Love Me, Hate Me, But Never Ignore Me
I want your love. I want your hate. I want your joy. I want your tears. I want every single emotional ounce that you possess and I want it directed at me. It is easy to understand why anybody would want to be loved because isn’t that what everybody only ever wants to have? To love and be loved. Of course it is. I only ever wanted to be loved and no matter what I did, no matter how hard I tried it was denied to me. Push yourself harder, go further, work harder and you can have it. I was promised that gain repeatedly and I complied. I strove and I toiled and I grafted. I studied, I obeyed, I trained, I ran and I ran fast, I jumped and I jumped higher than anyone else. I tackled, I shot, I pushed, I swam, I wrote, I complied, I answered, I read and I read. I did everything that was ever demanded of me. Does that sound familiar to you? Of course it is. You know what it is like to give your all and it still not be enough. You know what it feels like to keep trying until you feel like you have nothing left to give anymore. Why do you think that we are so effective in extracting that sensation from you? It is because my kind has been schooled in such a technique for so long that it becomes second nature.
Of course I was praised. I was encouraged. I was supported. I was pushed. I was told and instructed and ordered. The plaudits came but there was always the caveat.
“That is an excellent result, next time try for one hundred per cent.”
“Brilliant time but I know you can do it faster. You just need to try harder.”
“It is good but not as good as you can do. You are better than that.”
“Not bad but you will let me down if you do not get to the top of the class.”
Still, although it was conditional praise it was still praise nonetheless and this combined with my endeavours meant that I was never ignored. The achievements accumulated, the prizes were gathered and the accolades were acquired. Upwards, always upwards. Accordingly, your praise and admiration means so much to me. It was always the standard by which I was judged and so it is the same now. I crave the adulation and the passion, that is why I work so hard to cause you to give it to me. I want it, I want to be seen, I want to be recognised and that means I must receive your emotion sodden attention. It does not matter if you are shouting at me or beggin me to stop, so long as it id directed towards me. This is why everything I do is calculated to provide a reaction.
When I am seducing you, you must never ignore me. I have too much invested in your acquisition to lose you to someone of something else. My bombardment of you with messages and attention is to draw you to me, but it is also to ensure that you do not venture somewhere else and I am denied your attention. This is why I will text you and if there is not a prompt response I will text you again, then again, then call you and then turn up at your house. I need to know you are responding to my seduction. I need to control you. There is too much at stake to allow you to ignore me.
Once devaluation begins then I need once more the emotionally charged attention that comes from you weeping, shouting and screaming. It never troubles me in the same way that it troubles you to be shouted at. I require it and all it does is make me feel powerful because I know that I can prompt these responses from you by virtue of my manipulations. I know by saying nothing that you will beg and plead with me to explain what is wrong, hang around me, eyes wide in confusion as you beseech me to tell you what you have done wrong.
I am not fussy about the emotions which you pour my way. Good or bad I will take them all. The bad do admittedly make me feel more powerful but the sweet potency of favourable responses and eyes glowing with admiration are most welcome too. That is one of the reasons I alternate back and forth, making you happy and joyful towards me and then full or woe and anger. The contrast reinforces my omnipotence because I am the puppetmaster. One moment I can make you laugh and then with a flick of the switch I have you in tears. That is power. That is control and this is what emphasises my greatness. Yes, I know you consider such behaviour wrong. I am well aware of that and do not be fooled by any pretence to the contrary. I am fully aware that such behaviour is considered, bad, wrong and evil, according to your values but you ought to know that this game is not being played according to your rules. It is played with mine and I always have to win.
Should you be treacherous and be the bad person that I always suspected you to be and ignore me, then I will provoke you all the more in order to gain my reaction. Few of you realise that this is the aim, at least, not until much later. You are unable to understand this sudden escalation, this switching because of the confusion that you are mired in. I am grateful that this is the case for when you ignore me I begin to crumble. The edifice that I have built up begins to crack, splinter and fracture and I must escape your betrayal and seek out the emotions of others in order to compensate for your seditious behaviour. If I cannot bring your love or hate to the fore, I cannot remain to be ignored, for that is my death sentence and I am not allowing you to sign that warrant. I must be loved for I am worthy of the most perfect love, I must be hated because my works are that of the devil and attract your furious ire. Always look my way, always give me your emotions and never turn your back on me. Do that and all will be well. At least, for me, but then, isn’t this all about me anyway?
46 thoughts on “Love Me, Hate Me, But Never Ignore Me”
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HG. I am making slight changes in my day to day until I can make my big changes. I do not park by him (MMN) in the train lot any longer. I really do not want to piss him off right now.
Will he consider this being “ignored”?
Should I expect any fury out of this?
Thanks
Your Humble Empath
HG. I forgot to tell you in the scenario above I am a SIPSS painted white. I know you need all the info before you can answer. Thank you for your time.
Lori
My exhusband thinks he is very logical too, but then he was a philosophy major and trained in logical argument. I asked him once how he could do things that hurt himself when he was so logical and he said that he was logical, but not always rational. He said that I, on the other hand, was a very rational person, but not always logical. It took me a while to understand this, but I think I do now.
I’ve concluded that narcs who understand logical thinking have an advantage on the rest of us at thinking logically, because they don’t have as many different emotions getting in the way of their logic. While we have the advantage at making rational choices because we’re not having to constantly support and maintain a false construct and pursue fuel at all costs.
Ha this is so familiar. When we first met I was bombarded with texts. Once he was suddenly at my door. When I had little time and it was ‘dangerous’ (he was strange from the beginning – now of course I understand why but I didn’t then) he had all the interest and energy in the world. When I had time, he would stand me up. I dumped him after the first month because I saw he was controlling. Stupid me for second guessing myself. I also accused mine of wanting virtual sex more than the real thing (I was a virtual sex virgin). I wonder if you could speak to that issue, HG. For awhile I thought mine had a porn addiction, which he well might. But what is more curious to me is the extreme reaction to any hint of virtual sex. He even gets off on an mmmmm. Sometimes I would feel as if he had me in a hand grip. Electronically. Of course it’s probably an intimacy issue but is this common HG? Thanks.
I realize my Emotional Pain around the narcs abuse/trauma became the Tool I have been manipulated with. By their climbing into my own personal wounds and punishing me with the crimes of their abuser (it left me confused, as I was the rescuer and protector). I would have done anything on God’s Green Earth to change history. This … in a nutshell is precisely how I have been mentally tormented. This is such a twisted mind game. Now…freedom.
So the narcissist just wants to be loved – he is! The narcissist is not broken; he functions and thrives, and he survives. He was damaged by a narcissist parent? No. He survived it and came out strong. He can destroy people’s lives with the twitch of a finger. He gets love whenever he wants it – deep, unimpeded unconditional love. He is far from broken.
I am an empath and I do not thrive. I am highly intelligent, extremely accomplished, very active, many friends, many admirers, many accolades, many activities, athletic and attractive, but none of it means anything. Nothing. Because the narcissists in my life don’t love me and never will.
The narcissist has fuel, but all I have emptiness and pain. I will never be loved, will not even recognise love unless it comes from a narcissist. I don’t even know what love means. No one can help me and I cannot help myself. The narcissist is perfectly satisfied. I will never be normal; I will never be loved, never be free of wanting that approval, that love that I can never have. It will never end until I die. I am the broken one, and I can never be fixed.
(((Stephanie)))…sending you hugs bc you sound like you need them. You can have that love from …you. you can learn to love yourself and gain the validation from yourself. I can relate to your post but it sounds like youve lost all hope in finding happiness? You have so much more than a narcissist has and thats the capacity to love yourself and others. Also you have insight and self reflection. Youre capable of learning skills that can better your life and you as a person.
I hope you feel more optimistic about your life as an empath. Narcissists do not have it better than us not by a long stretch.
Dear Stephanie
Everything you have written resonates with me. He is not broken. I am. He has it made and relishes life. Fuel will always be available. He thrives indeed. There is no need to feel sorry for him I agree.
I have examined my past and owned issues. I too am a good catch. I have gained extra qualifications since realising what he is but this and other achievements count for nothing as far as I am concerned. I have hobbies and friends to distract me but in reality that’s only temporary relief and I’m just killing time.
From his perspective he is normal, perfectly satisfied and feels loved. I don’t. All I want is to be loved by a man – simple. It worries me that even though I am able to intellectualise his disorder (through HG’s teachings), have witnessed him doing certain things, I still want him to take me off this shelf. I cannot find it in myself to hate him or be angry with him.
People are well meaning (often talk the talk but don’t walk the walk), self love is important but it’s not the whole answer, only love from an intimate partner makes you complete in my opinion. It’s easy for a non empath to say to use logic and not emotion. I agree that narcissists do have a better life.
I am sorry I have no answers for you (or myself) but I want you to know I completely understand.
Thank you both for ypur comments. Alice, that is exactly how I feel. It is as if the soul and passion for life has been completely drained from me. And, yes, it has not been helpful when people tell you to simply apply logic or “just get over it”. I don’t think I will ever get over this because it has been too long. In the end, all I want is his love and I know I will never have that. It has been six months and I still cry every day. I really am broken.
Thank you both so much for sharing.
I know it feels that way but they don’t intrinsically have a better life. Maybe some do, but don’t always believe what you see. My narc used to post so many photos of him and women. Someone who got close to his life as a friend, said it’s all pretend. People like us do have to deal with envy. With that lack we had as a child. But I don’t believe many really experience life in some ways. I work on this feeling you expressed all the time and when I 5hink of what he has in fuel I start to make a list of all the ways his life is crappy. And it is. Its my envy that gets in the way and where he is concerned, he literally groomed me to be envious. The ultimate salesman. Have their read some of HG’s writing on envy? That is our dark sideand we all have one I think.
Sarabella
You’re right they don’t have it better than us. Just think about it logically. They are constantly having to seek fuel, they can not ever feel joy or happiness. They can never feel the comfort of another’s empathy. They can never love or feel the comfort of being loved (since they can’t feel it). Their lives are like a constant race that they can not escape to stay on top of everyone else, all the while fearing deep down that they are a fraud.
Every single moment of my life is better than that.
sarabella
These two article explain envy very well.
https://narcsite.com/2015/09/21/the-greengreen-eyes-that-roam/
https://narcsite.com/2017/01/27/jealous-of-your-contentment-2/comment-page-1/
Hi windstorm… your post summed up so perfectly the life of a narc. I can feel compassion for them but at the same time caution bc they are coming from a place of toxicity. You can feel bad for a lion thats injured but it doesnt mean you try to go patch it up.
Its so great having you back! Now if we could get a few of the others back like Dr. Q i miss her posts along with others. People take breaks i realise. Its great to see you back! 🙂
Narc Affair
😊. Thank you!
Windstorm
Narc 2 always talked about being logical
Logic is all a Narc ever has. Logic stripped of positive emotion. The Narc said he would never want me to be like him. They know something is wrong. They may not know it Narcissism but they know they are different with respect to emotions
Narc was devaluing me once, saying that his thinking was precise, succinct and mine wasn’t. And I over analyzed things but when I said you do too, he said I know it. But this was the missing point, emotion. The ability to think abstractly and to feel with your heart.
This. What Sarabella says. I spent months looking at public Instagram posts and what I saw was not pretty and not happy. I am trained in visual analysis and I had a field day. I then told him what I thought based on what I saw, from the pictures he would post where he was always focused on escape rather than on what was in front of him, to his facial expressions and bodily posture in pictures posted of him. I know him well enough to tell a real smile from a fake one, and physical affection and relaxation from distancing and tension. He is never happy and he doesn’t love so he doesn’t feel or need love. I think it’s a false comparison. We can’t get love from them because they don’t know how to love and they don’t receive love because they don’t know how to receive it. They might have the trappings, a facade, things, experiences, people around, but it’s not love in their lives. My life is way better than his and he knows it.
SMH
ANother mutual friend of our told me he has no one. I said what about all those people, people who say they love him online, how great he is, unique… My friend told me they are all just party friends. Since I never fit into the party scene, I don’t get it except that they I guess are not close, likely use each other and more. But does he have anyone? No. But I fell for the posts until I learned more and then Like tou, got to see the falseness in the posses and with detective work, saw they were just random people he meers. Athough, it tripped me up badly. Really badly.
Sarabella, I know. I had all these ideas in my head about what his ‘real’ life must be like. Mine has a family – wife, three grown kids but no friends that I can see and none that he ever mentioned. The other day I came across two drawings one kid did of him – in one he was looking at his phone and in the other he was staring off into space. Both were labeled with his first name – not with ‘dad.’ He and his wife never interact in public. They do not touch, look at each other, or comment on each other’s social media posts. He’s an alienated alien. It’s sad. But he’s a good provider, he needs the stability and routine of family life, and he does not want to lose the affection of his kids. I get all of that, though I did tell him he and his wife were in denial.
It causes me some issues, even now. I know he led me, and many others, to believe that his life was all that. It was part of his sales job. Privately, he seemed to tell me the truth, that he was alone aND desperate. But then, he said he was on this great ride (with people) and that was his excuse for everything (how he trated me). What ever was the truth?
The only truth is that he was trying to control you and would say whatever necessary in order to do that. I know it hurts to acknowledge it but people who control others in order to get their own needs met are dissociating to escape their ‘real’ selves. There’s a lot of shame involved.
Shame in what? Why they need to control others? The way you said that clicked a light in, that both positive and negative words all have only one thing in common, control. Not a thing real about any of them. Hence why they can say over the top flattery and ugly abuse and not blink an eye. Their words have zero meaning to themselves.
Yes, I think shame in needing to control others because it is done out of fear of making oneself vulnerable. Shame in sex because it is seen as a weakness. Shame in intimacy because it is felt as dependency. Basically, shame in being a human. Their words do have zero meaning unless some of that weakness slips through (yours probably did feel alone and desperate in that moment). As HG explained to me, their narcissistic membrane (those are not HG’s words but it is the way I think of it), traps every human foible. It automatically kicks in so they do not even know they are using it. This is not to say that they don’t know right from wrong, but they do not allow themselves to contemplate moral issues because they desperately need fuel (emptiness inside). It makes perfect sense to me, looked at in this way. It doesn’t make it any easier – one has to mourn what one thought one had – but it does make it understandable.
Stephaine
I feel just like you. Just because my love was not reciproacated from the very person i fall in love with after a long time, had left me with a feeling of devalued, unloved and empty. I feel that our brain wants things badly those are denied to us. I no longer long for love from others and when i tried to find it, all I found was people full of narc traits.
I have never got any love from any man. Only people who love me are my kids and my mother.
I don’t have close friends either. It is good that you have friends and family who can give their time and support to you. Loving yourself takes time.
Oh. Geez y’all this makes me sad. There are good men out there I have had a couple but I end up getting bored which is common with Codepebdents
You can help yourself . Even if you are an emotional human. Maybe not right this minute. You can nourish yourself with nature , and good food ? You can pray ? You can go find a peaceful place to absorb nature and refresh your spirit ? I know you are hurting and it doesn’t seem fair. We feel the hurt , they don’t . They have tactics like soldiers to just keep up the fight and keep plowing forward. We have to learn those skills . They just think of how to get more attention and admiration —-fuel ..:and it just keeps them going.
We have to learn those skills too , sometimes ….you won’t become a narc . You will become better. Keep reading and learning if it helps.
Molly B
Consider yourself fortunate to be able to feel love. It’s disappointing not to have feelings returned but the narcissist can never feel love…at all. We are able to feel other positive emotions that they don’t understand. There are bound to be some pitfalls. We are still ahead of the game even if our heart is broken. We still win. If we stay away from the narcissists…
I find it helps to throw yourself into a hobbie fitness, yoga, painting etc…. I find it’s good if it something you measure your progress at.
I will say this having been thru this before, the pain lessens in time. I remember I thought I coujdnt live without Narc 1 but guess what ? I did and now I never think of him too much or really have an urge to contact. I thought this day would never come but it has
As far as narc 2? Well I’m still getting over that one but I can say I sort of don’ t care if he comes around again
Stephanie….
Word for word all of the above. #solidarity #relatableAF
Even if it is heart breaking.
don’t say those negative things about yourself. Think positive. You are normal. the narc is the faulty one.
HG, so if we ignore, the narcissist as they ignore us.
We are put into a corrective devaluation and disengaged from ?
Silent treatment or shelved for indeterminate time period?
Painted black for not providing fuel.
What would halt this disengagement?
Only when another appliance fails to provide adequate fuel.
So, based on the narcissistic perspective.
The narcissist cannot see the double standard around ignoring?
Us. Not them, are at fault.
I know a narcissist who has a public music profile where you can see what songs he is listening right now. And only by looking at this profile and not talking to him at all I can tell when he is seducing someone, devaluing, discarding and hoovering. I think he is a mid range n.
So it goes like this:
1. when he is alone, he has no IPPS or IPSS he listens to songs he always liked
2. when he is seducing a new victim he starts to listen a) some songs about easy love, new adventure, feeling butterflies and b) some new artists he didn’t listen before. It means that he listens to songs his new victim likes. He always check what kind of music his new victim like or asks her about it and then compulsively listen to it.
3. when he is devaluing he is listening to songs about being hurt or empty or angry. Pretty depressive and ugly songs.
4. when he discards he listens to songs about breaking up, ending things, lost love
5. when he hoovers he goes to point 2 b, listening the song his ex liked, probably thinking she will see it and react
6. After some time he goes to 2 a) and then 2 b) there are new songs – meaning he has a new victim and the whole cycle starts again.
It’s funny to observe, you can accurately tell what is going on in his love life right now. And you can tell who is his new victim, how long the new golden period lasts, when he starts to be disgusted with her etc.
I wonder if he is aware of this cycle and when he listens a new vinctim’s music – does he do it deliberately, having a cold head “oh, what a boring song, but I will listen to it so she can see how I am interested in her taste” or if he sincerely feels some kind of emotion “oh, I am so in love, I like every song my new love interest likes!”?
THIS IS MY EX!!!
Yes so true! My ex narc was so controlling over the music and was beside himself if someone else wanted to play their own choice of tunes. He would put his ear to the wall to hear the neighbors and run to blare his music louder. He would send the same go to videos to all his groupies, skanks and distractions. It was a game of guess what mood the child stuck in mans body was in. He sucked the life out of everything. He’s to ignorant to use his own words or feel for himself he has to use music..others stories, feeling to express himself. Don’t let him fool you..pay attention and you can’t unsee the evil, miserable soul. I called his body a casket..peak inside he’s dead.
My Narc. got cocky and sloppy and he put his family and loved ones in harms way…I did what I did in a proper manor. His other women, well they hit low, putting ads up on cheating sites with name work company and photos. They even outed his GF, as she aids him. Like Charlie Manson main women. or the Vampire main women. When he dies of drinking his liver to shit it will be a good day.
One of the many benefits ive gained from the knowledge here is what not to do to my kids and im so careful with my praise. I make certain to always give unconditional love and praise them for their “efforts” not just a favorable outcome. I want them to feel good about themselves regardless if they are the best or get 100% on a test etc. My kids have never been competitive. My son is a bit of a perfectionist with marks so im trying to instill in him that if he gives it a good effort he should be proud of himself.
I can see where this constant need for attention and praise originates from and i never want to make that mistake with my children.
Iam the same way with my teenagers . They need love and want my affection . I will never withhold it . I will give him hugs and my love because he is enough such a wonderful soul he doesn’t need to “earn” my love . I will look them in the eye and smile ….and I just want to cry how loved they are to me. I was never ever told this by a parent ….But I know how none of my other siblings were either. But …I am love …and I can still give and share my love .
One empathic parent can block the damage form a narc parent .
This is beautiful mollyb5.
Hi molly…what a beautiful post and your teens are lucky to have such a loving mother! This site has opened my eyes to potential mistakes in parenting and its also made me less judgemental.
I look at the golden children and even bullies and i see the root problem …the parents. I try not to be angry or resentful and realise where its coming from.
I try to look at it like they are going to learn how to deal with people …all kinds and learn to watch out for true friends …and learn to stay away from or handle difficult people the rest of their lives. If we all grew up in a bubble with only people who liked us and nothing bad ever happened ….we wouldn’t know how to deal with anything .
I wrote a reply …seeing if you got it. This is my phone so …not sure
Yes, I will be for my daughter what I never received.
Molly
You are so right. One empathic parent can block much of the abuse from a narc parent. I think it helps if you had narc parents yourself. I was never told that I was loved. I was never, ever hugged. My accomplishments were rarely praised. They were just expected.
I went out of my way to constantly tell all my children that I loved them and to hug them every time they came or left (even the narc ones who seemed uncomfortable with hugs). It made a big difference, for them and for me! Now my children all seem to be good parents – even the two narc ones.
Windstorm
They all hate to be hugged! Too intimate.
I told my daughter years ago that I will always be able to give her a hug . I added that even when I am lost in my own world and seem cold , she can come up to me and ask for a hug …..I will always stop whatever I am doing to return a hug from her . She does this multiple times in a day still at 15 ;-). I’m sure there will be a lull eventually …. and miss her innocence .