this loss but this person can readily be replaced with a new member rising to form part of my coterie. If the person who has been lost to the hand of the grim reaper is a primary source of fuel, then I am consumed with fury. How could this person treat me in this fashion? I gave them everything and then they leave me in the most complete fashion, with no chance of that sweet, sweet restoration. This departure amounts to a criticism of me, a reminder that even someone as great and powerful as I was unable to prevent the removal of a potent source of fuel. Thus this criticism ignites my fury and I rage at the injustice of their death. Some who witness this might mistake this response for an outburst of grief at the taking of this person. It is not that. It is the explosion of wrath at someone who was so potent to me escaping me and thus denying me my rightful fuel and denying me the opportunity to put in place a replacement. I do not mourn their passing away. I rage at the passing of my fuel source.

Do not expect to see me attend the funerals of those that are regarded as supposedly close to me and where my attendance might otherwise be expected. I will not be there. I know there are those of our kind who revel in the drama and the high emotion that is attached to a funeral and regard it as a honey pot for the acquisition of fuel. There are those of our kind who will hijack the occasion and make it all about them, wailing and shedding those false tears in order to draw well-meant sympathy from the other attendees. There are those of our kind who will create a scene at the funeral, arriving late, arriving drunk, collapsing part way through the service, making a snide remark in a loud stage whisper in order to draw reactions from everyone else that is there. Yes, many of our kind will attend and exhibit their over-acted grief purely to draw attention to themselves and away from the person who is now lying in the cold, hard ground. Our kind will express their huge sense of loss, how the deceased was such a wonderful father, caring mother, beloved uncle or best friend. Such a shameless performance which is carefully choreographed in funereal black to maximise the opportunity to have the spotlight shine on them and thus drink up all the attendant fuel. A disagreement will be provoked with another family member and harsh words exchanged. Over the top blubbing will take place with cries of “Don’t leave me!” as the coffin is lowered. The occasion of death and the attended ceremony provides a wonderful stage to our kind to perform our sick routines to make it all about us, fashioned from the pretence of actually caring. We do not care. We cannot care. We resent the fact that this person has escaped us. We resent the fact that everybody is turning out to pay their respects to the deceased and not training their attention onto us which is where it should belong. Should you ever witness melodrama at a funeral do not mistake it for the exaggerating effects of grief and loss, you are observing one of our kind milking the moment for all it is worth.

That is the response of many of our kind to the loss of a “loved one” or a “close friend” who has passed away after a full life or taken too soon. It is not my response. I have only ever attended one funeral in my life and that was the funeral of my father. I only broke my own protocol to do this as a consequence of the diktat from my mother and also at the behest of my younger brother who begged me to accede to her request so that she would not erupt and undermine the occasion of our father’s death. I duly obliged, just the one, purely in order to satisfy my desires however. I wanted to rein in my mother’s theatrics and watch how she really responded to the death and subsequent committing to another place of my father. You may well have read elsewhere in my works of that particular day. That was the only time that I have attended a funeral and I did it to further my own understanding and in order to loathe in my own private way the way my mother was behaving. That gave me tremendous satisfaction.

Thus, I only broke my protocol of non-attendance once and shall not do so again. Why is it that I will not attend funerals when there is such a prime opportunity to take centre stage and draw greedily on all the available fuel? It is a simple reason enough. I will not attend funerals because I do not wish to be reminded of my own mortality. Like a medieval monarch who stayed away from funerals, even of the preceding monarch and his own wives and offspring, because it would cause others to contemplate the death of the current monarch, something which was treasonable, I too will not attend. I have no desire to contemplate my demise. I do not want to recognise that one day all of this must end for this offends my notion of omnipotence. I do not wish to linger at the edge of the abyss that is life, staring into the nothingness of oblivion. Such is the finality of the mortal end to one’s existence, it engenders and raises the very prospect of that extinction that I fight against each and every day through the acquisition of fuel to maintain my construct and keep myself from being consigned into oblivion. To contemplate a mortal death is to invite the horrifying reality of the extinguishing of who I wish to be and that which I must not let happen.

I do not fear my mortal death for I will have my legacy in place and thus I shall live on through that. No, what I would rather not be reminded of, through the occurrence of the passing of others and the subsequent surrounding ceremony, is that I sometimes teeter on the brink on annihilation. The thought of that fills me with despair, only for myself and therefore I choose not to engage in that which will so forcefully and rudely remind me of it.

I know death embraces all eventually. I am not a foolish man and that is why I have worked to secure my legacy so that I may out stride death.

I care not, save for the loss of my fuel, when its cold hand snuffs out the life of others. Our type does not mourn the death of others. We are unable to do so. We are not equipped to achieve this. Never expect any sincere mourning to ever be evidenced by our kind.

I care not to contemplate what mortal death signifies for me in my ongoing struggle to keep such annihilation at bay.

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52 thoughts on “Death”

  1. HG my midrange ex used to always talk about his mother who died a few years ago and how much he misses her. Since he is mid range does he know he is lying and trying to get my pity or does he really believe he misses her (her fuel)??

  2. With your advanced level of understanding of empathic individuals, you surely know we do not “claim to care”? I can’t speak for others, but I’ve had to turn off the news before or avoid reading about certain events because I am physically affected by the pain that I know those involved are feeling. There have been times I would welcome the ability to protect myself from those feelings.

  3. HI HG,

    I had fun this morning thinking of possible ways you could be remembered after your death. Here are three that came to mind:

    HG Tudor, Lord of the Narc Side. Brought balance to the force.

    HG Tudor, British narcissist and sociopath. Founder of the Weaponizing Empath Movement which led to the Great War between empaths and narcissists.

    St HG Tudor, Patron Saint of the Empaths. Led an evil life until, having been disinherited by his dark Matrinarch, he decided to turn against the dark narc arts (which he had learned from her), to dedicate his life to warn and save empaths all around the world. All until his death, he declared to have a delinquent dark mind and an evil heart. He did not attend his Matrinarch’s funeral.
    Feast day: 19 September.

      1. You are right Strongerwendy, but how was I supposed to write the truth if he was to be canonized? 😉😂
        I am silly, I know.

  4. Okay, I attended my bio father’s funeral— just to make sure the son of a bitch was in the coffin! That is another story- he was a narc-(now that I understand narcissism– ) however, I was only 14 years old. So, my juvenile anger should be understood. HG, you are an adult- so I guess I should understand why you would not want to attend- but you are doing it for your sister, who you have said you actually like, she is a silly empath as we are, but it would look so good on you to attend your mother’s funeral and attend to your poor sad sister- imagine the fuel from that?
    Obviously this death thing has affected me— plus the wine perhaps— and my own narc mother is dying- so on point.

  5. I have never been so happy as now- -reading this ( I have struggled sometimes thinking about my narc qualities- I obviously have them or I not be able to go SuperNova) but to not be there for my brother- or others– the funeral thing….. Nope I am not a narc…….I feel so sorry for HG right now- I want to cry for him…….almost!

    1. I’m going to feel like a hypocrite at my mother’s funeral, and I REALLY don’t want to go, but I’m probably going to have to for appearances. My whole family enabled her. I don’t owe her, or them, anything. It’s simple, but it’s complicated.

  6. HG– really!? You cannot be this cruel– to your sister- she will need you! You are doing all this work. Funerals are not for the dead- they are for the living, your sister would need you there.

  7. Really?! Not even for ‘fuel’– truly you will not attend even your own mother’s funeral?? OH my! The ‘ Good doctors’ have so much work to do — really???
    ( I have a story about my narc when one of his ‘baby momas’ passed and his behaviour it scared me to the core and hurt his adult child to the core-) but of course ‘he’ paid for all of it— and that is all he spoke about”I am paying for all of this shit”.

    1. I saw the N at the funeral of a very close family member…and as much as he has hurt me, and as much as I dislike him, it was the one time I actually saw him man the eff up. He was so strong, and to be there as he said goodbye to his family, stood there so stoic, it broke my heart. Even narcs have a heart.

  8. Dear Sir, Please know there is eternal life in our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. He is our almighty Creator and has made you by his hand. You are his! I pray you look outside your window to see his handiwork on the earth and up into the heavenly sky. He has made all these things for you, to show you his love for you and his promise to return one day soon for you. Jesus Christ has made the payment for Adam and Eve’s sins which was passed down through all generations. You and others have blessed hope in Jesus Christ’s eternal life in Him. I will pray for you Sir, my brother in Jesus Christ! I am so very grateful for you! Thank you for helping us understand by the things you share.
    Your Friend,
    Christine

  9. I heard that the N is completely broken after recent events in his life. He is wailing, sobbing and unable to work. He has said he feels like he has no reason to go on. My son was there last week and said ‘he’s really bad’, when I asked in what way, he said he’s even more volatile than normal’. He was screaming at his son and mine, pacing the house yelling and swearing. Another mutual friend was horrified when she saw how bad he is. He was howling and sobbing 🙁

    I feel horrible for avoiding him like the plague. But he beat me up (emotionally) enough when all was good, I can only imagine how he’d be now his life has completely fallen apart.

    HG, I was going to ask you about this, is it a collapsed narcissist? Have you written anything about that?

  10. Now that I’ve had some time to compose my emotions… this article touched me in many ways… mainly through your honesty.

    I am blessed to engage with a variety of people throughout the day, but it’s been a long time since I have encountered someone who has made me think so deeply. When reading your words, I will often find myself pulling away, setting down my phone and staring off into the horizon, just to think.

    I want to mull it over, understand, decipher a potential deeper meaning, always looking for that which you have yet to fully reveal. I find myself intrigued, however, by how much you do share, and I don’t forget to be thankful for how rare of an opportunity it is to get a glimpse inside the mind of one of your kind.

    You leave me confused, at times. Then you’ll quickly give me clarity that I’m seeing for the first time. I never could have imagined that someone like you could have helped me so much, especially in the ways that you do not know. And your readers, these strangers… they give me a sense of comfort in knowing that I’m not alone.

    So know this, HG Tudor; your legacy will live on, long after you take your last breath. This knowledge will be passed down for generations and these experiences will continue to enlighten. You won’t be forgotten… this so-called sociopath who brought together a society of wounded souls… and somehow showed us that he really is a Greater.

    (At least on your good days.)

  11. I am intrigued with your openness here and appreciate this powerful insight.

    This article stirred many thoughts, but the best I can say right now is… thank you for your honesty.

  12. I felt like my mom put on totally FAKE theatrics at my dad’s funeral (he was a N, and she is something… but not sure what). I was disengaged from about 7 mo’s ago. A dear friend of mine just passed away. I’m sure he saw condolences on fb. He contacted me this week. No mention of my friend though, just being nostalgic. Coincidence? or he knows I’m emotionally vulnerable and it’s a good time to pounce?

  13. You can know Christ and know eternal life. You DO NOT have to fear death. Take heart. Jesus has overcome the world and death. He chides death saying
    ….. oh death…. where is your sting?

  14. Wow

    in some respect i admire you for this HG, , and i can sympatise and relate.

    Often funeral are an invasion of hypocrites..

    The dead person it is always praised… never the truth been brought forward.

    I understand that of course it is better to enphasise the virtues rather than the vices.

    But many people think they can canonise a person as they were Gods.

    I shant go on any further.. .

      1. Hi HG. I apologize for being indiscrete, but is your mom a narc and is she the reason you are one? Also, you mentioned a brother. Is he a narc, too, and if not, does he know you are one? Sorry for so many questions, but just trying to establish a pattern.

      2. No need to apologise. Yes she is and in part yes she is.
        No, he is not. Essentially, yes.

      3. HG why do I get the feeling there is more meaning to that statement than simply not going to your mother’s funeral? Something to do with your larger plan & its outcome?

      4. HG as we know, you have a larger plan with all you are doing. Obviously your Matrinarc is a significant role in this. How would it play out should she suddenly drop dead of a heart attack or get hit by a bus today? Something out of your control? I take it there is a contingency or is whether she is alive or dead as this plays out irrelevant?

        There is no challenge intended in me asking this, just curiosity & a lot of thinking time. 😬

      5. That would deny me part, but only part of what I wish to achieve but would not stop the overall impact of the Grand Design. She is in rude health so little chance of a clutcher.

  15. You works will indeed live on HG.

    I heard about the funeral of a successful lawyer killed on his motorcycle from a friend who attended and knew him. There were 10 women who were there to mourn, not knowing about the others. Then they all put the pieces together that day. Do you imagine anything like that happening to you?

    1. It is not something that ordinarily invades my consciousness but given that you raised it DUTG I considered it and the fact I am not a lawyer means it is not a consideration.

      Naturally I am teasing. It is inevitable there will be attendees who know nothing of the others.

      1. That’s why there are a lot of our kind the that ball-washing bastard of a profession.

      2. Ha ha! My post wasn’t clear – they all thought they were his girlfriend – but naturally you got my point. Thanks.

      3. Interesting– everyone thinks you are a lawyer- you have given clues you are in finance– strangely though ( I have had some wine) I think you are in architecture…. but of course— you will never let on. I find it interesting though, you do not own your own business, you have a boss- you are not the boss, why not?

    2. I asked the exnarc once why on earth I should stay in contact with him and he said if nothing else, at least that would mean another person at my funeral.

      As he was nowhere to be found when I was ill, I highly doubt that that would have happened. Well I would never have known either way.

      *lol* HG even getting fuel when in his grave (or in the process of getting there).

    3. What an interesting point you bring up, DUTG. I have often wondered the same thing about my narcissist’s funeral… just how many women will show?

      When I was becoming increasingly suspicious of his philandering ways, I told him of a story. It ended with me telling him of a man who died with many women by his side, yet he died alone.

      I admit… I fabricated the story just to prove a point. And I think it actually got to him a bit. He seemed uncomfortable… didn’t want to talk anymore.

      This man who takes a very practical view on death for the rest of us, didn’t want to face his own mortality. It still makes me sad to think about it. And it makes me even more sad to realize that as many women as he’ll have by his side, a part of him will always be alone.

    4. Hi dutg…i couldnt help laughing over your story lol it seems comical but in reality itd be a shock and then maybe not. Usually theres suspicions. Im sure a few of them knew there could be other women on the side. Thatd be an interesting funeral…

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