Ten Tells of Triangulation




Triangulation is a staple manipulative device in our arsenal. Triangulation is a convenient way to describe an affair, having a bit on the side, flirting, playing away, investing in a new prospect, having a form of distraction, a plaything and so on. The reality is that triangulation offends the principles of why two people are in a relationship and is a method of manipulation which is used to gain fuel, cause confusion and exert control. The principle reason that we engage in it is because we are able to derive two sources of fuel from two different appliances. Sometimes the fuel is doubly positive and others both positive and negative. This is edifying and invigorating. You may be triangulated with a person or an object. There may be triangles operating within triangles. Triangulation provides fuel but also allows us to generate confusion and engage in distraction tactics whereby you and the other person attack one another, failing to realise (or perhaps not wanting to be seen to realise for fear of being regarded as losing out) that is us that has caused the triangulation. Usually you will not be aware that you are being triangulated with the other person. It is easier to keep you and the other person separated and we enjoy our time with them and then our time with you. We draw fuel from you both and neither of you know about the other. We see no problem in behaving like this. We are never accountable; we are entitled to do as we like. We do not distinguish between you because you are just appliances to us and therefore entirely interchangeable. Before we decide to up the ante and reveal your opponent to you, thus heightening your reactions and responses, you may actually be able to ascertain that you are being triangulated as there are certain tells which exist. These are more obvious amongst the Lesser and Mid-Range of our kind as they may lack the higher function to remember things that they have done or said and occasionally slip up, thereby revealing the tell. If you confront us with this tell we will spin some yarn, persuade you that there is nothing in it, this person is a friend, there is a glitch with the ‘phone, somebody else did it, you are imagining things, you are over-reacting and in our time-honoured fashion we will deny and deflect and even go on the attack if need be in order to protect our investment in both you and the other person. If you do see these tells, do not challenge us about them. You are only giving us a chance to draw fuel from you, confuse you and worm our way out of it. If you see these tells you now know what they mean. You are being triangulated.  Here are ten of those tells.

  1. Our mobile ‘phone will have duplicate messages. We send the same message to you and the other person, often within seconds of the first message.
  2. We will buy you a duplicate gift having already given it to you a week or so ago.
  3. We will tell you something that we have already told you before, more or less word for word.
  4. We will make reference to something you said even though you have not said it (it was the other person who said it).
  5. We will make reference to something we apparently did together which you will not remember. (This is because we did it with the other person).
  6. We will call you by someone else’s name.
  7. You may hear us say things under our breath such as “She wouldn’t do this” or “she would agree to do it”.
  8. We will fail to acknowledge you doing something for us thinking it was done by the other person, for instance a surprise gift.
  9. We will remark we don’t want to do something again even though we have never done it with you. (We did it with the other person).
  10. We will ask a question which is out of context. For instance, asking how your dad is recovering when there is nothing wrong with him. (It is of course the other person’s dad who is ill).

11 thoughts on “Ten Tells of Triangulation”

  1. My narc triangulates all the time. Thank you, HG, for helping me realize it is useless to react to this behavior. If he mentions his female “friend”, I just listen and say as little as possible. (Saying nothing makes him angry, too, so I have to acknowledge that I hear him.)

  2. He called me her name in a text….he used the exact words in her text as he had in mine.

    He used the same word for word in his apologies. I thought he had brain damage.

    Every-time he was enthralled with a new one, the tell was, he would tell me he was thinking of going or moving to the region.

    By the end, I knew every time. It was so in my face, and looking back, it always was, but I guess i chose to look the other way.

    It just got old.

    1. Hi H…dont you just love when they “accidently” throw in another womans name into a text. So classy.

      1. Narc Affair, how long have you been cycling with your Narc?

        I thought I could do it…I never wanted to marry him or anything like that. But after 6 years it just started eating away my brain and heart.

  3. When my Narc triangulate me with a new friend, I would ask if he liked her more than a friend, he would say why would you think I like her that way she is married,deflowered and overweight. He would tell me similar things on and off (old, unavalible,deflowered) during our friendship. He loved bombed, but I was not avalible and I worked with him. So a lot of our conversations were more trying to figure out the person on both ends . ( is he really trying to come on to me or is he playing some weird game) I got alot more hot and cold. One minute he is flirting and next he would say its not going to happen. I would be like what? He would say I’m just kidding, Very confusing!

  4. My narc triangulates a lot. When he becomes obsessed with a certain city or topic i know one of his sources is from there or has something to do with the topic. One of the things learned here i seen right away was how he acquires traits from his sources. Its like a child mimicing a new best friend. He does this.
    Hes triangulated me with celebs, pets, family, friends and online. Its his way to devalue and create insecurity.

    1. That ‘acquiring traits’ thing is so odd. I noticed it before I knew what it was. Recently ive begun intentionally using new, unusual words and phrases, just to see how long it takes him to start using them himself. If it’s something that he thinks sounds smart or funny, it’s not long.

      1. Hi nan…lol ive been doing that too and he does adopt phrases i use or quirks. One thing i did was tell him how much i loved his laugh which was a few years ago bc he very rarely laughed. Now he injects this laugh all the time before he says something. It was true i do love his laugh but i can see where quite often its “put on” which is sad.
        Before learning about acquired character traits here i had a feeling he did this bc he would out of the blue start acting a certain way or using certain words or accents. One of his online sources is from new jersey and he was sending me new jersey things on facebook and when we were together would mimic a jersey accent.
        Before i knew what he was i googled why does a person pretend to be many different people and right away narcissist and in particular socipath narcissist came up. Its like a lightbulb went on and it described him so exact. Hes definitely a sociopath. It was at the same time i learned my mother was a narcissist too.

  5. I remember receiving a text addressed to “Miss…. (mysterious nickname)” once. Miss who??!? Ha.
    It makes me laugh now. It definitely didn’t back then.

  6. My nex would try to triangulate me with his chihuahuas. He would ask me over and ignore me for extended periods of time while answering every bark of the dogs with protracted heavy petting/loud make out sessions. Sometimes afterward he’d ask me if I was jealous of the dogs…. yes, this happened and it happened a lot.

    I know he was seriously hoping I’d be jealous of the dogs 🐕


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