To Have and To Hold


We marry. Sometimes we keep dangling the carrot of matrimony for the purposes of future-faking and keeping a primary source interested and working hard to keep our favour. Other times it happens quickly in that whirlwind of the narcissistic seduction for the purposes of ensuring that you are bound to us as tightly and quickly as possible so we have the comfort and satisfaction that you, as our wonderful new primary source, are firmly embedded and attached to us. A swift engagement with the wedding following hard on the heels. It is customary move of our kind to enter into a marriage. We give the appearance of being utterly devoted to you, smitten and with our love bombing and repeated protestations of love and desire it is little wonder that the victim readily says “yes” and has the engagement ring slipped on her finger and the planning for the wedding itself happens minutes later. Marriage is important to the narcissist. Not the actual institution, although we will make a great show of emphasising just how important it is, what it means to us and how we could not wait to get married. All good material for ensnaring the victim and maintaining the façade.

When that day comes, what goes through the mind of the narcissist when he or she is stood before the altar, in a registry office or atop a cliff overlooking the sea in a civil ceremony? What is the narcissist thinking about as the priest or registrar conducts the ceremony? What thoughts percolate through the mind of our kind with the guests all stood behind us, staring in rapt attention and admiration, smiles plastered across faces and the occasional tear trickling from the eye of the emotional onlooker? What are we considering as the hymns are sung, the readings are read and the service proceeds? I shall endeavour to tell you, from the perspective of a male narcissist by reference to a traditional ceremony. Bride and groom are stood side by side, excited smiles exchanged and eventually the vows are reached.

“I HG Tudor, take you Victoria Tim, to be my lawfully wedded wife.”

I chose her. I chose her above all of the others. She looks amazing but then so she should, for me. I knew she would look so beautiful and all these people gathered here will be looking at her and thinking how beautiful she looks and how lucky I am to have married her. There was no luck involved of course. I planned this and it made perfect sense to marry so she is bound to me now. I don’t mind them all looking because although they might be looking at her, I chose her, so their admiration of her, is actually admiration of me. I am looking forward to walking down the aisle with her. So many faces and all looking at us. I can barely keep still as it is now, knowing that so many hundred pairs of eyes are fixed on my back, watching us. This is brilliant. I should get married every week. The whole day is about us, but I know it is all down to me. I chose her. I drew her to me. I am the one that created this wonderful union and I get to spend the entire day basking in the glorious attention and well-wishes of the congregation and wedding guests. Even more of them will turn up for the evening reception. So many guests, but that is what comes of being so popular. I wonder if the Predecessor Primary Source, what was her name again, Wendy, that’s it, I wonder if she turned up. She accepted the invitation. Not that Victoria knows she is a former girlfriend but the pained look and frozen smile that I am expecting from Wendy will give me an extra special boost.

“to have to hold”

Oh she is mine alright and I want to make her happy because then she will make me happy. I do think I have got it right this time. Everything seems so right about her. She lies everything that I like. She is so helpful and caring, I picked very carefully after the disappointment of the others, like Wendy and so on. I should have invited some of the others actually. That would have been very entertaining to see their faces when I walked down the aisle with my beautiful wife. My wife. Mine. She belongs to me alright and this time it is going to work. I am sure I have selected the right one. I have her and I will have her time and time again. I know how to delight her and she responds magnificently to my touch. Well, to be honest, they all usually do, but this one, more so than the others. Another reason I chose her. Yes, she is mine to have and I am always going to hold on to her. I treat her well. I really do. That’s because I adore her. There are so many reasons why I do. She is clever, she is witty, she is beautiful, she looks after me, she understands what I need. I know that to be the case. This is why I chose her and this is why I married her. You don’t let someone this good wriggle free, so I will indeed have her and hold her Mr Priest, I will hold on to her very tightly indeed.

“from this day forward, for better, for worse”

There will be plenty of better because that is what she and I are about. We fit together so perfectly. My soulmate. I deserve her and she is delighted to have me as her new husband, I know because she has talked of little else since the engagement. It was quick but so what, you snooze, you lose as the saying goes. Yes, lots of better, we are so fortunate to have what we have, more than most people, but then we are not the ordinary people. I know I have elevated her, but she has accepted that with good grace and enthusiasm, just as I thought she would. She will do as she is told. I was pleased she didn’t go in for that modern rubbish of excluding her vow to honour and obey. If she had resisted that, well, there would have been a problem. I know some couples both say it to one another but I am traditionalist. I wear the trousers. Of course I will honour her, she knows that, but I do not need to say it, besides, I decide what I do, not some vows. Don’t get me wrong, I intend to stick to them, but if something happens, well, I have to do what is right for me. I am hoping she keeps giving me what I need and that day does not come, but if she does mess up, I don’t think she will, but let’s just say for the sake of discussion and argument that she does mess up, well I will ensure I have other options. I mean, she will be a grade A idiot if she does that, after all, she is getting a great deal with me, but you can’t be a fool and rule it out. Not after what I have seen with the other ones. I do think she is different so fingers-crossed we will not have to go down that route. So, yes I intend to honour her. Obey? You can fuck that sky high! I do what I want. I am the doer, not the done too. Obey? Seriously? That one is for her and believe me she had better fucking comply with it or there will serious repercussions, but hey, I am getting ahead of myself here, I know she will, that is why I chose her. It is important that she does obey me because that way we stand the best chance of happiness and success. If she obeys me, which I know she will, I will keep her happy and not have to do what I have done with the others. Still, let’s not think about that on a day such as this. I don’t have to obey. She will. That is all that matters.

“for richer,”

No problems there El Vicaro, I have wedge and so has she. That box is well and truly ticked. How much longer will this go on for? I think I will have a cheeky peek over my shoulder. That bridesmaid is rather tasty; Natasha isn’t it? Victoria’s friend from university. She is totally wanting some of me. There we are again, that little grin and the bite of the bottom lip. Oh yes. Well too bad Natasha, this isn’t your gig but if it does go tits up, not that it will, I will look you up, of that you can be assured.

“for poorer”

Not going to happen so no concerns about that. Easy to agree with that one man of the cloth. Come on, when are we getting finished, I want to show off the vintage champagne that I bought. That will impress her old man. He loves that kind of thing. There he is, proud as punch that his girl has been chosen by HG here. Let’s give him a wink. He liked that, winked back. You wouldn’t be winking at me like that if you know what I am going to be doing to your daughter tonight. Hell yeah. Must have laughed then, I am getting a sideways glance from the soon-to-be Mrs HG, give her the smile. There we go, melting straight away. Easy.

“in sickness and in health

Bollocks to that matey boy, who do you think I am? Some kind of fucking nursemaid? She gets ill she deals with it and anyway she can go and see the quacks, that’s why I pay private health insurance. Don’t expect me to be arsing around looking after her though, I have other things to get on with. Of course, it is a different proposition for me. I am in rude health, strong as an ox, fine mind and so on. I don’t get ill. Being ill is for the saps and the weaklings, but if I am hurt, I daresay with me it will be something pretty serious if it going to slow me down, then I know she will run around after me. After all, who wouldn’t. I am worth it.

“until death do us part.”

Absolutely right daddio. That’s the only way she is getting away from me, when either her or me shuffles off this mortal coil. This is for life.

43 thoughts on “To Have and To Hold

  1. They call me fia says:

    awesome work done

  2. Tyler says:

    HG, how old were you when you got married?

  3. Sandra says:

    Hg did you receive me long reply to this I posted two days ago?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      I don’t know, it may be in moderation Sandra and I have not got to it yet.

      1. Sandra says:

        Yes it still says in moderation. It is further below but here it is again
        Sandra Melloul Heavensbook Angels on May 9, 2018 at 01:43
        Your comment is awaiting moderation.
        HG- Ok so I was married for 10 yearsvto my ex wusband. How can someone even a narcissist stay in a marriage and have children if they never loved the person to begin with? For ten years?
        Mind you our divorce was final 4/10/18 (thank god) and since then the ex has already impreganted his next victim and she is due in one month. June. The babies name will be Jamie. And this baby will be my sons half brother. My question is – if he stayed with me for 10 years and I found out he was cheating during the last year of our marriage when I was diagnosed with lupus and I started chemotherapy – my question is WILL HE DISCARD AND ABANDON THIS NEW VICTIM AND NEE BABY TOO? does the cycle ever stop?


  4. W says:

    I’ve done the Petri dish thing, both before and after finding HG.
    ended up the LMR narcoholic took the opportunity to malign Hoover me and I felt ill for days, even tho NC remained intact afterwards. Ive since replenished , or detoxed, from that one encounter.
    So he displayed exactly what HG has said in e dry way, except now I saw it! As it was happening!
    After 5 months NC that one malign Hoover was enough. No visiting his friends. NC must be total. He’s poisonous to me.

    UMR (who I was DLS to) nabbed me on a proximity Hoover. I got sucked back in for a week or so, then distanced a bit for a week as I felt he was AST me as a corrective devaluation. i needed to think anyhow, to let cool hard logic really get hold again.
    I then finally just put NC back into place the other day .
    Whole deal was maybe 2 weeks after 2 months of NC –and I feel relief I’m out again.

    I’ve decided to take HG’s word as gospel.
    That being so, I don’t need to play scientist. It’s too toxic for me now. Actually makes me feel unwell…weighed down, negative, ET comes back in full force, who needs it?!
    Lately, I’m so happy and free, my energy levels are light, breezy, clean and clarity reigns. The narc’s fuck that up.

    Presently distancing myself from unnecessary contact w the kids dad. Not entirely sure if he’s a narc or just highly narcissistic/abusive.
    HG – can you do more articles on that ? The way to tell if say , someone is %85 narcy, but not a full on narc?

    1. W says:

      That was a reply to Lori, / testing HGs theories

  5. Insatiable Learner says:

    Regarding testing HG’s predictions and him being right. We shall see about that. In my consult, HG predicted the narc I was involved with as a shelf DLS would most likely want to resume the relationship at some point. No word from the narc since October.

  6. Lori says:

    I’m really kind of hoping I get the chance to test some more but if I’m disengaged I’m ok with that too. I hold no ideas in my head of having anything with this guy. I fully know and accept what he is. I know he does not love anyone and can’t ever love anyone. I also know I need to keep any interactions with him limited or run the risk of ET.


    It is still wildly entertaining to conduct these experiments:

    1. Insatiable Learner says:

      Lori, maybe it will help to think about it this way. Whether you are on the shelf or disengaged from, any further interaction with the narc would require a hoover and whether a hoover occurs depends on a hoover trigger and hoover execution criteria being met. So, from a practical standpoint, there is no difference.

    2. SuperXena says:


      This one was hard not to comment.

      – “ My logical thinking asks can HG really know how all Narcs think ? “

      What more testimony do you need than all the comments of the bloggers about their own experiences that match perfectly ( mine included) with what is written?

      Testing it would be like testing if a lion is dangerous just because you do not believe it until you try it ( and probably die during the trial) despite the fact that there are testimonies that lions are dangerous.

      Even more if this is said by the lion himself?

      Yes, see these as the Laws of Narcissism and be grateful that you now have them.

      -“ Yes I still have ET but not nearly as bad and sometimes when I do it, I feel like a mad scientist testing theories and watching the Narc in a Petri dish”

      Never play with a narcissist by testing one. Regardless if they are low (unaware)or high functioning(specially the high functioning), you will eventually get a decisive surgical strike that could cause deep everlasting damage in your life.

      Eventually your empathy and their lack of it would have a ricochet effect on you.

      If I were you, I would not even have the thought of doing it….why would you even want to do it any way?

  7. Enjoying the Show says:

    Both my parents were narcs. Father was a bit higher in the narc spectrum than Mother. Mother claims that he was nice to her until the day they got married when he said, “I own you, I don’t have to be nice to you now.” My experience as their child doesn’t make me think she lied about that one because my dad was horrible. I always hated him. Her though – I did not come to realize she was a narc too until much later in life. Upon gaining that understanding, the whole disgusting dynamic made sense. When they were apart, they both “seemed” decent. But when together, it was like a bomb went off. Horrible! These days, I kind of “respect” my dad – he was always horrible – so cutting him out of my life was simple because I never loved him. He does not slander me online and leaves me alone period. My mother, on the other hand, her narc abuse was insidious and took a longer time to disentangle from, and I have zero respect for her. Zero. My husband has a special bottle of liquor saved to enjoy on the day she dies.

    1. Jess says:

      I’m wondering if your mom was just a severely abused codependent. They can be vicious also bc they are very judgemental of people who aren’t compulsive givers like them. Especially if you don’t do what they think you should do. My codependent friends can wound me severely but I shrug it off bc their lives are not even their own. I’m not trying to change your mind it’s just something I’ve been wondering in my personal life.

  8. MB says:

    HG made a comment recently that Matrinarc is in “rude health”. I assumed that meant bad health as I’ve never heard that expression. But now, from the context of this article, it appears to mean good health. Those familiar with Brit-speak, translation?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      It means good health.

      1. MB says:

        Thank you HG. I learn something new every day here.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Jolly good.

      2. Lori says:

        This is funny. I miss some of the context of Brit speak too which is crazy considering one of my parents is very British lol

        I always want to say you speaking American? As my parents skin crawls. Lol

      3. MB says:

        HG had me laughing out loud in my car this morning on the way to work! I was listening to the new Ask HG video he posted yesterday. He was talking about doing nice things for people like helping an old lady across the street or “picking the fluff off their lollipop”!?! Did I hear that right? What the heck? Of all the nice things you could think of Ha Ha

  9. Sandra Melloul Heavensbook Angels says:

    HG- Ok so I was married for 10 yearsvto my ex wusband. How can someone even a narcissist stay in a marriage and have children if they never loved the person to begin with? For ten years?
    Mind you our divorce was final 4/10/18 (thank god) and since then the ex has already impreganted his next victim and she is due in one month. June. The babies name will be Jamie. And this baby will be my sons half brother. My question is – if he stayed with me for 10 years and I found out he was cheating during the last year of our marriage when I was diagnosed with lupus and I started chemotherapy – my question is WILL HE DISCARD AND ABANDON THIS NEW VICTIM AND NEE BABY TOO? does the cycle ever stop?

  10. narc affair says:

    Ughhh…this reminds me of watching a horror flick youve seen before and youre screaming at the victim to not go in there and to run!!
    Its creepy to think these thoughts gping thru a grooms mind meanwhile hes got everyone snowed but greater narcs are the best at fooling people into giving them money, doing their dirty work, smearing you name it…and marrying them. Its not until youre truely burned by narcissism you arent as easily fooled and manipulated anymore. You see the signs and are more cautious.
    Ive asked myself if i wasnt with my hubby for some reason and my narc would i enter into another relationship and honestly no i wouldnt. Im done with relationships. Ill never marry again or give up my independance. I think narcissism has jaded me in that respect. I think its great people fall in love and im not against romance and love but for myself ive been thru too much and my time is over for this. Id rather enjoy the other areas of life. My children, careervand interests will be my future

    1. Sandra Melloul Heavensbook Angels says:

      Amen me too

    2. Somewhere over the rainbow says:

      Dear narc affair,

      I can’t give you the like (technical aspects and I usually refuse giving in to others will to invade my privacy- not taking about Tudor, but WP), so I tell you: same here, my romantic perception stays in the past. I feel so relieved for being able to think about important persons in my life and about me, I wouldn’t trade that tranquility for some “highs”. And if I want/need a rollercoaster, I may as well go for a real one or for paragliding, those are safer than a narcissist.

      Nex was right when telling me: “if you won’t get married while young, you’ll never get married”. I don’t need to tell him that he was right on that one as…he’s ALWAYS right, as any “decent” narc.

      1. Lori says:

        I wonder if I’m the only one who has a sick curiosity of testing some of the facts here with the Narc ? Yes I still have ET but not nearly as bad and sometimes when I do it, I feel like a mad scientist testing theories and watching the Narc in a Petri dish.

        Am I the only one that has mad curiosity? My logical thinking asks can HG really know how all Narcs think ? Are these cocepts of of ipps, ipss, shelf, disengagement etc.. always the case. Are these principles actually laws of Narcissism ?

        1. HG Tudor says:

          They’ve never failed to be accurate. Ever.

        2. NarcAngel says:


          No, you are not the only one, but if you still have ET (and you say you do), then experimenting is very dangerous. You may not be able to contain it to the petri dish and become the specimen yourself. I have messed with a fair few (both before and after finding HG) and his work has never (now or in retrospect) failed to be accurate.

          1. HG Tudor says:

            Thank you NA and wise comment re Lori’s situation.

      2. Lori says:


        Well not so far, put im in the early stages of my research testing lol and my research may not be able to continue Which ties into a question I asked. The Narc says we shouldn’t speak anymore blocked both my fb profiles but not my phone but won’t speak to me. I assume by your laws this is still corrective ? In which case at some point I may have an opportunity to continue to test your Narcisstic laws?

        I gotta say it is absolutely fascinating to test your Narcissistic principles. I am wildly curious

      3. Alexissmith2016 says:

        Lori, I’ve tried and tested on numerous Ns of each school and cadre. HG (as you would expect) is absolutely spot on !

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Thank you Alexis.

      4. Alexissmith2016 says:

        The only time he is wrong is when he doesn’t answer your bloody questions ! Hahhaha

      5. ava101 says:

        As frustrating as it is, but HG is always right.

        1. HG Tudor says:

          Ha ha, frustration is but a small price for such knowledge Ava 101.

      6. ava101 says:

        That’s true. 🙂
        Had to think twice of you today, 1. I was able to stop the game playing of one of my ebay buyers who clearly wasn’t interested in the article but in driving me crazy (didn’t work), and 2. when thinking how I know now when someone is 100 % not a narc.
        Yes, that is invaluable.

      7. Lori says:

        I get frustrated when applying the principles but certain nuances don’t fit principles and I wonder how that changes the dynamic


        Later I will that HG explains it another way somewhere else and I realize I didn’t have it in proper context but I try to stick to the basic principles when conducting my expiriments. I feel like my phone is my laboratory lol

      8. ava101 says:

        I wish I had such an accurate handbook for normals. Understanding about narcs has taken so much of the pain out of it, but to get hurt by someone who is supposedly capable of feeling, love and kindness without understanding the reason is more difficult now.

    3. Lori says:

      So you think. That’s what I thought after Narc 1 s return them enter Narc 2 who presented completely different than Narc 1. Once you are susceptible to these people you are. It can happen without you even having a clue until it’s too late.

      Narc Affair ,

      Are you still seeing the Narc? And if so why? I’m not asking in judgement but curiosity. I like to hear what people’s different reasons are addiction, revenge, curiosity etc

      1. narc affair says:

        Hi lori…yes im still with my narc for a few reasons:

        1. Im addicted
        2. Codependant on aspects of the relationship
        3. I do love him but realise its one sided and id never be with him in a normal relationship.
        4. Afraid of letting him go.
        5. His devaluing is very mild and not often like in other narc relationships.

        Those are the reasons in a nutshell but i also have serious reasons to leave as well that cause great anxiety.

        In regards to testing the narc i have. Ive implemented a few changes very subtle changes here and there and its actually had the effect i suspected it would. He took me off the shelf and started the mini golden period but i do know the more i start to look out for my interests itll reverse where he may get insecure and start pouring more attention on another source as his safety net and devalue me to change me back to the accomudating source. All that ive read here is accurate and it makes it very predictable.

      2. narc affair says:

        Someone i knew who had escaped gave me a piece if advice that i keep in the back of my mind she said if you dont want to end the relationship but want it to end itself you start implementing boundaries and expecting more frkm the narcissist and itll dissolve on its own and that is so true. Why dont we? Because we know deep down this will indeed happen!

      3. Insatiable Learner says:

        Lori, so your narc told you you should not speak any more? I would have taken this to mean disengagement but HG would know better how to interpret this. HG, would you mind deciphering this?

      4. Lori says:


        Oh my gosh yes. He’s kinda done that many times. He’s blocked and unblocked me many times. He said our conversations always end up on the same place. It seemed a little different this time, but I also did some manupulating I said I agreed with him and said we weren’t right for each other blah blah and boom block my fb profile. I almost got the feeling that me implying he’s not right for me by saying we aren’t right for each other wounded him. I actually did it because I suspected it might and wanted to see. I don’t know if that would we be wounding to him only HG can tell me that,but I know I’m not blocked from his phone and he’s gotten messages and I know darn good and well he reads them.

        So the question here is that disengagement or corrective ? If I apply the principles it would be corrective because I was not blocked from the phone but like I said only Hg can explain these nuances. The thing is when you test these things you learn the laws of Narcissism in a practical manner. I learn by doing.

      5. /iroll says:

        replying to narc affair,

        I find it impossible to go against my boundaries, so i freeze. They scream at me, bribe me and sulk all they like, i simply cannot assist them in abuse or be someone i am not.

        I am addicted to the psychological level of our conflict, but physically and emotionally, i shut off.

        There are 2 types of narc in my world – engulfing and rejecting. With the engulfer i am a kind of malfunctioning trophy, with the rejecter i am hyper-sexual, tortured but also frozen. When the latter does their whole ‘coming for me’, they have to do a lot of persuading and they’re always so nervous that things won’t go their way because of my skittish behaviour and it ruins their script. Narcy sent me a ticket and isn’t talking to me, which he thought would help him avoid conflict but it blew up the conflict.

        I’d say i am engaged with and become dependent on – yet am unobtainable to narcissists. We’re locked in an impasse.

        It’s putting a passive-aggressive person together with an anxious-passive person. There’s a lot of passivity going on. The narc’s denied fear of abandonment and stubborn autonomy makes them a lot to handle. It’s like having a giant baby boss you around all the time. I’m not even that mature myself, but i’m mature enough to know it’s all bullshit.

      6. /iroll says:

        *malfunctioning = caring but withholding

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