Why Yes Is Not Always Best
Lots of people have trouble with saying no. It carries with it the connotation of negativity, obstruction and disappointment. People much prefer to say yes. I know that you and your kind really do struggle with saying no. You prefer to be regarded as a can-do kind of person, positive and accommodating. You also find it difficult to say no to people as you really do not like to see the disappointment on their face should you respond in this way. It makes you feel bad and accordingly, you either avoid saying it in the first place or you change your mind if you have said it. Occasionally, you will take refuge in the realm of uncertainty.
“I will think about it.”
“We shall see.”
“Let me reflect and I will come back to you.”
“I just need to check something, but I think it should be okay.”
You want to say no, but you find that you are unable to and therefore you trot out one of these insipid responses and ultimately you will end up saying yes. We know this is a common trait of yours and something we rely on and play on. We are aware that you do not like to say no and therefore we will press and cajole to ensure you say yes. Do not make the mistake of thinking that we need your validation and approval. Far from it. We do what we want. We like to hear you say yes because it underlines our power over you. We can always make you say yes. Sometimes you do it straight away (especially if we have you conditioned correctly). On other occasions it requires some persuasion and in the remainder of cases we need to pull out our manipulative tool kit to achieve the desired result, but we always get there. You are designed to say yes, we programme you to say yes and you do so even if it is ultimately detrimental to you. You feel you need to please and that need is greatest when it comes to us.
By contrast we are firm disciples of the word “no”. It is a word of strength. It is commanding and authoritative. Those who can say no have fortitude, steel and resilience. We say it regularly. We are untroubled by the fallen expression, the noises of disappointment and pleading. In fact, should you beg and plead we will just keep saying no and sit back and enjoy the fuel that you provide to us by your behaviour. Beseech us, blackmail us, bribe us and bombard us with requests, nay, demands to say yes and every time we will bat you back with a firm no as we savour your increasing anger, frustration and upset.
We do not associate the word no with negativity. We see it as a positive word. It is one that enables us to assert and maintain our superiority. We are able to use it to control you and keep you in your place. We are fully aware that whoever is on the receiving end of the word no automatically feels bad because they have been denied something.
“No I do not want to have dinner with you tonight.”
“No, you cannot borrow my car this evening.”
“No, you cannot go out with your friends tomorrow evening.”
It takes guts and integrity to say no. You struggle to say it because you are used to being exploited and taken for granted. You may try and dress it up as being someone who always helps and is a facilitator but the reality is you end up being used. Notice how in those instances above where I stated no, I did not give a reason for the refusal, I just said no. That takes real strength. I do not need to fall into providing explanations for my decision. It is my decision, the answer is no, that is an end to it. I can do this because I am not accountable. I can do this because I do not feel bad when witnessing the disappointment of others. This enables me to achieve more and avoid being burdened unnecessarily.
You can learn a lot from my use of the word no. Just do not think of ever using it towards me. That’s a big no.
33 thoughts on “Why Yes Is Not Always Best”
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If we were your fuel supply why would we not say NO to you HG? what you gonna do about it? lol 😁
You would be better off not knowing.
I wanna know….. i wanna know why you are so dangerous…. or the most dangerous. I tend to go towards danger….for some very bizarre reason….
oh I want to know absolutely I do darling
I said no to my narc and he just broke my heart by discarding me but that’s it only that. think of all the things I could say NO to you about HG and what you would do in response. If you are typical it would be a great educational blog. Are you gonna step up to the mark darling? 😁
It is of no real consequence given your position in the fuel matrix.
Stop side stepping HG 😉
Or read The Seven Statements of Cessation article on here using the search bar, though better still, listen to that on utube (Knowing the Narcissist) to get a real feel of the mindset, and a sample of reactions HG style.
😨
Blimey..I’m on a roll here..Or. . .
Read Black Flag by HG to know some of the dark consequences of being entangled..either by saying no or even when you say yes!
Because yes and no are difficult in their own diabolical ways.
Then listen to the stunned silence the book evokes.
A book you have to put down..walk about a bit and pick up again. (maybe just me that but I doubt it)
Gulp.
Difficult read. It is written very well and easy to follow so it isn’t difficult in that sense.
It is because it is sometimes difficult to accept that certain levels of behaviour exist in more circumstances than we imagined and how it is better to be mindful and avoid them.
Not to be afraid of danger is a mistake.
A healthy fear can save your life in more ways than one.
Be brave only were you must be brave, otherwise thereafter take steps that focus only on the safety and healthy survival of you and any innocents reliant upon your care and protection.
🛡
Love it.
I do say no but then have often ended up cornered into explanations. I want to stop that . I agree completely that if you say no to something you shouldn’t have to explain.
People are allowed to say no, people are allowed to not want to do things.
Also that no can be said and a reason doesn’t have to even exist nevermind given.
Lets get with the program.
We don’t always have to be the nice guy.. I don’t want to see footprints across my forehead thank you while other people go off in some kind of twisted glee.
I’m not doing it.
I’ll do as I see fit
I don’t hurt anyone, that’s not what I’m saying here.
But I am not in servitude to the masses and neither are you… and particularly to people with a sense of entitlement.
it always follows that you say no then get “whys” and then people get indignant. A real irritating coversation will follow and you end up the bad guy.
Oh. Get lost will ya.♥
It happened to me recently with a female acquaintance who wanted me to go out of my way to drive a 90 miles round trip to do them a favour when it was so much easier for them to come to me as they are regularly in my neck of tbe woods!! and then this ‘favour’ could have been done within days. Afterall ‘they’ were the one expecting things for nothing and it was genuinly difficult for me to do this for them on top of that at the time. My car was also due in the shop within a day or two!
I don’t know this person that well either.. it was a real cheek tbh.
So I said no.
They sulked and didn’t respond to 2 text messages that week.
I never said anything. I didnt react.
(We are in the same environment a few times a week.) However approx two weeks later they sent me a text that was only a few lines long basically saying hello…(??) This time I didn’t pick the message up because I often turn my phone off and give myself a break. But so what I now think.
When I saw this person in the usual place days later they rushed up to me all indignant because I haven’t answered ‘their’ text! Really?
Very hypocritical.
Normally I would have said something about that. But I didnt. I was pleasantly nonchalant and dismissed the approach by her.
Something similar with them occurred recently after so called normality returned, the person completely ignored me out of the blue.
So again, I did not react in any way. I acted as though they didnt exist but all the while remained pleasant in my environment.
2 days later I began to receive texts asking me if I was ok and how they were worried about me lately (as if) and were things alright with me???
Oh.
I see.
This behaviour is beginning to fall straight off the pages of The Narc Doomsday Book.
Subtle, slight, gaining a little momentum.
No.
So, Im not doing this with them.
I say it once. No.
And i won’t budge. Not now.
“Once you know etc. . .”
I’m a Tudorite.
🎶We are human, not dancer🎶
Haha🛡
DebbieWolf
Good for you. Learning to say no, and then saying no with no explanation (baby steps lol) is one of the most important things I think in asserting your boundaries. People often confuse assertion with agression. It is not. Agression is breaching someones boundaries and you need never apologize to, or hand someone an excuse for doing that to you. My view anyway.
Narcangel
Good points re aggression and assertion.
And baby steps too. Defo all learning curves one way or another.
DebbieWolf
Damn straight we are Tudorites! Excellent example on how to say “No” and how not to give fuel.
Thank you K.
It just got to point where I felt that slippery slope of nonsensical unfairness starting to form. I havent come this far to start skating down another slope, albeit slight.
We all know it starts off ‘slight’.
I know how I do not want to be second guessing myself or feeling taken advantage of.
I would rather be wrong and possibly lose out a bit if I misjudge it as opposed to it going the other way.
In this learning it is easy to see narcdom everywhere admittedly..but rather shields up in the baby steps of learning than shields down and take any form of bs.
You are welcome, DebbieWolf
Yup, we all know it starts off with one salami slice and before you know it, they take the whole loaf of bread and you are lucky if you are left with (comfort) crumbs.
Well, you did not misjudge in this case because people with healthy boundaries usually do not respond in the manner that they did; healthy people can accept, “No.”
Baby steps and keep those shields up to protect yourself from the narc BS. Narcdom is everywhere; be vigilant!
K
Thanks for that good point there. About how healthy people accept a no. Though that seems obvious and simple it isn’t always.. I sometimes forget this. I’m tuckng that under my belt again! Worse than ever not to keep that in mind.
That much to think about at times but to be fair it is bit like driving at first..eyes looking everywhere..overthinking some of it.. eventually we change gear and don’t even notice we did it naturally later on.
Always improving (hopefully lol).
You are welcome, DebbieWolf
I always tell people: If you can’t/don’t want to do something, it is ok to say, “No”. And, we have to accept being told “No,” too.
At first we are overly vigilant but, lately, I have been overthinking less, letting go and moving on. And, I am really starting to enjoy life again. It really does come naturally; you don’t even notice it happening. And feels really good!
That is good to know.
Thanks K.😊
Accurate descriptive statements of a Toddler’s emotional stage of development:
“I did not give a reason for the refusal, I just said no.”
“I can do this because I am not accountable.”
“I can do this because I do not feel bad when witnessing the
disappointment of others.”
NPD/ Arrested Development- There is no strength or increased ability to achieve anything worthwhile in this state.
It took me a long time to say “no” and I had to build up from literally no self esteem, no confidence, absolutely zilch…. I had nothing.
Only to end up in other relationships which also stripped me of everything once again.
Nobody should be allowed to strip someone of these things, it’s like being emotionally and mentally raped!
But there is one thing for sure and that is that nobody and I mean NOBODY will ever take those things away from me again!
You narcissists may strip us, and break us down til there is nothing left but you also make us the strongest we’ve ever been! Many of us now are a force to be reckoned with!
“You feel you need to please and that need is greatest when it comes to us.” Agreed!
But why do Narcs amplify the need to please? Because they don’t give approval freely? They want to make us work for it?
No. No. No. No. No.
Because I said. No.
But the point is, abusers will always be allowed to abuse others if we keep enabling them. If you have a choice, say no.
HG, what do you think about writing super sarcastic and funny post to show the victims what narcissists really think about them?
NO!
This is an incredibly important subject for discussion within the dynamic between the narcissist and the person they are targeting. A very important and relevant article in my opinion.
People who are empathic are very likely to be high in agreeableness and openness when considering personality type (Carl Jung ). Highly compassionate people will often find conflict, or being disagreeable uncomfortable as it goes against their formed personality.
Everyone has a persona that they present to the world, this is not unique to a narcissists facade/ construct. We present what we want people to see, an empathic person is likely to present in a way which is likeable, and they may allow people to push, take advantage of them so they can continue to present as likeable. This is only detrimental to them long term and will likely cause resentment and anger.
There is a difference between being harmless and being moral/ kind, being harmless will lead to others taking advantage of you.
I can identify key parts of my interaction with him, in which I was harmless. I wanted to say no, my gut told me I was not safe. He stated “do you not trust me” – my head said no! My agreeableness and want not to hurt HIS feelings said out loud “of course I do”!
– now where is that brick wall for my head to make contact with?
Saying that it was this interaction with the narcissist that highlighted all of this to me, it was this interaction that shone a light on the fact I was nieve and harmless, high in agreeableness and compassion.
I still have the last two traits, but the pure nature of interacting with a narcissist has taught me the most valuable lesson I think I have ever had in my life time.
The need to be able to say NO, the need to have the strength and ability to show my teeth when I need to… to know I can do this even if I choose not to… the point is I could if I needed to.
I now say no all the time! When it is the correcet response for the situation, not just because! This does still depend on who I’m interacting with and their value to me, but it’s a good start!
I may be alone in this one but I thank the narcissist for teaching me the most fundamental life lesson I could have had.. I am now more whole and more understanding of myself then I have ever been. For the first time in 36 years I know who I am, I like who I am …. and I can bite if I choose to!!!!
Random but on a separate note and just for information and interest, I have found a lovely site for jewellery- great positive affirmations on bracelets- so thought to share this with you guys- link below-
https://soulanalyse.com/shop/the-self-confidence-bracelet-set/
I’d agree Quasi, I’m better for it. I may not have liked the lesson. I may have preferred not to experience it. I may have wished it hadn’t taken two narcs (plus my mother) and 50+ yrs to learn. But I am so much more knowing of myself, so much more complete, way to go yet and wobble from time to time but happier with me. Happier to say no and to define boundaries. Difficult but necessary lesson.
Thank you Em,
My lesson was very short but effective. I was so, so lucky and I am growing more aware and thankful of that on the daily.
It’s inspiring to read your comment, a journey always has a destination, you have got this ! X
Yes and a “No” towards you will always cause a silent treatment for a while.
It takes guts and integrity to know when to say no and when to say yes, why compromise? Being a slave to the ego is not strength, and nor is having no boundaries. Both parties here are unable to sacrifice for the process of having an existential self, which takes guts and integrity. Everyone is trying to escape suffering and replaying the same patterns where they all suffer. It’s a creative block, both are ways of not living.
Believe me you get much better with time – roughly 60 years in my case. Dinner parties – no. Any sort of party – no. People – no. Grumpy old man – yes.
Hi Zeno, abit random but I really like your comment and love the name you have chosen.. stoic is one of my favourite words !
Such a great post, the truth and a chuckle. This word is often a catalyst for a silent treatment to be implemented or if the boundary is egregious enough, a discard. How dare me!