The Matriarch Narcissist Knows Best
“I love you.”
“I have heard this is a good one for getting a reaction from you because this is what you always want to hear.”
“You won’t ever amount to anything.”
“Not while I am interfering in every facet of your life, controlling you and making your childhood and your adult life one long battle.”
“I just thought I would call you and see how you are.”
“You do not give me enough fuel. You are an ungrateful son/daughter and I regret the day I gave birth to you.”
“It is my birthday next week and I just wondered if you had anything planned.”
“I expect something lavish and spectacular so I can be centre stage. If you haven’t planned such an event you are cruel and uncaring, just as I always thought.”
“I am proud of you.”
“For once you have done something I approve of and now I can take all the credit for it.”
“You were quite a challenge when you were younger.”
“I thought you might resist my cold-hearted manipulation of you, but I broke you in the end.”
“I suppose you have heard the sad news about your Uncle Paul dying?”
“A death! A funeral! Such a wonderful stage for me to dominate and all those relatives to suck fuel from.”
“I am trying to help you,you know?”
“I am trying to control you, stop resisting me.”
“I have done so much for you. All I want is some thanks.”
“I think I have done so much for you. I need some fuel.”
“It was a joke. You take yourself so seriously.”
“It was not a joke. Damn you for seeing through it. I need to back track quickly so I am not accountable.”
“You were an accident.”
“Go on cry and make me feel powerful.”
“Your father and I have discussed this as we think…”
“I have decided….”
“Your father agrees with me so there is no point running to him.”
“Your father knows better than to contradict me.”
“I had such high hopes for you.”
“You aren’t doing what I want.”
“That never happened.”
“It did but you are not allowed to hold that against me.”
“We never thought you would leave home.”
“You were not meant to move out of my control.”
“We hardly ever see you these days.”
“You should be providing me with fuel more often.”
“You weren’t like this when you were little.”
“You were so much easier to control back then.”
“I don’t love you.”
“I don’t love you. I never have.”
33 thoughts on “The Matriarch Narcissist Knows Best”
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“Oh, so I take myself too seriously? And that was just a joke, right?
Well HG says you’re a psychotic bitch, how about that?”
I’ve never heard the words “I don’t love you.”, but I know it to be true. It is a strange thing to grieve never having a mother, when the woman who gave birth to you lives an hour away.
My mother and I have an interesting relationship. I was born on her birthday and she has always called me her birthday twin, which expresses a special bond – and ownership. As a girl, she would bake me a cake on our birthday and the day was all about me (as she did for my big sister). My mother was sweet and I don’t recall any mean words from her (my father was different), but I was a small, quiet, shy and obedient child. She seemed to like to keep me close, but never allowed me to develop my interests or help me overcome my shyness and insecurities. No one taught me how to do for myself, including cooking, how much things cost etc – basically how to be self-sufficient. I have tried on several occasions, but I can’t seem to sustain it.
I have been told, “I hate your parents for the way that they have raised you. It is not your fault, but I am going to have to take care of you.”.
I would like to add that my older sister did nothing to help me, either. She was more interested in finding out if there was a little girl living in that big house at the top of the hill and then targeted her and made her into her best friend. She would go out to play and not invite me, walking out the door without even a backwards glance. To hear her speak about herself is so full of lies, making herself out to be a heroine. True, in a life or death situation, she was there. But when I brought my son home after spending the first six weeks of his life in an intensive care nursery, she told me never to ask her to babysit – she never did, not even once!!!
Honestly it sounds like a narc saying that to you, be careful narcs like the innocent shy type. I was very shy once and both my parents are normal. They also never help me to be confident or streetwise. But after having been throught shit in the big bad world i changed myself and became a strong person. My mother was just shy type herself and not so intelligent. But I have taught myself to be intelligent.
“The axe forgets, the tree remembers.” – African proverb
Raising a balanced man/woman is not for everybody. Is a fight with our selfishness, (something we all possess- narcs, empaths or normal people). Having children isn’t a way to control but a way to learn more about life and yourself. If you’re not prepared to see your own faults pointed back at you and learn something instead of getting revenge, you’re not prepared to have children.
I dont love you breaks my heart. If your mother said that HG or anyone elses mother to them that is so very wrong! Being a mother myself those words would neved come out of my mouth. They are deliberate and meant to hurt. So wrong 🙁
On the flipside every once in awhile my mother will say i love u in a text and i feel bad but i dont say the same back. Ive been so hurt by her it feels awkward. I do love my mother but im gaurded. Never again will i fully open myself up to her.
I feel the same way NarcAffair. Being ‘burned’ a few times by narcs in different situations makes you change. This also includes how you feel and how you respond to your parents.
There was a time when I would have strongly believed that there were ‘love’ bonds between myself and my Mum that existed and could not be broken, no matter how much we argued or how much she upset me.
Now I simply don’t see it that way anymore. It’s difficult to accept, but I now see that she is the way she is and I need to be vigilant about my own self-protection.
Dear Mr Tudor,
If I hadn’t come across your magnificent work, I wouldn’t be able to currently handle looking after my mum, finally understanding and knowing what she is!
You have given me the tools and strength to cope and deal with all the narcissist comments, looks, stares, replies and excuses from her, regarding the past and present.
Her biggest concern at the moment, is aging and constantly looking in the mirror and not believing what she sees…. it sucks to be a matrinarc … haha!
Your accuracy is unsurpassable Mr Tudor.
My heartfelt thanks for sharing your powerful knowledge.
You are welcome.
“I don’t love you”
“I don’t love you. I never have.”
That is a true statement and sums it all up, sadly. Yet she never understood what “love” is, or I should say she showed that what she was taught to be “love”.
The picture suits the changes.
Ah, my childhood tune. I remember it well.
What does a narc mother mean when she says “Go and kill yourself. Nobody wants you.”, “You’re worthless”?
You have let me down. Again.
Thank you very much, HG.
Every word. It’s amazing how unique she thinks she is and doesn’t realize there are millions of mothers just like her. Ordinarily boring really.
Lately I have been paying more attention to the Little Acons series and articles about parental narcissism. My mother has some narc traits (like denial and deflecting, boundary issues, issues with control, and a distorted version of reality) however I have always attributed this to the fact that she is severely mentally ill (schizophrenic). From what I can gather the behaviors between that and being a narc are very similar. My former therapist said that she felt my MRN represented my father which made no sense as he was the more stable parent. This connection made no sense to me. The more I read and apply similar experiences to my own the more I am starting to think that I am re-living the issues I experienced with my mother. My MRN knows much about my childhood and history but I often found that he seemed to know way more than I shared. As in he liked to analyze me frequently. “You did not get enough attention when you were a child which is why you seek validation from me. The more I get to know you, the more this makes sense to me”. Sometimes the way he talks to me and the stuff he says I feel like he broke into my therapist’s office (the one I saw when I was a child) and read my file.
I realize this commentary is all over the place, maybe it will make sense to someone and they can share their own perspective if they have gone through something similar. Childhood tribulations = current narc presence in life. Etc. And so on….
Gabby, it takes a long time until we are able to realise, who has been the one in our past. Some therapists say, that it is wrong, that women always choose someone like their father. They often marry their mother. Perhaps your mother has been diagnosed wrong …..or there was no complete diagnosis…
Please read the former comments about this topic too. You will find a lot of interesting information.
Mona,
I do not feel she was misdiagnosed but hey, it’s a theory I suppose. My MRN is nothing like my father but certain behaviors of his are like my mother’s. My father was there for me but my mother was not. I sometimes feel like I keep going in circles craving my MRN’s acceptance, attention and validation. Which I used to receive in vast amounts before he took it all back piece by piece. I craved everything he gave and I still do. Meh.
Very interesting, that you, HG, changed the picture and called her what she actually is: a matriarch narcissist. Did you not see her that way before? Did you not see her as a dark queen? Did you not see that she sacrificed her son for her own benefits? Did you not see, that she killed a lot of your emotions? (although you know it intellectually already for a long time). Do you feel it now? (no answers necessary)
I wanted to include the word ‘narcissist’ in the title for SEO reasons, hence the change. That is all.
Excellent update for SEO 🙂
Thank you SW
I literally feel ill reading these…
So sorry to you – and anyone else – who has been treated like this, by someone who is supposed to be a “Mom”… but is a “mother” of the first order. 🙁
How unbelievably sad. I am so sorry.
Absolutely!
That’s awesome. Right to the point, as always.
May I add some more?
I am proud of you.
Praise me for being such a great mother that enabled you to accomplish that.
Let me help you.
Let me drink all your fuel while you feel bad and later come up with this single one helpful deed for the rest of my life.
How’s your medical issue going?
Let me delight in your pain and offer some stories about how I managed to cope with a worse problem with ease.
What do you think about…?
Let me tell you what I think about it.
Your sister did a great job doing XY.
You’re worthless.
You’re the best thing that ever happened to me!
You’re my primary source.
And so much more …..
Batwings, were you your mother’s primary source as well? My deepest condolences.
Apparantly, I am. And I have been so for many, many years without ever realizing. I just only found out about it a few weeks ago, thanks to Mr. Tudor’s work. Finally everything falls into place.
Hi Batwings,
“How’s your (medical…) issue going?
Let me delight in your pain and offer some stories about how I managed to cope with a worse problem with ease.”
Thank you so much for sharing this. I always wondered why women do this to me.
“You’re my primary source.”
Does she expect you to be her caregiver?
Hi batwings…these are great examples too. I see my mother in them.
Ah….memories.
I heard on the radio this week that a new British study showed that 1 in 4 parents admit to having a favorite child. If I’m remembering the figures correctly… of those parents, 56% favored the youngest child while 26% favored the eldest. That was basically all that the announcer said, but I guess we can figure where that leaves those of us who fall in the infamous middle.