Trying Behaviour



You do not give up easily do you? We are pleased that this is the case. You try to resurrect what we once had. You will look to resuscitate our relationship. You want to breathe new life into you and me. You want to salvage what you can from the wreckage and build something anew. You will not let the life slip from what we have, you will not step out of the tangled and twisted remains and walk away. No, you try. You try to make it work, you try to see what can be done, you try to sort things out. You try to make everything right again, you try to make us happy, you try to please us, how you try to please us. You try to fix us, you try to banish these demons which plague us, you try to shed light and joy. You try when everything seems lost, you try when all seems pointless and you try despite everything else suggesting that what we are is a lost cause. You try because you believe in hope.

But what is this hope that has you trying on a superhuman scale, which has you wiping away the tears, picking yourself up, dusting yourself down and standing up once more to try to do the right thing? If you were not with our kind but someone normal and the relationship was foundering would you try as you do with us? Of course you would try and steer the good ship towards calmer waters but you would not try to the same extent as you do with us. Where two people find they no longer have anything in common, they may be content to leave matters as they are and drift along in neutrality. It is not heady and wonderful but neither is it awful. Is beige such a terrible place to be? There is security, the children have grown up and you have your separate interests. There is no hatred, far from it, but neither is there passion any longer, but something in the middle. This is deemed as acceptable and you are happy to trundle along in this manner. You do not try to rekindle those early days of your honeymoon period. In other instances, this mediocrity is found to be stifling. If you hear another gardening anecdote or incident at the bowling club, you will go spare. You want to travel and experience new things. Your other half is more interested in the home brew and the latest episode on television. There is no hatred, there is no passion but this time the middle is deemed suffocating and unacceptable. You do not try to rekindle what you once had but instead decide you want something else. You move on to something else, be it a single life with new pursuits or finding a new person who shares your interests. The separation is amicable, fair-minded and there is no turbulence. The relationship ran its course and you saw no reason to try to make it anything different.

Yet with us it is so different isn’t it? You try your absolute best to get things back on track, you try until you are shattered and exhausted, bewildered and confused. How can you not achieve what we once had again? Why is it so elusive? Yet you do not give up. You keep on trying. Again and again.

Such is the intoxicating power of the golden period, such is the addiction of this utterly falsified state of affairs, such is the massive attraction of that seemingly perfect love, you try your damnedest to resurrect it. Sometimes there is a glimmer of a return or even a brief sortie to that promised land once again and you know that your repeated trying has succeeded. It never lasts. It never stays. Still, you exhibit that indefatigable spirit as you try once more, looking to rekindle that special love we once had.

You even begin to sacrifice pieces of yourself in order to try to bring it back. You try to guess what we want all the time. You walk on those eggshells in order to avoid disrupting the fragile peace. You agree to do things you would never have countenanced once upon a time but hey, it is worth trying isn’t it? You decide to spend more time with us, sacrificing your relationships with your friends and with your family, but you have to try don’t you? You cannot be said to have not tried to make this work and if you had it once then surely you can get it again can’t you? You submit to more and more of our demands, demeaning yourself, degrading yourself and suffering our repeated denigrations but you convince yourself that this is all worth doing because you are trying to achieve a greater aim. You have hope that you will succeed and bring back that elusive golden period. You forgo invitations to events because you know it will displease us. You do not invite people to the house to avoid causing a disruption to the evening, since we want peace and quiet. You try not to say anything when we return late from who knows where. You try to remain silent when we spend hours staring into the screen on our laptops, tapping away, our minds somewhere else. You retreat, back-off and compromise, giving away more and more of yourself and your life as you try to succeed.

Thus here is the awful warped nature of being ensnared by us. In a normal relationship you may not try to the same extent because the excitement and passion was not as it was with us. Yet, this relationship is one where trying will bring about success. Yes, you won’t establish that paradise that exists when we seduce you, but it never actually existed to begin with. It is a fiction. However, trying to succeed with someone normal and healthy is entirely achievable. You will not, by contrast, ever succeed with us. You can try over and over and over again but for all this effort and endeavour you will not get what you want. What we once granted you will only ever be given again in small doses and then only as part of this continuing manipulation so that you remain in our grip so we can gather fuel until we throw you aside. No matter how determined you are, no matter how great your resolve, no matter the fact that you put every breath, every ounce of effort in to trying to make things work between you and us so everything is golden, it will never ever work. It cannot because you cannot control the golden period. Only we can and we choose who is granted it and when in accordance with our need for control and fuel.

Try to understand that.

9 thoughts on “Trying Behaviour

  1. Sanna paterson says:

    Well my narcissist, you discarded me over and over and then I discarded you…over and over. You went silent. I didn’t try to contact you.
    You discarded me. I stayed discarded. You’d pressed pause one too many times and then found I’d removed the play button.
    You e mailed me and revealed the contortions of your mind. Far worse than I could have imagined. Your attempts to turn friends and family against me revealed a viper which i would not have believed possible.
    My fury amazed me offset by calculatedly wounding you in the worst way possible. I know your insecurities too you see. I can stick a knife in an open wound and twist it just like you do.
    I know I took you by surprise. You still wanted me. You were far from finished with me when the semtex I’d planted blew as you reached for me again. As I smiled sweetly and took you to bed. I knew the fuse was burning, funny to know you didn’t.
    Good bye Sir.
    Taught me well, didn’t you ?

  2. A says:

    I really hope these people pay and pay dearly. The anger I feel now whether righteous or not fuels me to want to make sure of that myself. I see him now for the sorry piece of shit he is

  3. Spiritial Warrior says:

    IT is sooooo very sad how we allowed someone to have so much control in our lives. KNOWING the truth set me free in a way. I am not sired to him in that way any more. Having the awful sicko person in my life. DID bring strength in me to deal with some really hard family issued. In my ex-Narc world there is one Queen for over 15 years. SHE drinks a lot and takes depression meds. SHE has paid dearly to protect him. BUT I was his nightmare. I have seen him 4 times, since HIS truth came out. The spell was broken of wanting and missing him. He is pathetic as I now REALLY see him .He took something from me and he paid dearly.

  4. Teresa. says:

    I honestly think that this particular article is one of the greatest gifts you have given this community. I read it (almost) open mouthed. It is so raw; so incisive; so all encompassing in its direction and delivery. You are single handedly making this soul destroying way of relating somehow understandable…and therein you provide the antidote. I can only offer my thanks to you.

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Thank you and you are welcome.

  5. Narcissists Cartoon says:

    I believe you, HG.

    I like this optimistic quote of yours ” However, trying to succeed with someone normal and healthy is entirely achievable” It is a good reminder as after trying too much with the narcissist and not getting the desired result. It start to affect our thinking and future decision, we start to think that trying and trying is not something that will ever help in getting what we want. I mean, future goals, fixing relationships, etc. . .

    However, eventually with understanding what a narcissist is and building ourselves, our optimism and passion come back slowly.

    I never thought that “Not giving up” can ever bring an awful result ! Narcissists use all our good traits against us!


  6. Omj says:

    Funny after I escaped and was blocking unblocking still needed to see if he would Hoover or not – was still missing him at that time – the first Hoover was «  you gave up quickly » … I laughed

    I guess it is a matter of perspective – 2 years is not that quick I would say from my perspective.

    Was followed by «  miss you »

    So yes I gave up ! Once they are away from us , life gives you back real colors – not Narc colors.
    It is not beige life – it is real life in all the subtleties

    I know he could have bet I would have fought one more war and would have gone a bit crazier etc etc but thanks to HG and this blog and my inner desire for sanity – I escaped – I gave up !

    I fuckin gave up and I am so close now to not give a fuck at all-
    I can see this is coming – I have experienced it before with other Narcs – one day they vanish – they become dusts from the past- they have no grips anymore – that is the real give up !

    Yes I gave up quickly after 2 years , before I am too old, too empty, too damaged… I love that I gave up so quickly !!

  7. T says:

    Thanks HG for telling it like IT is.
    Even after it’s all said and done , I’m still missing him right now.

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