A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 6



Dear Narc,

 I don’t know what to say to you anymore.
I can’t muster up the anger I once had and I definitely can’t muster up any love.   You are becoming more and more of a memory that will hopefully be completely gone.
There was a time when I would have given you anything in the world,  anything you asked for.  I do wish you knew that.  But you killed that person,  that woman who thought she had at last found her soulmate.  I’m more of a husk now I’m sorry to say,  more of a hole, just like you.
You won because I won’t even try to find love anymore. I wish I could say I would.  I’ve had it in the past and I know what it looks like but no, I won’t try.
I know you’ll keep trying to find what you think is love.  I know you are desperately trying to find it now and it doesn’t hurt anymore. I just feel apathy.
I’m weary inside. I’m worn out. I’m dry and I have nothing to give which I guess is a good thing. I won’t even respond to any offers of love, not from anyone and definitely not from you.
You are not who I thought you were but I’m not who I was anymore. The smile has faded, my bones ache and there’s nothing here for you anymore. You said that I am lower than a homeless person and in many ways you are  right. I have a lot in common with them because we both have nothing left to fight for anymore. Nevertheless, there is one thing which is on the bright side and that  is the fact that I won’t be fighting for your love anymore either.

29 thoughts on “A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 6”

  1. Interesting reactions. I actually didn’t start to really turn some corners UNTIL I started feel sorry for myself. Strange how that worked. Until I felt the depth of how awful it was, what exactly he betrayed and how he had deceived me, until I remembered feeling the SAME way at 14 when he had done the same to me (and then I didn’t have HG or other forums or the skills I have now!), only then did I start to heal some parts of me and get over the shame I felt at the repeat. The utter depth of shame for what he did was incredible and it evoked what to others probably looked like pity. It was defeat. And he meant for me to feel ashamed when I looked at the things he did. He wanted me to feel ashamed, small, less than him. He wanted me as far down as he could get me. And I was ashamed that I had believed that would have been the last thing from his heart, mind and actions and I had trusted him. I did feel very sorry for myself and then, once I allowed it, I started to chose how I wanted to react to it and then the healing really begane.. We are all here as snapshots in this very non-linear process of healing.

  2. Ugotit,

    I love this letter because you are so real, and that is such a precious, valuable human quality… you don’t cover up your sadness, weariness, disappointment or heartache. Too many times, people are afraid to be down — to even admit it — and who can blame them, as society often frowns upon/judges it as weakness.

    How can you get better if you stuff your hurt? You can get to renewed joy again… but you have to first take care of yourself by acknowledging what you’ve been through~and dealing with yourself with honesty and kindness.

    It’s so painful when someone tells another that their feelings are not valid. Thank goodness you didn’t do that to yourself! It was brave of you to show this is where you were at, and your descriptions give a voice to those who feel depressed:

    “can’t muster”
    “worn out”
    “nothing to give/nothing to fight for”
    “bones ache”

    You end your letter on an optimistic, (biting-back-a-bit) note: you no longer will be fighting for what was NOT real. That’s a pearl of wisdom right there, girl… and before I even knew you wrote this, I thought: “This is someone who sees herself and the situation clearly, and she’ll first crawl — then walk — her way out of it.”

    You’ve come a long way, baby! You and your funny, jab-it-back-at him attitude and pink hair extensions.;-)

    Good for you… and good for so many~to get to reflect on your honest, valuable letter.

  3. Ugotit – I’m glad you are not in that place anymore. It is an awful place to be. To have unwittingly. given your life force to some ungrateful bastard, just so they can pretend to be alive, is a hard realisation to swallow. For me, and many others, time and reading HG has helped me get back up on my feet. I hope you are feeling more positive nowadays, even if it is only in small ways. You will get there.

  4. I don’t feel sorry for the writer of this letter; no one knows where this person was in the dynamic. But I do feel the honesty of what’s being communicated; the feeling of being utterly emptied out. Nothing left to give.
    I remember that point. I felt the same way as the writer. But that was when I didn’t know what I was dealing with.
    It was the emptying out that saved me. Since I had nothing left; I just shut down. This is what actually allowed me to shore up reserves to plan my escape.

    It’s the denial of the reality of what you’re experiencing that can bring you to the breaking point.

    I wonder if that individual still feels the same.
    I know I don’t.

    1. Yes I wrote this on a particularly dark depressed day I don’t remember exactly when but I don’t even identify with the letter anymore it doesn’t even seem like I wrote this some people don’t understand I made enormous sacrifices to marry this man going to another country changing religions only to turn around and discover it was all for naught can’t just say oh well and move on that easy especially when you took vows that you meant and the person continues to contact you to rip you to shreds thank you for getting it

      1. Ugotit,

        Thank you for reaching out to confirm this. I feel better knowing more of your story. So happy to know you are healing and moving forward with your life, despite his attempts to thwart you. Perhaps I shouldn’t have said what I said to SJS, but it is difficult to witness such pecking. You are most welcome, I am happy to be beside you in getting it. It is why we’re here together.

      2. “…only to turn around and discover it was all for naught can’t just say oh well and move on that easy..”

        Ugotit – I agree; it is not so easy, once we see the damage done…we cannot necessarily just toss our hair, dust ourselves off and say “Oh well, that didn’t work out..”

        I’m so happy for you that you are in a much better place and seem much stronger.

    2. Merripen, who sat you next to the right hand of God to be so judgmental? Some empaths come from a place of strength.

      1. Melinda,

        Sorry, I posted that reply in the wrong place. I didn’t mean to sit next to your God.

      2. Merripen, you perceived SJS as ‘pecking’ and I did not perceive SJS as pecking. To each his own. However, your comment to me about my God, I felt was sarcastic but feelings aren’t facts. Perhaps it is u that is not an empath. Perhaps a black witch.

    3. Thank you, Merripen. I will take that as a compliment. I have no desire to be branded by a Narcissist, a shrink, or a stranger on a website forum, thank you very much. I find that labels allow women, in particular, to get very comfortable with their lot in life instead of motivating them to move on and improve. “Oh, well, I’m just an Empath (lower, super, needy, etc. yadda yadda…too many sub categories!), therefore I will always attract Narcs. No sense in trying to change. To quote Popeye, “I yam what I yam.” I understand everyone has a different background story and reason for coming to this site. But are we all not here to learn from our mistakes, so we don’t continue down the same miserable path? Mr. Tudor has plainly and succinctly shown us, by blog and video, who the enemy is and what to do about it. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. I have been there… I have empathy for those feeling despair, lack of self-confidence, the “why me” questions that run through your mind like a jackrabbit. But I don’t like living that way constantly. I want out of that circle jerk of misery. Narcs are illusions like nightmares. It may seem real, but wake up before you wet the bed. Narcs aren’t gods. Beat them at their own game. Stop wallowing in the muck and start living again. A constant diet of self-pity just taste like bile after a time. Label me a complete bitch? If that is what it takes to get out from under the spell of a robotic demon, I’ll wear it like a flag.

      1. SJS,

        Thank you for your response. It was enlightening! I apologize for saying what I said. You, too, have also been tortured by the nightmare of abuse. Your strong words and abrupt message somehow confused me. When I read first MLO’s (Ugotit’s) letter last fall, it was painfully clear that she’d been emptied and injured so thoroughly, that all remained of her at that time was a husk. I even imagined her writing this letter from the emotional floor and intuitively knew that this person needed compassion and hope. I was upset, because your powerful response seemed insensitive to that. I did not take the time to digest your full intent. I had been where she was and I remember how it felt. I see a difference between strength and compassion, but you are right that a broken empath need strength as well as compassion. This strength has to come from within, but I’d always believed it thrives if spoon-fed the nectar of compassion at critical moments. Something more gentle than the powerful exchanges volleyed joyfully between two somewhat-recovered empaths. When I read your response to a broken MLO, it seemed that you reached down and grabbed her by (at the point this letter was written) her fragile scruff and gave her a good shaking. This was so antithetical to my own belief system, that I reacted poorly. You said MLO’s bleakness and hopelessness was disturbing, but this didn’t come off to me as empathetic commiseration. I misread your disturbing as expressing that MLO had no right to feel what she was feeling, that it was somehow unnatural. I suppose this was front-loaded by the fact that your response was attached to Melinda’s remark that MLO was full of self pity. She sure was. It’s the worst suffering that we’ll likely ever experience and we each have our own organic process of anguish-wallowing. Your timeline of “1 good day” felt a bit short to me, but I only have my experience to draw from. SJS, I now understand you only wanted to shore her up and firmly pull her out of the dark pit he left her in. The statement that all normal men will disappoint, was also misinterpreted by me as being negative and not what she needed to fill her empty, hopeless husk. You were actually firmly encouraging her to reach within herself for strength, so she wouldn’t need to rely on any man – narc or normal. I also believe this is true. Did you also read Ugotit’s letter last fall? Ugotit confirmed that she is stronger now and moving in the right direction. When you yourself experienced the kind of suffering that Ugotit did and stood in her shoes, when you were laid on the emotional floor as she was in this letter, would you would have been aided by this post? I genuinely want to explore the balance and delivery-timing of strength and compassion, because we do need both.

        I am sorry for writing what I did SJS, it was wrong. I did it to hurt you back, as I believed you were hurting Ugotit. That is one of my own bizarre and deeply rooted (and often misplaced) traits. One of many that I am working on. I did not allow myself the time to fully process your words and consider their deeper meaning. I let myself react in the moment (the very thing I am trying to move away from) before firing that off. Your passion about self-empowerment manifests with such force, it was startling. And I see that your firm perspective point and entry-angle into these discussions is from a woman who is growing up and out. I will always take a knee to that, SJS. It is admirable. That is the fire that moves us. It is something that I deeply respect. And since it is the opposite of apathy I can absolutely understand (after reading your response to my own snark) why Ugotit’s apathy did not sit well with you. Reading her letter plucked this string in you. I genuinely want a dialog to continue between us. We may have different styles, but there is a lot that you can teach me, I think (the first lesson is already in my backpack)!”


        1. I agree with you I was hurt by the one day to get over it timeline if we could get over our involvement with a narc in one day this website and HGS posts would be unnecessary but the fact we are here is proof that nobody gets over it in one day not even a normal breakup with a non narc. In my case I believe he was not just a narc but a sociopath as well I’ve had a lot of Information passed to me lately not from my own searching but direct from other people and discovered just this morning that I’m being I vestigated by the FBI because of him notifying the us embassy that I was involved in illegal activities while in his country on visa which is all complete lies but he did threaten me once he would do thisong time ago now he did it I’m not particular scared though because I know the truth and the fact that he did it notified them a week after we fought rather than years ago is further proof he’s doing it for revenge

          1. Ugotit,

            Oh my god. You were ensnared by a monster. I’m so very sorry his malice continues to impact your security and safety. Survivors like you remind me that it was ONLY emotionally that I sailed too close to the wind. I was never dependent on him for any financial/living arrangements and there were only a couple times he was physical. Nothing like what you’ve been through. You were systematically removed from your family, your country – your entire support system. I do hope you are safe and get to stay here. Damn, girl! Embassy?! FBI investigation?! Your story gets wilder the further you go!

            I am sorry that you were injured by the responses to your letter. I also regret some things that I’VE posted here – most recently, that comment to SJS. It may not have been posted yet, but I expressed my deeper understanding of where her intent came from when she penned her response. She actually did mean you well, in her strong and direct way. I think she has a lot of perspective to offer and I am eager to engage with her further.

            Off topic, but I just have to say how lovely your pink highlights are!

      2. Merripem no worries I’m a us citizen that’s not in question he’s trying to have my visa revoked so I can’t visit his country again like as if I give a shit I have a four year visa but to obtain a visa to his country you have to have a letter of invitation from a citizen living there and register your presence with the embassy and police which we did .he’s threatened me before he would have my visa revoked and I told him I don’t give a shit don’t want to return anyway. But apparently he just tried to have it revoked by telling g the embassy there that I brought drugs with me and sold them while there which is absurd I’ve never used a drug in my life never even smoked pot and he told some other serious lies about me as well. That I engaged I. Other crimes while I was there besides the drugs all lies ..PS those aren’t highlights they’re clip.in hair extensions I put on for one day lol

      3. Merripen, you are a lady and a sweetheart. No apologies needed. Being pissed helps me cope. I hate to see women who have so much to give feel as if they have nothing to offer because some SOB sucked everything out of them. I don’t like to see the spark go out of anyone. Fight like hell is my motto.

        Again, there is no need to apologize. I didn’t mean to come off so abrupt and hardbitten. I hated what happened to me and when I see someone else going through it, I get steamed at the real person to blame!!!!

        Speaking of which, Mr Tudor, are you still taking letters? I just wrote a doozy.

  5. Lovely letter but please don’t give up, your part of a special growing family now and we will love support and care for each other. we are the narc recovery group. you are not alone there are many of us know the terrific pain you are enduring and we are all slowly healing.
    Don’t give up or he wins, I wanted to die but I am getting slowly well, you can find that person you were again. You now have the knowledge, future victims need people like you and now you will never fall victim again, now you know you can play with them and spit them out, I’ve done it already on dating sites or you can just block um but you are in a special position to have a very special future with a very lovely normal person. Don’t let him ruin the rest of your life my darling.

    All my love xx

  6. “You said that I am lower than a homeless person”

    Sounds like them alright! The narc’s sadism is stupidly brutal, they can’t respect anyone who needs them, because they’re empty, despise themselves and have a logic that only understands winners and losers: if you love someone who treats you like dirt then you must be worthless.

    But they want to get you to that volunteer stage whereyou let they treat you like dirt. What they need is to feel more powerful than you. The narc’s logic is – “I did all this alone! No thanks to you, weakling”.

    It’s pathetic, twisted logic – and i’m sorry that this writer hit rock bottom. It is a place of survival though, she found her resistance that way.

    I have decided to see my narc the way he sees himself: loathsome, rotting garbage.

    HG says, the love and beauty we see comes from ourselves, not them. It’s masochistic to love the beauty in suffering, but all this is all vanity in the narc’s envious, posessive and immature gaze.

    We all suffer, they’re just 2-dimensional cartoonish assholes about it. Let them rot alone.

  7. I want to believe that when MLO wrote this letter, she was at the lowest point in her emotional and physical recovery. She has been emptied to the point of exhaustion and apathy has flooded in. It’s difficult to even read her words, because they take me back to the awful time when it was me lying at the bottom of the emotional ocean. Ugh. I hope MLO has refilled and recovered since this was written. She must read HG’s writings if she submitted her letter to him. I hope she has achieved awareness enough to escape and heal.

    1. Yes because it was full of self pity. I, too, hope she has pulled herself up from the lonely bottom to rise again.

      1. I agree, Melinda. The bleakness and utter hopelessness expressed in this letter is disturbing when read. Yes, we all went through this period of realizing the futility of loving a machine. However, women should allow themselves maybe 1 good day of this kind of thinking and then raise their chins, straighten their spines, and get on the path to healing. Wrapping your whole life around one person’s reactions is senseless. And dangerous. No one, Normal or Narc, was put on this earth with the sole responsibility of making you happy. Don’t put that burden on anyone but yourself. Normal or Narc…one is human, one is a shark. One will always disappoint, one will eat you alive. The longer you wallow in the mire, the harder it will be to dig yourself out. There are billions of people in the world, at least 1/10 of them may be potential partners. Don’t let one jackass screw up your life.

  8. This is a sad note to me. I do feel horrible for anyone who has been depleted by a narc so much that they are a husk…but…understand why…. God is love. Only God will fill your heart and soul. You have been duped and followed the wrong love but that’s ok. Get back on track. People can’t fulfill you with love but God can. Remember that and all the rest will fail into place. Jesus than others than you…what a wonderful way to spell JOY!

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