Attachment Is The Seat Of Misery


This is a capricious, arbitrary and hostile world. It must be brought to heel, tamed and subjected to the exertion of control. My control.

This is why I must cause every appliance that I come across to become attached to me. From my next door neighbour who I say hello to and exchange banal pleasantries with for the sake of my façade (even though I would readily drive a rusty meat hook through his malformed cranium if he tells me again about the refurbishment details of his latest property acquisition) through to my friends who join me for drinks on a Friday evening through to the latest girlfriend that I parade, all of them must be attached to me.

The creation of my construct is the device which causes these individuals to become attached to me. That magnificent edifice which is created from the mirrors which I show towards those whose paths I cross. Make the ticket inspector smile on the train by supporting him dealing with a obstreperous teenage passenger, encourage a friend in his plans to lose weight, show that prospective IPPS her own hopes and desires so she begins to fall in love. All of that is the work of the construct which is designed to draw each and every source – from the tertiary through to the ever-so-crucial Intimate Partner Primary Source – to me and cause them to attach to me.

Whether the barista thinks I am a pleasant and loyal customer, a junior colleague considers me an inspirational boss, the lady I pass every other day whilst out running gives me a smile of acknowledgement and admiration, whether a friend considers me someone he can turn to for advice, whether she falls hopelessly in love with me; there are thousands of different ways for these appliances to attach to me.

It might be a jealous co-worker who seethes at my arrogance, the nervous supplier who dreads my call demanding what is behind his company’s latest cock-up, the weeping cast off who was once the apple of my eye but is now a maggot-infested windfall, all of them remain attached to me.

It is through causing these appliances to be attached to me that I can exert control as I assimilate them into my world. They are mine to control, to utilise, to extract from and through this I can then control my environment. By controlling my environment I aim to minimise the traitorous ambush or the treacherous mutiny. Keeping everything in its place, subject to my control and functioning as I require it, means I drive forward and order is maintained.

Attachment is the key to achieving this. I have to draw you in, hook you, grip you, I have to bond you to me, bind you so you do not escape me, clamp you in place, tie you down and secure the attachment. I will give you the illusion of the golden period, I will lie to you, I will give you generosity, I will show you largesse, I will even exhibit some form of manufactured intimacy, kindness and support, the promise of fuel and the years of practised scrutiny enabling me to give you what you want so I secure your attachment.

Yet for all these fuel pipelines that are connected to me, for all of the bridges that have been built, the links which have been carefully constructed, they are all one-way. It is you being attached to me. I feel no attachment to you.

That is why I am so able to turn on the person that I supposedly love and watch as the tears trickle down the disbelieving face as I lambast her for wearing the wrong shade of red or turning up two minutes late. That is why I can lie between the silken thighs of another and promise her the world whilst you lie awake wondering where I am and praying that I have not been involved in a road accident. That is why I can assure you that you will be promoted by year end and in the next meeting offer it to somebody else instead. That is why I can decide not to turn up to the dinner party you have spent a month planning and go and watch a film elsewhere. That is why I can smash your grandmother’s watch with a ballpein hammer as you observe, in a fit of hysterics.

My lack of attachment allows me to disappoint, renege, cheat, lie, provoke, hurt, torture and abuse. It gives me fluidity, mobility and efficiency. I am not hampered by guilt, nor remorse or a sense of obligation. I form no attachment with you. I do not feel it.

You may ask me what I might think of those who I interact with and I can conjure up the tributes and platitudes in an instant:-

“John? Excellent worker, never lets the company down, a key member of the team.”

“She is a wonderful woman, I do not know what I would do without her. She is my world.”

“He is amazing. First name on the team sheet every week.”

“NarcSide Inc? Fucking brilliant. Use them. I did once. Never gone anywhere else.”

But for all of this I feel nothing by way of attachment. I bolt you on to me, but I will not attach to you. What does attachment bring? Nothing but misery. Look around and you will see the woe and pain that being attached brings for people.

You become attached to a pet dog which will die in 10 years’ time and you cry for the loss of your furry friend. Why? Why attach to something that is only going to leave you?

You are attached to your employer and show loyalty? What for? So they can bend you over and shaft you by making you redundant and show you the door without even a tub of lube to ease the pain of the experience?

You are attached to your house, but you have to sell it, or it burns down, or it is flooded, or someone breaks in and yet more pain is dumped on you.

You are attached to your friend and share everything with that person and then one day he is mowed down by an articulated lorry and is left nothing but a smear on the road. You are distraught, besides yourself with grief because of your attachment.

You attach yourself to a lover, a girlfriend, a husband, a partner only for them to cheat on you, to leave you for someone else, to shuffle off this mortal coil pumped full of morphine or grasping their chest as a heart attack takes them from you. Your world comes crashing in, you are shattered, besides yourself with grief and it is all because of your attachment.

You attach yourself to offspring only for them to disappoint you, leech from you, turn to an unsavoury lifestyle which embarrasses you and dismays you because you are attached to them. Or you are always worrying how they are getting on at school, will they secure that job, pass their driving test, find a good man or woman? Your feelings are put through the mill owing to this attachment.

Oh I know you will tell me that you gain so much from these attachments, love, happiness, support, understanding, companionship, joy, loyalty, a sense of achievement and more besides. I have heard it before, but I see over and over again the misery that always arises from these attachments. It is not worth it.

It is far better to never become attached in the first place. I cannot trust. How can I when I was given a salutary and compelling lesson that if you try to attach all you receive in return is rejection and misery. Better not to bother. Build the wall, dig the moat, put up the barriers, do not allow anybody in and in so doing you prevent these weakening attachments from occurring and you save yourself the inevitable, and it is always inevitable, misery that is waiting around the corner.

Yet for me, I do not even have to contemplate creating that tower or ensuring that the ditch is dug deep. I do not have to roll out the figurative barbed wire and electric fences to keep people out. This is all done for me because I do not know how to connect with someone. I have no idea how it is done.

I can attach them to me. That is easy. I have been doing it for as long as I can remember. A combination of brilliance, charm, magnetism, manipulation and the identification of those from the strong to the weak and back again who are the best for succumbing to being attached to me. I can bring that about through all of the various seduction techniques I have described before.

Yet for all of that power of attraction, which few can resist, from tertiary to secondary to primary source, I do not know how to form an emotional attachment with someone. I may align interests and outcomes and sense a mutuality of purpose but I feel nothing for these appliances. There is no bond. There is nothing attaching me to them. The emptiness within me, the void which I seek to fill with fuel from all those in my fuel matrix pervades my relationship with those in that matrix. I am hollow and that echoes in my relationships with all those around me.

Whatever it is that compels you to feel connected to somebody else, whatever you describe it as and I have heard people do so on many occasions, I remain unable to sense and experience it myself.

There is just nothing there.

Does this trouble me? No. I see the misery that comes with attachment and I see my inability to connect to anybody as an advantage so I am spared what happens to so many others.

The Creature had all of that and it can keep it.

I rose from the seat of misery and I found a new throne.


18 thoughts on “Attachment Is The Seat Of Misery

  1. Chihuahuamum says:

    This blog was on my mind yesterday. A gorilla i have followed for years koko passed in her sleep tuesady age 46. Her trainer penny worked with her since she was a baby. My heart was heavy and i shed tears bc she was such a special being. I thought about how painful it is for penny after all these years being without her best friend. Koko was her child and her life passion. She poured her everything into attaching to koko and in turn learning from her.
    What went thru my mind was this blog bc i thought about the pain we go thru losing people or animals we become attached to. I think of this often of my narc as well. Is it worth the heartache of becoming attached and losing them or being hurt by them? During the pain it feels like it isnt worth it and its safer to keep a distance and never attach. To stay neutral and put up walls. In some cases it is wise to remain detached especially in regards to toxic people but in everyday life if you dont form attachments youre missing the point of being alive. We were meant to form attachments and have meaningful bonds. The emotional pain is unfortuneatly part of it and serves as a reminder we are human and have a heart. That we have the capacity to love deeply. Thats a good quality and not an impairment. Fear keeps people especially with npd from attaching. They miss out on so much.

  2. Catherine says:

    Beautifully written HG; I love this article. And I do understand your point of view. When it comes to your need of controlling your environment (which you do by attaching others to you) it’s a trait I think you share with many of us empaths. Having the common history that both of us have of childhood abuse I think many of my kind need to exert control too. That’s what abuse does to you whether you grow up to be a narcissist or an empath later on. I’m a control freak in many ways. I was abused when a child and I need to control my environment to feel safe; to feel that nothing bad will ever happen to me again. Because I was taught that hurt and pain can ambush me at all times I need to be vigilant about it and to keep my eyes open. I need not to trust easily. And I never did trust that way. I’ve always been a loner with few, but close friends and it takes some time for me to open up with new people; my problem is that when I do open up I overdo it and share too much and trust indiscriminately. But I have trust issues and I have issues with intimacy too; maybe that’s why I choose men that somehow are distant or incapable of true bonding. The difference is that I want to attach; to bond, to have this mutually wonderful relationship. I consider it to be worth it even though I’m scared of exposure, vulnerability and misery.

    I read a study somewhere a while ago about adults having been abused as children versus normal adults without these issues in their past. And it turned out that if you put these individuals say on a bus the formerly abused adult could in all cases describe his/her environment in much more detail than the normal person could. Because we never know from where pain could be inflicted we always need to be prepared. I know I would easily be able to tell how many people were on that bus, or about the girl with the yellow scarf two rows behind me. That’s the kind of preventative measures I need to take unconsciously to protect myself. And I guess I sound like a narcissist now..

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you Catherine.

  3. Molly says:

    I think you really want to be attached and feel an emotional attachment …I sense it in your writing. It is a lie you tell yourself so you can keep on going. But I am a woman and I feel strong bonds for my two kids it is hormonal , maybe your hormones need adjusting ..and your brain needs shock treatment? These people fall for your trickery and facade and you fault them for it …so you only feel they are idiots cause they want the fake you. Stop doing the fake and see what you get …you won’t disappear your brain is still alive .

  4. Me says:

    That is a powerful piece of writing!! Wow….I would endure the pain of love/attachment over emptiness. This condition is clearly an attachment trauma. Sadly, I am again, moved to pity for the dozens of cluster B folk in my past, (present….smh…), and family. But if this essay doesn’t teach us that WE CAN NOT LOVE THEM TO HEALTH only painful experience will. The lack of attachment is THE core issue and when truly understood…or accepted (emotionally, not simply cognitively)….it makes action and self protection easier to do.

    Next blog…How I overcome narcissism and attachment trauma ( through my unique brilliance) lol. But seriously….I don’t accept this an incurable. I just don’t and won’t. And I’ve left these men…including a long term marriage. A treatment or cure has not been found YET. But the Bible says the God heals the broken hearted AND is the source of love.

    Therefore H.G. would you say there is any will or choice is refusing to learn how to love? Couldn’t you learn to go through the motions? Or are you truly subservient to this condition and your childhood? What ablut trauma informed therapy? EMDR?? Love Avoidance Recovery? Or is your main message : I can’t change ever….?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Love requires emotional empathy, I cannot be injected with empathy.

  5. geyserempath says:

    This was a very powerful article, HG. I watched in shock as he flirted with the older female neighbor he now has his sites on. He had kissed her 5-6 years ago and she had stopped it right there. She was far smarter than I was. But undeterred, he is now trying again. I identified the triangulation immediately, thanks to you. He stared at her in admiration and commented on her FB wall (as though the rest of us were invisible…). This article came at just the right time as I was wondering why he would try again. He has to cause her to be attached to him! Wow…how eye-opening. This explains everything.The best advice yet and words to live by: “It is far better to never become attached in the first place.”

  6. Lori says:

    Ok HG

    Mr. Narcy Narc has been showing up in our common groups here and there commenting on threads I have commented on. I leave the thread when he shows up. Today he is now commenting on a mutual friends post that I commented on numerous times . He doesn’t speak directly to me nor I to him.

    Am I reading into this? Or is this that calculated ? He has not reached out. Does this go on indefinitely?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Passive hoovers. Goes on for as long as there is a Hoover Trigger and the Hoover execution Criteria are met.

  7. Lori says:

    Geez HG that made me so sad for you.

    I have a question for you though. What happens when you have an ipps or an ipss the see’s this in you. They have not yet said you are a narcissist but they can clearly see you have attachment issues? And have you ever felt any inkling of attachment? Cause both my Narcs seemed really attached to their pet but not people

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Being the empaths that they are Lori, seeing these “attachment issues” causes them to work harder to try to fix and to heal which ultimately leads to problems for the victim.

  8. On My Journey says:

    Hence why maybe your kind is so afraid of us detaching … you know what being detached really means .

  9. sarabella says:

    That is where I share narc traits. My really effed up upbringing taught me by 12 to not ever attach. It hurt too much to keep losing everything that mattered to me (both people and things ). The only difference is that I don’t hurt on purpose for fuel. But ironically, it was the narc who made me see how on a level, I am incapable of attaching. How can something be so ironic? I wanted so badly to attach to him, but I could not. Noy from up close. I envied the friends he had that seemed attached to him. This is why he won’t ever hoover me. He would have to do much too much to get me attached again to him. He burned me so badly, he would have to work doubltime to get me to attach again to him. And it won’t happen.

    I actually am feeling very badly today that I can’t attach easily to people. I almost in a twisted way, think that if I could attach more easily, he would still be in my life. I feel bitter that I can’t attach. Not that I can’t feel it, I do, but I won’t let myself. I wish I were more like you. Where I wouldn’t both attach but also not feel it’s absence. Because I fucking miss him and nothing in me will open that door again. It hurt too much.

  10. Joy4Life says:

    Narcissists feel no attachment, yet they want others to be attached to them. I don’t know why this is so. Is it so that they can cause further pain to the victims? Or, so that they can control them? Or, so that the Narcissist can feel that much more important?

    It is true that attachment eventually produces misery. But, without attachment to our loved ones, life would be so empty and meaningless. It would take away much of our purpose, pursuit, and passion in life. Yes, without attachment, life would be so empty. Maybe this is why Narcissists have to hurt people… the void is inconceivably unbearable without it’s direction.

    I get attached to people and animals very deeply, and quickly; it has caused me great pain, but it has also given my life depth, beauty, and soulful meaning.

    In life, there is always suffering. It seems as if Narcissists have found a way to bypass this suffering. But, is it really a life? Your kind might think that it is the best way, but you don’t know what you are missing.

    This posts speaks of such cowardice pertaining to Narcissists. This is not meant as a put-down, but simply as the way I perceive it.

    Thank you for sharing this!

    1. K says:

      They attach appliances to them so can they can maintain complete control which ensures a steady supply of fuel, traits or residual benefits.

      We are wired to form attachments and we are able to handle the good, the bad and the ugly that comes with those connections, however, the narcissist is completely incapable of mourning/missing any lost attachment. The emotions that are needed to form intimate connections have been denied, so they cannot miss what they do not know/feel.

      1. Joy4Life says:

        “K”, Oh, I see. Thank you for your helpful response. I cannot imagine what it would feel like inside the head of a Narcissist, and sometimes I really am mystified by the entire thing.

        1. K says:

          You are welcome, Joy4Life
          It is almost unimaginable when you think about it.

  11. Anonymous says:

    “Build the wall, dig the moat, put up the barriers, do not allow anybody in and in so doing you prevent these weakening attachments from occurring and you save yourself the inevitable, and it is always inevitable, misery that is waiting around the corner.”

    Believe me…..I am not a narc but I really think that I am going to do this. I am going to become a hermit, a recluse.

    “It is you being attached to me. I feel no attachment to you.”

    You sure do a convincing job making me think that SHE is the only one you are attached to.

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