Little Acons – No. 22



43 thoughts on “Little Acons – No. 22”

  1. I know this is “Little Acons” but this post just reminded me that my narc ignored me for my birthday last week. Year 1 was golden period. Year 2 (last year) I was on the shelf and had a text hoover wishing me a happy birthday. This year I got a text on my actual birthday but it said “sorry I could not call you today, my daughter has the flu”… no “happy birthday” or anything like that. And then silence ever since.

    Fuck his shelf. Fuck it. Fucking piano turd.

    2 weeks ago he called me and invited me to his show in a few months. This was after he told me he did not want to see me for my birthday or ever again for a “long time”.

    Fuck his contradictions.

    He only invited me for some FUEL right? Fuel. He wants me in the audience along with the rest of his admirers. He probably wants me to bump into his wife or even better that coworker who said I was way too obsessed with and attached to him.

    Fuck his triangulations, his contradictions and his shelf. And his piano too.

    Okay that went off on a tangent. My bad. I am livid but I feel slightly better. Thanks for allowing me to post my vent.

    1. So you expected him to wish you happy birthday and ensured the electronic conduit of the text message remained open for him to do so.

      “Fuck his triangulations, his contradictions and his shelf. And his piano too.” – but you do not. You are allowing them to continue.

      1. HG do they know we still leave avenues open for “expectation” calls or texts. Is it better to block or can we leave it unblocked and just ignore the call or text

      2. We anticipate that you are likely to leave conduits open. The most obvious one (and the one which causes No Contact Suicide the most often) is allowing an electronic conduit to remain open.

        High risk – not blocking, not changing your number, allowing the call/message/e-mail or text to come through. You may ignore it the first time, the second time and maybe the third time. Each time those messages arrive, they feed the emotional infection. Your emotional thinking starts to rise and at some point you will hit the tipping point and become ensnared. You may feel robust and in control but if you keep allowing the ET to increase then you will be ensnared again. It may just take two messages or it may take a hundred, but it will happen. You do not become immune. You are only resistant. Increase your resistance and do not engage in any interaction with the narcissist. Each time you do so, you are picking up that loaded revolver….

        Moderate risk – blocking the number but not changing yours, blocking on social media but not coming off social media, not changing e-mail address

        Lower risk – blocking the number and then changing your numbers, coming off social media, changing e-mail address

        Even lower risk – blocking the number, changing your numbers and then being wary about who receives that new number so it is less likely to find its way to the narcissist, coming off social media, changing e-mail address and again being wary about who knows it, putting in place gatekeeper methods for calls and e-mails.

        If you keep open electronic conduits (telephone, e-mail, social media, messaging applications) we will use them and it is highly likely you will be hoovered (subject as always to the Hoover Trigger occurring and the Hoover Execution Criteria being reached – open electronic conduits bring the Hoover Bar down considerably)

      3. Yes, I allowed it. Part of me was testing him because I wanted to see if I’d get a Birthday hoover. And I sort of did but wasn’t wished a happy birthday. I’m assuming this was all done intentionally, like the hoover on his wedding anniversary but whatever. I’m more surprised at the “never gonna see you again” and then getting invited to his show. I didn’t tell him yes or no. If I tell him I am not going (or say I will but not show up) I’m assuming it will wound him?

      4. It will wound him, but wounding him is not your priority. You thinking about doing/not doing things to wound him is you continuing to engage with him (by thinking about him, by considering the impact on him, by opening up a channel in anticipation of a hoover) and all this is doing is feeding your addiction and demonstrating that you remain firmly in the grip of your emotional thinking.

        Get out. Stay out. There are no excuses.

    2. Dear gabbbanzobean,
      I much prefer an open vent to a closed vent any day ! 😂
      I’m sorry to hear of your frustration sweetpea, but it’s what these critters do to us! Mess with our heads.
      Mr Tudors photos certainly do stir our emotions, however, it’s good to let it all out!
      My weasel friend said he hated birthdays, but certainly lapped up the attention on his.
      This “little acon” pic reminds me of the big acon, never growing up … forever a 5 year old …. perhaps I should send him an anonymous “chocolate laxette cake” for his birthday with “nobody loves you” written on it 🍫 🎂😂

      What say you Mr Tudor, great idea, hope you don’t have a copywrite on that ?

      1. You could do that but only do so after a solid period of no contact and with your emotional thinking under control.

      2. “Mr Tudors photos certainly do stir our emotions, however, it’s good to let it all out!”

        Yes they do! I saw the birthday cake and it said “nobody loves you” and it tripped me back to my childhood with my mentally ill mother (who has some slight narc traits but is more so mentally ill than narc) but it also reminded me of Mr. Piano Recital ignoring me. Ironically I said to myself over and over “it’s just a birthday who cares”. Yet here I sit seeking validation from him and it just sucks.

        A few weeks ago I had a dream about my narc and in the dream he told me “Your mother should have put you in a cage when you were a child”. Now granted I have no memory of being put in a cage (not that I can recall anyway)….I hate that I shared my childhood tribulations with him and even worse that his “taunting” of such spilled over into my dreams!

        Yeah I am a mess. And there goes another tangent. Mehhhh. Thanks for listening though.

    3. Dear gazzanzobean,
      So sorry to hear about your mum. Your birthday so does matter. You are unique, you’re special, and ivory head doesn’t deserve you. It sounds you are still emotionally invested and he just wanted bums on seats. . My weasel “taunted” me and was full of contradictions. I ended it….. best decision ever!

      Stepping outside the box and looking in, brings about a new perspective
      Positive affirmations for oneself is great for self healing.
      Your own validation is the only one that matters precious. We need to play our own tune and not have someone play it for us.
      You are very much loved here “cup cake” and we care 💜
      Best wishes 🎂🎈💝🍾

  2. “We anticipate that you are likely to leave conduits open.”

    I think this is very true. I blocked him on the main apps we used but he did not block me in return (he only removed me from his contacts on one app, and left me unblocked on the other one).
    However, I left one avenue open on another app , an app he stopped using a while back and hadn’t logged onto for over 5 months. I didn’t think he was using the account anymore, at least not with that number, and I wanted to see if he would log in to check if I had blocked him there too. Call it a little test. He logged back in one week after I said goodbye and instigated no contact. He was checking to see if that avenue was still open. He probably anticipated it would be. He has not attempted to contact me though.

    I know I should block him on there as well….HG is right, we are leaving the gun on the table, fully loaded and within easy reach.
    I keep telling myself that our last exchange was so ugly and unpleasant, that he would have no interest in hoovering me. I unmasked him. I exposed and wounded him. But as HG has pointed out, that’s irrelevant from their perspective. There is always a risk and it’s up to us to mitigate it. I am still working on getting my emotional thinking under control.

      1. Trying to…progress seems to be non-linear.
        But i will admit that i am now ‘enjoying the silence’ of no contact. Unlike the unpleasant silence of the Silent treatment. This feels different.

        “words are very unnecessary, they can only do harm”

  3. Please, pals, listen to Mr Tudor and go Fully Right No Contact – as long as narcs know we are vulnerable they will keep hunting us as prey.

    1. I am not blocking his number or changing mine not because I am leaving this channel of communication open but because I know beyond the shadow of a doubt he will never hoover me. He is too preoccupied with his IPPS and the new baby he has always wanted. He couldn’t care less if I exist. There is just no possibility of a Hoover and I am just acknowledging that by not blocking him. There is no point.

      1. That is emotional thinking and you are actually leaving it open in the hope that he will hoover you.

        There is always a risk of a hoover and you are inviting that risk.

      2. HG, with all due respect, whether I hope he will hoover is irrelevant. What is relevant is I know he will not. I may hope to win a million dollars but I know I won’t.

      3. Insatiable Learner, if he is a narc he will hoover you at some point, be it in 10 days or 10 years. Mostly, it is very likely to happen when the devaluation of the new IPPS starts. As Mr Tudor once stated “Once your devaluation begins, it is always the case suddenly we remember how much we loved our ex”. I wasn’t convinced my ex was a narc until the day he hoovered me and even stalked my friends.

  4. My hubby left the family home the day b4 my birthday…. thought id have shit time mopping about…. 4 kids and no baby sitter. He thought wrong…. good friends to the rescue and party time came to me…. he did get me card tho saying to my beautiful wife…tho didnt write in it!! That was 5 days ago…. in that time hes cancelled lease on family home and given me 3mths to get out……. wtf

    1. Kel,
      What a horrible thing to do. I hope you and your children will be ok. I also hope you will exercise all your rights under the marriage laws of your country of residence.

    2. Hello Kel,
      That’s awful! His timing was very malicious. I hope you can find an attorney to help you deal with him and get all your sposal rights and child support!

    3. That’s a fine how-do-you-do, Kel, and to do it around your birthday, too. He reminds me of my ULN and you have 4 children. I am so sorry that you have to deal with all that. He is heartless.

  5. i work with the lesser narc in my life. in fact, i am his superior (though no one is truly his superior of course) i am in a very tenuous state of no contact with him, the most serious effort i have ever made. during this time, is ANY drop of fuel basically the same to him as me showing up on his doorstep asking him to come spend the night with me? i made the tiniest slip yesterday and am curious as to whether i have to start all over again, to establish that i am the one finished with him. his behavior right now is his standard discard behavior. he’s punishing me for ignoring his txts over the wknd. its hard to maintain the mindset. i’m just learning, in the past several months, what i’m dealing with. your insight – from each of you – is so helpful and needed for me right now.

    1. nan
      Just reestablish your no/low (if you work w/him) contact regime. Proximity of supply and method of delivery is the best indicator of how good the fuel is. If you ignore him, and this includes your body language-no eye rolling) then the fuel is very low/non-existent, however, if you react emotionally, including door slamming, the fuel is more potent.
      Showing up at his door to sleep with him would, most likely, be more potent than an eye roll.

      1. K

        Your last line made me howl.

        Youre too nice.
        Fuck him-If Im his boss he’s now unemployed lol.

      2. LMAO!!! That last line IS really funny when you think about it! I wasn’t sure if he was a somatic or cerebral. Some of those cerebrals may prefer the eye roll over the surprise sex.

        You are right, fuck him! Fire his dumb ass! Ha ha ha…

  6. Dear HG, how can you be so sure that even your students – privileged and weaponized with knowledge from the best source possible – are not capable of resisting hoovers?
    Based on evidence?

    1. You have the capacity to resist hoovers however, the extent of your resistance may be low or it may be high but you do not know exactly where that resistance lies. If you think that you are highly resistant and therefore you will look to cause a hoover for the purposes of then resisting it, that is your emotional thinking trying to make you engage with the narcissist. You do not need to do anything to test that resistance, it is far more effective to operate in a way whereby you avoid doing so. By operating in that way you starve the emotional infection of the addictive influence of the narcissist, which means you get your emotional thinking under control, which means you are more likely to apply logic and in turn stay no contact which means you starve the emotional infection and so it goes, you thus build your resistance.
      As a consequence of the victims in my personal life, other victims I know of who are not mine but I have observed in my private life and of course the many interactions here on the blog and through consultation, I see repeated evidence of varied resistance to hoovers. Some people may be able to resist fifty, some only one because it depends on that individual, the nature of the hoover and the extent of their levels of emotional thinking. Every time you engage with a narcissist you are building emotional thinking, you will reach a tipping point and you will be ensnared eventually. Therefore, why risk that? Save your resistance for those moments where the narcissist appears somewhere unexpected (as opposed to failing to block the narcissist on your phone). If the narcissist takes you by surprise by turning up at an event you did not think he would ever go to, then you ensure you evade him. Best practice would be to leave the event, however you may not want to miss it which is fair enough. Therefore, you do not look over at the narcissist, you move away if he comes near and you evade his hoover attempts. If he speaks to you, you keep the fuel as low as possible, you keep the interaction short, talk about something other than the narcissist, engage other people and move away at the earliest opportunity. Your emotional thinking will be surging trying to get you to talk to him, to stay talking with him etc. There is no need. Execute those steps and once escaped you can pat yourself on the back at your resistance. That resistance arose because of gaining understanding through my work, applying that understanding, building Logic Defences and recognising emotional thinking and rejecting it. If you had been texting back and forth all week, prior to this meeting, your resistance is eroding and then when you see the narcissist in the flesh your emotional thinking will overspill, your resistance is gone (because you have been eroding it necessarily) and you end up ensnared again. Save testing your resistance for “ambush” moments. Do not think “I am going to contact the narcissist to see how well I can resist him.” Yes, you may very well resist him as he hoovers you, but you may not. Even if you do resist, you will have encouraged the narcissist to hoover you more (subject to the usual matters of HT and HEC) and you have begun to increase your emotional thinking all of the sake of a test – it is not worth doing so.

      Some people are poor at resisting the hoovers which get through no contact, some people are very good at doing so, but by making your no contact regime as solid as possible, fewer hoovers will get through which then maximises your chance of resisting them. You do not need to test your resistance unnecessarily for many reasons, some of which I have explained above.

      You are not immune. You have resistance, but that will eventually be overcome IF you keep engaging with the source of the infection – so do not do it.

      1. Sometimes the lesson is hard to accept, but I can’t deny when I read wise words from a wise man.

      2. Speak of the devil and the devil shall appear.
        HG, I just received a message from him.
        “how are you? Do you feel better now? Hope you have forgiven me”
        I am still shocked that he made contact, even though I knew this was a possibility. I haven’t opened the message. It’s just in my notifications.

      3. HG

        I look forward to the release of Zero Impact as I’m sure do we all. You indicated previously there would be a new release roughly Spring. Is it Zero Impact or another?

  7. CarolM, I do not see a way to respond directly under your comment. Thank you for your response. I was not an ex as I was never the IPPS. Do you see why I am saying he will not hoover?

  8. HG, further to my comment at 14.48pm, I wanted to add that I did respond. But I think you knew that already.
    He admitted to some things and said he is seeking professional help. He didn’t admit to other things, but he doesn’t need to. I know.
    As much as I want to believe he is seeking help, and as much I want to keep communication open, I cannot. I told him so. And I have blocked him on all the apps. And on the number he used today to contact me.
    If he is seeking help, I truly wish him well. From the bottom of my heart. I want nothing more than for him to get better.
    But I must continue with No Contact. I can’t change my number, so there’s always a chance he will reach out in the future. But that’s a risk I’m willing to accept. I also accept the fact that I pose a risk to myself too. That one day I might reach out to him.
    I feel so many emotions at the moment. I feel guilty that I cannot support him. I feel like I am ignoring the wounded puppy.
    I also know that I am doing the right thing for myself, at this moment in time. I am not strong enough to remain objective and neutral when it comes to him.

    The debate goes on about whether or not they will hoover/make contact. HG is so right on this, there is ALWAYS a risk. It doesn’t matter if they are with someone else, or if they told you to fuck off, or if they left you without a word. Or if they told you that they can never speak to you ever again. If they called you crazy…..Insert any scenario here. There is always a risk.


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