5 Howling Wildernesses


Five reasons it cannot work

1. Nothing about the golden period is real

It feels like every day is summer doesn’t it? Warm and wonderful. No rain clouds anywhere, just a cornflower blue sky. Not a cloud to be had. Everything is fantastic. We do everything together. We match on every conceivable level. I like what you like. We laugh at the same things. We enjoy the same books and films. I know what you are about to say. We like to cook together, try new wines and explore interesting places. Whether it is forest or foam, city or village we both enjoy going to these places and do so together. We are soulmates. I do not want anyone but you. You have finally met the person that you have wanted all of your life. You still cannot believe how lucky you are to have found someone like me, someone who cares for you, holds you, loves you and showers you with attention, praise and affection. What would you do without me? You struggle to even remember what life was like before I appeared, shiny and exciting. You never want it to end and you allow this golden effect to permeate deep inside you, touching every part of you. Every fibre of your being is coated with my golden touch. None of it is real. You have spent all your time looking at a mirror whilst wrapped in an illusion. I was never any of those things. I just showed you wanted you wanted to see, said what you wanted to hear and did what you wanted to experience. I am a con-man, a charlatan and a fraudster who trades in fake love and steals your true love. I am not what you think I am, I never was and I never will be.

2. Nothing is ever good enough

How soon the golden and glistening empire rots and rusts, those gleaming towers of glass and chrome shatter and crumble. What once seemed like it would stand for a thousand millennia has come crashing down. You scurry left and right, attending and caring, working yourself into a frenzied confusion as you try to hold it together. You cannot accept that this is happening and you try your utmost to stop the cascading stone and the splintering timber but it is an impossible task. You can no more prevent this edifice from tumbling to the ground than you can hold back the tide. The manifestation of this crumbling empire and your frantic efforts to rebuild it comes in how you try and try to please me. You give more of yourself each day in your desire to salvage what you understand, wrongly, to be us. You steadily erode your integrity in a bid to please me, make me happy and do whatever it takes to make things good once again. Each time you think you have got there, the bar is raised higher and then higher still. You keep giving and I keep taking. What worked last week is now scorned. What made me tell you that I loved you a month ago annoys me instead. I no longer want to be with you or be touched by you. No matter how hard you work, cook, clean, tidy and care. No matter how much effort you put into maintaining your figure, dressing attractively and taking an interest in my day, you are only ever met with scowls, scorn and abuse. You do not give up, not yet, but you fail to realise that this is a hole which can never be filled.

3. Nothing stops the games being played

The tears in your eyes will not abate the cruelty. The soft glistening tears which roll down your cheeks only appear as blood to the cruising shark. A green light to continue with the denigration and vicious nastiness in order to provoke more emotion from you. Today is a day of silence. The shoulder cold and brutal as you try to fathom out what is wrong and what you have done. Tomorrow is all smiles again although you are none the wiser as to what has happened to change that but by sundown you will be traipsing to a cold and empty bed as I vanish once again. I sit in my chair seemingly staring into nothingness but I am mentally flicking through my Devil’s Toolkit as I consider my next move. I arrange the pieces, you, my friends, my family, your friends, the neighbours and the man in the sandwich shop. All of you pawns on my giant chessboard as I decide where you should go. You try to learn the rules, to stay onside and avoid transgression but these games are played with just one rule. There are no rules. I revel in my gamesmanship as each day I deploy a new machination against you. These games will tear you apart and you can never hope to win at them.

4. Nothing surpasses fuel

Everything revolves around obtaining fuel, from you, form him and from her. It is a ceaseless quest for my lifeblood which ensures that I am always on the hunt. Restless until I find sufficient fuel and then planning the next move, this need comes above all else. Events are disrupted, dates are delayed, birthdays are ruined and anniversaries forgotten all in order to acquire my fuel. Your needs are placed way below mine, for fuel is everything. I have no responsibilities save the acquisition of fuel so children, jobs, money, health and harmony are all left at the wayside, neglected and abandoned to enable me to pursue the only thing that truly matters to me. I will do anything, say anything and be anything to obtain this fuel. Fuel makes me hurt you, fuel makes me seduce your best friend, fuel makes me fire the nice guy in the office, fuel makes me take centre stage at get togethers. Fuel is all.

5. Nothing will ever change.

There are those of my kind who know not what they are and any such attempts to pin them with the blame of awareness will be resisted with the speed and instinct of pulling your hand away from a flame. They do not know what they are but they know that you are the enemy, seeking to foist change when it is not needed, a part of your attempt to control them and punish them when they have done nothing wrong. Change is not needed and will never happen with them. Those of us who know what we do see no reason to change. We are conquerors, pioneers, leaders and ubermensch. We are supreme beings and we are always right. You make the changes to yourself and fit in with my new world order. I am mightier than you. This all works for me so why should I change? I am not required to change, I am the decider, I am not the one who is decided upon. I rule. I am not ruled. This is how it is and it shall always be the case. Deal with it. I will not change and I cannot change. I know what I am but I choose this, who would not do so when you are as triumphant and brilliant as I am? Nothing will ever change.

Besides, I am terrified of change.

49 thoughts on “5 Howling Wildernesses

  1. malo says:

    Nothing about the whole relationship is real.
    Afterwards, we have to delete the time of the whole “relationship” from our minds.
    We cannot have any memories because everything was a lie.
    We cannot go back in time for any reason because everything is binded with all the lies.
    That is cruel and hurts too much.


  2. WhoCares says:

    Narc affair,

    “Terrified of change” …like freefalling without a net? Without a parachute?

    What if you freefell so many times and maybe once or twice ‘someone’ or ‘something’ caught you…fine, then your risk freefalling again at some point.

    But what if you did it and every single time – in your experience – nobody and nothing was there to meet your descent?

    I know in my own experience with the fallout of my entanglement I was so panicked – but moved toward action – that I risked everything for what I hoped would be a better outcome. I truly did not know what that outcome would look like or even feel like but I could only look forward. The only truth I knew at that moment was “forward movement only” and anything could have gone wrong at that time but my only other truth at that moment was “no going back.”

    It was like the sensation of being both pulled by a magnet ahead of me and repelled from another behind. Nothing else mattered in that moment.

    But somehow, from my own experience, I could at least trust in myself to find a safe haven. Perhaps others cannot trust in themselves because they cannot even ‘see’ themselves.

    1. Omj says:

      The issue is that we see change or changing as a freeze- unfreeze- refreeze.
      Something quasi magical, rapid, instant that feeezes is in the new change forever.
      In reality those are not the majority of changes. Incremental small actions , behaviors , repeated create the change overtime .
      There is a saying that says «  you don’t know your are crossing the bridge until the bridge has been crossed ( not sure of exact words)’´

      You don’t swim in the same river twice, sometimes someone tells you about things you have change and you go back to resisting this change.

      As per our topic – I would assume the resistance to change of a narcissicist is really strong given that their strategy works and others ought to change not them it is part of the disorder. Also for the greater , it works for them … why change? To please empaths who love them ? There are millions of empaths to chose from … Besides where would the demons and the beast go they have no other home !!!

      Dr George says only behavioural therapy works. I know we are not necessarily talking or asking ( how dare we) HG to change but isn’t what is happening now with this blog and the consults etc ?

      Incremental changes to create other brain Paths ? There is an objective : secure money – but don’t we all need an objective to change and that is my whole point , why would they want to change ?

    2. narc affair says:

      Hi whocares…ty for your reply. I agree to some the risk is too high and the fear too great and thats why they remain stuck. Its sad. Ive found myself that way but at least im learning and chipping away slowly at the fear and learning about myself. You do inevitably have to make that leap of faith and take the risk of change to improve your life and get out of the sutuation youre in. Most narcissists never do.

  3. WhoCares says:


    That just made the most sense ever.
    Thank-you for taking your minute before work to write that.

    1. Twilight says:

      Thank you WhoCares

      I tend to hold back my thoughts.

  4. Cindy says:

    #5 It will never change. So true.
    I was involved with a lower mid-range/ victim narcissist. When I told him that I believed he was a narcissist, he became angry and defensive immediately, like pulling your hand out of a fire as HG phrased it.
    His immediate reply to my observation was, “you don’t know what you’re talking about! I hope you die! I hope you get in a car wreck and DIE!!”.
    Yeah…he’s a narc for sure but will never comprehend or accept it. Never.

    1. Julie says:

      I would have told him to hop in the passanger seat “your uber awaits”. Just saying…grrrr

  5. Mona says:

    All true, beside your last sentence, HG. That sentence is probably a lie or some kind of manipulation or a lie to your self. There is no will to change (you said it often enough) and you are not terrified (except of aging- my opinion not your statement).

    1. HG Tudor says:

      In fairness Mona (and I appreciate this will not always be apparent as one naturally would read the article as it being me that is speaking) it is by reference to Lesser and Mid-Range. I accept your point that such a comment by a Greater such as myself is in essence what you have stated.

      1. Mona says:

        One point for you, HG. Yes, a Greater always finds an exit. He is a master of words .
        At least all of your kind do not like to become old and ugly. Or do you know a living example of a Greater without a toupee, a sudden change of hair colour or a ridiculous haircut? (If they are lucky, they have no hair at all on top of their heads)

        1. HG Tudor says:


  6. LYNN says:

    Wow HG so amazingly and profoundly articulate, thank you HG
    However you are trying to change so you cannot think that you are so correct. Or maybe because you are so terrified that makes you really brave. Or maybe you desire empathy after all if you are disclosing this to help us and arm us, you are serving us here so maybe strangely you care after all why would you arm your enemy, I guess you an armed army is more of a challenge, more exciting and no matter how knowledge filled we become the human condition always wants to be optimistic and are suckers for a charming individual. thankfully most narcs you meet on dating sites are idiots and cannot carry the facade for long, when I think of my partner he wasnt even that clever, not in your league at all but he made so much head way with me because of being needy for love. That’s probably mostly always the case though in all these type of relationships.
    Thanks for your disclosure

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome.

    2. K says:

      Weaponizing empaths appeals to his sense of omnipotence and
      omniscience. To read the comments in their entirety, they are located on the link below.

      JULY 5, 2017 AT 03:01
      HG, what do you want? You’ve stated several times in the past you see no reason to change.

      HG Tudor
      JULY 5, 2017 AT 13:01
      I want to see more people become weaponised. I want to be the number one source for information in this sphere. I want to watch my readers advance using my work. I want to see where my continuing interaction with the readers and the good doctors takes me to. I want to learn more.


  7. Em says:

    So accurate. If you never read any more this article sums it up.
    My ex narc did all these things and even told me nothing would ever be enough. The clues were there. I didn’t understand. I do now.

    1. Omj says:

      Never enough !! EM I heard that too. One day he was looking at me and said “ don’t you get that I never have enough, that I need more and more and more again “ I never never have enough.

      He was never telling me that I was not enough, Inwas always too much … but he told me many times , “ can’t you see that I am self destruct , you have done nothing wrong it’s all me “ . But despite hearing it … thinking oh … if he says it … than we can fix it !

      The never enough is not only never today is never forever .

      1. Em says:

        Yes Omj it was never directed at me but more a clue to what was wrong generally. I agree – if he could articulate it he must want to change it – I wanted to fix it.
        It’s never going to change. He self destructs every relationship I have observed him in and ours. He goes on and on until he finds something that hurts so badly you can’t forgive.
        So helpful to hear others have the same.

        1. sarabella says:

          Mine described himself ages ago as being insatiable. I even think he used the words a sexual monster once. And the poor me/pity me that he couldn’t find anyone, a partner, was taken all wrong by me. He meant, “I am insatiable, I used protitutes, exploit desperate young girls, no adult woman wants me, I do perverted things and I can’t find anyone to settle with becuase I am so messed up.”

          At the end, I saw he had no problem luring women into relationships, but he would destroy them every single time. He was ultimately the failure for everything, not others. He really cannot love.

          1. Em says:

            Oh yes you could be talking a out mine. Why do they all follow this almost identical sad pattern.
            I’m so relieved I’m out. But still healing.

  8. Lori says:

    How triumphant can one be if you are completely dependent on others for your very existence

    I dont know, but it seems like the ultimate weakness to me. I cannot fathom being that needy that if o don’t get people’s emotional reactions, I would cease to exist.

    This is what I mean about the “persoective” Narcs convince them selves they are mighty when clearly being that dependent is anything but mighty. It’s pure weakness on the level of an infant. Infants completely dependent on another for its existence

    I can see why y’all are constantly on the hunt for more and more backups. That kind of dependency would be scary

    1. sarabella says:

      A recent description Comey had of 45 is that he is just such an incredibly empty human being, so dependent and needy. So yeah…..

  9. omj says:

    To read and read again…Why it will not work. Nothing surpasses fuel and new and exciting fuel is apparently always the best !! I heard so many times: You can fill yourself with one person and be happy, I need many. At the time , I did not get it, knowing that now I know there is no hope of anything working out.

    The game is never over , when I found the site and in my first reading, i thought I could stop the game in some ways. I thought that I now that I knew better I could manipulate and control better and I could stop the game and go to him and have an adult conversation about my findings. I never did it and now I know I am not with an adult per say, I am dealing with a 12 years old, game will never be over. The only way to score is NC and I have not gotten there yet. Only 10 days and I really should have stayed there.

    He repeadetly told me he wanted to change, he wanted to stop this life etc I know it was a way to engage me in helping him. Although this is one that I am doubting, I feel sometimes for a couple seconds maybe he was honest about that, about being tired of his chasing fuel all the time. Only to hear the beast I guess and start running for more.

    Thank you for this one HG.. to read and read again.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      You are welcome.

    2. sarabella says:

      You can’t stop the game. With a narc as with anyone else, really, you can’t make someone change. So yes, nothing you do can stop the game. But when you stop looking at these people as human, the way we tend to think of it, its possible to play their little games. But why? What good would that ever do? Sure, a narc would one up, and then you would have to, too. And then he/she would, and then you… and so on and so on. Its not that the game can’t be played, its that it is never ending. Ever. And it gets to be no fun. I beat him a few times, but then what? I saw how boring it was for me. Saw that no matter how well I might learn to play, it was never ever what I wanted. And him getting me to play was a way he was controling me because it was making me be and do things I had no interest, fundamental interest, in doing. Healing from narc abuse is also really, really getting to know who you are, what YOU want from life and never, ever letting someone budge you from that unless its your choice. In some ways, its the lesson of an empath to get an ego as strong as a narcs but for entirely different purposes. Once you have that stronger ego/boundaries, you will be living your life and your life’s purpose and even the idea of playing those games is distasteful and boring because you will be too busy filling your life up with what you want, need and envision.

      1. Omj says:

        So agree … Sarabella 🙂 my issue is I am addicted to playing and I don’t care about losing or wining I like plotting and playing and trying strategies …

      2. Julie says:

        The only way to play….end game. Its probley the hardest thing you will ever do too as empath but it is the only way.. walk away.

  10. /iroll says:

    It’s justified to attack that which is a threat to your existence, to attack women would imply they threaten you, so you have to hide your shame in secret. Addiction.

  11. Amelia says:

    I do have a question or you HG, about this comment: “I will not change and I cannot change. I know what I am but I choose this…”

    Is it a contradiction to say that you cannot change, but you are making the choice not to?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      No, my choice not to means I cannot.

  12. Amelia says:

    Ouch, this one hit close to home.

    “You try to learn the rules, to stay onside and avoid transgression but these games are played with just one rule. There are no rules. I revel in my gamesmanship as each day I deploy a new machination against you. These games will tear you apart and you can never hope to win at them.”

    Funny, just yesterday I had this very specific thought: I didn’t have a shot because he didn’t play fair, he had his own set of rules that I wasn’t privy to, and I didn’t even know we were playing a game in the first place.

  13. Julie says:

    Bravo HG !

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you.

  14. Twilight says:

    “Besides, I am terrified of change.”

    I believe you can, yet this is not my journey. I understand the why you believe this, you made a choice long ago and now pay a price every day.

    1. narc affair says:

      Terrified of change…i think many and not just narcissists get into a way of life and even tho it may be wrong they fool themselves into thinking theyre more “efficient” living that way when it boils down to being afraid of the unknown and making a change for the better. Then theres the pesky problem of no conscience and theres where the real problem lay is in the fact if you dont give a crap about other people and how ypur actions affect them where can you get the motivation to “want” to change? You have to want to change to be able to initiate changing ones life.
      No one can make you want to be a better person it has to come from within.

      1. Twilight says:

        Narc Affair

        To change a belief means facing a core belief.

        This is my perspective on HGs kind and change.

        The child that was died to survive, at this point what another said one should be (facade) is created. They are treated as an object which become a subconscious belief to which is then project onto other as nothing more then objects to be use, because this is what love looks like. They always have strive to be “good and accepted” by the definition of the person creating them, only to have being shown that is not good enough.

        Now the creature must be kept satisfied with the emotional energy to keep this “new” self from being devoured and darkness consuming them.
        They died once to the darkness they fear this darkness will consume them again.
        The lies we tell ourselves are the most destructive.

        Will they die if they face this, no but the only person they know themselves to be will.
        That is one hell of a fear to face.

        Could you?

        I apologise if I am not making sense I am rushing through this due to having to be at work in a minute.

        1. Amelia says:


          Hello, I’m pretty new to the blog. I feel like a light bulb has been going off for me re: my Greater Elite narc over the past few days, regarding some things he has told me. I don’t want to get into too much detail because I don’t want to be identified.

          But your post just resonated with me related to what has been hitting me like a ton of bricks just recently, an enormous lie I believe he has told. Do you think that the following would apply to what you have just described?

          If the narc was raised in a family that never expressed any affection, perfection was expected, pride was the strongest emotion, and the world view required by the mother is that he is perfect? As well, receiving an elite education that that required perfection? All as described verbatim by the narc himself.

          If that is the case, would it stand to reason that the narc, while actually possessing the intelligence and fortitude to excel in pretty much every way (he is a Greater Elite after all)…that he would have been wounded early on by a feeling of never being good enough, never living up to impossibly high expectations? Despite doing everything humanly possible to live up to those expectations? And now, in his intimate relationships as a narc, projecting that onto his partners such that they inevitably cannot live up to his impossibly high expectations hence the devalue and discard which will invariably occur?

          If this seems accurate, then the lie I mentioned earlier is epic. There are so many, but this would be the mother of all lies (no pun intended).

          HG would also appreciate your take on this if you don’t mind.

          1. HG Tudor says:

            That is largely accurate.

          2. Amelia says:

            HG + Twilight: Thank you.

          3. Twilight says:



      2. narc affair says:

        Hi twilight…ty for your reply. I totally agree and your post explains it perfectly. I can in many ways relate to a narcs fear of change bc ive used my narc as a way to deal with certain problems in my life. Hes been my go to person and has helped me forget these issues. A narc uses fuel the same way to build up the fake persona and forget the underlying problems of their past.
        Where a true narc and a codependant differ is conscience. Conscience is a motivator to change and better oneself. A true diagnosed narc doesnt have a conscience so they lack any motivation to change who they are to be a better individual. They feel they are ticky boo just how they are despite they are destroying peoples lives. They dont give one iota about anyone but themselves.
        A highly narcissistic person on the otherhand has more of a chance changing if their conscience speaks to them and or some major life event opens their eyes.
        A true narcissist i think will always struggle to change bc they dont care about the outcome of their actions and how it hurts others. Its like that part of their brain is switched to “off”.

        1. Twilight says:

          Hello Narc Affair

          I can relate to the subconscious fear they have. In my case it is the opposite I fear drowning and losing myself to the ocean of everyone’s emotions. I absorb them with out even trying, I have read where others fear seeing or reading about a tragic event, abuse of an animal and they feel the pain. These are all visual cues which trigger one emotional contingency. Why they can feel another.

          I do not need these cues, right at this moment sitting here in my car I can feel those around me, I can feel my ex, he is roughly a mile away from me. I can feel the many people in the hotel behind the store I am at. When I am out in the woods I can sense the creatures around me, the trees, plants and insects. I am very much at home in the wilds, put me in a mall and my senses become overloaded it is like a wave hits me and drags me under. I once was hit by a wave thrown to the ground and then the rip tide got me. It has been the best real life experience that comes close to what I feel. It scared the hell out of me. I still have a moment of panic when stepping into the ocean.

          My ex and I would discuss our perspective in detail, he never told me the label they placed on him….sociopathic narcissist, he did explain his fuel matrix, how everything is connected to him and how he controls his environment. He started to explain to me Fuel. Now I am using HGs terms and not those he used. He would recognise me very quickly if I did.

          I do not believe they use fuel to build up the false self yet to protect it. So long as the creature is satisfied it stays quiet, as soon as it is hungry it starts to tear down things from the inside…the lies we tell ourselves are the most destructive.

          They do not have time to consider anyone else when everything they believe in is on the line, ones survival instinct will override everything.

          For one to change, self awareness is needed, then a reason, then the desire. I do believe one could modify behaviors, it would take a long time and a commitment to rewire a deeply rooted belief. They have to find the reason, telling a reason does nothing.

          This is all my opinion and one perspective I have of things.

      3. narc affair says:

        Hi twilight…ty for your reply and the way you described fuel and protecting the fake self is so true. Its a thin veneer that cracks very easily. Youre right thats why theyre so consumed with themselves. If that cracks then theyre left with nothing bc it was all manufactured ego.
        You sound like a highly sensitive person hsp. Also a contagion empath. Im a contagion empath i know for certain based on what ive read about it so far. Its a gift but it can also be a huge burden. Letting go of what you need to let go of thst isnt your job to feel or endure. Ive had to learn to do this. I dont know where it stems from but its like a heightened awareness of situations and the inability to let go.
        Its like the opposite end to a narcisdist where they never for attachments and remain detached emotionally.
        I find that fascinating your ex discussed his narcissism with you. It sounds like he was a greater to be able to even recognize he had a personality disorder.

        1. Twilight says:

          Hello Narc Affair

          Yes my ex is a Greater, and I loved him deeply. I still do, that is a fact I can not change. I am not in love with him, thou.
          I don’t hold on to what was, that is like trying to catch the wind with your hands…

          Our paths were only meant to cross nothing more, if I had never met him that which I have learned I never would have.

          I don’t hate him and I hold no anger towards him, he must live according to his perspective.

        2. Twilight says:

          Narc Affair

          Yes he discussed his perspective, he understood himself. I do not believe he would ever “expose” himself like HG. That and I believe with every fiber of my being HGs knowledge on not only his kind but people surpasses my ex.

          You see HG recognized which school I belong to almost right away, my ex didn’t. He knew I was an empath, that was it until I opened up to him on a deeper level.

          HG impressed me, after speaking with him I had a better feel of him (HG). He gained my respect and admiration for what he is accomplishing.

          Why do you believe you are a Contagion Empath?

      4. narc affair says:

        Hi twilight…someone on the blog i cant remember who had posted an article on the contagion empath. It described myself so much so i was taken aback. Ive had psychologists tell me im a hsp but i just took that as being highly sensitive. It didnt explain how and in which specific ways it affected my life. That article did.
        When ive come across certain situations people have been going thru its really impacted me. I may not know them at all but the emotions from that situation bleed into my life. I find myself feeling what they must be going thru ad its affected my day and my mood. In some cases i cant get it off my mind. Ill research it or read about it and need to know more. Its almost like a medium where they take on a spirit to convey a message. They allow it to be absorbed into themselves. Thats the only way i can describe it. I dont think its a healthy way to be. Im trying to be more balanced in letting go. Its ok to empathize but its that persons situation to work thru.
        Im looking forward to learning more about this type of empath. Ive tried googling it but theres not much and what ive read didnt match me like what i had read on here.

        1. Twilight says:

          Narc Affair

          Thank you for your reply.

          There has only been once article in which the Contangon has been written about, it is a cadre and not about the Contangon Emapth. The Saviour Empath.

          You and I had a discussion once in which you told me you were HSP. I had already stated I was a Contagion. We were discussing sensitivity.
          One of my reply’s were one can be HSP and Not be an Empath, yet and Empath can be either just an empath or be both HSP and an Emapth.

          There is much more then just this sensitivity to a Contangon Emapth. It is not something we need visual cues to set it off. We are consistently set in an ON state.

  15. W says:

    “Deal with it” was one of my narcoholic’s faves, second only to his catchphrase, : “Whatever.”
    That one., he said so often that I changed his name in my phone to “Whatever ”
    It would be funny when Id get a chat notification saying “Whatever: whatever.”

  16. K says:

    The New York Times

    George W. Bush, “But I’m the decider, and I decide what’s best. The presidential equivalent of proclaiming, “You’re not the boss of me!”

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