Why Yes Is Not Always Best

WHY YES

Lots of people have trouble with saying no. It carries with it the connotation of negativity, obstruction and disappointment. People much prefer to say yes. I know that you and your kind really do struggle with saying no. You prefer to be regarded as a can-do kind of person, positive and accommodating. You also find it difficult to say no to people as you really do not like to see the disappointment on their face should you respond in this way. It makes you feel bad and accordingly, you either avoid saying it in the first place or you change your mind if you have said it. Occasionally, you will take refuge in the realm of uncertainty.

“I will think about it.”

“We shall see.”

“Let me reflect and I will come back to you.”

“I just need to check something, but I think it should be okay.”

You want to say no, but you find that you are unable to and therefore you trot out one of these insipid responses and ultimately you will end up saying yes. We know this is a common trait of yours and something we rely on and play on. We are aware that you do not like to say no and therefore we will press and cajole to ensure you say yes. Do not make the mistake of thinking that we need your validation and approval. Far from it. We do what we want. We like to hear you say yes because it underlines our power over you. We can always make you say yes. Sometimes you do it straight away (especially if we have you conditioned correctly). On other occasions it requires some persuasion and in the remainder of cases we need to pull out our manipulative tool kit to achieve the desired result, but we always get there. You are designed to say yes, we programme you to say yes and you do so even if it is ultimately detrimental to you. You feel you need to please and that need is greatest when it comes to us.

By contrast we are firm disciples of the word “no”. It is a word of strength. It is commanding and authoritative. Those who can say no have fortitude, steel and resilience. We say it regularly. We are untroubled by the fallen expression, the noises of disappointment and pleading. In fact, should you beg and plead we will just keep saying no and sit back and enjoy the fuel that you provide to us by your behaviour. Beseech us, blackmail us, bribe us and bombard us with requests, nay, demands to say yes and every time we will bat you back with a firm no as we savour your increasing anger, frustration and upset.

We do not associate the word no with negativity. We see it as a positive word. It is one that enables us to assert and maintain our superiority. We are able to use it to control you and keep you in your place. We are fully aware that whoever is on the receiving end of the word no automatically feels bad because they have been denied something.

“No I do not want to have dinner with you tonight.”

“No, you cannot borrow my car this evening.”

“No, you cannot go out with your friends tomorrow evening.”

It takes guts and integrity to say no. You struggle to say it because you are used to being exploited and taken for granted. You may try and dress it up as being someone who always helps and is a facilitator but the reality is you end up being used. Notice how in those instances above where I stated no, I did not give a reason for the refusal, I just said no. That takes real strength. I do not need to fall into providing explanations for my decision. It is my decision, the answer is no, that is an end to it. I can do this because I am not accountable. I can do this because I do not feel bad when witnessing the disappointment of others. This enables me to achieve more and avoid being burdened unnecessarily.

You can learn a lot from my use of the word no. Just do not think of ever using it towards me. That’s a big no.

 

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9 thoughts on “Why Yes Is Not Always Best”

  1. I’m actually enjoying not saying no at the moment, but not saying yes either, not committing myself either way. He keeps trying to drag me into communication on his terms and it’s like trying to grab onto water.

    I learned a lot from him, like how to allow others to come to their own conclusion regarding a relationship without ever committing myself to anything specific. My way or the highway baby and my way IS the highway. But since I’m a nice person, I’ll do him the same courtesy he did me and let him figure it out on his own while he keeps trying to engage me. Wouldn’t want to hurt his feelings, now would I? Oh wait, nevermind.

  2. HG, This is, as usual, spot on. I may not always say no, but I have reached a point of ignoring requests that I disagree with .

  3. Dear Mr Tudor,
    “No” …. has become my newest best favourite word!
    However, I still keep giving explanations and justifying why not.
    Note to self … must work on that immediately, thank you for pointing it out.

    When I started saying “no” to the weasel, I think that’s when things started to change …. he didn’t like it! Is that when you discard?

    I’m not the soft soaked push over pussy I used to be…. 😹… purr purr

    Ps …. re reading your articles, you pick up on snippets that didn’t sink in…. as there is much to absorb n learn.

    One of our “come and get me” flags to the narc is our willingness to say ” yes” … yes ? 😂

    Thank you …. great article

    1. You are welcome. Yes, re-reading the articles does mean you spot things you may not have done the first time of reading. Furthermore, as your understanding increases and you progress towards your freedom, you find new points.

    1. It is a combination of your innate susceptibility, the influence of emotional thinking, the way we target and seduce you – the desire to please is part of your susceptibility.

      1. It’s not just the pleasing someone else part. That can be acceptable and feel good in the right dynamic.
        I had an epiphany in the last week, following a hoover from JN. He represents something that was denied to me in my childhood. His presence in my life became a symbol to what my subconscious is still wanting to fight over to be heard and validated. It always goes back to some kind of unresolved or chaotic conflict or relationship with no resolution. Your subconscious will continually seek it out to either you become aware of it or you figure out a resolution that brings you peace with it.

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