In The End It Has To Hurt


By now you all know that I am driven by the hunger that rages within me as I must seek out fuel to feed the beast. To begin with, my fuel comes from the compliments and admiration you send my way during our golden period. Yes, that blissful, wonderful time when everything tastes better, smells more fragrant, looks brighter and sounds sharper. I was asked why can I not contain my need for fuel to receiving admiration and plaudits? Why must I embark on such a destructive course which brings mayhem to everyone around me. Why must it hurt so much? A fair question.

In my case, there are two reasons for this. The first brings forth that old adage of familiarity breeds contempt. Imagine that strawberry is your favourite flavour of ice-cream. I bring you a large strawberry ice cream in a sugar cone. You take a lick and it is delicious. So fresh tasting, so creamy and there are even little pieces of strawberry contained inside of it. It simply is the most sumptuous ice cream you have ever introduced to your taste buds. These strawberries have been grown in God’s garden, tended to by angels and grown with the purest water, the most fertile soil and vibrant sunshine. The milk has been taken from cows which graze on nothing but the most verdant grass, free from pollution and contamination. In fact, every ingredient that has been used in the creation of this magnificent iced confection is the best and perfect. Not only that, it has been crafted by the Supreme High Creator of Gelatos. I bring you a second one. Why not? This is an ice cream fit for champions. You eat this second one but by now you are feeling full. I bring a third, the taste is still great but not as good. Now I give you the good news that you are eating strawberry ice cream for breakfast, lunch and dinner and nothing else. Soon, the amazing taste of the ice cream no longer brings you pleasure. In fact, you start to dread the sight of the ice cream as it is brought to you and then it makes you angry that you have to eat it. You are sick of it now, it has lost its allure.

This is what happens to me. It always happens. Since I am wired to seek out instant gratification, even the most wonderful sensations soon pale to me. I am not built for the long-term, I have no desire for longevity. If it was me eating the ice cream, I need to go and seek out mint choc chip or even vanilla or perhaps a juicy steak instead. I need something different in order to give me that hit. Why not then just leave the strawberry ice cream alone and seek out that new taste sensation, why do I have to subject the ice cream to a campaign of savage and nasty behaviour. One reason is that since I have invested so much energy in securing all that strawberry ice cream I am not going to let it go. I need to treat it differently and thus generate a break from its taste. With you, I need to have a break from the now stale praise and admiration you provide to me. It just does not do it for me. Similarly, I have invested energy in ensnaring you and I do not want to let you go. I have to treat you differently to change the dynamic. I need to keep you around so I embark on a confusing campaign that means you cling tighter to me. I will of course be seeking out new admiration from new sources. There are so many flavours for me to taste. You were once shiny and new. Not any longer. Someone else is shinier and newer.

I will return to you, like I will return to the strawberry ice cream. I have forgotten how it sickened me so I will eat it again and wow, it tastes good. Similarly, I will grant you a short return to the golden period. You lavish me with praise and love borne out of relief and I enjoy it. The law of diminishing returns applies however and soon I tire of your admiration as I tire of the strawberry ice cream and once again I must take a break from it, whilst never actually severing ties with you or giving away the ice cream. Back and forth I will go, occasionally being good to you to receive your admiration as I occasionally have a scoop of the strawberry ice cream. Thus this familiarity and unwillingness to let you go means that I have to treat you badly in order to resurrect the positive fuel on an infrequent basis whilst drawing on the negative fuel to provide the contrast.

I mentioned two reasons. The second reason arises from occasional glimpses of reality. For the most part we dwell in our false construct that we have dragged you into. You may achieve something or a colleague may secure a new contract or we notice a friend purchase a flash, new car. This provides us with a painful reminder of our own limitations and our hatred of the limelight being moved elsewhere, however temporary. In such a case we have to lash out. We must denigrate, despise and demean in order to create that contrast again, we make you look bad and we look good. By putting you down, or the friend or the colleague we feel powerful and in control again. The horrible sensation vanishes. On these occasions, envy and fear drives us to be horrible to you. We have to do it to make ourselves look superior in comparison.

In both instances we need to provide a contrast in order to maintain our fuel. Thus, all cannot be rosy in the garden, we need to spray the weed killer over the flowers you have grown to ensure we receive the fuel that is our primary aim in life.

11 thoughts on “In The End It Has To Hurt

  1. Latessa Sherock says:

    I think I may be in a unique place that I started the legal before him, especially after a 30 year relationship. He is angry, no fuel cuz no reaction from me. He actually lives in a bedroom upstairs until this is legally over. I do not mourn him, he is totally ignored no matter what legal games he plays. I am so much stronger than he is, so he thinks he has to get back at me sneakily, never occurs to him that I am always one step ahead. Don’t think he likes his mommy lawyer always having to tell him that he is not allowed. He is older now, over 50, joined a dating site weeks ago. He has no idea that he will have to probably go to a twenty year old cuz no one his age wants a little boy, that he is no longer able to hide that as well as when he met me & he was 21. He has no friends to hurt me, no family that speaks to him & when his wages are attached- not much respect from colleagues. He has no idea that I know all the financial lies & misconduct but it will all come out in a court of law. He will end up giving me so much & having little for himself or to win his next victim. No one his age will settle for a little boy who has nothing to offer financially. Check out the dating sites and you will see I am right. He can’t stand that he isn’t the ‘good guy’ cuz we know the truth & he admitted it to me. He can’t use the Hoover which must be exacerbating for him. It is so easy to get over someone that never existed. No one has to do revenge, sit back & watch- they will destroy themselves . I look forward to my new life, and will not waste any time looking back at a black mass of evil.

  2. Heather says:

    I’m seeing patterns.

  3. mollyb5 says:

    Bahahaha. Spraying weed killer on the flowers………don’t you touch my flowers , or the dog or my children, or my soul.

    1. mollyb5 says:

      I use mine …even if they’re ours . It’s a criticism to him . Lol

  4. Joni says:

    Wow. This drew me in and it hurt my heart deeply, in a good way, if that makes any sense. You are a gifted writer.

  5. Mary says:

    HG, I’ve read this before, but when I go back and re-read articles after some time has passed and from a different perspective, I take in something in differently than the time before. I’m sure others notice this as well.

    When my husband and I broke up repeatedly (I ended it a few times before marriage), he always stayed friends. He did not date others. He acted like everything about me was perfect, and like it was the best thing ever just to watch me empty the garbage. All of his rage was non-existent. The minute we reunited, however, he reverted to beating the steering wheel with his fists. I always thought maybe it was me, that just BEING with me and realizing how terrible a partner I am is what triggered him to act this way.

    If he is a narc, then was he just so nice to me during our breakups because he feared never having strawberry ice cream again? The thing is, during our split ups, he never went out for any other dessert either. Wouldn’t he have gone out with others then, if he was a narc?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      1. The disengagement need not be savage. All part of facade management and also an instinctive response designed to provide for a sound platform for hoovering.
      2. You do not know he did not see anybody else.
      3. It is usually the case that the narcissist will engage with others of an intimate nature whilst still involved with you, but it does not always happen. You cannot discount someone being a narcissist on that alone.

      1. Mary says:

        Thank you, HG. You are correct that I do not know for sure if he dated anyone else. He was spending so much time with me, as we stayed “best friends” so I don’t think he had time for anyone. He doesn’t like socializing at all. He prefers porn to actual sex. Still though, there is a chance.

        He has still managed to triangulate in our marriage by saying shit like our neighbor’s daughter is looking “mature, in more ways than one.” (I’m thinking “She is 12. Why are you saying this?”)

        And he has taken and kept pics of my mom’s feet.

    2. Bree says:

      Mine was not a cheater at all. That’s actually the main reason I stayed as long as I did. Insert whatever horrible act they did where cheating is described in any descriptions.

  6. T says:

    Thanks, HG!!!
    This is a great example!
    And yay, I just bought your book, “Sitting Target “.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you for doing so.

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