The Errors of the Ignorant – No. 3

TRY TOFINDMORETHINGSIN COMMON

A series based on the comments made by people who fail to understand the true nature of narcissists and the narcissistic dynamic. Whilst these comments may be well-intentioned, they are incorrect, perpetuate misunderstandings and in many cases create false hope, dashed expectations and perilous outcomes.

“Try to find more things in common.”

The instruction from the advisor is for the victim and the (as yet unidentified) narcissist to try to find more things in common. The confused victim has complained that once upon a time she and the narcissist once did so much together, they had so many shared interests, things in common, a mutual desire to experience certain things as a couple. Now, that has gone and fallen away. The victim does not understand what has changed.  Where once days were spent engaged in pursuits which both she and the narcissist enjoyed, talked about and planned, now the situation is very different. He is either locked away in the study ( the Bolthole), goes out who knows where or sits in the same room with mobile phone or tablet glued to his hand, rarely speaking.

The victim complains of feeling like the relationship has hit a rut, that it has somehow gone stale (oh how it has but not for the reason the victim realises) and is looking to understand how it can be invigorated with a return to those halcyon days of the golden period. The addictive qualities of that sensational time still infect the victim who understandably hankers for the relationship highs associated with that dizzying and scintillating time. The victim turns for help, explaining the trough that the relationship appears to have fallen into and listening to friend, family member, supposed relationship expert or whoever it might be as they listen and then offer this prescription in order to cure the ill that is being currently experienced.

I have see this suggestion made on the pages of an apparent experienced relationship advisor. The background that the writer detailed evidenced clearly the pattern that is recognisable (not to all though clearly) as that of the romantic narcissistic dynamic. The situation was clear and evident, but the response was that described above. The victim was urged to find more things in common in order to rekindle the excitement, interest and vibrancy of the early part of the relationship.

Note how the suggestion is for there to be ‘more things in common’ which presupposes that there was anything in common to begin with. No there was not. What you thought was a magnificent alignment of common interests was the effect of the mirroring that we narcissists engage in. We show you what you want so you fall in love with it. We show you yourself and thinking that it is someone else you fall for it hook, line and sinker. Our apparent enjoyment of fell walking was done to bind you to us. Our interest in Japanese cuisine was only done so you drew closer to us. Our enthusiasm for world cinema was driven by our unquenchable desire for your fuel. Since we saw the person that was going to fulfil our Prime Aims then your interests became our interests. Whether it happened to be morris dancing, medieval battle re-enactments or wine tasting. Whatever you enjoyed doing, we claimed to enjoy it as well, yet this was all fabricated purely for the purposes of ensnaring you. We attended the Star Trek convention with you, we volunteered to pick up rubbish on the local beach and to read the works of Lord Byron to one another. It did not matter because all we were concerned with was drinking up that wonderful positive fuel that you flowed with as a consequence of your enthusiasm, admiration, enjoyment and love for our supposed mutuality of interests.

This advice to try to find more in common is doubly dangerous.

Firstly, it causes you to believe that you actually had something in common in the first place. You did not. We created an illusion for you to fall for as I have described above.

Secondly, it causes you to keep trying to win our favour. You spend your time thinking of common interests that you can engage in with us. Indeed, you start to consider those pursuits which may not really interest you, but you try to find something that will interest us and you, because you want to save the relationship, you want the golden period back, you will go along with them because you are a good person who is trying to fix the slump in the relationship. Your advisor has led you down a dangerous path with such an instruction. This is because

  1. You are misled into believing that the problem can be fixed by you trying harder. It cannot but you do not know this and the supposedly wise advice compounds the error.
  2. You start to erode your sense of self as you actually move away from finding mutual interests to forcing yourself to do the things which we like.
  3. You may well engage in behaviours which you do not really enjoy but you go along with it because you think that if you can do something with us then you will meet with success. You start to make the sacrifices.
  4. You fail to realise that you are being devalued by a narcissist. You may be in the Stranger Zone at this juncture and whilst it is dull and bewildering, it is not the out and out abuse of the classic devaluation. This is a time when you might make good your escape from our clutches (if you had been properly advised) but instead you remain and leave yourself exposed to worse behaviours and abuses which will take their toll on you.
  5. You continue to plug away, trying to please us, suggesting things together, perhaps turning to those interests we once both engaged in. You will be met with either a lack of interest or your suggestions will irritate and then enrage us. By telling us what we ought to do together you are trying to tell us what to do (at least that is how it will appear from our perspective) and therefore we will feel the need to assert our authority over you by the unleashing of our manipulations. Not only will this hurt you, it will leave you feeling even more confused – you tried to do something good and enjoyable, you followed the advice which you thought would work – yet here you are shouted at, left in silence, berated and accused of being controlling and over-bearing. You are miserable, perplexed and no further forward. You keep trying to get it right but you cannot because you do not know what you are dealing with and you are only going to irritate and annoy us all the more.
  6. You become conned by the imposition of a Respite Period. Your suggestion of a bike ride through the countryside is met with a favourable response. You feel elated, it has worked, you have made a breakthrough and you have a wonderful day with us. You had no breakthrough. Your suggestion was irrelevant. It just happened to coincide with us applying a Respite Period. This supposed victory will just bind you to us for longer and then when you suggest such an outing in three weeks’ time (and this time we refuse and pour scorn on you) you are left perplexed again.

Once again, the ignorant have provided their advice which is useless when applied to one of our kind and all that follows is further misery for you.

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16 thoughts on “The Errors of the Ignorant – No. 3”

  1. I was reading reviews on Amazon for Character Disturbance and found this paragraph written by Old & Wise. The other book he refers to is, In Sheep’s Clothing.

    ‘Just don’t expect any quick or easy solutions in either book. Dr. Simon would offer them if they were available, but sadly the situation requires the victim (sheep) to do all the work of finding ways to deal with these monsters.”

    There are solutions available: GOSO, No Contact and How to Reduce Giving Fuel to The Narcissist.

    George K. Simon, Jr. received his Ph.D. in clinical psychology from Texas Tech University.

    I am not going to waste my time reading Character Disturbance.

  2. You see ,
    so many moths ,so many beautiful butterflies everywhere
    ,yes you deserve the adulation the love the fuel
    Of course you do and that is not sarcasm by any means

    I love the tase of the foods I need but my soul craves a bite of danger , a kiss that can turn bloody true palpable danger, to my soul my mind a challenge of my skill.,so
    hense my Demon , yes still his pet after 11 years but never free
    Silly Demon , He does not see the collor around his neck does he ,even as he flaunts his freedom
    💋
    And puts hits upon my life even after he won the battle lolololol
    In the end her as live or not
    I WILL BE THE CAUSE OF HIS DEATH , boredom enuie moths never ending moths

  3. I know one narc who is very very proud of the fact he is a dark hole . He is proud that he can not feel / cry about certain things. He likes his life as a narc . They don’t want to change unless…….their is a benefit to them..in their perspective. Mine quit drinking when he lived with me . But he would see drinking as a way to make friends ……so he will always see it beneficial .l to be a narc

  4. Healing victim ,

    The crime they do to their

    victims ..is lie to the police and call police and say “the victim “ is the Aggressor who has destroyed property of the narcs etc ..and the narc puts on an act so the police separate the two from hurting each other ….then take one to jail depending on the laws at the time . This is one example . Narcs are drunk at times too …and stalk / bash in doors , punch cars etc. and the victim tells them to stop it and is scared and doesn’t want to hurt the narcs ability to work at their high paying job so ….she just pleads with the narc and tells him to please leave because the cops are in the way. ( another example).
    Sometimes they sweet talk the police ( men) and the police feel sorry for them and just send them on their way ….instead of taking them to jail or they know friends on the police force and have gone to school( college with lawyer friend) they make friends with whoever they may need in the future. This isn’t a bad thing but it helps them in many cases .

  5. HG,

    the narcissist I know (I think he is mid range) goes through the same odd relationship phases with all his IPPS/Candidate IPPS.

    Firstly he seduces you and there is something which looks like the Golden Period which lasts about a month. After a month he starts to withdraw. He causes some fights, he is less affecionate, searching for some flaws in you, manipulates, gaslights, triangulates, flirts with others, acting like he was bored with you. And if you keep asking him what is wrong he starts to deploy absent silent treatment.

    The days pass by. You don’t react, you don’t try to contact him. After 2 or 3 weeks he starts the hoovering. But it is not a phone call “I am sorry, please forgive me”. These are passive hoovers like social media posts, songs about loving you, poems about missing you. He tries to make you to contact him.

    If you don’t contact him he will eventually contact you after a month with “I miss you, I love you, I want you back”.

    What is that? It is not the discard. Is it devaluation? False discard? Corrective devaluation? It looks like he does it to prove to himself that he can drop you like a garbage and after weeks come back with lame “i love you” and you still will forgive him.

    1. 1. How do you know he does this with all those he ensnares?
      2. It reads more like he starts with people as Candidate IPSS and then shelves them with some Corrective Devaluations being delivered in and around that also.

  6. HG what is the crime that Narcissist do to their victims? If one went to court of a lot of women who were victims. Name the crime. As something is going on in my world as women are getting together to sue him through Gloria Allred. Thank You

    1. It depends on what the narcissist has done, the relevant jurisdiction and its applicable laws.

      1. Thank HG…I know it depends on States. There are laws being passed by a women called Joyce Short Rape by Deceit….Many of us victims were LONELY….I JUST wrote on that article as it MADE me fucking mad… Emotional Distress…as mental abuse…I think it is a waste of time and money…So how to make up for the money we the women all lost…Many of his women post on the OUTING DATING SITE.. AS they charge to to have the sites take down the post. Also, He went after me to go to court. I never had to spend money till this year…I made my lawyer put his GF down two. So the lovely triangulation ME Narc. and GF mutual stay away agreement…So I have them they have me….sorry HG I have learned to know your enemy you play nice to find their weakness. HE has lost thousands over me…So maybe money doesn’t mean anything to

        them…https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k9h1Xe94lZw

  7. This article is really quite beautifully written re- style and use of eloquent language. ( I don’t know why but hinterland is one of my favourite words. It’s also a very good album by aim)
    I found it emotive, with sensory reactions to the writing and content.
    Again I feel so thankful that I was not and hopefully never will be an IPPS to a narcissist. I am not so sure that my strength and value for myself would have held as steadfast in that dynamic.
    Torture of the heart and mind of another to fill a never ending abyss…. there will never be enough.

      1. Thank you Narc Angel…

        I appreciate that. This comment is a double print though unfortunately- it was meant for the too late to sleep article … I was half a sleep I think. Internet went down mid writing and when I came back on I clicked an article too soon.
        Although I’m sure this one is very well written too…. lol

    1. Quasi
      You will never be IPPS now that you have awareness. I am also thankful that didn’t happen to me. I have stated before that I would not survive a proper devaluation.

      That brings me back to a thought I haven’t had in a while:

      HG if you were to ever go public, would the victory of ensnaring an IPPS with her knowing full well what you are be that much sweeter? Or would you never go public until you were comfortable with your ability to gather fuel in more socially acceptable ways?
      Fascinating to ponder from an empathic perspective. I hope you will share your thoughts.

      1. Thanks MB,

        I’m hoping so… I feel that I understand the red flags and can gage people quite well now..
        as long as it’s not a greater- as I’m sure that would be tricker to spot…. I just live relatively safe in the knowledge that a greater would not target me as I do not have the class traits or residual benefits for them, and im not a super empath if they prefer them – thank f**k for that…..

        Re- HG going public, I really hope he doesn’t do this. I think he should keep what remains his own world just that. But that’s just my view… x

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