Ask the Question
You may remember Sophie who was one of my ex-girlfriends. She was a happy-go-lucky kind of person and loved dashing from person to person wishing them well. She was like a machine spewing out good wishes, pleasantries and compliments.
“You look really well,you have lost weight.”
“That skirt really suits you.”
“I heard you recently got married, you must be really happy. That’s really wonderful.”
“Hey great news on that new job. I am really pleased for you.”
“You look so content, I am really happy for you.”
She was really, really good natured. Oh and she used really a lot. There was not a bad bone in Sophie’s body and she always saw the good side of everything. I was by turns fascinated by how she managed it and also hugely attracted by her capacity to find victory from the jaws of defeat.
“He’s grumpy because he is tired, he works very hard you know.”
“I guess he didn’t have time to speak to me today, he has really huge responsibilities. He really has.”
“I don’t mind that he forgot my birthday, I am just really pleased to be with him, that’s a good enough present for me.”
“I haven’t heard from him so I guess he is out with his friends. It is really good to spend time with other people now and again, it keeps things really fresh.”
She just skipped along merrily handing out kindness and warmth as if that was all she was programmed to do. I reached this conclusion because behind the permanent smile, the twinkling eyes and elated expression she wore there really was not a lot else. She had no interest in politics, current affairs, sport, history, literature and so on. She would listen patiently if I railed against the latest proposals concerning immigration nodding and smiling and when I asked her what she thought she would say,
“Oh all of that is for people really clever. It’s not for me.”
She was never dismissive in the sense of pouring scorn on it just because she was not interested or she did not understand. No, she just had no interest because she felt it was beyond her, not something she had to be concerned about. She was concerned with just one thing ; skipping around like some modern day fairy sprinkling goodness everywhere. I do think she lacked much in the way of her own opinions and thoughts because she usually deflected any attempt to get her to critique something with a self-effacing comment like the one above. She never seemed to be caught in a moment of contemplation. She never seemed to pause for thought. She would just ask what I thought. She did this repeatedly. She was always concerned to know what I was thinking about.
“What’s on your mind?”
“Penny for your thoughts?”
“What are you thinking?”
“Where is your mind today?”
“What’s going on upstairs?”
Repeatedly throughout the day, as we sat watching television, after we had made love, during dinner, going for a walk, when I was shaving and so on. Always wanting to know what I was thinking. So I told her. From the mundane (“This shaving gel is not as good as the last lot I bought”) through to the loving (“I was just thinking how wonderful it is being with you”) to the scathing (“I was just wondering why on earth I am with such an empty-headed woman as you”). That was all she wanted to know. What was I thinking? On and on she would go, asking and asking and no matter what I said, be it compliment or nasty comment or ephemera she would smile and give a satisfied nod.
All of this made her very attractive to someone like me at the outset as she was a real high volume fuel generator but once that wore thin, it was rather difficult to denigrate her so she would react the way that I wanted. She put me in mind of that toy the Weeble. The catchphrase surrounding the Weeble was “Weebles wobble but they don’t fall down.”Sophie was like that. I would be horrible to her and she maintained a smile (although I thought or at least hoped she was dying inside) and made an excuse and found a rationale for my unpleasantness. Insults just seemed to bounce off her. Smashing plates and ornaments caused her to stand and watch with a slightly perplexed look on her face before she tidied the pieces away. She did not cry or show fear. I would sit and flirt with other women online and comment to Sophie about how attractive they were. She would look over and agree with my comments and go on to compliment how white their teeth were or how she liked their hairstyle. If I wandered in during the middle of the morning she would just ask how my night had gone. I am sure she could smell other women on me but she did not seem to react. It was as if she was wrapped in this coating of pleasantness that was impervious to any nastiness thrown at her. She would either respond with a soothing comment, make an excuse for what I had said or done or just not react and get on with her day. I used to wonder if she had me worked out and this was her way of negating me. How had she done this? Who had put her on to this strategy?
One weekend she was staying with me at my house and I returned earlier than she expected. She had not heard me come in (it is often said that I manage to move around with a strange ability to be very quiet, popping up without warning) and I could hear her talking in the bedroom. I crept closer and through the slightly ajar door I realised she was talking to herself.
“Must not think, do not think Sophie. Just keep doing. Smile and shine, shine and smile. Keep going forward. Don’t think about it. We know what happens when you think about it. Bad things happen but we don’t do bad things do we? No. Only good things. I don’t do the thinking, he does. I need to know what he is thinking and then I can make him happy, it is only fair, he deserves it doesn’t he? Don’t think Sophie, must not do that, come on, you can do this, you always do. Do it don’t daydream.”
I stole away and then realised what I needed to do to break her.
After that, whenever she asked me what was I thinking about, I would respond by saying “Nothing.” She would look puzzled and ask again. I would repeat my answer. She then would look slightly anxious. I would turn to her and ask
“What are you thinking about”
She would try and deflect my question by asking me again or changing the subject but now I knew how to get to her. I would never tell her what I was thinking and instead pursue her to tell me what was going on inside that sugary head of hers. It worked. She became upset, angry, frustrated and anxious so I kept it going and going and going. I have no idea why it troubled her so much. Her eyes filled with panic when I kept saying nothing and then she seemed to shrink, her light dimming as I asked her about what she was really thinking. She could not cope with it. I did not work out what it was about thinking that caused her so much consternation and I did not care, all that mattered to me was being able to provoke her into giving me that emotional reaction. It seemed that too much thinking on her part was a dangerous thing indeed. The important thing was that I had worked out how to provoke the provision of negative fuel. Makes you think doesn’t it?
34 thoughts on “Ask the Question”
Vent Your Spleen! (Please see the Rules in Formal Info)
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I intensely dislike people like Sophie. They’re mostly women, but there are some men like this. It’s uncharitable, since they’re deeply damaged and well-meaning. But I try hard not to hurt them. For some reason, I’ve been glommed onto by multiple “Sophies” who see in me the one and only person they can tell their troubles to. Everyone else thinks they have none. I know every. Single. One. They. Have. Ever. Had. In detail. They always have some nightmarish ones, and I try to be kind, but why am I getting nightmares offloaded onto me when I’m not a therapist? They insist on staying with their monstrous partners but continually asking me advice about them. And all they give back is “your hair looks nice.”
I actually had to build boundaries against Sophies as much as against narcissists. But I try, good gods do I try, not to ever be cruel to them. Just distant. As distant as humanly, and humanely, possible.
Hurting them is pretty pathetic, btw. I would have thought such easy game would be beneath a supposed “Greater.”
This reminded me of one of my teachers, just few months ago I finished the course with her. I think that she was a “super people pleaser”. I never met someone like her. I always asked my peers with astonishment, is she really that good? Or she is just acting?!
By the time I knew that she was really good, she liked to compliment people a lot and make them feel good. And I was ignoring most of what she was doing, am a little bit difficult to deal with. I saw her rolling around trying to please me, whenever I enter the class she would compliment my shoes, sometimes my clothes or my bags. I respond by just saying thank you. But thanking her was not enough for her, I believe she wanted to know more about me. During the break she would come to sit with me, chatting, and trying to know more about me. I change the subject by asking her about what she just explained in the lesson. I liked her attention, we all do, but I like attention more than other people, it is not a fuel as am not a narcissist, but I would not mind standing in front of crowd of million people, and singing or talking, while people are focusing their full attention on me.
After that I started to wonder about her personality type. I met her after I ended a relationship with a narcissist. I saw that her personality would be very attractive to someone who is a narcissist. So, I was thinking to myself, how she would react around someone who is narcissistic? I mean someone who is really a narcissist? I didn’t know the answer as the options were not around. So, I said to myself what if I become the narcissist just to see her reaction? So, I recalled some of my narcissist’s ex friend’s behaviors and I applied it to her. It worked very very well on her, she even become more attracted to me. And then after I knew the answer I felt stuck as the behavior I was applying was not of my real personality and I wasn’t really interested to have a relationship with her. I started to withdraw slowly, very Slowey. I also had to put in mind my grade at her course. So, I kept the luring up until the end of the course. And I got an excellent grade at her course. I didn’t harm her in anyway, the point was to study her behavior.
After that I left the place hoping that she will never be entangled with a narcissist especially the one that I know as he was exploring around!
Now returning to HG’s post. I was getting angry at how HG treat people then write about it proudly! But I guess that I was not seeing the whole picture. I still don’t agree and feel bad for people who were close to HG. But the point is, we are having a chance to see something that other narcissists would rather keep a secret, maybe forever. So, I consider myself lucky to get such a chance and look at how narcissist behave from a narcissist’s point of view. HG faces a lot of attacks because the role that he is playing is “changing people’s mindset” and enlighten them. As we know achieving this goal require a lot of effort and patience. It is not an easy thing to do. It was, in fact, the role of prophets, and we all know how much difficulties they faced to deliver their message. It is also the role of teachers and the role of those who want to make the change. It is like bringing an ignorant person and enroll him at university OR it is like deleting an old operating system at a computer and installing a new one.
At the end, I know that narcissist know right from wrong, So, I wonder if “Positive fuel” can be enough for them. As for those who are aware of themselves, they have a better control of their actions and behavior. I really wonder, if they can depend only on “Positive fuel” and discard “Negative fuel”. They would be in a much better position at keeping their relationships moving forward and they will not lose people who love them and sacrifice for them. Am not sure if this is possible as narcissist got a sadistic nature, so they might want to satisfy it between now and then. Hmmm! Still wondering.
I think you want people to see how you …mentally abused a woman to confuse her and make her emotionally unstable …you caused her pain . She was obviously trying her best to please YOU and to escape Criticism by You. I do know many woman like this in their personal relationship with their spouse . This doesn’t mean she was this way with her true friends ,or her family, or her job. It might be ? but , we don’t know from this account.
I believe you were actually a lot meaner than you completely say in this short account. Many woman have a pleasing , complimentary attitude …that’s how they operate. I will not make fun of or say that this is rare ….it’s not. I have sisters this way and my mother was this way. I see my young daughter wanting to please and make people feel good about themselves ……..this is-her nurturing nature.
You were a dick head for hurting her . You point out to readers that you actually knew better and you hurt her anyway ……you had other options . I will not blame this on the woman like many readers like to do . You are an asshole ….
…..and I know you wanted to be called out on it . You want women and men to see this and learn from it …..
you know better and you continue to hurt and punish .
Hi molly…i felt the same way reading this. Im grateful hg shares these stories tho bc they are eye openers not just about narcissists but traits we see of these women in ourselves.
Hg is leaving two legacies one of helping so many with his gift of writing and sharing but also his mothers legacy by continuing her narcissism…bittersweet.
Chimum
Great point about the two legacies.
I agree with you mollyb5. This was a dick move and he was aware, calculating…studying to figure this out patiently. We can’t imagine reducing someone to feel superior but he needs to do this. Some of the articles make me want to spit nails at him from accrossed the big blue ocean.
“It’s only the wind” is the story of how he convinced his girlfriend their house was haunted by slamming doors, making strange noises and denying having heard anything. She ended up in therapy and a hot mess. The part that triggers me to anger is that she looked to him for help and answers, trusting that he meant her well. All the while it was him gaslighting her. “Enjoying” it. Ugh…
I’m triggered by this. Im reminded of being repeatedly poisoned by my narcissist. Confused by my unexplained illnesses, going in circles “what did I eat?” “What was I drinking?” “Do you think its food poisoning?” I looked to him for help making sense of it. He nursed me back to health, earning my trust while making me feel inferior, like a burden he had carry. Later this was used to devalue me. In earshot he told his friends I was a lush, constantly ill and couldn’t hold her drink. I could outdrink most men…and was horrified by this portrayal of me . He was “the hero” who has to care for his sick girlfriend…. bleh!! The anger has faded but “it’s only the wind” and this article brings it rushing back.
In the end, there is always hope that by sharing his behaviors on this blog others will learn to trust in themselves. I wouldn’t have fallen for the haunted house. I am a Sophie, positive, loving, able to ignore, rationalize, reduce it to a need on his part and not a reflection of his “feelings” for me. When I finally do break I crumble to the floor and then usually it fuels my escape. It builds character once you recover from the hurt. I believe that they kill parts of us off and then a new stronger self emerges. That’s what I tell myself anyway. Lol.
I think I was like Sophie always trying to know what he was thinking so that I could make sense of my relationship. However just like you HG, the more I wanted to know, the more secretive he became. And now I know by reading your post that he must have gotten a lot of satisfaction out of torturing my mind.
I think this type of person is what you call a super empath… Who is way overboard. For those of us in the United States of a certain age the Mary Tyler Moore show had a character Georgia I think was her name blonde talked in a really baby Voice constantly was smiling and entirely naïve to anyone’s negative personality traits behavior And detached from reality she was like a baby doll. Really kind of like cotton candy… I don’t think many of these people truly exist- Maybe in that extreme hyper sexual feminine world of Playboy bunnies and models but in the regular world I don’t see this type of personality very much ever. they are definitely out there but I think they’re on the far far extreme like they got way too much estrogen at birth. They give away their power 100% to everyone else and let everybody walk all over them and never really even feel anything but that they deserve it? I think 98% of women have a lot more self-respect than that. And men there also mention that fall into that category too…the super flaming gay guys —ala birdcage?
HG, was Sophie a Super Empath? I disagree with Kathleen, with respect. I would ‘diagnosis’ her as do-dependent.
No, she was not.
Being an ‘estrogen-type’ doesn’t make someone a bimbo!
But yes, this looks like sexist ideals of femininity from the ’60s-’70s, very retro.
Where do I go to ask you a question? The email I received back from you sent me here. Is this the correct place to ask?
You may ask here or if it is detailed and appertaining to your own circumstances then a consultation is the appropriate forum.
I don’t like this one or the one about the fountain pen and hate letters or the story about the gymnast or the one about shoving the camera off the overlook.
It’s one of my sins. The rejection of negativity. I don’t like seeing you painted in this light HG. I know these stories are true, but it hurts to believe them. The reality of what you and your kind are makes me sad.
You feel this way because you have idealized HG. HG does a huge amount of good. Most narcissists only leave destruction. HG brings a great deal of solace and understanding to victims of narcissists. I personally recently did a phone consult with him where he further enlightened me into how he and other narcissists think. It’s hard to understand for us because we are just not programmed that way. But though he does so much good, he’s still a narcissist. What this story teaches us – and your reply illustrates -is that even people who know the truth can refuse to see it. And if you do, you will pay. The lesson here isn’t about how you are supposed to think about HG. The lesson is how you need to open your eyes to the truth even if you don’t like it. And with that HG serves us very well.
It is hard to accept the ugly truth. It’s not that I refuse to see, I just wish it didn’t have to be this way. HG does serve us well. He is the number one source for information on narcissism. I also have found his consults helpful. Thank you for taking time to respond Don.
DON. VERY GOOD POST ,H.G. HAS MADE MY LIFE LIVEABLE ,LIKE SO MANY OF US HERE ,I THINK WE ALMOST LOVE HIM. H. ISN’T THE ONE WHO HAS RIPPED OUR HEARTS OUT (HE,S. MENDING OUR HEARTS) I CAN FORGIVE HIM BECAUSE I KNOW GOD IS DIRECTING HIM FOR GOOD . I DON’T CARE WHAT ANYONE SAYS ,I BELIEVE THIS WITH ALL MY BEING ,TAKE CARE DON ,SHARON
People who have a tendency towards a fear-based approach to life can confuse ‘power’ with strength and protection. Not all power is like that though. They don’t see how that power on the surface can have a lot of weakness under the surface where a charismatic person wants to harm rather than protect others. It might be strong to fight a dangerous enemy, but it’s never strong to bully the innocent. As HG points out, he is trying to spiritually murder – women especially, with malice. This could be redirected rage against his mother.
Narcissists lack emotional depth so they also lack ‘specific insight’ and cannot connect with their own vulnerability. This gives them a very rigid view of social hierarchies – there is only power or shame. The world and themselves – is split into power and shame – ‘black and white’.
They are in an almost constant process of escaping the darkness within by achieving power from other’s perception of them, becoming ‘light’. It’s called the ‘GOD defence’. They respond to fears of vulnerability by becoming a god, while others do it by needing to follow a god.
That doesn’t mean narcissists are invulnerable, but they reject those feelings from a very deeply wired, automatic process that not even they can control anymore. It begins to become a personality pattern around age 7.
We all have to have a healthy amount of autonomy, despite the influence of traditional gender roles. We have to pick good leaders or the consequences are, people get hurt.
Femininity doesn’t have to be like masculinity to be powerful, there are many kinds of power. Ideally, people compliment each other rather than stealing self-worth from each other. You can only be generous, afterall, if you have something to give. HG doesn’t have to form long-term monogamous relationships in order to not twist a person’s mind against them through emotional abuse.
HG is operating an online consultancy business, he’s not doing this out of altruism. But he is real. One would hope the feedback is mutual, but i wouldn’t pin any hope on that.
I like this perspective.
I agree with this..positivity helps you see value in the pain. I now rely on me alone, I’m tougher and nothing scares me. I used to worry about everything. Useless energy waste…bc everything always worked out. This blog introduced me to my true self for the first time. No wonder I attracted abusers. I didn’t see my value. Hearing it wasn’t all my fault helped me move past guilt and make corrective decisions that changed everything. I was an active participant in the engagement. Some of the stories on the blog are horrifying and I’m not minimizing but for me it’s helpful to avoid negative feelings and thoughts for to long. Im afraid unless you see the role you played in the “dance” then it won’t be let go.
I love your honesty MB, you have great insight into your emotions. You are just expressing how the article made you feel when read. The harsh truth is sad and it’s ok to feel that, it’s also ok express that.
Instead of viewing it as a sin, how about acknowledging that you are in tune with your emotions, you can identify and name them, you can express them. We can recognise our sensitive spots in a kind way, and still be humble enough to recognise them. The ability to recognise our vulnerabilities is incredibly important, once something is seen it can be addressed and worked on. Again something we are more able to do then the narcissist.
Being high in agreeableness only becomes a real issue when others are enabled to abuse it. This falls back to action taken or not taken, how we react to others. Not how we think or expresses the thoughts. I am high in agreeableness also, what I think and how I express emotions does not fully encompass who I am or define how I will react / act.
My narcissist truly believed that he would get a reaction from me when he unfriended me, he knew it would hurt me, he knew how to hurt. It backfired for him as he received nothing! And he made the final cut of my supply line from my perspective. I may have thought many things but they did not define me and I did not act upon them. We can choose our action, that is our responsibility.
Apologies for the long post but I believe this to be an important and relevant topic for discussion.
Expression of thoughts here enables only a small view of a person. For a moment in time, and they are thoughts , thoughts do not define us.
I very often choose to let my ET lead when I can view a situation as important for learning, and ensure that I’m not so attached to the outcome that it will be detrimental to me. I evaluate how I react/ respond emotionally, and I use this to desensitise myself to triggering stimulus.
I know that you are completely aware of the malevolence under the surface.
When we read something we can have Automatic sensory and emotional reactions. If works such as this raise a negative feeling as they are an honest reflection of HG and his mind, then they are evoking what they are meant to.
Articles such as this and the ones you have mentioned depict what is there, they highlight the narcissists requirement to achieve the attention they need in line with how they feel in any given time frame. The need to get negative attention was clearly a want and a challenge with this lady, which may make it more potent when received.
I believe articles such as this are incredibly important in the pure nature that they do just as they intend, they provoke, they spark reflection, they induce emotional reactions. This makes them more effective in delivering the meaning/ the message.
Don, you raise a very fair point re – idealising HG, I believe that this is very common. It’s a little bit like the balance they have – when one source is being devalued another gets more attention and is idealised – I believe we do the same thing, a psychological reaction to achieving balance on the spectrum of emotions. When we realise what our narcissist is and are in the process of deconstructing them in our minds, needing to view them negatively to process our relationship and truly understand and compartmentalise. When we do this through use of HG’s teaching’s it would be very likely that he is viewed in a positive / idealised way as he is helping the person in the process of understanding. He is painted white through gratitude and respect..
This is my observation based on my journey, and how I idealised HG. The balance of dark and light is one which is fundamental across all areas of being, but that can shift and change over the course of time.
I really liked your post Don, and I felt you asked a question in a very sensitive and supportive manner. I also believe that you rasied a very important topic re – idealisation.
It is my view that people regardless of whether they are narcissists, empaths, or normals ( using the terminology here) use common methods to process information and .. we just do this from different perspectives, with different aims and motivations.
Well said Quasi. Spoken like a therapist. I will read it again later when I have more time to absorb. I can use all the therapy I can get! As always, thank you for being here.
Quasi
That was a very thoughtful and informative post. You add a lot of value here with your impartiality and willingness to consider the point of view of others. You also do it in a very gentle way. I remember when you first appeared here you were reluctant to comment. I am glad you did not adhere to that line of thought and now we can all share your contributions and insights.
Thank you NA,
I appreciate your words, and thank you for taking the time to read it..
I fear the blog may be stuck with me for abit.
MB , your very welcome.. I am not a psychologist or therapist as termed in the states, but I am a sort of therapist, an almost therapist- Lol
Quasi, You’re more emotionally mature than I think I can ever be. I haven’t a clue how to:
“ensure that I’m not so attached to the outcome that it will be detrimental to me”
Things in my environment affect me. Sights, smells, sounds, people, as well as what I read and what I watch. Some of the articles and comments here cause strong emotional/physical reactions. In normal life, I don’t talk about it, I avoid it, I stuff it deep inside. Here, Ive given my feelings a voice more than ever in my life. It’s therapy and it feels good. I will be more careful in the future though. I couldn’t bear for my posts to be ripped into the way NAs letter was for example.
Hi MB,
Thank you for your very kind words.
Please don’t feel that I am advising you to restrict or keep an eye on how you express yourself or, the content of what you post on the blog. The true meaning of my initial comment and the song I shared with you is “express yourself”, say how you feel, I like your posts very much due to how you express yourself with honesty and in a truly caring, authentic way.
This is doubly important if you feel restricted in “real life” and lock your emotions down.
Using the tools I have advised upon previously may help with that though. Even if you can not verbalise them to others or get feedback in real life situations, you can still write them down, notice emotions and let yourself feel them and process them in the most comfortable way you are able.
It’s quite hard to articulate the meaning of my comment re “attachment to outcome” in written words, I’m much better verbally explaining myself ( I think..)
The key thing I’m trying to highlight is-
Please continue being exactly who you are, and express yourself exactly how you feel at the time. I believe that this is very important. No one should change how they express themselves to suit others, I have learnt this through my own thought processes on the blog, and the advise given to me also, to be myself.
The outcome issue was regarding potential hopes or expectations for how posts are responded to after they are made. And how these hopes can then hurt us if they are not met, ie someone doesn’t answer your question as an example.
With a view that when you write the post you say to yourself, I’m just expressing my opinion, it does not matter if it’s responded to, I just wanted to say it.
So if it is not responded to you can say to yourself that’s cool, and hopefully feel that too.
I need to apologise MB as I believe that I advised you in this way as I had Mis- read your comment describing HG’s comment listing names of regular commenters, when i first read it, I thought it had upset you to be named, so I responded with the outcome post hoping that it would help re- restricting how upset we can get if we are are not heard or we are misunderstood. Express and let it go kind of thing.
Re- reading it, it seems you meant it in a positive way and liked being highlighted by HG, but you thought myself and others should be included too.
Sorry MB, I’m not sleeping at the moment and I’m shattered, so I miss read and tried to respond with advise I thought may be helpful… i think I confused myself lol.. I know you take my comments with the care in which they are meant, and I thank you for reading them and responding to them in the lovely way you do…
I have a high sensitivity also and it has taken time and a lot of exposure and processing of emotion to desensitise myself to a lower level, So I totally get what you mean re – picking up things and reactions to stimulus.
Don’t go changing MB, your wonderful just as you are.
Qx
I don’t feel like you’re advising me, Quasi. I appreciate the insight you provide to me. I can’t see the forest for the trees sometimes.
And you are correct re my comment. I felt special that HG to gave me a shout out. But then the guilt hit me in the gut that I was included to the exclusion of others. On the flip side it would not have bothered me at all if he had named others and left me out. I don’t feel worthy anyway so that’s my expectation.
It feels good to be somewhere where people get me. I’ve never felt so understood and validated in my life. Who would’ve thought I’d find that on a blog about narcissism! The irony!
Thank you for all your sweetness. M x
Quasi, yes –
That’s a good map of a common territory where different adaptations take different paths and shapes, aka ‘patterns’ – which make up the personality.
Also how to separate emotion from the impulse-level of action and reaction, and process that dimension of experience as another source of information.
If we pathologised emotion less, or stopped taking emotion for granted, maybe we could teach people better emotional skills. Maybe this would also lead to less abuse?
I disagree though on one point with Don that HG —himself and what he represents is irrelevant here, “HG is Dad”.
There’s a lot of unpacking that could be done there (not today, Satan!)
MB,
This is for you lovely…
A- for the message it brings
B – for a smile … x
https://youtu.be/gh1jdJK6VU4
Quasi you are just the sweetest thing. I could just squeeze you! Thank you. I have to tell you my little story from last night…
I don’t know if you been following the “popcorn worthy” (Loved that StrongerWendy) drama going on over on NA’s letter or not, but when HG made one of his first smack down replies, he mentioned those that comment as much or more than NA. He included me in his off the top of his head list. I immediately felt guilty that he included me and did not include you. I almost commented, but you forgot Quasi, then I realized that my comment would also exclude others like T and some I didn’t think of off the top of my head and I would feel bad if I left somebody out.
Anyway, that’s a look into the overthinking, guilt-ridden mind of MB. Welcome to my world. HG was only making a point and of course the point was not, “who comments the most”. But I felt guilty for being included to the exclusion of others. Crazy, I know!
Thanks for the shout out HG. Now Ima pop over there and check out the drama that went on while I was sleeping.
MB,
This was a follow on from my first response to you, so it might make more sense when that one comes through.
I have read some of the letter comments but not all. I don’t remember seeing one naming people.
I guess I do comment a lot, but I have only been commenting for a couple of months so i Probably wouldn’t be someone that comes to his mind when advising of such things.
The thing that I would always reinforce is to know it’s not personal, and to only post a comment if your not attached to the outcome, if you see what I mean. If there is a want for certain outcomes and they do not come to fruition, and this sparks emotional reactions then it will feed that self doubt, guilt, overthinking.
Be kind to yourself MB, You present to me as an authentic and kind soul, don’t beat it up, take care of it.. x
If I wasn’t attached to the outcome, I’m not sure I’d ever say anything. I’m trying to understand what you mean Quasi. It sounds like something I really need to hear.
Hi MB,
When I use the term not being attached to the outcome, I mean to post a comment without particular expectations linked to it.
This is something I made sure I had set in my mind before I started to comment on the blog. I think on a couple of occasions my ET was strong and I sought reassurance- this happens more often when I wear myself out and I’m generally run down.
To try and give context and an example, I don’t tend to direct questions to HG, but if I did with an emotional link to expecting a response from him, and he chose not to respond, or was not able to respond for some reason; my expectation and emotional link to that may cause some upset for me.
So I try and approach commenting here with no expectations of responses, likes, from anyone, or particular interaction with HG.
If I have had a little reaction from an interaction with another blogger or HG, I learn from it, processing emotional responses and listening to them / understanding them, leads to a greater understanding of the self in my opinion.
The only reason I suggested this to you lovely MB , is through noting in some posts your self doubt and worry.
I too have expressed self doubt on a few occasions, one in particular during a very high ET state, apologising for possible offense. This was not an emotional link to my original post, but rather a reflection post posting on how it could affect others reading it. Otherwise I have tended to comment and then enagae with those who chose to engage with me.
I remember you demonstrating particular kindness towards me when I was having a moment of self doubt and worry – I guess I feel a want to reciprocate that kindness where I can.. x
Your perception of me is spot on Quasi. Self-doubt, worry, shame, and guilt are my constant companions. I am much more concerned at how my actions affect others than how theirs affect me. I also know that I spend way too much energy worrying what other people think of me. If I could only get to a point where it doesn’t matter to me what they think. But what if they are right and I am wrong? ie they think I’m a bitch and I think I’m being really nice but they are right, I really am coming off as a bitch and I didn’t mean to. So it’s easier just to base what I am on others’ perception of me and adjust accordingly. The problem with that is that you can’t please everybody all the time. But oh how I try! I know all of this, but it must work for me on some level or I wouldn’t keep doing it.