Further Confessions of a Narcissist
Further confessions from the dark-hearted narcissist.
Learn more about the world of HG Tudor and his background.
Why does he exhibit his attitude to money? What is his response to the question of your needs? Did he ever actually love you? What was that which he showed you during your dance with him? How does he know so quickly who will provide him with the most potent fuel? These questions and many others are answered in this unforgettable foray into the mind and behaviours of a narcissist.
34 thoughts on “Further Confessions of a Narcissist”
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I just realized today that I’m pretty sure my husband is in some form a Narcissist… where do I even begin with the crazy??? He just leaves when he doesn’t get his way, threatens to kill himself, then gets mad at me for not giving in to his threats. How could I love him if I would just let him kill himself. Accuses me of abandoning him, when he is the one who left because his ‘needs’ (i.e. wants the password to my phone) weren’t being met. I feel like he wants power and control, but yet says he wants ‘love.’ His perspective seems so different in mine. He seems not to think rationally, like him stalking me, he says is ‘love’ because if he didn’t care about me, he would stalk me. But I don’t think he cheats, he is too obsessed with me to cheat… I just want to thank you guys for being so open and honest about the way you think. It really does help me to have a better understanding of his reality and this whole idea of fuel… one day he is begging me back and then the next I’m trying to talk to him and he is ignoring me. I feel like he enjoys the power he gets from that. He hates when I ignore or don’t engage in his drama… I could go on and on. What do you think? What kind of Narcissist? No cheating, but runs away at any little thing that upsets him, then cries victim??? Cries and says no one loves him, his own mother doesn’t love him. But then the second I’m nice, he gets mean again and says he wants nothing to do with me….
Hello Heather, on the information provided, my early assessment is that he is a Mid Range Narcissist. I would advocate organising an audio consultation with me so that I can gain more detail, provide you with a definitive assessment and also constructive insight to assist you with this situation.
You are in the right place Heather. Consult with HG and you will have no doubts. I’m glad you found him, he is the number one source on narcissism. You will get the answers you need.
I have a hypothesis that my co-worker is a mid range victim narcissist. What would that look like? K or HG, point me in the right direction to read more. The search function won’t help me here as the terms victim and mid range are too broad.
These are my “clinical” observations, ie what I see at work:
The most pathetic excuse for a human being I’ve ever met, is sick all the time, walks with a cane he does not need, takes tons of medicine yet seems to be healthy, walks hunched, won’t drive although he can (his medication keeps him from it) Gets rides to the doctor all the time, winces (as if in pain) while he’s talking to you. (I act as if I don’t notice.) “enjoys” talking about his symptoms and medication. Refuses to stay home although he is so “sick” I suspect because he would be there alone and not have an audience. He is past retirement age but he has no life outside of work and even with all his ailments he WILL NOT go! Also, let me add, he is useless at his job yet thinks we can’t do without him. He is integral to the success of the organization, NOT!!!! He is a hindrance and a fly in the ointment, yet we can’t make him leave. I’ve never seen a healthy person want to be sick so badly. I would also like to add that he really seems blank as far as being a “real” person. I don’t know if that makes sense, but it’s just like, there’s nothing else to him other than his status of a legend in his own mind and he perseveres for the good of the company although he is useless. I have observed copious amounts of sulking with or without his office door closed. I’ve rarely seen him angry. Nothing I would call heated fury. Of course he is the only one that is sooooo busy and hard done to yet he’s on Facebook very often at work. Busy, yeah right!
I know I’m rambling on. I’m trying to paint the picture. K, if you see this, would you weigh in? What do you think? How can I make him retire? Pay the doctors to tell him he is no longer fit to work? Seriously, he hinders profitability and progress. I’m at my wits end. I’m afraid if I hear that cane banging up and down the hall and that fake coughing much longer, I’m going to choke him out myself!
Thank you in advance.
MB
Angels With Dirty Faces will be a good place to start.
Thank you HG.
I’m trying to figure out what he is. He is not engaging or interesting in any way. He seems to enjoy pity and compelling others to do for him but offers nothing in return. Maybe just a run of the mill hypochondriac.
“Victim” and “narcissist” seem like contradictory terms. I don’t blame you for not writing very much about such pathetic beings.
K knows one with a few teeth that’s obese, in a wheelchair, and takes lots of medicine. Maybe she can weigh in on the purposes of these individuals. I assume it’s just a different approach to achieving the prime aims?
MB
Good God, my MMRN’s sister never got her driver’s license, sulked all the time and she was always on the computer/FB. I think he is a victim midrange and expect no reciprocity. He is using his “bad health” and work to acquire fuel (that is his fuel matrix). There is no way in hell he will retire voluntarily, you are stuck with him. Maybe the company is waiting for him to die or retire.
Reread The Incredible Sulk and How to Reduce Giving Fuel to the Narcissist. Repetition has really helped me get my ET under control. You need to beat the emotion out of yourself with logic.
Hypochondriacs, IMO, are most likely narcs because pity and compassion are fuel. They will do anything to achieve the Prime Aims.
Good luck, because you are going to need it.
K. Exactly what I needed to hear! He’s been there 29 years! I’ve only been there 3. The owner is a dogs body (an HGism I love) and won’t make a decision or engage in anything confrontational or negative. If this person had been hired on my watch, he wouldn’t have made it past 90 day probationary period. I’m not being mean, it’s just that we are in business to make a profit, we are not a daycare for incompetent, pathetic fuel-mongers. He is what I refer to as a sacred cow at the company. It’s like that movie Ground Hog Day. He’s worked the first year he was there 29 times and still doesn’t know his job. I think he truly believes he has everybody fooled into thinking he knows what he’s doing although EVERYBODY, even the dogs body owner, makes fun of him behind his back. I tell them to let him believe what he wants to, it’s all he has. Smoke and mirrors, his entire career has been a sham. Very sad. I deal with it by not acknowledging his wincing and other exaggerated displays of “pain”, never asking him what’s wrong when he sulks, and assigning as much of his work as I can to more competent employees.
You hit the nail on the head K. The reason he won’t stay out of work or retire is he would cease to exist. Plus we would find out even more of his incompetence that he covers up daily. Constantly doing damage control because your job isn’t being done while maintaining an image of being busy and sick. Must be exhausting! Sounds like such a fulfilling career.
Thank you for responding K. I knew you would help. You always do. x
My pleasure, MB
If I can help, I will always try. We are all here sorting things out and looking for answers and I honestly think this is the best place to be to get them.
I agree; Dogsbody is funny. It is not mean to acknowledge when someone isn’t pulling his weight; it is honest and, ideally, it makes sense to let him go, however, it looks like you are stuck with him. He acts like a bumbling idiot and probably isn’t very high functioning but his need for fuel means he won’t be leaving anytime soon so keep doing exactly what you wrote. Ignore his dramatic winces of pain and sulks and work on minimizing the damage. Be very matter-of-fact about everything. Unfortunately, the victim cadre seems to have trouble socializing (pathetic/bad hygiene, etc.) and they often end up rejected and friendless so it is no surprise that he is made fun of by the others.
Remember: all he cares about is a fulfilling fuel matrix, albeit a small one. It is all about the Prime Aims.
You’re the best K! We should be friends. It sux we don’t know each other IRL.
Yeah, this guy isn’t going anywhere and after letting him hang around for so long, it would be wrong to let him go now. I would never do that to him. You can’t force employees to retire anymore anyway. (At least not in the US.). I just hope I’ll outlive him, although even at 20+ years my senior, he’s probably healthier than I am!
The funny thing is, he is intimidated by me so avoids me most of the time and gets all puffed up if I’m out or on vacation to show he’s “in-charge”. Ha ha He must re-exert his long-standing authority that he never had, but won’t risk doing it if I’m present. He eats lunch in the canteen with everybody unless I do, in which case he eats in his office. He’s quite pleasant to me, but I sense jealousy. No smearing that’s gotten back to me. (Yet!). I guess I came along and ruined his gig. I saw he was an idiot my first week!
Thank you MB!
It would be nice to be friends IRL, especially, when empaths seem so rare. Maybe there will be a Tudor reunion so we can all meet and have some drinks and a lot of laughs.
He perceives you as a threat to the dominance hierarchy in the office so he withdraws and hides until you are absent and then reappears all puffed up (piloerection) to reassert his place. You feisty usurper; you came along and ruined his gig. Victim narcs are not malign, however, watch out; he knows you are not going to fall for his “Woe is I” act and he is wary.
Good word K! Piloerection. You made me google. I love it when ya’ll make me do that!
Are Empaths rare? I guess normals wouldn’t be a thing if they weren’t? Maybe we could get a figure on how many are. HG says one in 6 is a narcissist. Surely we are more plentiful than that!
Glad victim Narcs aren’t malign. I would have to find another workplace; I wouldn’t handle that well. “Feisty usurper”. I like that, although it’s not that I tried to usurp anybody. I don’t necessarily enjoy power or attention. I just saw what needed to be done and grabbed the helm before we sunk. I’m a natural leader. People have always trusted me to have the best interest of the group at heart. No matter where I come in to an organization, people gravitate to me as a resource for support and information. It’s been a common theme throughout my career and I am comfortable in that role. I lead like the wolf…at the back of the line, making sure the group is safe while they go about their work. I take the responsibility if things go wrong, never throw one of my fellow wolves under the bus, and always give credit where credit is due. Respect is earned, not demanded. A title doesn’t make you a leader anymore than standing in the garage makes you a car. MRVN will never understand that. Bless his poor heart.
Thank you, MB!
When I read how he gets all puffed up to show that he is in charge during your absence, I immediately thought of piloerection and it made me laugh. This blog is definitely an education, I have googled many things since I have come here, as well.
Narcs are a dime a dozen and empaths are rare IMO. The empaths that are here understand AND listen. That is a rarity!
I know you are not a usurper, however, from his POV you are an interloper. You are an alpha and your Scarlet E is glowing bright tonight.
1. People gravitate towards you and seek support, information and trust.
2. You make sure everyone is safe and no one gets thrown under the bus when you are there.
3. You take responsibility when something goes wrong and give credit where credit is due. (I would love to work with you!)
And your MRVN will never ever understand any of that; bless his narc-y little heart.
You would be an awesome co-worker K! Any organization would be lucky to have you. And above all, did I mention work must be fun! What’s the point otherwise? Being all serious with a stick up my ass? No thank you very much!
MB
Work should never be dull. We could tell jokes and laugh. People are more productive when they are happy. We just have to weed out the ne’er-do-wells.
Yes ma’am, K! People are more productive when they feel happy and safe.
K and Madskills
Why do you think he has been kept on for so long? Is he related to the owners/operators of the business? Are the owners/operators empaths who are unable to let him go due to their conscience or inability to affect him negatively? Hard to believe he could be there that long while contributing nothing unless there is something at play.
NarcAngel
Maybe they never noticed or maybe they feel bad for “bad luck Schlep Rock”. Who knows?! I would have canned his ass after 90 days. If you can’t pull your weight, then it is time to GTFO. People like him can bring everyone down and that is no good for business or office morale.
Yes K, it is bad for morale and he does not represent the business well. He is no relation. He went to church with the founder of the company (current owners father). VN lost his job selling appliances and founder felt sorry for him and the rest is history as they say. If it’d been on my watch, he wouldn’t have been here past 90 days either. One would think you could learn the business by osmosis over nearly 30 years! But no, he doesn’t even come close to “getting it”. He still uses paper and pencil!!!! I’m not shitting you. Sacred cow…
MB
The owner reminds me of my two CoDs. They don’t like confrontation and won’t make decisions and I think they are wishy-washy-waffles; tits on a bull. There’s a reason “Bad Luck Schlep Rock” lost his job selling appliances (the irony) and he should have been voted off the island after ninety days. He was so busy gathering fuel that he couldn’t be bothered to learn the business. Useless pencil pusher.
You nailed it girlfriend! I think owner is CoD. His wife takes care of him. The really cool thing is that he trusts me to take care of things and he doesn’t worry about anything. I’m ok with that. It’s just that if I’m running it, I should be making the dough that goes with it!
NA and K
I don’t know what you have to do to get fired from this place! Maybe stay on the narcsite blog all day! Haha I’m the only one that’s ever let anybody go. The owner is like nobody I’ve ever met. He doesn’t say the word no. He doesn’t do confrontation or negativity. He’s 6’5, has a very deep voice and could be quite intimidating if he wanted to, but chooses the path of least resistance. He’s of the mind that if you ignore a problem, it will take care of itself. Whatever happens, happens and he does nothing to try and affect it one way or the other. The most frustrating thing, he won’t make a decision! If I had the money, I’d buy this place. Owner is retirement age too. Children not interested in it at all. He has zero succession plan! That’s how VN has been here 30 years. That’s the way that problem took care of itself.
Truth be told, the dogsbody owner most likely has wounds of his own. Co-dependent?
Ah. That was my guess. The trials of some Empaths in the business world.
Absolutely NA. Business decisions can’t be made fully with the heart. I hate confrontation and tension and making hard decisions just as much as the next empath. It will absolutely take me longer to act than it would a narc, but I don’t leave a path of destruction behind me. As I said, I don’t burn bridges. If an employee is surprised by being terminated, I have failed them and not done my job. They will be given ample opportunities to address the problem and in the end, either choose not to improve (so they made the decision, not me) or they are just not suited for the work. No hard feelings either way. We shake hands and go our separate ways. It’s business sure, but it’s also people and there’s a balance. I take both into account when making a decision. Our founder and our current owner do not. They let the tail wag the dog and that is why they could make double what they do. I can only control so much. The sacred cows get their run and as we know “we’ve always done it this way” are the most destructive words that can be “uddered” in the business world. (See what I did there)
MB
Your approach sounds balanced and healthy. Its interesting though that both you and the owner are empathic but have a different perspective on the measure of success of the business. Is he older? Perhaps he is not driven by further financial success at this point? Or perhaps it is all just avoidance and guilt with terminating someone and affecting their life, as well as his fathers relationship with the person. In any case-thats where you come in to keeping things moving along. I did see what you did there and it made me smile.
He is 20 years older than me NA and really should be outta here. He has never been driven to do any more than the bare minimum as far as I can tell. Good enough is good enough for him. He inherited the business from his dad so he never asked for it, nor was he the one that built it so I don’t think it means that much to him. It’s not so much that he doesn’t want to hurt people and have that on his conscious, It’s that he just won’t deal with anything.
Me on the other hand. I don’t do anything half-ass. If it’s worth doing, it’s worth doing right. I’m not money driven. I just use my mad skills to help where I can. And since I now know I’m a carrier, it all makes sense. I not only help. I just do because it makes me feel good. You know what they say…if you want something done right, do it yourself!
MB
My two CoDs didn’t want any responsibility at all, so that doesn’t surprise me. Although you have a steak (I saw what you did) in the business, don’t kill yourself trying to run the office. Do the best you can do and let everything else go.
This is an excellent example of an empath taking the blame:
“If an employee is surprised by being terminated, I have failed them and not done my job.”
It takes you longer to act because instinct is quicker than emotion, which is then followed by thinking; a much slower process. No wonder lessers are so destructive, they are all instinct; no thought.
K, I take it all on and always have. (Carrier, remember?) Nervous breakdown almost in my younger career. Never again! I’ve learned to delegate more, learned the word no, and learned to have some boundaries too although sometimes they get a little fuzzy. This place is a piece of cake compared to many places I’ve worked. I’ve got this and I thrive here.
I don’t take the blame in a terminations. In fact, quite the opposite. I do all I can to save them, but the decision is ultimately up to them. If they choose to sleep instead of coming to work, they made the decision for me. My point was that if anybody is surprised to be fired, I haven’t done my job informing them that their performance needs improvement. Then my conscience is clear.
MB
Yup, I am a Carrier, too, and I understand taking it all on and I am happy to read: Never again! Take care of yourself and work on those boundaries. No more nervous breakdowns; you deserve better.
I agree; if they sleep in, it is their fault and your conscience is in the clear. Have you read, Your Fault: Blame and The Narcissist? There is a chapter about who accepts blame and, when I read your comment, it reminded me of the empaths ability to absorb blame.
I have read Your Fault K. I wanted to know about shame in the narcissist and HG directed me there. I am a veritable sponge when it comes to absorbing blame. I always find a way to blame myself. It’s almost the complete opposite of the narcissist.
Oversleeping is one of my biggest pet peeves. (The only one that annoys me more is people that don’t know how to merge onto the highway, but don’t even get me started!)
Getting up on time and furthermore, getting to WORK on time is one of the simplest things one must do to be an adult and hold down a job. However, and it seems to be the 25 and under crowd (my own son included!), that find this nearly impossible. I don’t get it! Get your ass outta the bed and go to work! “I slept through my alarm” is the lamest excuse for being late and it will provoke an immediate incendiary response from me nearly every time I hear it.
MB
That was a great book! HG is right; we absorb blame like a sponge. I never had a problem getting to work on time, ever. It is quite a problem and I am amazed that these kids can’t get their shit together and figure it out. I loved being independent. Get a job, get a license, get a life!
Drivers are referred to as Massholes where I live. Ha ha ha…it is so true!
I know how to merge BTW.
K, Mass isn’t THAT far from NC, although I’ve never been there. I’ve been as far north as Michigan. It was October on the shores of Lake Michigan and the coldest I’ve ever been in my life! I was 19 and didn’t bring the proper clothes. Of course I didn’t own anything that would keep that kinda cold wind out anyway!
My son is getting his license soon. Needless to say, there has been a focus on the proper way to merge in my lessons!
I am a good driver and extremely courteous. Even if they can’t merge and I cuss, I would never make a gesture or anything. If somebody blows their horn at me or makes gestures, or I can see them shouting, it will ruin my whole day. I don’t want to do that to someone else. Always in their shoes, right?
MB
Michigan is freezing! They have to put blankets on their windshields and use warmers so the oil doesn’t freeze during winter.
Yeah, I think I almost died K! Why anybody chooses to live there is beyond me. I guess home is home! Luckily I was only there one night. Even at 19, being a carrier, I was only there to help a co-worker (not even a good friend) drive to her grandmother’s funeral. Her car wouldn’t have made the trip so we took mine and I also helped her drive because we had to be back at work on Monday. Used much MB?