How Your Emotional Thinking Causes Excuses

 

 

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THIS IS A KEY ARTICLE IN TERMS OF BOLSTERING YOUR UNDERSTANDING.

The fact for so long you had no idea what you were dealing with resulted in you engaging in an anticipated behaviour. This behaviour is one which we regularly rely on in order to keep you in the dark. I have made mention of the various traits which we look for in those who make the most useful victims to us. One of those traits concerns your ability to try to find the good in everyone and everything. This is a typical empathic trait and along with all of the others which you possess causes you to flare up on our radar when we are seeking an excellent primary source. Your desire to see good means that it obscures your ability to see the bad or perhaps more accurately, to accept the bad. This is how your emotional thinking once again cons you and causes you to fail to see what is really happening, how you make excuses for the behaviour. Your emotional thinking craves the interaction with us, it is selfish and wants to experience all of the ‘good’ which flows from us and to convince you to ignore the bad. Your emotional thinking does not want you to acknowledge what is really going on and exit the relationship. Your emotional thinking wants to gag logic so it cannot be heard and cause you to overlook the bad in the hope of recovering the good once again. Thus, your emotional thinking will make you issue excuse after excuse for what we do, so you remain invested in the relationship with us. Accordingly, your emotional thinking continues our control of you. It is those who are empathic who suffer from this effect from their emotional thinking. They are convinced to consider their action as selfless, a reflection of how they wish to see the ‘good’ in people, how they make allowances and are tolerant – but when you are ensnared with our kind, all that is happening is that you are being prevented, by your own emotional thinking, from seeing what is truly happening and this is to your detriment.

Of course, at the time it is happening, you cannot see it happening because your insight is impaired by the emotional thinking. Occasionally, logic might just make itself heard (only to be ignored) as you notice that a certain behaviour is not acceptable but your emotional thinking rises once again and swamps that logic before it can gain a foothold in your mind. Emotional thinking whispers that excuse for you and it is easier to accept that than go along the rocky road of logic. Thus, your emotional thinking keeps you blinded to the truth and it is only later when you have been punched in the face by the gauntlet of brutal honesty that you finally pay heed to logic and with hindsight realise how you have been conned. It happens over and over again and is all because of your emotional thinking gaining control of your thoughts.

This is something we desire because it prevents you from truly recognising what it is that is happening to you once your devaluation has begun. We of course love to operate from a position of plausible deniability, we court ambiguity since we enjoy and need to twist and turn in order to achieve what we want. If you saw everything as stark and clear as I now describe our machinations to you, you would be more inclined to escape us and bring about that unwelcome cessation of our primary source of fuel. It would also make it harder to apply those hoovers when we wish to return you to the fold and have you engage in our cyclical endeavours once again. We present you with the truth of what we are on a repeated basis but although we offer it up in front of you, we never let you see it clearly. We draw a veil across certain elements, apply a smoke screen, obscure some parts and distort others. The reality is there before you. It is evident and plain but because of the way in which we purposefully manipulate you, you are unable to see it. It is akin to us pointing out a ship on the horizon. It is obvious for us to see but when we hand you a telescope to gain a better look at this vessel, the lens has been smeared with something which distorts the view, or we place our finger over part of the lens blocking your view.

The consequence of this distortion is to prevent you from truly seeing what we are. This in turn means that you are unable to form a clear and coherent view of the person which has taken hold of you. This becomes infuriating for others who we have not been able to drag into our façade, but who recognise full well what we are. These observers tell you what you are dealing with. They may be circumspect to begin with, hoping not to offend your sensibilities but over time their increasing exasperation causes them to come out and say it straight. Yet, such candour rarely finds favour with you because you do not like to be told something about someone as wonderful as us (or at least someone who was wonderful). You do not like to think that the golden period has gone. You do not like to be deprived of the idea that what you once had will never come back or even that it did not exist to begin with. Most of the reasons why you think like this is as a consequence of our manipulative behaviour, which further foes to underline that it is not your fault. Even your desire to see the good in people is not your fault either. That is who you are. We know that and we exploit it. It is our fault again but of course in the midst of the battle that we engage in with you, we will never admit that anything is our fault. That will never do.

Thus, your view of us is obscured and because of this you will always issue excuses to explain away our behaviour, our words and our actions. You make these excuses time and time again, to others and to yourselves. You believe these excuses because this is how you think and you have been led towards this train of thought by the schooling you have received at our manipulative hands and mouths. You also utilise these excuses to continue to convince yourself that the unsavoury elements of our behaviour are just an aberration, on occasional blip in respect of an otherwise magnificent person. Your charity is amazing and naturally most welcome for through this blinkered approach you divest us of responsibility for the things we do, something which aligns with one of our many stated aims. You prevent yourself from examining further the reality of what has now ensnared you and the repeated application of these excuses keeps you in situ. We want you to utilise these excuses. We want to hear them. We want them said to us and to others. Your excuses frustrate and alienate those who are against us, your excuses support out manufactured façade and most of all they ensure you deny to yourself that which is directly before you. Here are twenty-five of those such excuses. You will have said them and probably more than once. Understand that each time you utter one you have issued a further death knell for your prospects of escaping us.

  1. He is just tired; it makes him snap.
  2. He doesn’t mean it, not really.
  3. You don’t have to pretend with me, I just want you to be yourself.
  4. He has a lot on his mind at the moment.
  5. Work is particularly stressful for him.
  6. He sometimes has a bit too much to drink, but hey, who hasn’t been there?
  7. I think perhaps I am too harsh on him at times, it is my fault really.
  8. He is in a bad place but he will come through it.
  9. He is a complex person; you don’t understand him like I do
  10. It is just the way he is; I have got used to it.
  11. I know it seems bad but he does so much that is lovely; this is only a small part of what he is like.
  12. Nobody knows him properly, that’s why you think bad of him.
  13. He is a popular guy so he is always going to have women hitting on him.
  14. He has a temper, I know, but that’s part of what he is and it’s not for us to change him.
  15. I need to be more supportive and then he will be better.
  16. He’s not well at the moment but I will help him get through it, you will see.
  17. You’ve only heard one side of the story; he is not like that at all.
  18. Yes, well, his family would say that about him to cover up what they did to him.
  19. All he needs is to be loved and I am the one who is going to do that for him.
  20. You don’t know what you are saying anymore, it is okay, I do understand.
  21. It was a one-off, it won’t happen again.
  22. I know it was wrong but this time he has promised that he won’t do it anymore.
  23. You don’t understand the way that me and him are together.
  24. You are just jealous of what we have. Why can’t you be please for us, for my sake?
  25. I’m sorry, it was my fault.

Sound familiar?

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26 thoughts on “How Your Emotional Thinking Causes Excuses”

  1. You are the best writer on Narc abuse. I just read your 25 ways Narcs manipulate. Wow. I have been struggling so much as of late because I feel duped for the last 27 years. I filed for divorce last Aug. He was truly THAT good at manipulating me. He would marvel at how his EQ score must be so off the charts. Now I know the truth. Yes, Mark, you are the King of Emotional Manipulation.

  2. HG, this is off subject . But I have a burning question. Please consider answerving. I would greatly appreciate it.

    A while ago, I escaped a greater. One of his narcy friends tried to take his place, so to speak. He was there to catch me becuz he thought I would fall. In large part, with ur help, I did not fall. I was quickly dismissed becuz I’ve been following u daily and learning. Also applying as best I can at this stage of my recovery. Now I’m grieving that 10 day golden chase.

    The question: do narcs hang together and tag team like this?

    1. It is a possibility as the narc friend may well be a Lieutenant and there is more to his approach than you may realise.

      1. I am now in Supernova mode. I was cautious with, what I now know, was a lieutenant. I misjudged but it would have been worse had I not found your site . . . and applying as a novice, your directions.

        I drove to the airport. Last moment decision to go home. Get grounded. Regain my strength.

        I’m still okay with this experience. I would do it again, despite the pain. Because I’m learning so much from you. Thank you.

        However, if a man puts his hands on me again, he’d better kill me becuz I will go Supernova on his arse . . . one of us is going down. 💣

      2. Very true, I knew one and he sent one of his lieutenants whom,I know now; is a narc and I slept with him. 😂😂 Poor boundaries, no impulse control and I lacked the knowledge of my disorder at the time. I guess I was his NISS, no physical intimacy but I crossed the line with some video apps.

        I allowed the lieutenant to hang around hoping I was wrong but every piece fit the puzzle…i kept holding on to that last piece hoping it wouldn’t fit. (I guess like O.J’s glove). I played with it turned it the wrong way so it couldn’t fit, eventually I had to concede.

        What’s strange is I can accept the things I may perceive as good knowing it was all for fuel. Who doesn’t or haven’t wore that mask and still do. We lie to others and ourselves to satisfy our egos and to feed our emotions.

        I can see the bad and good in everything and everyone. I am learning to control my own emotions. This is not to rid myself of them but to use reasonable, logical, and emotional thinking all at once. My goal is logical thinking to be at the forefront of most situations. Hummmm🤔does that make me a narc? I don’t think so, it gives me the peace I need within.

    2. After sleeping on the above question, I have been dismissed from MY project. So my ex got even I guess. I hate the games. He used his friend and the fact that he couldn’t get yo me, but his friend could get me removed from MY project.
      The narc can ruin ur life. This won’t ruin me but it isnt pleasant–Im angry but ex is the last that will know . . . cuz I’m going to pretend I don’t care when really I’m seething. His narcy friend was getting no fuel from me si this appliance has been kicked to the side . . . take a bite out of the Big Apple.
      Narcs in the workplace . . . .

      1. HG, tx for keeping the above in moderation. I will need a consult when I get back from my trip. I need emotional clarity and I know I can accomplish this by being by my family and friends. Talk to you later.

  3. “punched in the face by the gauntlet of brutal honesty”

    Yup, that pretty much sums up HGs body of work!

  4. Absolutely! The Goggles from the Toolkit. And one more thing- sometimes, when we do talk about relationship problems (they pretend to,) we actually furnish them with excuses for their behavior that they may not even have thought of- more plagiarism.

  5. That was the first lesson I learned from HG… 🙂 I stated a reason for me to stay engaged and he warned me that once that reason would be met – my ET would find another reason to stay.

  6. Totally familiar HG.. what i still can’t fathom is that some narcissist’s appliances sense the red flags early in their interactions with them…for example, when their narc is initially caught lying a few times. However their other appliances such as their IPPS and IPSS still have no clue as to what their narcissist is and that they are being used by the narcissist…it is very infuriating watching him glide through all the positive fuel from these women yet other women see straight through the narc actions…this frustrates me so much because i cant warn the other appliances because as you say above, their excuses will be many to cover up their narcissist’s behaviour…

    1. It is a toxic combination of a lack of knowledge and the blinding effect of emotional thinking.

    2. Tiddlywink and Mr. Tudor, don’t you think, regarding the Primary Source, it is simply a case of ‘out of sight, out of mind?” I think they know there is something going on behind that curtain, but they are too scared to rip it open. “If I don’t look, maybe it will go away.” Believe me, I’ve seen the face of the Narc’s P-Source when she is not with him. It’s a combination of worry, frustration, and, sometimes, downright misery.

      1. SJS

        You are exactly right. I have been IPPS with one narc and IPSS with another. I did know when I was ipps. I did. I just chose not to deal with it

        It took me much longer to see it as Ipss but yes I eventually knew.

      2. Sara..yes possibly.. I have never met my ex narc’s IPPS because he said he was single when he conned me.. I have seen photos of her though, and recent photos of them on holidays overseas together and she looked happy. I know for a fact that she still worships this narc which makes me think she has no idea what he does behind her back. He uses work as his excuse for hardly being home in the evenings with her and she just buys that excuse because the narc is such a convincing liar. But underneath that content look who knows? Maybe she has some doubts somewhere…

    3. Yes..it absolutely is toxic HG.. and you know, since reading your blog, it seems people are now bringing narcissism out more in general conversation..but they refer to narcissism as being normal people in toxic relationships. Alternatively many people still refer to narcissists as egocentric and boasting self centred individuals, and miss the red flags, especially of the covert narcissist. I actually think the mid ranger covert narcissist is the worst type because of their ability to convince even the most intelligent person with their fakery and lies… thank you for enlightening me HG.. seriously …

    1. I made excuses for him. This article stung . . . I’ve done this for friends in my life, too . . . . I dislike the fact that I see the good in people because, although I get conned less now cuz Ive gotten burned so many times, I think most people hide behind a facade. I wear many different hats myself.

      1. But I don’t make excuses for who I am. After awhile I was always letting him down becuz I wasnt who he thought I was, I guess. Or I wasnt who he thought I would be. But he was really good at making his own excuses, but I helped him out. Now I look like the fool cuz others around me could see him and I was wearing rose colored glasses.

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