Exposure During Escape


Should you expose your narcissist when you have escaped? Should you expose him or her if you have been discarded? It is far more likely that you have established who it is you have been dealing with for so many tortuous months or even years, when the Formal Relationship has concluded. Whether you managed to escape, or, more often, you have been discarded, the revelation of what you have been entangled with is more likely to appear in the aftermath than opposed to during seduction or devaluation.

Armed with this new found knowledge, as the pieces of the jigsaw start to fit together, but whilst the emotion remains raw, the desire to expose us to the world at large is extremely tempting. What better way to secure revenge than letting those who fawn over us understand what we really are? You know now and in accordance with your empathic nature you feel obligated to share this truth now that you have sought the truth and found it. Now it must surely be time to announce to the world that we are a narcissist?

Once again, as described during devaluation, the timing and the school of narcissist are highly relevant to understanding what is likely to happen as a consequence of this unmasking to third parties. We address here the likely outcomes when you have escaped your narcissist.

Post Escape

The next scenario is to consider what will occur should you expose us to third parties once you have escaped our grasp.

The Lesser. 

You will have stolen a march on the Lesser Narcissist. Based on the assumption that you have effected no contact and escaped his grasp without giving him an opportunity to try to prevent your escape (see https://narcsite.com/2016/08/20/how-no-contact-feels-part-one/) then your exposure will have taken the Lesser by surprise.

His efforts will have been focused on trying to win you back through the application of an Initial Grand Hoover, but if your no contact has remained intact and this IGH has failed, the Lesser will have been forced to seek out a new primary source to replace you. His fuel levels will have dropped and he will not have the energy levels to engage in any meaningful smearing of you as he tries to seduce a replacement.

As word of the your exposure reaches him, he will be wounded by this substantial criticism. His fury will be ignited and he will want to lash out at you. Knowledge of the exposure will have amounted to you entering a sphere of influence so there is a Hoover Trigger. His reaction will be to want to effect a malign hoover against you. However, if your no contact is solid and the wounding effect of the exposure will mean that you have raised the bar high in respect of the Hoover Execution Criteria. He will not effect the hoover because the prospect of fuel is difficult, he may not be able to contact you and there is the risk of further wounding.

He will however have his fury ignited by the wounding effect of the exposure. Unable to apply this heated fury against you through a malign hoover and in desperate need of fuel, the Lesser will actually be likely to lash out at his secondary sources. This creates a further problem for him. Whilst on the one hand those secondary sources – family and friends, will react by giving him fuel – they cannot help but do so as he lashes out at them causing anger, upset and surprise – he is also reinforcing what you have exposed him for.

Accordingly, in such a scenario, you have spread word of what he is. This has got back to the narcissist and irrespective of whether people believe what you have said or not (we turn to that in a  moment) the mere fact of you committing such an act of treachery as well results in huge criticism and thus huge wounding. Unable to perform what will in effect be a Malign Follow-up Hoover against you, the Lesser will have lost control and will lash out left right and centre. People will be railed against, insulted, items smashed and so forth as the Lesser damages the facade through his own inability to control his rage.

Eventually the garnered fuel will heal the wound but after this the Lesser faces the consequences of his actions. Numerous sources will turn their back on him and he will be left to rely on a diminished range of sources. Lacking the energy to draw in many replacement secondary sources, the Lesser is forced to focus on obtaining (or embedding) the new primary source. He will however withdraw generally as he regains fuel and slowly replaces the appliances that he has lost. This may even force the Lesser to move territory and seek out a new hunting ground.

Your exposure to the third parties will meet with some success, certainly more than if it took place during devaluation. This is because you are likely to be more composed in your approach, because you escaped and you have been able to get in first with your exposure before the Lesser has been able to smear. Not everybody will accept what you tell them, but others will. You will also then see that rather than fight back by smearing you and tackling your exposure, the out of control and wounded Lesser will only behave in a manner which allows you to stand back and say

“Told you so.”

So long as you engage in this exposure in a manner whereby the wild and raging Lesser cannot exact his Malign Follow-Up Hoover against you, exposing him post escape is likely to meet with success.

The Mid-Ranger

What then of the Mid-Ranger? How does he respond once you have exposed him post escape? Again, this is based on you managing to escape without tipping him off as otherwise you will initially face the scenario detailed here https://narcsite.com/2016/08/22/how-no-contact-feels-part-two/

Once word reaches the Mid-Ranger of your exposure he will also be taken by surprise. Although possessing of a better cognitive function and greater control than the Lesser, the Mid-Range Narcissist will also suffer a massive wound as a combination of the twin criticisms of your escape and the exposure. His immediate reaction will be one of horror at your disloyal behaviour, amazement at how treacherous you are and disgust that you of all people could do a thing like this.

The fury of the Mid-Ranger will be ignited and he will need to seek fuel. Just like the Lesser, he will turn to wanting to contact you by way of a follow-up hoover, since your exposure step has caused you to enter his sphere of influence and a hoover is triggered. The Mid-Ranger will not proceed in a malign fashion but he will want to hoover you in a benign way and for the purposes of rolling our repeated pity plays in the expectation of causing you to give him fuel and to also end and indeed reverse the exposure.

He will want to know why you could do this to him after all the things he has done for you, how you could treat somebody who loves you so badly, how you could be so cruel, so evil and heartless when all he has ever done is love you. He will be oblivious to his devaluation of you as he is intent and focused on his own discomfort. The wound will have him restless, morbid and in victim mode. If the Mid-Ranger is able to engage with you, you can expect a lengthy monologue as he seeks to draw sympathy from you and also your confirmation that the exposure is a mistake, based on a misunderstanding and you will rectify it by telling everyone that you have made a mistake and that he is in fact a decent and reliable person.

If the Mid-Ranger is unable to contact you to make this heartfelt plea, then he is forced to seek sympathy elsewhere and he will engage his energies in locating (or embedding the new primary source) as he smears you for your hurtful treachery and also rolling out his own propaganda response to those you have exposed him too. He will want sympathy and support from his supporters, he will entreat his coterie and lieutenants to disbelieve you and to persuade others of his merits.

You may meet with some success in persuading third parties to accept the true nature of the Mid Ranger if you are able to steal a march on him through your escape. If you can get your exposure in before he can smear you then you will have some success. You will face the difficulty that the Mid-Ranger will not respond in an aggressive manner but rather deploy pity and seek sympathy all in order to have people feel sorry for him. This is an effective step by him and he will not engage in the self-defeating behaviour of the Lesser.

Your exposure combined with no contact will cause him to slink away and leave you alone. He will be forced to apply his efforts to the replacement and trying to repair his reputation with the third parties and smear you also. Whilst he has more energy than the Lesser, he may ultimately opt to maintain a low profile and rely on what remains of his loyal sources as he located and embeds the new primary source. You have raised the Hoover Execution Criteria bar and therefore the prospects of further hoovers will be limited for some time.

The Greater

Finally we turn to the Greater. What is his reaction on you escaping him and exposing him? Once again, if you have tipped him off as to your intentions, the initial response from him will be as described here

How No Contact Feels – Part Three

If you do not tip off the Greater, what happens when he learns that you are exposing his behaviour and what he is to third parties.

Your escape and this attempted unmasking, amounts, as you would expect, to a criticism. It wounds the Greater but he will manage his fury and keep it under control. For now. His initial response will be two fold:-

  1. He will seek to apply a Benign Follow-Up Hoover to charm you. This will be fierce and sustained and seem like an Initial Grand Hoover, but it is not. He will be delightful, pleasant, apparently remorseful and will lay on the charm and magnetism; and
  2. He will deploy all resources in order to counter the effects of your exposure with the third parties. This will be initially by way of asserting his credentials, then undermining you and smearing you.

If the Greater is unable to contact you for the purposes of charming you, he will accelerate his efforts to secure a new primary source (even if the replacement is not 100% suitable) as the Greater will want a replacement immediately for two reasons.

  1. Naturally for fuel; and
  2. To parade to the facade’s third parties as part of the assertion of his credentials and the smearing of you.

Your escape will be portrayed as him leaving you. You will be smeared as The Crazy One and he will gain fuel from your replacement and his other sources. He is adept at doing so and consequently this will provide him with the additional energy to smear you and derail your exposure.

It is very hard to expose a Greater because he has charmed so many people that they will just find it very hard to believe what you are saying to them. Not only that, the Greater will be fighting back by reassuring these people there is nothing to worry about whilst pointing to your drink problem, your habitual lying, your possessive jealousy and so forth. This combination of reassurance, charm and smearing means you are unlikely to have much effect on the thoughts and opinions of the third parties, other than them to hold you in contempt.

The new replacement will be paraded in order to try to draw fuel from you, there will be frequent Relationship Bulletins and you may have escaped but your exposure will actually feel like you are under siege again because of the effects of the Greater’s sustained and co-ordinated response.

Even high calibre evidence of what the Greater is may well founder in the light of his charm and concentrated abilities and ultimately you run the risk of either being seduced again through his charm or if you can maintain no contact, you will find your exposure has not dented his standing but has had an adverse effect on your from the sustained smearing you will suffer. Even if your exposure ‘gets in’ first, the Greater can  mobilise his propaganda machine quickly with the consequent problems this will cause for you.

You may wish to consider carefully whether there is anything to be gained from exposing the Greater and instead focus on the gains you have made from escaping.

Next consideration will be given to the scenario of exposure following discard.


9 thoughts on “Exposure During Escape”

  1. 3 weeks since the discard/escape. I’ve completely ignored the benign texts/emails. A couple days ago, he started sending long love letters through texts and email begging me to postpone the divorce.

    Now just today, he had his friend (a decent guy) call me (I didn’t answer) and then send me a copy of the love letters and a text telling me that my ex is really broken up and could I at least relay a message through him if I don’t want to talk? Apparently, my ex isn’t sure if I’m actually getting the voicemails, text messages and letters to two email accounts. Lol.

    I was tempted to send the friend an audio recording of one of my ex’s crazy rants, but my 18 yo son said “No! Don’t do that! Anything you do now will be used as a weapon against you. Just ignore him.” Then my son said that my ex is using the friend to get to me because my ex knows that I wouldn’t want to offend our friend by ignoring him. “Save those recordings for when you really need them. If you send them now, then you won’t be able to surprise (narc) with them later.” Then he said the poker game hasn’t even started yet and I needed to keep my aces up my sleeve. (I have a few more aces).

    Okay… this is mainly a shameless brag fest on my son. How the hell does he know this stuff at 18? So proud of my boy.

    But has anyone here sent the flying monkeys evidence like audio recordings of the abuse? How did it turn out? My son’s right that it’s not time yet, but I’d be interested to hear of anyone else’s experiences.

    1. Purple..
      Smart son you have there. He is right! Do not react or answer! Unless its something you absoutely have to answer for court purposes then do not show any emotion. Mine sent his other narc friend to ask me out then get info since I wouldnt answer his calls. They come up with some pretty genius ideas to get to you so watch yourself.

  2. i called the police on the upper midranger when he was trying to hoover. he then got a restraining order against me on trump up charges. i do not like what he said about me on record. its presented that i am insane. should i hire an attorney to squash it, or is it worth a restraining order on me to help prevent further hoovering

  3. I’d like to believe that all of this is true but in about 3 weeks I’ll be coming upon 2 years of being narc free… almost no contact for almost as long and I still get texts almost every week… and drive bys to try and talk to me every so often. He’s fully aware I’ve moved on, he’s fully aware that I have exposed him in numerous ways, health fully aware I want nothing to do with him but keeps asking if I think of him. I have texts where he agrees to his behavior and texts where he says I’m delusional. It took almost a year and a half to get the police truly involved and now I’ve been sitting for several months waiting for the police to press charges against him… log back up they say. He still texts me to remind me he’s there and I’m constantly on his mind. So where does he lay… apparently he’s not lesser, mid-range nor greater… just obsessive. Where is the end to this madness???

    1. dragon, i am going through the same ordeal. i went no contact, and when i did have to communicate, it was brief and without emotion. he started to notice the only time i would engage, was if it was health related to our daughter. so suddenly my daughter was getting hurt and going to the dr or er excessively. i finally called police and child protective services. he told them i had a drinking problem, it has been so bad that i will be neglectful or angry by calling police. he made me out to be the crazy jealous ex. now he is abusing me further and i have a choice now to engage throuh courts, or let him abuse me while trying to get on with my life

    2. Block him??? If you read blogs regularly on this site then you should know that he’s not going to stop…you need to do it. He won’t stop until he dies or you die. Much 🍀 to you.

      1. Blocking works if you don’t have a betrayer in your midst… I have changed my number and he received it somehow…
        BUT since I receive his texts… I have avoided seeing him in places I am at… and yes he constantly texts me what he is doing and how he misses me with him. I see the changes in his attitude ESPECIALLY because he receives no response… I see when he is getting desperate and is seeking me. So until I have my case in full effect (or I relocate my job and housing) I am keeping my number and watching his moves. The moment he receives a “who’s this” back after a text, he will start panicking, calling my office, driving by and such… even though I am tired of the texts, I would rather them than seeing him face to face.

        The difference is that I do not respond.

  4. Interesting article HG.

    “ If the Greater is unable to contact you for the purposes of charming you, he will accelerate his efforts to secure a new primary source (even if the replacement is not 100% suitable) as the Greater will want a replacement immediately for two reasons.

    Naturally for fuel; and
    To parade to the facade’s third parties as part of the assertion of his credentials and the smearing of you.”

    Would this include a reason of why a greater would quickly marry someone they have only known for a few months post escape and telling people exactly what he is?

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