A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 63

 

danny's letter

Whore.
Slut.
Suck.
These were words I’m all too familiar with these days. They spin in my mind like and endless groundhog day, over and over and over. The slapping, the spitting, the choking. Sex play you used to call it. If I knew what men wanted and did what they wanted in the bedroom then maybe I’d be married with a family by now you used to say.
I’m educated, tall, beautiful, and used to be successful. I used to care. I used to feel. I used to have hope, an outlook. Now, if I can get out of bed and make it to the back porch to smoke a pack of cigarettes for the day and make it to the store to buy food without having an anxiety attack around humans I consider myself lucky. Mostly, though, I’m afraid to leave my bedroom. You are everywhere. Memories, I see your car everywhere, your name, you laugh, your smile, I still feel you, I can still hear you breath, the way your lips moved when you talked, I miss you. You are everywhere. So I’m afraid to go anywhere. I once drove to your side of town for dinner with friends and had to leave because I was afraid I may see you. I know me doing this gives you all the power but I just don’t have the energy. Everything is exhausting. All my light, my love, my tenacity, my excitement…gone. I keep waiting to feel empowered again, feel alive.
It’s been over a year since I’ve seen you, except you coming back twice this summer for sex and I hate myself even more now. I thought about you for months and months then you appeared on my phone and I felt you loved me and had been as sad as I had been during our time apart. I was a fool.
Everything spins. It’s been so long and I can’t get back to my old self. I just sleep and try to stop the memories.
These memories…
The time you whispered in my ear on our first Valentine’s Day morning during sex, ‘you know the only reason you’re here is so I can use your three holes’. Then I started crying and you kept going and I had to put on a happy face because your friends were in town and we were going out with them. Then as punishment for my morning emotional antics you followed up the Valentine’s Day with anal sex without asking. Just grabbed the condom and I was expected to comply.
The time you told your friends the only reason you took me on a nice dates in the beginning of our relationship was because you were trying to get laid.
The times I woke up next you you and instead of smiling, or kissing, or cuddling with me you would just say suck. That word makes me sick to my stomach now.
The time you urinated on me on your rooftop right after a long talk about our future, children, moving to Florida, and how much you loved me,,, then, without asking, you just started urinating on me and explained you needed it because you suffered extreme sexual abuse as a child. Then you poured your beer on my head and pushed my head to the ground and told me to ‘smell it whore’ I acted like I liked it, I had to, because I had just gotten you back and I knew if I didn’t, you would leave. After all, you did say that men fall in love with women who do whatever they want in bed. I knew that was a bullshit comment but kept obliging because silly me thought you really did love me and really did want a future with me. After all… it had been nearly 3 years of on again off again with us and you kept coming back so I believed you did love me.
The time you made me smoke a joint on the phone so you could listen since you are a federal narcotics agent and can’t do it you wanted to hear it. So you begged and begged and begged me to smoke one so you could listen. Then, after I did, you laughed and said ‘you’re such a stupid dumb fucking whore’, you said it twice, then hung up.
All the times you made me recount the details of my sexual encounters throughout my life because that made you get off. I told you I hated story time and I didn’t like it but you always insisted. Tell me about a cock you sucked is what you’d always ask… tell me about someone who you fucked. Tell me how much you liked it.
All the times you would ask me ‘how many cocks did you suck today’… then you’d say ‘let me have my little joke where’s your sense of humor’ as if anyone would ever like being asked that question daily.
The time you came with me at the beginning of our relationship to my father’s cabin and as we fell asleep you popped an ambien, like you always did before sex, and then you whispered in my ear, ‘you’re not going to recognize yourself when I’m done with you’
You didn’t like my clothes, always said I had to show off my figure more. Then when I did, you treated me like a whore. I couldn’t win. The endless double binds. Now you’re dating a girl who looks like your sister and dresses like a man. It’s odd and I feel bad for her.
The times you always wanted to watch me have sex with someone else. I thank god daily I never allowed you to talk me into that. I thank god daily. But I still resent the incessant asking…
The time you came on my face then slammed it into the bathroom mirror and told me to ‘lick it off’… of course it was followed by ‘whore’. That was the first time I ever allowed anyone to do that. You knew it was my first time, and it was not fun. I’ve hated it ever since.
The times you would roll your eyes when I didn’t want to tell sex stories
Then you would ignore me. Say everything was fine and I was crazy and I’m not remembering anything correctly. You would always say I took everything out of context. I ‘misread everything and my regurgitating incorrect historical fantasies proves I’m nuts.’ you’d say.
All the times you would make fun of my friends. I had to spend endless amounts of time with your friends and family when they were in town but god forbid I go out with mine or that you spend time getting to know them. Funny how you never had any new friends in town and that the only people you called friends were all your friends from back home. Odd. No real friends here and never made any effort to make any either, and always said mine were idiots.
The time when you called me from a blocked number so I could listen to your new girlfriend having sex with you. I subpoenaed my phone records. I know it was you. You are sick. That poor girl. Maybe I should tell her. I have a recording of the call, maybe I should show it to her?
I’ve lived a pretty normal life. Solid upbringing, good family, good boyfriends and relationships for the most part. One that cheated but I feel everyone goes through that at some point in their dating life. Pretty normal. So part of my endless spinning is shame and guilt that I would ever allow someone to treat me or even talk to me this way. How did it slip in to a normal state of being? I don’t remember how it got to this point. It was so subtle. So discrete. And it’s all my fault. You did nothing wrong you’d say. It was all me. If I would only, if I would do this, or do that, or if I didn’t cry or get upset then…. it was always my fault.
As I recount these memories over and over and over along with many others, I keep asking myself how could you ever let anyone do that, say that!? And that’s the thing with this type of covert abuse… it’s slow, subtle, it sneaks in… and you don’t see it. It’s precluded with an onslaught of warmth, real love, excitement, joy, happiness and plans for the future. Then, slowly, one comment at a time. Crossing one boundary at a time until you wake up one day after crying in your bed for four months and realize what really was going on. Then it becomes less about the abuse and more about how you let it happen. Then the shame, guilt, embarrassment sneaks in.
Suck
How many cocks did you suck today
Tell me about a cock
Tell me you like being a whore
Say you’re a whore you stupid slut
You’re wrong
You’re making things up
I never said that
Good whore
Are you delusional
You know you want to let me watch someone else ram you
Did you stop and suck on a cock on your way home
Are there any cocks you sucked you didn’t tell me about
I was afraid to tell my therapist last year what happened. Who would ever let someone treat them that way. But I loved you and I wanted you to be happy… you were supposed to want the same for me. Like we did in the beginning. Back when it was so perfect for so long… it used to be so good. How did it get to this point. The worst part as I write this is knowing that you’ve never given me a single second thought. We talked about marriage, a family, moving in together. YOU talked about all that. And now I’m not even a passing thought in your mind. That’s the part that hurts the most. No final discussion, no apologies, no good-bye hugs. Just a shrug of your shoulders and a shimmer of a thought about a whore you once dated. I feel so badly for your new girl. I know what’s happening to her behind closed doors. All the promises, the warmth, then the darkness. The double binds. The endless double binds and the sound of your condom drawer being opened.
I could always see how insecure you were. Most insecure guy I’ve ever dated. Maybe that’s why you need the sexual dominance and debasement. Maybe that’s why I allowed it, because I wanted you to feel like a man, it made you happy. Somehow it makes you feel finally in control of your own sexual abuse, if that ever even really happened.
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17 thoughts on “A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 63”

  1. If you feel that’s works for you ….there are ways to gain back your control , and power.

  2. I want to say something to you …..I’m sure you have heard it before …..It wasn’t you ….but HE had to say that shit and call you those names because he couldn’t have sex any other way . He had to reduce you to be able to have sex and see himself as a man. Vanilla sex bored him …maybe ?

    Not sure.

    But you played along once and then he knew he could do it more. You can in the future …(I don’t know how old this letter is). …you can control this ,…you can become a dominatrix…( in some form). …and you can make money off of men your way …and realize you have control .

  3. Shocking, still shocking for me. Please, never allow anyone else to do things like that to you again! He was an animal with low instincts when he urinated….. Yes, we do not think, that they can behave that way until it happens. When it happens, it paralyses us. It is too hard and difficult for our souls to realise it at first. The soul needs a lot of time to realise how ugly these people in reality are. If people say to you: “why did you not leave him earlier?” do not listen to them. They have no idea how tricky these people are and how much they try to fulfill our deepest desires and needs in the beginning.
    Although you cannot believe me now, you did not love the man, you loved the dream he had created for you. Whether he was a victim of sexual abuse or not in his childhood, does not matter. He did not learn from his past. That counts. If it was true at all. They have so many excuses for their need to be violent. Who wants to be a monster without reason?
    Sexual abuse in childhood is another cheap excuse.

  4. I have no words. I can only say you have suffered extreme emotional, physical and sexual abuse. This guy seems far worse than your average garden variety narcissist. I hope you will seek professional help. You have suffered too much to go it alone.

    I hope you know and comprehend that this guy is pure evil. A Federal Agent not surprising. Law Enforcement and Special Ops military seem to be rife with guy’s. There will be a special place in Hell for him. Please take care of yourself and get professional help if at all possible and know that NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT

  5. It’s now been 5 1/2 months since I first read this. Still the one letter that gets to me the most… Would love to know how you are doing Danny….

    1. Thanks for story. I literally could have written ur story as my own word for word. We lived a parallel existence. Your story by fair comes closest to my own–including the sexual assaults.

  6. Sexual abuse doesn’t turn men into rapists —being a misogynist does and those things can be very related. Yes he hates himself, but he’ll never deal with it because he’s weak and projects that hatred onto women the way that his perception of society taught him to. He also associates any weakness in him (it’s weakness because he’s not strong enough to be vulnerable), with femininity —as all misogyny does. All narcissists are misogynists because ‘power’ is a social, (not an atomic!), force. My narc-father even abused children, because he is ‘a child’ and as a child he learned that children are worthless. Stunted adults are different creatures from real children though, they’re psychologically deformed adults.

    This isn’t being ’empty like a robot’ it’s being empty as in socially nihilistic and self-loathing and having a pathological hatred of women (what they represent) or any perceived vulnerability, like ‘love’. Even people with low-empathy and diminished emotional capacity can develop emotionally-based social issues, in fact they are very prone to —because they’re impaired in a way that prevents them from processing their emotions, their emotions live at the primal impulse-level. Imagine if you never processed emotion, and every negative experience had the power to affect you in totality, without any sadness or grief or joy to combat it. That’s why he said he was going to change you and destroy you, because they really believe that what happened to them can be repeated onto you. They’re so full of self-eroding bitterness and resentment and false-superiority (their defence against all that), that they believe this and they want you to believe it too, because that makes them feel powerful. Inside, they are powerless and deeply afraid of that to the exclusion of all other information.

    When toxic narcissists say things like “I just don’t care (what you think)” – or “it’s just a joke” – or “I feel nothing” —they are preventing you from seeing their real selves, their pain, because they’re afraid of being weak (again). Psychologists know they are affected, there’s a difference though between being ‘affected’ and being ‘responsive’ to others; they are the former but not they latter—they’re unresponsive to who you are as an individual, but they are affected by a loss of control and rejection. They don’t want to earn their self-worth, they want to steal it from others. Being subjected to a process of earning self-worth feels like abuse to them: they have a primitive concept of social hierarchy where there is only .

    It’s in their nature to deny and suppress what they do feel, to the outside world and also to themselves. They do this to stay in control, to manipulate you and to protect themselves from their pain. It’s all an illusion, but the reality is they are so fucked-up that it really is also impossible to empathise with. Hatred on this level shouldn’t be empathised with on a personal level, because you never have to have that kind of experience and it’s an ugly feeling to empathise with, it’s soul-ugliness: it can be understood though, from a psychological distance.

    Because hatred, disgust and even pity is our true response to an abuser, because they can’t form meaningful relationships —they have to destroy you. If you are hurt by them, that wraps you up in the affects of their abuse which prevents psychological distance where they don’t have power over you and you can see them for who they are.

    If you never knew that people can be so broken that they embody hatred, nothing can prepare you. It’s near impossible to explain it to others and also dangerous to confront them. I’m sorry that you went through this, but it doesn’t have to destroy you because you are **not** him.

    It’s not Ok that psychopathic and narcissistic people are abused as children, they also need special help that they rarely get. But once they abuse others they’re going down a path of destructiveness that thwarts our ability, or the ability of professionals, to reach them. This is why we need to learn that while connecting to others and our emotions is part of what makes us integrated and self-aware people, we also need to learn to radically disconnect from toxic individuals. They have chosen to be alone, we learn the hard way, not to play their games.

  7. Poignant!! My heart hurts for you. It made me sick reading about the abuse you went through. He is not worthy of your love. You will get your sunshine back! It takes time.

  8. Such a familiar story and words that the narc used on me after I found out he was in a relationship with 2 other women at the same time. The tables turned slowing.. he would demand answers to the same sorts of questions that your ex asked you, and then would laugh saying “take a joke u idiot” and other times accusing me of being a whore if i didn’t respond to a text or call immediately..even if I was at work . NEVER have I met such a sick individual who uses, abused and thinks he owns women. I feel for you and hope you are able to forget this vile creature who was once your “boyfriend”.. take care…

  9. This is really extreme -Therapy, therapy and more therapy for the co- dependencey/ abuse cycle you got caught in.
    It’s over and never has to happen again.

  10. Sounds all too familiar. To demean me to a sub human level. Then marry someone totally opposite. To start with all the I love yous. Then slowly generate to a sexually abusive nastiness that only sick predators can conjure up.
    I hope some day you can get past this. To heal and learn to love yourself. Go back to the time before you met him. He was just a horrible nightmare….but real, I know. Realize that was not you. It was him slowly and forcefully manipulating you into what he projected.
    I too associated love with sex. That if I did what he wanted sexually, he would love me more. That is so far from correct.
    Even though I have had a hard time getting “ME” back, I still have some of the remains of his mental and sexual abuse lingering in my mind. The identity erosion is beyond belief.
    Please try hard to get that once wonderful woman back. You are worth more.

  11. Incredible letter. How brave you are to write this.
    The Ex MGN I was with did some of these things
    in such a underhanded way, its hard to explain.
    You explained it perfectly.

  12. All my thoughts are with you. I hope your therapist is equipped to help you with the specifics of your story. You describe very well how one can fall unto a twilight zone bit by bit day by day. Recovery works the same – but by bit – day by day – sometimes not noticing our progress towards the light.
    Make sure you have the right team around you to support you. Day by day – centimetres by centimetres. Stay close. Here is a safe place .

    1. Oh GOD , Im Sorry. Darling , Please Be Safe Now From This Situation With A Sick Bastard Like This He Is So EVIL, Hateful Hates Himself. Only Wanted To Absorb Your Goodness ,They Seem To Have The Ability To Overtake Us Through MIND&HEART Control And We Let Them, Because We Are Weak In Our Emotions..He Hates All Beauty , He Wanted To Run You Down. , Turn You Into A Terrified Mess .GOD Never Left Your Side, AlWays Remember That.You Slept With A DEMONIC Being . No Good Man Will Ever Put A Woman. Through That Shit . I Know ! 💔👥💌 Keep Learning. From. H.G.TUDOR. He is Absolutely The Best Teacher. GOD Could Have Sent To Us.. Sincerity SHARON 🌿🌷🌴🌹.

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