A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 31
I sit here with tears falling wondering why?
Why the lies? Why are you twisting the truth?
If I could go back to that moment at your house I would not say what I did, when you whispered in my ear you will regret that, something just changed. For the first tiime I feared you. I needed to know if what you said was true.
I remember the feeling that morning of betrayal, I knew you had seen the comment. How and why didn’t matter, yet it told me you were watching my every moment. I always knew yet never cared, I loved you and had nothing to hide.
I sit here wondering why this girl whom I have never met or spoken to is telling *****I will sleep with her husband and your telling ****** I spend my money on pills, why?
Why is ****** messaging me telling me she is your girlfriend and you’re moving in together?
Why did you tell them I was abusing you? Why did you tell them I would your children, when all I have ever done was be there for you and them?
Why did you tell your mother she could no longer speak to me?
Why did you tell my employer I was a thief and violent?
Everytime I am turning around something else is happening.
******told me what you told them, I was stalking you and you feared for yours and your children’s life.
I came by once and sent one email, your reply was if I contacted you again you were calling the police.
I loved you, I trusted you.
Right now I don’t even know what to think.
My mind is a mess. I go to places we spent time at just to be with you. I sit on the pier watching the water remembering the last time we were there. I look at the things you gave me, the feather when we were hunting, and the time we found the fawn. I can’t stop the tears, I walk in the woods at night wishing something anything would come and kill the pain, the tears fall. I can’t stop them. Why? Why? My pillow is drenched and stained. I feel like I am drowning in the pain.
I found out today I have something to look forward to, I have to go on yet a part of me always belongs to you….
22 thoughts on “A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 31”
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Dear Twilight,
Your letter is very touching. Thank you for sharing.
It’s so hard just to understand why, especially when you’re still going through all the hurtful actions and don’t know the truth behind it all. It’s so hard to understand because we would never do the same things, especially not to the people we love and are close to. So, it’s very hurtful and confusing when someone does it to us. It’s sickening.
I hope you are feeling better now and on the road to recovery.
WiserNow
Thank you
Yes I am, for almost 3 years now.
I went through many ups and downs the first year after I left him. I still hear from him every so often but as time has pass they are becoming farther and farther apart.
I just realised I have been here for a while now, I remember when HG hit 2 million and now any day he will hit 10 million. Lol now I look forward to him hitting 15 million.
You’re welcome Twilight. Yes, I think the first year after discovering or leaving is the worst. I know in my case I felt a lot of ups and downs too and many conflicting emotions. I found it all hard to accept in the first year. I’m happy for you that you are three years down the track now and I hope you continue to do well.
HG is blitzing it!!! 🙂 Wow, almost 10 million! That’s huge. It’s good to see. Anything that makes this subject more well known and understood is a good thing in my opinion.
WiserNow
Thank you.
That he is! I remember when he hit 2 million and that was only I believe 2 years ago. The numbers show just how much his insights are needed.
I agree with you on awareness, it is the only way change can happen.
Oh Twilight I cry with you, I understand it’s all so hard to process and accept. we will get there. xxx lots of love
LYNN
Thank you. It has been almost 4 years now, I have been on the other side for sometime. I stay here because I am loyal to HG, he gain my trust and admiration and nowhere will I find anyone of his caliber to be able to convey this information in the way he does. He is brutally truthful, straightforward and let’s us voice our opinions and support each other with out to much interference and keeping things moving smoothly and not turning into a bullying site. I would never want to moderate what he does.
Hi Twilight
Has the pain ceased now? how long did it take for the hurting to stop? Did he try and Hoover you in recent years?
It’s so good to hear you have moved on and it gives me great encouragement that I will too. I’m certainly mending just have a sadness left inside me.
Yes HG is great we are lucky to have him
keep in touch would love to know how things evolved in your recovery over the last 4 years. Have you a new man in your life now?
Lynn x
Hi LYNN
Has the pain ceased now…that is a yes and a no. In many ways I will always feel a pain connected to him. It just doesn’t control me. I miscarried after I left,
Has he contacted me, yes several times. From a fake account on FB to braking in and taking my iPhone and flash drive, calling me at work to standing in the woods, the last time was almost two months ago. He called my work.
No I am single.
Keep moving forward even if it is nothing more then a baby step, and you may step back and this it ok. This is your journey to self discovery and we all walk at our own pace. The thing is one can tell you, yet discovering it change and growth happens.
One day you will look back and see the incredible beautiful, strong person you are.
Hugs,
Twilight
That part of having no control on the smear – degrading us and making them look like our saviour and us the crazy sick person is very hard to swallow. Thank you for your letter. Interested i. Knowing how you are doing now – if you are still on the blog .
OMJ
Yes I am still here. That letter still gets me when I read it. The memories and the emotions tied to it. My wall is up that keeps my emotions and what I feel from other so I am not affected like I was then.
I had a moment when I couldn’t keep what I feel outside from becoming mine. All the hurt, the pain, the confusion of so many people intensified mine and I was drowning. I wrote that before I ever knew of HG Tudor.
I loved him, I still do. I am not in love with him. My love for him was and always will be unconditional. I didn’t know the label NPD yet I understood his perspective. I left him because I put NPD and what he told me together. My husband was diagnosed NPD I didn’t know this until after his death so I have really associated it with what he put me through. My husband beat me, drugged me and took me into a world that was very dark. My ex never did this.
My ex….he like mind games. He wasn’t violent or yelled. He could get the hair on my neck to stand on end by slightly changing the tone of his voice. Lol no one would notice except me or a slight body movement. He was dangerous in a very different way.
I would say we challenge each other in a way neither had experienced.
I had an advantage yet never had the upper hand. I had to stay 2 steps ahead of him and 3 steps behind.
He would tell me he like how I saw the world. I would tell him he shows me the world through his. Truth was half way between what he saw and what I saw.
Thank you Twilight for responding and sharing. So many stories , so different yet so alike. I can relate to the tone of voice changing and being scared even if he has never have been violent . I can feel that violence slowly sinning in him.
Once he lost it very bad when I was not there an NISS and it took him 2 days to resettle his energy – he was another person.
Thank you again for sharing and having your letter published. Day by day.
OMJ
Your welcome.
I had an interesting day the other day. I have a box full of my old journals and read them.
They were insightful and damn if I dislike the reply button and a touchy touch screen.
Twilight – those sound like two completely different abusive situations but both equally horrendous. I’m sorry for your experiences because you sound like such a gentle soul to have undergone that.
I recall, and identify with, all the asking of “why” in littles ways and also the asking the big “WHY?”
When you say you still love him I get it (even though many might say that means attachment and not having your ET under control) But I believe you can still love someone and at the same time still identify how dangerous that individual is.
I remember saying to people (about my ex) ‘He was the love of my life; I just can’t be with him.’ I can identify that I loved the ‘could have been/would have been’ – as in the realization that it could have been such a beautiful life with someone normal.
I wish I could say he was more into me to even say that (I don’t think we had enough to claim that) , but I feel it. I loved him the moment I saw him 30 years ago, and there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t feel him. Maybe all it is and ever was was plain old unrequited love. I don’t know. I feel like we were supposed to be together. He laughed at me for saying that once. I said it felt like a sad Greek tragedy that we could not. I feel like I will love him until the day I die but I can’t have anything to do with him. He will only hurt me. He is dangerous that way. Its a hard life experience to reconcile.
WhoCares
Thank you. I have never spoken of the things, I have never wanted anyone’s sympathy. It happened, I just didn’t let it define who I am.
My ET is very much under control, I loved him for who he was never what I wanted him to be. That has not changed, and never will. I was never attached to him in the way many see attachment. Yet I will always be attached to him, it is no different then how we all are connected.
Hello Twilight,
“I have never spoken of the things, I have never wanted anyone’s sympathy. It happened, I just didn’t let it define who I am.”
I apologize if it came across being expressed as sympathy on my part; it was really simply recognition of your unspoken words about your past experiences in both relationships (I feel the same; never having wanted anyone’s pity – only understanding) and recognizing the inner strength that it takes to say that it isn’t going to define you.
(Maybe because, personally, I’m right there now; knowing I can make a choice about how much or how little my experiences will define me in moving forward.)
It will always be part of me and influence my future actions in some small way…
Thank-you for your words Twilight.
WhoCares
Sometimes I forget people can not see nor feel the meaning behind my words. I was just saying I didn’t believe you were giving me sympathy but understanding my words. It is the one thing I believe many truly desire is understanding.
Not letting our experience define us but learning from them, understanding brings a deeper meaning to our lives. IMO many get stuck in the experience and never grow, never seeing what is and accepting it.
One must experience darkness to understand light. I believe those are the exact words HG used.
Usually it is in the darkness where fear takes control. You can’t see, you can not hear nothing more then your own heartbeat, your own breathing. It is a frightening place to be. You have a choice submit or overcome.
Light thou IMO looks different for each side.
Sarabella – thanks for sharing. I get the classical tragedy reference.
I definitely did view my own experience with my ex as a tragedy (for a time)… I romanticized it even; when I realized something was deeply wrong – somehow I still thought I could handle it. I recall saying to mine; “You’ll never find someone as loyal as me and who’ll love you the way I do.” (In terms of actual loyalty, and in putting up with whatever was wrong with him.)
I eventually did reach a point where I realized that romanticizing it was incredibly unhealthy (and subsequently HG’s writings have put that all in perspective) and whatever I did; it was never going to be enough.
For me it also does help immensely to take strength from the words of others like yours and Twilight’s in identifying where we have been, where we are and where to go from here…
twilight thank you my friend, you were so strong not to surcombe to the Hoovering it must have taken great strength. your an inspiration. Thank you for your support it means so much.
Lynn x
LYNN
HG helped me, I listened to him.
He spoke the truth. If I had a situation arise, he had the answer. If I didn’t find it within his work, I asked him.
You hold all you need, if you need a more detailed way of handling your situation I would encourage a consult with HG, either email or audio. They are worth the money spent.
We all at sometime take 5 steps forward only to step back 3, when ready to step forwards again you will be stronger, wiser and will go farther. In no time you will look back and not only see how much your have grown, you will see the strength you have always held.
Twilight
This touched my heart. Tears……