How The Narcissist Turns A Trait Against You


The chime of my ‘phone alerted me to the arrival of a text. There was nothing unusual in that. Scores arrive daily and this rises to beyond a hundred and more when the glorious seduction has commenced of a fresh, prime target. I looked over with half-interest to my ‘phone and see a name which attracted a greater level of interest. It is from Jane. An ex. One of the many exes. I stopped what I was doing and reached for my ‘phone and opened up the message.

“It would be 2 years today x”

A flame rose inside of me at this sudden provision of fuel. Even better it was unsolicited. Goodness me, would it have been two years? How time flies. The power flowed, generated by this welcome dollop of fuel. Dear Jane, always the one for remembering dates. She sent me a card and a gift to mark 1 month together. She pole-danced for me to commemorate one month since we first had sex (no the pole-dance and the card and gift were on different dates, just in case you were wondering. I am a gentleman after all). She sent a card to remind me that is was three months since our first kiss, a month since I first stayed overnight at her house, six months since we first set eyes on another. I used to call her the Chronicler for her ability to remember the anniversary of certain key moments in our relationship. At first I was suitable impressed by her memory and power of recall but then I realised that she had assistance. On one particular occasion I was having a good look around her house whilst she was out, opening draws, cupboards and so on in order to learn more about this enticing individual who I had seduced and in the process of this trawl I found a diary. At the rear she had a list of key moments in our relationship with the date written next to it. First date, first kiss, first time we had sex, first time pet name was used, first weekend away, first “I love you” and so on. Each milestone, from the trivial to the fundamental had been carefully written in her neat hand-writing (she always wrote with a Mont Blanc fountain pen – something which I liked until I decided to bend the nib one day after she accused me of forgetting her mother’s birthday. I didn’t forget. I deliberately did not remember). Each moment, each occasion had been carefully committed to the rear of this diary and beside it the date inserted as well. I was impressed and as I sat reading it, I felt the fuel of her dedication and admiration pouring over me. She was not there to do it but I knew from reading those neat entries just how much we meant to her, just how important I was and the fuel flowed. I remember sitting on her bed clasping the leather bound diary and realising that Jane was meeting my expectations and that I had such high hopes for her. The reminders and commemorations kept coming. She never forgot anything. Naturally the more traditional anniversaries – birthdays, Christmas and so forth were addressed and not only for me, but close friends, family and even Matrinarc.

Of course this slavish devotion to the recollection of events could not go unused by me. When she fell from grace and her denigration and devaluation began I would always send her a reminder written in black ink (using a superior Mont Blanc fountain pen) on a crisp piece of thick white paper inserted into a stylish small envelope. I would leave these reminders on her pillow, on her car seat, under her windscreen wiper, in her bag, on her laptop and so forth.

–         1 week since I last spoke to you –

–         2 months since our first argument –

–         5 days since I rang you –

–         A month since we last made love –

–         A week since the last silent treatment –

–         Three months since I took you anywhere

I have no idea if the timing was entirely correct with some of them, it was the effects I was after. Sometimes she would telephone me and question why I had done this. If it was during a silent treatment I said nothing but listened, allowing her strained tones to fuel me. Other times I would just stare at her and then snarl an insult, causing her to jump and her fearful look would naturally provide me with further fuel. On other occasions she did not manage to contact me but it did not matter because I knew how she would be responding as I used the very thing she liked to engage as an endearing gesture from her to me in our relationship, against her. We like to take the wonderful and then batter it, rust it, twist it and warp it so it resembles something else entirely and this act of defiling is powerful indeed in its effect.

Soon I accelerated their use at one stage having them delivered through her door on a daily basis.

–         One day since I realised I hate you –

–         Two days since I realised I hate you –

–         Three days since I realised I hate you –

–         Four days since I realised I hate you –

–         Five days since I realised I hate you

–         Six days since I realised I hate you –

–         Seven days since I realised I hate you –

–         Eight days since I realised I hate you –

–         Nine days since I realised I hate you –

–         Ten days since I realised I hate you –

–         I don’t hate you. I love you –

That last note was a highly effective respite hoover which had her call me straight away and I answered straight away and her sobbed relief poured over me with such potency, marvellous fuel that it was. Once again by using the very tool she deployed in our relationship I was able to bend it and her to my will.

Eventually she was cast aside, the new prospect of Andrea having come into my sights and dear Jane was removed, not even afforded the courtesy of being a memory. That is until that text message arrived.

A foolish move on her part to reach out to me in this way but having received the text, I knew that it was inevitable she would have done it and indeed I know that when it is 3 years, 5 years or 10 years she will keep sending these reminders. Her memory had been conditioned this way. Notwithstanding the pain it will invariably cause her she wanted me to know that she remembered still. The addition of a single ‘x’ was the green light which told me that my follow-up hoover (of course there would be one) will succeed and she would respond to it. Dangerous to apply those kisses. She had entered my sphere of influence. I did not want her back, I was busy with Andrea and that seduction, but this reminder told me that there was fuel just waiting to be collected. All I had to decide was how I was going to go about. There was no need to be malign about it, a benign follow-up hoover would work but in what form and for how long? That was what then occupied my mind as once again I remembered dear Jane and her delicious fuel. So good of her to remind me.

68 thoughts on “How The Narcissist Turns A Trait Against You

  1. Tiph says:

    The Narc keep blocking me and unblocking me , texting me and blocking me again .
    I know he has a new girlfriend but it’s botjung serious since it will never be serious with him.
    I wanted to show him no emotion no reaction from me but should I block his number so he stops his little game ?

  2. K says:

    Yes, it was. You may find this article helpful.

    1. MB says:

      I assume since HG posted the question without an answer, he didn’t want to talk about it. The article only says she’s dead and no more.

      Thank you for the link K 😊

      After reading the article above about the notes in the mailbox, I can imagine how one could be driven to end their suffering. And this is not even an extreme example. To have the one person that means the most to you, and would do anything for, to turn against you in such a horrible way would be devastating. I expect those that love me to accept me as I am, support me, and to always be on my side against those that wish to do me harm. If those very people BECAME the enemy and used the fact that I loved them against me…I don’t think I would have the strength to continue.

      It made me think that if anybody could drive a woman to suicide, it would be the Malign Dragon. And if that was the case, it would be interesting to hear his thoughts on the matter now that he is in the reflective space of therapy. Very personal question indeed. When he didn’t answer, I knew I was out of line. Nothing on this blog is any of my business. He is gracious to share as much as he does and I am forever grateful. But there are of course boundaries that we learn of from time to time and I assumed this was a place we do not go.

      1. K says:

        You are welcome MB
        You are not out of line and the blog is available to the public and, therefore, open to discussion/questions. I RSVPed because I remember reading about it. This comment may be helpful and it can be located on the link below and then you can read the thread.

        HG Tudor
        JANUARY 24, 2017 AT 16:55
        No. It was my treatment of that person which was alleged to have driven them to commit suicide.

        1. MB says:

          Resident librarian to the rescue again 😊 Thank you K.

          Many others were treated the same or worse but did not choose the same option. Unless he fired the gun, held the smothering pillow, shoved her down the stairs or the pills down her throat, he did not kill her.

          For someone to take their own life, there is underlying mental illness. I just feel sad that she didn’t get the help she needed in time. I’m sure the stress of the devaluation didn’t help matters, but I don’t consider HG as solely responsible.

          I feel very intrusive and I really do feel out of line for bringing it up. I’m sorry HG.

          1. K says:

            You are welcome, MB, I found it in non-fiction and, rest assured, HG takes no responsibility for the matter whatsoever; he instinctively rejects blame or culpability for the incident. Other people have brought it up before, so don’t feel like you were out of line or being intrusive; you are a truth seeker and you don’t have to apologize for that. It is an empath trait.

          2. MB says:

            You’re my bestest virtual friend K! Thank you!

          3. K says:

            Ha ha ha…my pleasure, MB! Now that we are bestest virtual friends, we can do virtual pinkie swears, punch buggy no punch backs and play Miss Mary Mack.

          4. MB says:

            Omg! I haven’t thought about Miss Mary Mack Mack Mack in forever, much less played with a friend. You made me smile. I need it on this dreary Monday!

          5. K says:

            Ha ha ha…I told HG I would lay off the emojis, MB, so picture a yellow circle with happy eyes and a smile!

          6. MB says:

            What’s HG got against emojis? Best. Invention. Ever. And don’t even get me started on my Bitmoji. They even make an emoji for Narcs 🐉
            Not compatible with WordPress? I don’t want to displease the boss.

          7. NarcAngel says:

            HGs disdain for emoji is palpable. He calls them yellow blobs. To use them is to poke the bear lol. Proceed at your own risk (psst………rumour has it theres a trap door and several people have gone missing).

            Nothing HG! Just giving directions to the washroom………

          8. Julie says:

            Oh dear god… i just saw this and used one…i didnt know..apologies HG ((eye squints))

          9. K says:

            Tread carefully, I heard there are monsters in the Tudor Dungeons.

          10. Julie says:

            Lol it was an honest oops. I dont want to mess with the bull and get the horns so I’ll stick to reading the wonderful articles and comments and be a wall watcher. I saw that post right after i made a comment with a emoji and I almost diiiieddd ughhhhh

          11. Narc Angel says:

            Dont be a watcher! – join in. He just gets a bit surly about emoji, but if he sets his lasers on you, K will distract him with a mirror while I run and fetch 2 fresh souls from Emp R Us to soothe him while you make your getaway. Its all good.

          12. Julie says:

            Narc angel..lmaoooo!! You are hilarious. I read everything and occasionally comment. Its a great site ! I only wish I would’ve found it sooner! You just made me giggle the most I have giggled in a long time! Ty (hugs)

          13. K says:

            Ha ha ha…fabulous proxy hoover and Power Play, NarcAngel!

            Don’t worry Julie, we have practiced this manoeuvre several times and it is guaranteed to work excellent well, however, in the event of an emergency, we will deploy plan B: Point dramatically over HG’s shoulder and say, “Look! There’s a beautiful Super Empath walking all alone.”
            and while he is distracted, we will run away in different directions.

            If you get caught deny everything or point the finger of blame elsewhere.

          14. Julie says:

            Omg you ladies crack me up lolll! Unfortunately Id probley be that super empath and end up buying HG a brand new Ferrari and a rolex and a polo pony lolll!!!

          15. K says:

            Don’t worry, Julie, If you get ensnared by HG, I will give you NarcAngel’s copy of “Hurt God’s Ultimate House of No Contact” since I am all done reading it. When you are finished reading it, please pass it on to the next empath you meet.

          16. Julie says:

            K.. I have those already I think. I downloaded a bunch the other day and reading them at present. Im sure I am safe from HG lol.. although… you mist admit his voice his rather seductive. Lollll

          17. NarcAngel says:

            Its only no contact with narcissists. No one said you couldnt listen to Hush and his Youtube videos and have ahem…contact with yourself. His material is meant to be educational – not punitive.

          18. Julie says:

            Narcangel… oh my! (Note to self) lmao.In all seriousness I prefer to listen to the youtube videos but they are not as long and in depth as the books I think.

          19. NarcAngel says:

            So THATS where my book is! I should have had a Clue it would be with Professor K in the Library.

          20. K says:

            Clue is such a fun game! Guilty as charged. What can I say, I am a bibliophile and a logophile which is better than being a necrophile. Great book BTW!

            I concur, his voice is seductive and he is quite the silver-tongued devil.

          21. Julie says:

            You got that right. Lordy! Lol
            It is so hard not to use emojis…. ughh

          22. MB says:

            Thanks for the heads up NA. The bear’s blog, the bear’s rules.

          23. NarcAngel says:

            You worded that to my thoughts exactly but I was too lazy to sort it and put it down lol.

          24. K says:

            No worries, my “psychic” empath abilities honed in on your thoughts via the Cosmic Highway of Clairvoyance and I simply wrote down exactly what you were thinking, word for word. Think of me as your “spiritual” secretary.

          25. NarcAngel says:

            You often make me laugh but you are a serious asset here. I dont know how you keep it all straight as both Queen of Archives and Tudor Concierge. You are always quick to acknowledge with a comedic quip or a word of comfort and it is appreciated by many.

          26. K says:

            Thank you, NarcAngel!
            My secret is cannabis-Infused edibles. On a serious note, when I first joined narcsite I was miserable, but the humor here was superb and that played a significant role in my recovery. Your fearless ability to wade through the bullshit coupled with your clever wit has made you an asset, as well. It is like a comedic quid pro quo and hopefully the levity will help ease the sadness and pain that visits the heart and soul of each and every reader that finds his or her way here.

            I have no idea how I keep it all straight either but when I find out I will let you know.

  3. SMH says:

    HG, I have my narc on email right now and I am reading this at the same time (I am reading it for the second time today). It is helping me to deal with the twistedness of me making a simple request, for which I have been preparing myself for weeks because I knew he would give me the run around, and sure enough, he’s given me the run around this whole week, and it came to a head today. So here I am waiting for him to respond (8 hours of this now) with some of his word salad or accusations, all because I made a simple request with which he does not want to comply, because it would mean that he is doing something for me.

    This is what he uses against me: my desire to have confirmation of something, a date/time, a commitment or just that he hears me. He uses that desire against me to refuse to commit or acknowledge or confirm. I end up in angry tears and he ends up telling me that he wants to see me (I don’t want to see him but I need him to do something for me), but he is stuck at home and anyway I am insulting him because I pointed out that he is giving me the run around. So suddenly it is MY fault. He of course has tried his best.

    It gives me strength to read your words, even though they are horrible.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome SMH. The brutal truth will set you free.

      1. SMH says:

        He kept me on email for close to 10 hours on and off, apologized several times for ‘upsetting me,’ referred to ‘our’ plans which fell through but he had not clued me as to what ‘our’ plan was (apparently he planned to come over but did not tell me that), pretended to not understand when I pointed this out, went all silent and then told me he didn’t know what to say because it just made it worse, and FAILED to commit to the original request. I am not as vulnerable as I once was to this manufactured chaos because I have nothing to lose anymore and I will make him comply if it is the last thing I do, so I am not in complete despair – but close to it! I threatened to go to his house, told him he has a disability and I’ve told him before that he is a psychopath. It doesn’t seem to bother him in the least!! He just pretends to not understand, talks me down, and then goes off to dinner with his daughters and his co-dependent wife. Can’t make this stuff up. Again, thank you for your guidance.

      2. SMH says:

        Hi there HG, Over the weekend I told him I was not amused by the chaos and manipulations – the 10 hours on email during which he got me all worked up and acted all innocent. But he was quite pleasant.

        It suddenly occurred to me that he is punishing me for my escape by really turning the screws. I haven’t told him as much but he knows this is the last thing I want from him and that after this I will go complete NC. Even though he does not really want me in the normal sense, he has to punish me as ‘the one that got away’ (escaped his clutches). Do you think I am reading him correctly?

        Once again, thank you! You deserve a Nobel Prize for this site. I really do not think I would make it through this final stretch with my sanity intact without it. Whenever I am confused, I come here for the answer.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Thank you and I agree.

          1. SMH says:

            Maybe you and Trump can vie for the Nobel Peace Prize 🙂

          2. HG Tudor says:

            The Donald and me are tight. He will let me win it.

          3. SMH says:

            He’s only a lesser anyway. You deserve it over him.

          4. SMH says:

            I did it. Made him delete over 3000 of our emails. He said he didn’t save them but when he searched, hundreds came up, so it seems he lied. As he was fussing around, I briefly saw another woman’s name, which didn’t surprise me because I ended our affair months ago and told him he would find someone else.

            He sees his emotional limitations but says he doesn’t manipulate or try to hurt anyone. He always has an excuse for withdrawing – now it is that I insulted him, even though I think I was pretty selfless and gentle until recently, despite the constant hurt. In any case, we didn’t rehash too much. I just pointed out that each time I thought it was over or tried to end it or ended it, he has revived it. He can’t see the patterns because he won’t revist the past. He lives only in the moment and in the future.

            He insisted that he doesn’t online stalk me – said he never uses X site, but I saw he was on X last time I thought he stalked me (which prompted my request that he delete our emails, as did the fact that it never seems to be over – I needed to cut the cord). Must be another lie because it is evident that he was on X the same day that I thought he stalked me. He also acted ignorant about his fake Y profile, even though it is attached to his fake email. I told him the name of the fake Y profile and there was a brief flash but I couldn’t tell what he was thinking. He simply denied it, again despite the evidence.

            I know he lies because of course he is lying to his wife (affairs) and he lied about being divorced and his name when we first met. He also lied the worst time he stood me up. I think he must lie about everything but I don’t understand how someone can be so easy, bright, reasonable and boyish on the surface – be very successful professionally and have an intact, healthy family – but underneath be so deceptive. It’s kind of like multiple personalities or a person who is so fragmented that he seems like two different people.

            Does that make sense for a mid-ranger, HG? I hope you can reply at least to tell me that I am not imaging things because this is all very painful. *I* feel guilty for my reactions and for having any needs at all, and I don’t want to feel this way. This is what always draws me back in – thinking I can fix things because I messed them up in the first place, even though I know that is not true. Thank you.

          5. HG Tudor says:

            It does. Do understand that the intelligence of the narcissist does not impact upon their inability to see what you see, this inability is owing to the Narcissistic Perspective. Hard as it may seem to you and that you think ‘how can he not see’ this is owing to the nature of his self-defence mechanism which is narcissism. The narcissist’s intelligence impacts on the nature of the machinations and manipulations.

          6. NarcAngel says:

            How do you know he deleted the emails?

          7. SMH says:

            NarcAngel, He did it in front of me. I had him search on my name (I watched), delete them all and then empty his email trash. He did it on my computer so there’s no chance they are in a cache somewhere. He did not know what I wanted so he was not one step ahead. I still have them if he ever wants one! (God knows for what.) My goal was not to erase him or us. I always felt a power imbalance because I used an account with my real name and he used one with a fake name. It felt like another way he owned me. I also did not trust him as socially there are only two degrees of separation between us. There were too many ways one of his multiple personalities could have used them :).

          8. SMH says:

            That makes perfect sense. He’s very smart but it’s focused and limited. He appears to be plotting but makes many mistakes (eg suddenly having a messaging chat with me after two years of only using his fake email – now I have a record of a chat with his name on it and a conversation about my feelings about having an affair).

            He gets caught out but denies it to protect his ego. His narcissism makes him erase the obvious. That’s one reason I stuck it out for so long – I *knew* that he was attached but he has this incredibly rapid approach/avoidance thing, though he has never ever insulted me or been violent. It’s like dealing with a six year old boy who needs his momma but is also testing his independence. But he’s not six years old, so it feels like psychological abuse because, like a six year old boy’s momma, my needs do not exist.

            It’s very hard for me to stay angry, which is one reason it’s been so hard to disengage. He’s both evil and naive.

            Intellectually, I understand it thanks to you and this site, but practically, it makes absolutely no sense. It seems to be a very self-destructive survival skill. Utter madness. It is a mental illness.

      3. SMH says:

        Getting closer. I smell victory.

  4. Omj says:

    Thanks for this … that is a great reminder to stay away when we are away … no need to remind them of anything – just stay out of trouble.

    I laughed at your notes – even if they are terrible ..

  5. Melissa says:

    What happens HG when you play their game along side them and they slip. My midlevel is a drug addict so I did no contact for awhile. Due to us living in a small town. I can’t afford to disappear so now I play the game.
    He has slipped badly lately. I’m not scared and he’s back away…. AWAY

    1. HG Tudor says:

      What do you mean by “game” and what do you mean by “slip”.

  6. Challenge Fuel says:

    Good grief this made me feel nauseous. Reminds me of:

    “I am going to block you. It will happen someday, mark my words.”

    “I am not going to block you.”

    “I need to be dead to you. And I am not cutting the cord now, but I will someday. You will force my hand to cut the cord.”

    “Relax okay? I love you. I am not going to cut you off.”

    Roller coaster is giving me nausea.

    Your words and stories really get under my skin, HG. As awful as it is to read some of this stuff, you are doing a good thing by sharing this with us.

    1. Stéphanie says:

      That makes me cringe – almost the exact words were used for me: “relax…I’m not going to forget you…”

      1. Challenge Fuel says:

        Hi Stephanie,
        “Relax I am not going to forget you” …. Oh I heard that one too!!!

        I also heard: “It is scientifically impossible for me to forget you. I could not forget you even if I wanted to, which I don’t!”

        They enjoy using the word “relax”. Mine told me “Breathe!!!! Just breathe!!!” ALL THE TIME.

        Again with this narc textbook of their repeated lines they spew.

        1. Julie says:

          I’d be a rich woman if I had a dollar everytime I heard “you need to relax”… geeshh ((eyeroll))

  7. Carolyn says:


    do you think that Heathcliff was a narcissist? And what about Cathy? Of course he was extremely possesive but he didn’t start the deavuation for no reason, I think that maybe she was the one who pulled his strings? Or maybe from his point of view they had a golden period and that’s why he wasn’t cruel to her while she was loving and caring? And his narcissism came up when she betrayed him? But on the other hand he was devastated after her death or maybe it was just a fuel crisis? What do you think? And which school he could belong to?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Heathcliff has narcissistic traits but was not a narcissist. Cathy was a narcissist.

      1. Carolyn says:

        Oh, thanks!

        And these lines are about hoovering I guess haha

        Heathcliff, it’s me, your Cathy, I’ve come home
        I’m so cold, let me in your window
        Heathcliff, it’s me, your Cathy, I’ve come home
        I’m so cold let me in your windoooooowwwwww

        1. HG Tudor says:

          It is and a genius song.

  8. SMH says:

    Ugh this is gross. “We like to take the wonderful and then batter it, rust it, twist it and warp it.” Sad, sad, sad.

  9. ava101 says:

    Do you have an idea HG, how to know if someone is mirroring me on purpose, or if I am projecting sth into someone or if it’s genuine, like just really same taste?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I do.

      1. ava101 says:

        Oh, great.
        And would you care to explain?

  10. Stéphanie says:

    Oh, HG, a gentleman? “Any man who possesses integrity, compassion, generosity and courage carries a title to gentility. Whoever lacks three of these four virtues ought never to be called a gentleman.” — Reliquiae Antiquae

    1. MB says:

      Integrity – check
      Generosity – check
      Courage – check, check
      Compassion – not so much
      But he gets 2 checks for courage.
      Yes, HG Tudor certainly is a gentleman.
      Not sure about that other guy that we do not know

    2. MH says:

      Excellent quote!

      1. Dragonfly says:

        I agree MB. Great quote and 3 out of 4 ‘aint’ bad. HG is a gentleman for the reasons you stated.

        1. MB says:

          If he wouldn’t kick kittens, he might could get a half check mark for compassion. On second thought, nah. No genuine compassion is evident, but he owns it like a boss.

  11. Julie says:

    Great article once again HG.
    I wouldnt ever bother texting an ex N. I MAY answer one (it would be hard not to) if they texted or called but once I feel like I have bothered someone I dont want to feel that way anymore. If that makes sense. I usually give them a piece of my mind before I escape so never a hoover been done.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you Julie.

  12. MB says:

    After reading this, it reminds me of an earlier post I once read here on the blog. The one appliance that is unable to be hoovered; was it a suicide?

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