The Stare


The eyes feature prominently in an engagement with another person. You look into someone’s eyes to read them, to allow them to read you, you look away from someone in order to convey certain emotions, you fail to meet somebody’s gaze to convey others. I have written about the eyes of our kind previously but let us turn to a specific element of the use of eyes in the narcissistic dynamic and that is the stare.

Ordinarily, staring at another person is considered to be rude and ill-mannered, although it may denote fascination and even infatuation, but even that stare from a besotted admirer can be regarded as rude, never mind the unending gaze of a passer-by who cannot believe what he or she is witnessing. The stare when deployed by our kind takes on a different application altogether and it manifests at different times during your engagement with us.

  1. The Stare in Seduction

It is not used by all of our kind, but if you have been subjected to it, you will know it and you will remember it well. It was the time when those brilliant blue eyes locked with your own eyes and stared deep inside of you. Those flashing emerald eyes appeared transfixed as they stared at you. The rich brown eyes which seemed to melt as they gazed at you wavering. Whatever colour our eyes are, when you first received that seductive stare, the colour seemed to become brighter, the light shone in them and the intensity of our gaze was immense. It was not so much as being looked at, but rather an event in itself. Our steady stare was unusual as you probably had not experienced it from anyone else previously. You wanted to look away, torn between a sense of discomfort but the mesmerising quality of our eyes kept you looking back into them.

At that moment, our relentless gaze told you that you and only you mattered. There was nothing else of consequence in the universe. The background drained away, the surrounding sounds became muted and all distractions were removed. We wanted to show you that our devotion to you was beyond anything else. Only by allowing us to stare at you for such a long time were we able to convey the depths of our love, the vastness of our desire for you, the sheer scale of our need to be with you. Time slowed and then stood still, your skin tingled from the experience of this tantalising stare. Your breath caught in your lungs, your face seemed to flush and the wave of addiction washed across you, sending a shiver up and down your spine, around your neck and twisting your stomach. In that instant we became your universe as we showed you the world in our eyes.

Yet, what you really looked on as those two eyes continued to bore deep into you, was yourself. We commenced this engagement by knowing that to stare at you for an unconventional length of time would make you feel both uncomfortable and captivated so that you would then show us what was in your eyes. You would reveal to us your desire, your love, your hopes, your wants and your dedication. All we did was mirror back at you what you showed to us, amplified through the auspices of the mimicry for which we have become known. In that moment as we held your gaze from across the table, or after that kiss, or as we lay on top of you, we showed you yourself and thus sowed the seeds that caused you to fall in love with us, but really it was with yourself. That is why your love became something beyond anything that you had ever experienced before. That is why it was deep, powerful and absolute, because your subconscious saw what it wanted to see and this fired-up powerful and immense responses in you.

The world whirled in our eyes, your world. We offered limitless possibilities through the promise we mirrored back at you and by keeping you in this gaze we told you that we wanted you above anything and everything else. We wanted you. We wanted you. We wanted YOU.

  1. The Stare in Devaluation: Neutrality

In ‘Why Does He Seem Like A Different Person’, I explained about the stranger setting where the person who once lit up your life, becomes like a stranger, almost robotic. This is a change which occurs as the devaluation begins. It is not always present as some of our kind move straight into the dark abuses of the devaluation from the off, but there is a precursor to this when the person who once walked in with a cheery smile and a kiss, just enters and sits down, devoid of any prevailing emotion.

If you experience this, then you may also experience the stare at this juncture. This will be a hollow gaze which is accentuated by the blank expression that accompanies it. It is not a look of confusion or misapprehension; it is not a look of dimwittedness but is instead the empty stare of an empty person. You are looking at the void that exists within all of our kind. This represents the crossroads. The seductive stare glowed, fizzed and shone with the fabricated positive emotions which would cause you to respond with positive fuel. That has gone. The darkness of the devaluation has not yet commenced and its drawing of the negative fuel. Instead, you are looking at the in-between. The eyes which are devoid of warmth or hatred, empty of passion or malice, just a blank stare which conveys the void within.

This will cause you to become confused. It will have you ask whether everything is alright and have you wondering what has happened. You will be mystified as to where those mesmeric and scintillating gazes have gone. Why are you no longer looked at with that piercing and uplifting look? Where have we gone? If we had a soul, it is as if it has been sucked from within us, leaving only this husk behind. You cannot complain that you are being badly treated, since no abuses have yet been deployed against you. This empty and robotic stare is a warning of what is to come and should you see it in those you engage with, heed it and make good your departure because it is signaling to you that a far worse stare awaits you.

  1. The Stare in Devaluation: Malice

This, perhaps, is the stare that most associate with our kind. When you are subjected to our malicious stare, our eyes darken, emphasised by the contortion of our features which makes us appear like something else. The glowing greens, brilliant blues and blissful browns have vanished. The glinting grey eyes are no more, the halcyon hazel has been banished and instead a dark and glowering black has taken their place.

This gaze will cause you to shrink back under its impact. The hatred that is embodied in the ink darkness will turn you cold, send ice through your heart and is enough to even cause you to burst into tears. Terror will grip you because when this stare is deployed against you, you are seeing the evil in our core. The pure, unadulterated hatred which we have for you. It is seething, dense and vicious. It bears down on you, reminding you of your weaknesses and vulnerabilities, a blackened glare which keeps on driving at you, pressing down on you, forcing you to feel small and wretched.

You may have caught the occasional malicious glance from us, just a flash of hatred, but that is something else. Those glimpses were warnings which could only be used for an instant to avoid detection by third parties and the fracturing of the façade. This is a stare. Sometimes it may be accompanied by hissed words of threat and insult. Sometimes it is cloaked in silence, the balefulness a clear warning that a period of silence will now be visiting you.

The person that you thought we were will be utterly absent. Your world has been annihilated in an instant and replaced by two orbs of glinting black, which tell you that you are hated. Totally hated and that much worse will be visited on you in conjunction with this stare of concentrated evil.

  1. The Stare in the Discard

This is perhaps witnessed if you are actually told of your discard. More often, it appears post discard when you try to see us, to plead with us for answers, to beg us to take you back and so forth. This stare is one of pure contempt. Disdain and distaste for you. How on earth did we come to couple with one so weak, so pathetic and so disgusting as you. You make us shudder to think that we once even looked at you with favour, love and longing. The shame we feel at choosing someone like you is thrust to one side to be overridden by a contemptuous stare, that is designed to weaken you in your tracks and tell you that in no uncertain terms we want nothing to do with you. We have someone far better. This stare is to urge you to keep away and to forbid you from reminding us that we once promised you the world. We do not want to remember such matters. Somebody else receives those promises now. You are an unfortunate reminder of a part of us which we prefer to keep locked away and this stare conveys this through contempt and loathing.

  1. The Stare in the Hoover

The Malign Follow-Up Hoover as you would expect applies the same approach as the malicious stare detailed above. Should we make contact with you for the purposes of trying to convince you to return to us, whether it is post-discard or post-escape, we will look to hold your gaze once again. This time those eyes of ours will shine again but with hope, longing and contrition. Vulnerability, sorrow and remorse may appear to loom large in the rounded and pleading gaze which we now hold you in.

Once more this is pure artifice. All we are doing is mirroring what you show to us. The hope that we might have seen the error of our ways. The longing for us to come to the realisation that we have done wrong. The sorrow for a person who must behave in this manner. The remorse that you engaged with someone so vile. The longing that you have for the golden period to shine once again. It is all manufactured as we mirror back to you what we see but for the purposes of hoodwinking you once again and with mealy-mouthed assurances and never to be delivered promises, we hook you back into our grasp.

The stare is a prominent weapon when we engage with you. It is a device that fabricates those emotions we do not possess and allows you to see the reality of who you have entangled with when you look up on the emptiness and shrink from the malice.

35 thoughts on “The Stare

  1. narc affair says:

    Ive seen pics of my brother and i find his eyes bothersome. They look black. Hes got blue eyes like myself but in each pic they look dead and dark. I dont know how he turned into the person he did bc he was much younger and protected from so much. I do think npd can be largely genetic.

  2. narc affair says:

    Growing up my dad had the scariest stare when he was angry. I remember he would just glare at my brother when hed be acting up and hed break down in tears.

  3. BurntKrispyKeen says:

    AAK, that always amazed me too… how they can go from 0 to 60 in a flash and shift back to neutral as if nothing changed. Sort of brings that whole machine analogy into clarity.

  4. Caroline says:

    Cold + indifferent — but, at the same time, very much thinking/analyzing/calculating.

  5. Dana P says:

    I can never read this article enough!!! Your words are so spot on and so perfectly descriptive. HG Tudor, are you an exception to be so aware of this or are all Narcs aware of their souless stares and their different catagories. Is this all just a reflex or do you actually decide which stare you will be using…?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      For the most part it is reflex.

      1. Twilight says:

        This article always reminds me of a moment. We were standing together, he was holding me close, I was looking up at him. I stated I wasn’t single, not taken only waiting for one. In that moment one word came to mind when I looked into his eyes…..raptor as in Velociraptor.
        “Swift seizer”.

        His eyes changed, I do not believe he knew or if he did he didn’t realized I noticed.

      2. Esmay Smith says:

        He would stare at me with those piercing blue eyes , inside I instinctively knew he hated me with his whole being and then I would ask “ why are you staring at me like that? “ and he would always answer , “admiration “ . Just the thought of it now makes me ill . Sound familiar?

  6. jenny says:

    This made me shiver, have seen those eyes ! all the colour would drain from him and his blue eyes would turn black ! how does this happen ?

  7. geyserempath says:

    Dead eyes! HG summed up mine for me.

  8. BurntKrispyKeen says:

    1. Seduction: I have never had anyone else explain it quite like that HG. Your description here is powerful and probably the most revealing aspect for me to further contemplate.
    2. Neutrality: I know that stare well. I found it sad and disturbing.
    3. Malice: I didn’t see it often, but I will never forget that glare. He spoke of feeling as if he had 10 gallons of anger trying to stuff into a quart jar. I could see how he was trying to stay in control, but the jar simply couldn’t hold. It was frightening to see in his eyes that he lost control.
    4. Discard: I escaped, but I still got the “you no longer matter” look… many times.
    5. Hoover: By this time, I have learnt that the peepers always give us away. And sadly, what his eyes now mirror is the same emptiness I once saw.

  9. Blondie says:

    The stare was the one constant in my relationship…every thing said here about the stare is so true ,it played out for me like clockwork ..the only way I ever had a hope of reading the mood or situation ..the eyes said it all words came later….

  10. IJ says:

    My N and I met when we were young. In hindsight, I feel like I was his “practice doll”. The seduction stare, when I think of it, still takes my breath away and makes me weak in the knees. You described it so perfectly. Even though I am struggling to accept that it wasn’t real, it felt (feels…) like the most intense and real connection I’ve ever had in my life. I got the malicious glare a few times when I came within a fraction of anything that criticized him in any way. He would almost visibly be shaking, and this DARK look would come over his face and he would almost whisper back some admonishment that was usually some insult or put down, but sounded way more like a warning. Looking back now that I know more, the look I remember most was one of curiosity and fascination and thinking/feeling like he was studying me. My reactions to things he did or said. I never experienced a horrible devaluation but I went pretty quickly to an IPSS and then Shelf IPSS. I think he kept me around and practiced things on me see my reactions and to use in his other interactions. I’ve seen the “fake sorry” stare too… Only twice though. Once, I think for negative fuel when he told me “I can’t do this anymore”. And once when he had burned all his bridges and was grasping for a life raft. Many, many, many years later, that last one is still something he feels N-injury from, for sure. Throws it back at me still that he can’t believe I “rejected him” in that moment.

  11. Tony says:

    HG i have read online that’s narcs’eyes turn black when they are reacting with fury. Is this true? Have you ever had anyone tell you your blue eyes turned black?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It can happen yes and yes they have.

      1. Twilight says:


        Has anyone stared back at you durning this time, not in fear but challenging you? I am speaking of an empath doing such or have they always shown some kind of fear and submitted?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          They have. They give in before I do.

          1. Twilight says:

            Was it due to fear or something else?

      2. MB says:

        Can you do it on command or is it only ever a reaction to ignition of fury? Just curious. I would NEVER want to witness this.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          A reaction to the ignition of fury MB.

  12. PureSoul says:


    Absolutley so..

    I have experienced all those gaze.

    I have witnessed step by step every metamorphosy.

    Now it is actually me to mirrow back

    And he is in confusion , i think.

  13. Insatiable Learner says:

    Ugotit, to me, his eyes look cold, lifeless, uncaring, hiding a lot of anger inside.

    1. Ugotit says:

      I agree and it was shocking to me what a transformation since I met him he looks over a decade orvtwo older than he did when we met and hollow inside

    2. Dana P says:


    3. /iroll says:

      Also pain. The ‘logic’ that they need to feed off of others serves a self destructive illness, because it’s a singlular driven mode that eats all other feeings and experiences up, not a choice with nuance that can be selected and deselected. They don’t consciously feel the pain of deep confusion but it’s there driving them all the time, in some twisted form, like rage.

  14. Ugotit says:

    Anyone care to take a stab at analyzing these eyes I’m curious as to others oponions

    1. Ugotit says:

      If u click on my avatar image should reflect a man

    2. Empress1 says:


    3. Kimi says:

      Creepy, unsettling… is this your Narc?

      1. Ugotit says:

        Was up until 10 days ago I went no contact

    4. E. B. says:

      Icy, empty, expressionless. He looks like a cruel Lesser.

    5. Yolo says:

      Empty…I received several pics like that. Hollow souls. I told the mid its like looking through a dark hole. His response” my glasses were off, i couldn’t see”. Right he wasn’t able to see.

  15. Louise says:

    I have a question, Would a narcissist Hoover a former IPPS by text message, but make exudes as to why he cannot talk over the phone and also evade meeting in person, by not showing up? Why would he not want face to face contact?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Too difficult to arrange, attend, risk of significant wounding.

  16. Ginger says:

    HD what is your Meyers Briggs Personality Type ?

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