A Good Man in a Bad Job?

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I didn’t ask for this you know. I know you did not either but for once let’s not make this about you and let’s talk about me, yes? I never asked to be created so that each and every day I must gather the fuel that is necessary for my existence. Yes, I must eat, I must drink water and I must breathe the air, just as you do, but for me I have another staple requirement of daily living. I must have fuel. Did you choose to always needs food and water? No, you did not. Neither did I. I did not choose to require this fuel either but without it I will cease to exist. What I have created in order to survive in this world will come toppling down and that will be the end of me. How far would you go to eat? At first it is simple enough is it not? You go to the grocery store or you order online from the supermarket and acquire the ingredients to make a meal or receive a pre-cooked one. You chop, you peel, you mash and you stir and you make that meal. A hundred thousand different recipes to choose from. Instead you may remove the packaging, pierce the cling film and pop it in the over or the microwave. Either way you have food, ready to eat and to sustain you. But what if you had no money to acquire this food, how would you quell the rumblings in your stomach? Perhaps you might ask to be given food from neighbours, from food banks or left overs at supermarkets. It is demeaning but you need to eat don’t you, so what does a little pride matter so long as your stomach is filled? However, what if that charity ends? What if the benevolence of friends and neighbours dries up? What would you do then? What if there are no friends and no neighbours? Would you look to survive on berries you find by the roadside, drink the water from a stream? Would that sustain you for long or would you tire of that? Would you scavenge through the bins outside a supermarket for food that has been thrown out but is perfectly edible? Is that stealing? Perhaps not. Would you cope with the stares of pity and disdain from those who saw you surfing a dumpster?

Would you steal from the shops in order to quell the hunger pangs? Snatch a loaf from a bakery, sneak into a house and steal that cooling pie or rifle through the cupboards in order to find something to eat. What if there is no edible food in the dumpster, would you remove the mould and eat what you find, risking illness? What if the supermarkets ran out of food and there was nowhere to steal it from? Would you scavenge from the orchards until that fruit ran out? Would you catch fish or hunt a lamb or grab a chicken in order to cook and eat it over an open fire? What if the usual sources of meat began to vanish, having fallen prey to starving wild animals following the collapse of civilisation, what then? Would you try new sources? Would you, driven by hunger hunt down and eat a sparrow or a robin? How about an owl? Seagull? Would you slaughter a fox in order to eat its meat? Where would you stop? Would you eat another human being in order to survive? When needs must where would you draw the line? How far would you go to feed yourself and your loved ones? Begging, growing you own, stealing, savagery, cannibalism? Do you have a limit or when the chips are down and your stomach is knotted with the agony of starvation would there be no limit? How far would you go? Would you fight another person for a packet of rice? Beat someone up in order to steal their hoard of windfalls? Would you consider their loss of their food source and their injuries an acceptable consequence of your own necessary survival? Would this become collateral damage in the pursuit of survival? Abhorrent as it may sound, I should imagine, when the need really arises, that you would go beyond the unpalatable in order to survive.

Now replace food with the need for fuel and you will understand that I have no choice other than to gather this fuel from different sources and in different ways throughout the course of each day. The consequences which arise may seem regrettable to you but they are purely the result of this need for me to gain fuel. I did not ask to have to do this, but the way I have been created makes it so. In the same way that you would fight to ensure your own survival, rather than curling up and dying in a hole, so must I. Does that make me what would be regarded as a bad person for just doing what I need to in order to exist? I suggest that it does not. I know that what I do has consequences for others. I am not blind nor am I a fool. I understand fully the devastation that I cause as I tear through someone else’s life like a whirlwind, sucking everything in, hurling it about and then discarding it broken and shattered. I have heard the complaints, the stories, the recollections and the accounts. I have heard the cries of dismay, the wails of misery, the screams of terror and the slow sobs of pain. I know what is caused by my actions but what choice do I have? I do not set out to achieve these things but they must always arise as a consequence of what I must do.

I feel no guilt nor remorse. I am devoid of those emotions. Another consequence of the way I have been created. I feel no shame in these actions, no pity for those who suffer from my behaviours and no sense of empathy for those who are remorselessly cut down by my machinations. I am not burdened by such emotions so I do not toss and turn at night, I do not have my sleep peppered by nightmares of torment, I do not sit in anguish and seek absolution for everything I have done and everything that I am to do. Those concepts are not applicable to me. What I do is invite you to understand me. I want you to understand what I am, what I must do and what arises from this and if you were in my shoes then you would do the same. This does not make me a bad person does it? I am a good man who is having to do a bad job. Yes?

25 thoughts on “A Good Man in a Bad Job?

  1. K says:

    I understand.

  2. Kathy says:

    Would also be great if you could talk about your experiences as being exposed. Surely there are some people at some point in your life that figured it out. No way you have won every single time. I was ensared only once in my life and I got the upper hand at the end; I am sure this situation happened to a lot of people (because yes, empaths can be smarter than your kind is willing to admit). How many people went no contact with you? (If you haven’t stop counting yet.)

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Nobody has ever achieved it.

  3. Kathy says:

    No shame? Really? Having a hard time believing that. Would be great if you could make a post about self-loathing, insecurities and how your true self really see itself. I know the false self is quite big and take all the space, but the existence of the burning bomb inside of you is nonetheless real. I wish you could state how you really feel deep down. You probably know a lot about the work of Sam Vaknin, and maybe you could come forward agreeing with him or at least explain what is wrong about some of his positions. Wanna heal yourself? Get real. Nobody can feel the amount of hatred you people possess and have no demons inside. I understand how you feel is not about your victims; and it is precisely why you don’t wanna talk about it, eh? Everything must be about you, except when it really is.

    1. NarcAngel says:

      Kathy
      Loved your last line. Truth.

  4. Joanne. says:

    Another great read,
    Your writing has helped me so much,
    Thank you.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome Joanne.

  5. SarcNarc says:

    I guess.
    However, the quality and type of food matters. The more raw and unprocessed foods a human body gets, the better for it. I don’t see how the same principle would not go for FUeLmotions.

  6. K says:

    HG

    You are not broken or an irreparable (enigma), however, you are irreversible. I understand why you are the doer and not the done to, practically speaking, that just makes sense. I agree, your ability to compartmentalize is healthy.

    If I stand in your shoes I can feel: rage, betrayal, hatred/malice so deep and profound that it is visceral and the only way to assuage it is to destroy everything in its path. I can feel contempt, jealousy, envy and the unfairness that has been meted out, as well as, the sting of being ignored/criticized. Programmed on autopilot and devoid of all emotion, it is too dangerous to look back, left or right; you can only move forward. I can feel the emptiness and the machine that both compels and impels you to survive.

    The end always justifies the means, people are there to be used, abused and then tossed aside when they no longer serve a purpose. There is no guilt or remorse and you never had a conscience and you never will, how could you? You were abused and it never developed. You sleep soundly, and I do too, thanks to compartmentalization.

    You are perfect just the way you are.

  7. Somewhere over the rainbow says:

    A good man?

    Generally speaking, the first step in becoming a good man is emotionally becoming a MAN (=manage all narcissism).

    Yes, you (narcs) had that choice, but it wasn’t the easiest way out of your life’s problems, like projecting your pain on others (emphatic people accepting that) so you quieted your own.

    You (narcs) refuse to understand that the only thing your’re getting out of doing this is…postponing the confrontation.

    Finding excuses for your behavior is one of your top qualities, let’s not forget!

  8. WiserNow says:

    No, you’re not a good man. Rather, you’re a man with no empathy, no conscience and a false persona.

    It’s a thoughtfully explained scenario to compare food with fuel, and very compelling. However, something about it doesn’t ring true.

    Food is needed by all beings to provide energy for our physical bodies to continue our physical or “mechanical” existence. However, without food, the “being” in question still retains a spiritual self, or the essence of who they are and what makes up their personality.

    In the case of narcissists, their real spiritual ‘self’ is concealed behind a self-made construct. Without fuel, their false self or construct threatens to implode and the facade is in danger of evaporating and exposing the real self, the lying, manipulative, jealous, greedy, empty, contemptible self. Without fuel, they are at risk of losing the facade they hide behind and being known for their real self.

  9. W says:

    See now I feel for the guy even tho I’m getting humour out of his situ
    LOL
    doesn’t change things tho. GOSO right?

  10. Empress1 says:

    Basically, you are a drug addict.

  11. Caroline says:

    I guess that I place the emphasis on the disorder…a disordered man or woman. I consider it an affliction.

    Yes, people with NPD will do bad/wrong things, and I realize they make choices to do these things, but I also know they have a serious disorder they *didn’t* choose, so I have empathy for that.

    It’s like a box with no good solution out of it, for the narcissist…* unless* treatment can heal what’s broken in them — or somehow inspire them to choose good for the sake of choosing good… or, like narcissists themselves sometimes do, they learn to control their bad actions for various highly motivating reasons.

    So it’s not easy for me to answer this question, HG. The best I can do is:
    1) It’s a bad job.
    2) The person in the job is behaving badly, too!

  12. Paula says:

    Nope.

  13. K says:

    HG
    Is gas lighting used mostly by narcissists/cluster Bs or do apaths and empaths gaslight?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Narcissists.

      1. K says:

        The Gas Light Effect had me doubting my reality, that was how bad the book was. The author wrote that the relationships were healthy otherwise.

  14. Daisy says:

    Hello HG,

    May I ask? Can a former IPSS who escaped(because she began to see through him) be hoovered, after a certain period of time, with a view to reinstating the formal relationship and even being promoted to candidate IPSS/IPPS? If that is the case would that mean that he now sees her as “the one” even though she escaped previously? Apart from changes in his fuel matrix what would cause the MRN to choose this IPSS particularly – does he disregard/forget the “wounding”?

    Thank you

  15. Jess says:

    Yes. You teach empaths many lessons. Hard lessons. Hopefully they are strong enough to rebuild, as better, rather than crawling in a hole and dying.

  16. Lisa says:

    Do you wish you were normal? I suppose you don’t miss what you never had but here’s a question, how do you know how people are feeling if you don’t have those feelings ?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      No.
      They tell me often enough about them, show those feelings in a variety of different ways. I observe, listen, assess and apply.
      How does a doctor know if a patient has a disease if the doctor has not got the disease?

      1. SarcNarc says:

        HG, are there many, who go the opposite direction of what you had in mind for them? But don’t just go away?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          I do not understand what you are referring to.

          Who are you referring to when you ask whether they go in the opposite direction? Do you mean my victims? Do you mean – do they not do what I want, but they do not run either?

          1. SarcNarc says:

            Precisely.

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