You do not give up easily do you? We are pleased that this is the case. You try to resurrect what we once had. You will look to resuscitate our relationship. You want to breathe new life into you and me. You want to salvage what you can from the wreckage and build something anew. You will not let the life slip from what we have, you will not step out of the tangled and twisted remains and walk away. No, you try. You try to make it work, you try to see what can be done, you try to sort things out. You try to make everything right again, you try to make us happy, you try to please us, how you try to please us. You try to fix us, you try to banish these demons which plague us, you try to shed light and joy. You try when everything seems lost, you try when all seems pointless and you try despite everything else suggesting that what we are is a lost cause. You try because you believe in hope.

But what is this hope that has you trying on a superhuman scale, which has you wiping away the tears, picking yourself up, dusting yourself down and standing up once more to try to do the right thing? If you were not with our kind but someone normal and the relationship was foundering would you try as you do with us? Of course you would try and steer the good ship towards calmer waters but you would not try to the same extent as you do with us. Where two people find they no longer have anything in common, they may be content to leave matters as they are and drift along in neutrality. It is not heady and wonderful but neither is it awful. Is beige such a terrible place to be? There is security, the children have grown up and you have your separate interests. There is no hatred, far from it, but neither is there passion any longer, but something in the middle. This is deemed as acceptable and you are happy to trundle along in this manner. You do not try to rekindle those early days of your honeymoon period. In other instances, this mediocrity is found to be stifling. If you hear another gardening anecdote or incident at the bowling club, you will go spare. You want to travel and experience new things. Your other half is more interested in the home brew and the latest episode on television. There is no hatred, there is no passion but this time the middle is deemed suffocating and unacceptable. You do not try to rekindle what you once had but instead decide you want something else. You move on to something else, be it a single life with new pursuits or finding a new person who shares your interests. The separation is amicable, fair-minded and there is no turbulence. The relationship ran its course and you saw no reason to try to make it anything different.

Yet with us it is so different isn’t it? You try your absolute best to get things back on track, you try until you are shattered and exhausted, bewildered and confused. How can you not achieve what we once had again? Why is it so elusive? Yet you do not give up. You keep on trying. Again and again.

Such is the intoxicating power of the golden period, such is the addiction of this utterly falsified state of affairs, such is the massive attraction of that seemingly perfect love, you try your damnedest to resurrect it. Sometimes there is a glimmer of a return or even a brief sortie to that promised land once again and you know that your repeated trying has succeeded. It never lasts. It never stays. Still, you exhibit that indefatigable spirit as you try once more, looking to rekindle that special love we once had.

You even begin to sacrifice pieces of yourself in order to try to bring it back. You try to guess what we want all the time. You walk on those eggshells in order to avoid disrupting the fragile peace. You agree to do things you would never have countenanced once upon a time but hey, it is worth trying isn’t it? You decide to spend more time with us, sacrificing your relationships with your friends and with your family, but you have to try don’t you? You cannot be said to have not tried to make this work and if you had it once then surely you can get it again can’t you? You submit to more and more of our demands, demeaning yourself, degrading yourself and suffering our repeated denigrations but you convince yourself that this is all worth doing because you are trying to achieve a greater aim. You have hope that you will succeed and bring back that elusive golden period. You forgo invitations to events because you know it will displease us. You do not invite people to the house to avoid causing a disruption to the evening, since we want peace and quiet. You try not to say anything when we return late from who knows where. You try to remain silent when we spend hours staring into the screen on our laptops, tapping away, our minds somewhere else. You retreat, back-off and compromise, giving away more and more of yourself and your life as you try to succeed.

Thus here is the awful warped nature of being ensnared by us. In a normal relationship you may not try to the same extent because the excitement and passion was not as it was with us. Yet, this relationship is one where trying will bring about success. Yes, you won’t establish that paradise that exists when we seduce you, but it never actually existed to begin with. It is a fiction. However, trying to succeed with someone normal and healthy is entirely achievable. You will not, by contrast, ever succeed with us. You can try over and over and over again but for all this effort and endeavour you will not get what you want. What we once granted you will only ever be given again in small doses and then only as part of this continuing manipulation so that you remain in our grip so we can gather fuel until we throw you aside. No matter how determined you are, no matter how great your resolve, no matter the fact that you put every breath, every ounce of effort in to trying to make things work between you and us so everything is golden, it will never ever work. It cannot because you cannot control the golden period. Only we can and we choose who is granted it and when in accordance with our need for control and fuel.

Try to understand that.

38 thoughts on “Tenacious

  1. LYNN says:

    I think from my prospective is that they are good at convincing you that its your fault its not like before, so you want, so much, to redeem yourself, you end up torturing yourself for making the mistakes he has manipulated you to believe you made. You have to keep reminding yourself over and over again that true love is forgiving even if it was your fault, that he would love you for your faults warts and all.
    Acceptance is the problem, we don’t want to accept its gone for good, we loved it so much, that golden time, we don’t want to accept it was never real and wont return indefinitely.
    Also from my point of view of neglect as a child, it re opens the wound of rejection again, the wound that made me as a little girl cry myself to sleep every night wishing I had a loving mumma.
    When they break that wound open again your tenaciousness as a child to try and find that love come alive again in trying to bring that lost love back, its unbearable misery.
    We must love and heal our inner child ourselves and accept although so hard that this monster will never make us happy.
    If you think you aren’t an empath or you haven’t had childhood trauma and you just fell for a narc and you can’t understand why you cant give up I think perhaps its just you haven’t met anyone else to fill that void. I hope everyone on here will meet a lovely person soon to fill that void and stamp that cruel person out of their life forever, you deserve it after what you have been through. So nice we can help and support each other.
    Be strong lovely people time will heal us.xxx

  2. K M says:

    Wow thank you for this!

  3. Persephone In Sunlight says:

    re: Heroin

    A good many of us do recover. It may depend on how much pain you are trying to dull, and can it be relieved otherwise.
    I am not referring to just physical pain. Most often it is emotional pain that the user is trying to escape. Just because you are born into or raised in a “good” family, doesn’t guarantee emotional health, as so many can attest to.

  4. Lori says:

    He sick of strawberry ice cream and I’m sick of he is fucking bananas split.

    We’re even

  5. LORI says:

    I have given up. There is nothing for me with this man. Every time I think of contacting him I just ask myself why? What could or would be accomplished ? Nothing because he is a Narcissist and it is impossible to succeeed with a Narcissist.

    The only logical and possible outcome is pain.

    I’ll pass

  6. W says:

    HG, would a mid ranger ever tire of a DLS’s fuel, perhaps due to a new DLS on the scene? Before I escaped, I felt a sudden change in his enthusiasm. He turned down a sex date (first time ever), seemed slightly annoyed once by my lusting for him (first time ever) and was on messenger , suddenly often and at odd times for him like 2 am, and not to talk to me (also new)
    I sensed there was a new DLS prospect.
    It only lasted a couple weeks or so, and then he was back, gushing with lust, almost more than ever.
    My intuition was his new prospect didn’t pan out.

    2 months post escape, as I’ve mentioned in other posts, he hoovered, and for a few days I was derailed but I’m steadying myself again, and preparing to go NC once again.
    Still his enthusiasm seems lacking , almost like he doesn’t want to lose me but it’s just not the same between us somehow. He’s trying to act normal, but I can feel it seems “off”

    I get the feeling that my fuel hasn’t been as satisfactory , potentially since a new DLS prospect appeared.
    I also feel like my escape ended the golden period we’d had going for 4+ years, and though he wants me back in the fold, my fuel is somehow stale.

    Does that happen with DLS? Any thoughts?

    Also you said in consult ,he is a MR , …he will tell me in a concerned way , to “do,what’s best for me” (if I need to end it) ,tho he knows it’s difficult for me to do and I’m obv succeptable to benign hoovers.
    That is a MR technique ?He pretty much exclusively utilizes charm

    I’m escaping again but of course I like to understand wtf happened

  7. sarabella says:

    I would say that some of us are temacious because some of us grew up in not a dissimilar environment to yourself. We learned to have temacity. To hang in there. To survive. Its a trait that kicks in when we find ourselves back to the familiar. Less to do with the narc himself and more to do with our childhood and upbringing.

  8. sarabella says:

    I would say that some of us are temacious because some of us grew up in not dissimilar

  9. sarabella says:

    Oh, maybe it is a cached main page. The post when you click to open in a blank page is ok, but on the list, it still shows as Temacious. Strange as it also updated when you posted a new post but it didn’t clear out the typo. Anyway, carry on…

    1. MB says:

      You’re pretty Temacious yourself sarabella 😊

      1. sarabella says:

        ROTFL MB … I dunno, I always thought that HG wouldn’t like typos or even allow them. That perfectionist narc thingy. It still shows. Who knows why. lol

        1. HG Tudor says:

          I don’t but I do not have the time to address them.

  10. Reba says:

    Oh, please. Here we go with the narcissistic view that the golden period with the narcissist was beyond any normal honeymoon phase in any other relationship. It’s not. Because narcissists vary in their ability to mirror, and get things right, they miss as much as they hit the target. But what is clear is that they really, really want to hit the target, so you end up falling in love with how much the narc seems to love you. But when you look back on it, it wasn’t so great. The worst sex of your life because the narc can’t really connect–check. The bizarre self interested comments–check. The feeling that something is off but you think you’re just imagining things–check. So like any relationship you try to fix what seems to be broken but when that doesn’t work you either leave or stay because you are ambivalent, you have too much time and money invested, you have kids together, whatever. We are tenacious because of who we are, not because of who you are.

    1. Windstorm says:

      Too true. You described my experiences very well.

    2. sarabella says:

      yes, soo much was off. And the sex was awful. The only thing that made it ok was because I wanted to be there. I wanted to love him. Not because of anything magical he did to make it good. Oh, he built himself up like a really good salesman. But he just never delivered on anything. He could absolutely NOT connect. Nothing was about me really. Nothing was and I sensed that. And yes, I tried to get him to fix the relationship, the friendship I was only hoping for, but he wouldn’t. He broke the freindship because that is all I wanted from him until he played his luring games, he broke anything intimate and in the end, he just broke it all.

    3. Quasi says:

      Reba – Touché I like your style !

  11. sarabella says:

    Typo in the title.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      There was Sarabella, a reader kindly pointed it out and it’s been corrected on the blog.

      1. sarabella says:


      2. sarabella says:

        Hmmm, in WordPress, it still shows as “Temacious”. But not on the website. I am finding navigating your site is so much easier from in WordPress itself so that is where I still see the typo. Just FYI… I don’t think its a cached page, either.

  12. mollyb5 says:

    Well. The narc loses out even tho you perceive not to be losing in your view of the world . You do lose in our perception. My narc gets fuel when I talk with our billing companies and get his bills reduced . I will make sure he get me a treat I want too. Now that I know he will never unconditionally love me like he thinks i need and want ….I don’t try to get that from …HIM . Empaths will learn what’s “ worth” fighting for …..specially if they grew up with morals and lots of brothers …and know they have angels watching over them .

  13. narc affair says:

    I couldnt help but laugh at this pic despite it being so serious bc thats how i envision myself at times hanging onto a twig off a cliff. Then the wind of devalument comes along and youre clinging for dear life. Those winds dont happen that often which is why ive been able to be so tenacious but one day theyll be a huge gust and that twigs going to break. Idk which is worse jumping off or having the twig break and fall.

    1. Morning sun says:

      I like to imagine that there is a third and fourth and fifth possibility… like realising you have magic powers and can actually fly – or at least float gently to the bottom. Or a great big eagle suddenly swoops in and carries you away to a safe spot far away from that cliff. Or you see that there is a ledge on the side of that cliff and from there, a cave that leads out of this F-ing mountain and all you need to do is wait for that gust of devaluing wind, swing hard and then jump off…

  14. MB says:

    Sitting there inside your magic lamp must be a powerful feeling indeed. Watching everyone scurry about looking for the right combination of magic actions and words that will cause you to spring forth and bestow your glorious presence upon them. Let them think they figured it out, grant one single wish then disappear only to change the password so that it will never work again. Leave them hanging, watch them struggle, watch them worry and work themselves into a seething dither of emotion. All the while, laughing at them knowing it is only you that decides who, when, and how many wishes you grant. What a wicked game!

  15. Julie says:

    Great read.. nailed it.. ty HG

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you.

  16. Kate says:

    This is probably off-topic, but I just got some HORRIBLE news..

    Another young life has been snuffed out by the heroine epidemic.

    I knew this young man when he was a boy. He slept in my home years ago. My son knew to end that friendship when he was around ten years old. This is the sixth young person he knew who for some sad reason took up this habit and it cost them their life.

    This needs to end.

    1. narc affair says:

      Hi kate….im so sorry to hear about this young man. I used to watch this reality series called intervention. It showed me how easy it is to have your life ruined by drugs. The addiction is awful. People look at druggies and judge them thinking theyre lowlifes but drug addicts can come from all walks of life. I have compasion for those ensnared by drugs. I cant imagine trying to get off of them. The withdrawals must be horrendous. I know most have to be weaned off and supervised medically.

      1. Kate says:

        Thank you NarcAffair,

        It really has hit me hard because he was here, in my home and I remember his cute little face clear as day! I appreciate your note..

    2. Kate says:

      The lesson here is..

      For a person to ensure they can survive and thrive, then he / she / you / I must exorcise those who are harmful to us from our lives.

    3. Windstorm says:

      Opiates are a devastating addiction in Kentucky and West Virginia. They destroy the lives of all ages. It’s rough watching people go down that path and nothing you can do.

      1. K says:

        You are back! So good to see you again! I really missed you!

        1. windstorm says:

          Thanks! Missed you too!

    4. Melinda says:

      Hi, Kate. Maybe you can give me some advice. Sorry, HG, totally off topic . . .
      Last year in March, my BFF since grade school, her son, died from the heroin, fentanyl bad drug. His name was C******. I knew C****** all his life. He and my son were friends, played together when they were children. When they got to high school, my son gravitated toward sports and C****** dropped out.
      My friend is devastated literally. Now it’s been a year since he has been gone.
      I moved to a different state 3 years ago to pursue a different career. In the past 3 years (I am not on a pity pot), I buried my mother and husband of 18 years. I got ensnared, raped, and escaped. I came back home as my ex’s lieutenant f***ed up my new career for me . . .
      When C****** died, I asked my precious friend if she wanted me to come home and help her. She said no, I had been through enough (he died pre narc ensnare) and she feared for me that it was too much.
      IT WAS TOO MUCH. The coroner said he had no other needle marks on his body so it was the first time C****** tried this method of taking drugs.
      I spent the last year on the phone with my friend at least once a day and was available 24/7 cuz that’s what we do, right??
      My point, I came home, saw my friend for the first time since our loss . . . yesterday, we spent all morn together shopping. She went off on me like supernova becuz she said I was talking too loud. The anger was palatable and not like her. She was even made I bought a Mercedes. Stupid shit. (She drives a nice car.)
      I started to cry and told her it was time for me to go home. She’s been calling, leaving messages, she’s sorry.
      I don’t answer.
      What do I say???

      1. Melinda says:

        HG, wrong forum. I’ll search to try to find the proper place to grieve. We r losing a generation. Nothing makes sense anymore. I have my own narc anger issues.

      2. Melinda says:

        And that narc a**hole I was wasting time with could have given a rat’s ass what I was going through . . . . Never once asked me, even as a gentleman would, common polite courtesy how my friend was. I knew he was off. Millionaire’s son . . . F***ing Ivy League frat brat . . . born with a silver spoon shoved up his ass. I hope he’s reading this . . . he knows about ur site . . . he’s probably checking in to get tips on how to get better at seduction. Worst f*** I ever had.

      3. Kate says:

        Hi Melinda,

        I am flattered that you would ask for my input.

        I would call her and tell her that, of course, you forgive her, you understand that feeling overwhelmed can lead to someone having an emotional outburst – and that you value her friendship. You are lucky to have each other..

      4. Clarece says:

        Hi Melinda!
        I don’t mean to intrude. It sounds like this is a substantial friendship going back many years.
        Is this uncharacteristic of her to lash out at you like she did when you were both shopping?
        If so, it can be as simple as her working thru different stages of grief. Shock and denial can have you numb and in a fog for more than a year, especially over loss of a child.
        Seeing you again may have been a trigger when both of your boys were little and much happier times. Seeing you in a new car shows how life keeps moving forward while she has maybe been frozen in grief.
        If she’s trying to apologize and do the right thing I would accept and see where it goes.

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