A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 64


the dancer letter

We never danced.

Not at a wedding, nor at a stag and doe.
Not at the bar, nor at a dance club.
Not at a rock concert, nor at a party.
We certainly never took dance lessons.
We never danced.

I used to lament that we had never danced.

We never danced.
Not to the titillating tango. Not to a wandering waltz. Definitely not to the passionate paso doble. While you were accomplished at the horizontal mambo (I’ll give you that); that dance is apparently no great feat for your kind.

We never danced.
We never swayed to a slow, lilting love song. Sadly,we never rocked out to a sternum strumming singalong. And we definitely never danced a jig. We never danced.

Ah, but dance me you did.
You danced me around in circles. You danced me in patterns that I could not see – yet somehow I knew innately – you hardly had to lead. That was your one area of expertise. .you chose your dance partner well. And I responded, for somewhere inside me I already knew this dance by rote. Somehow the steps were stamped into my soul. A dance best done with eyes closed shut.

I used to lament that we never danced – that we never had “a song,” that we never danced cheek to cheek, or with arms tightly clasped around each other – we didn’t even dirty dance…

Yet we did dance…a deadly dance indeed. I never realized that we were dancing the whole time.
And then something changed. In your confidence you danced me too far, too hard, or too long – my steps faltered. You saw, but too late. You tried to back me off the dance floor into a corner so far removed no one could even witness. And then you tried to engage me in the same dance. “Talk to me” you would say, but you meant “dance with me.” And I didn’t acquiesce…I faltered; you called me out but it was too late. My dancing shoes had worn out beyond repair…

What did you expect? That we could buy a new pair of shoes for me? How so? When there was nothing left.

And did you think I’d dance down to threads and bloodied toes?

You walked away. You didn’t care.

And when you returned, you simply expected that I’d just be there waiting on the dance floor, with thread-barren shoes, for you to pick up the dance again? Ha.

I had cast off the shoes and ran away, bare toes exposed, tender feet unprotected but free – you didn’t expect that did you?
You didn’t think I had it in me.

So now, in retrospect,  I celebrate the fact that we never danced; a real dance. A true dance. The one area of my life (the one corner of my heart) that you didn’t manage to infiltrate. To taint.

I hear that narcs can fake a lot of things – but we never danced – because you can’t fake rhythm. And I will relish that thought until the end of my days. And I will relish that thought every time I dance, without you

17 thoughts on “A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 64

  1. S. Grace says:

    Beautifully written!

  2. WhoCares says:

    Joyascending – thank-you for sharing your experiences. I’m sorry that your memories of dancing are entwined with the reality of what you discovered about your narc. What a horrible way for him to devalue you and triangulate in such an in-your-face manner.

    Whenever I hear of comments where someone discovered evidence of lies and cheating by checking their partners phone I have mixed reactions…on occasion I wish I had had the nerve to do the same (although my narc always had protective apps on his phone and would be certain to tell me of them; so likely would not have been fruitful anyway).. I realize now that mine must have been engaging others (to what level; I may never know – and I truly don’t care…I’ve been post formal relationship for a while now.) While I acknowledge your pain in discovering this; I wish I had the same experience because it would have been a clear cut decision for me (like you said, you left him the next day). I ‘danced’ for a lot longer than I should have…

    Glad to hear that you have moved on; but yes, as you say, some scars never do heal.

    1. Joyascending says:

      Thank you WhoCares, I didn’t mean to steal your thunder, but your letter really resonated in me. I still avoid bars where there is dancing. You speak truth. And you do care.

      1. WhoCares says:

        Joyascending – to reassure you; you didn’t steal anyone’s thunder. I often respond simply because someone else’s post has resonated with me.

  3. Joyascending says:

    Thank you for that letter. In the literal sense, when my narc and I were first dating, one night he wanted to go dancing. Then when we got to the club, he said “I bet I can get any attractive woman here in this bar,” and left me sitting alone. I wandered around looking for him, found him later in a tight embrace slow dance with a very hot lady. I was so humiliated I wandered outside in tears. He returned, and said “see? But its really you I want.” When he did dance with me, it was never perfect enough. My hips didn’t move right. I didn’t have the right jeans with circle pockets. The last night we went out, bar hopping (the promise of a nice dinner suddenly vanished) he hit on every woman he could. People were laughing at him. A lady came up to me and said we are just having fun, and I said yeah right. He went crazy, started screaming at me that I was ruining his life. Humiliating me, even my glasses, and he up and left. I couldn’t find him. Return to my car, he had left his cell phone. I checked it and found dozens of text messages to his ex, whom he said he hated, she ruined his life, etc. What sort of horror that was. I had to have the neighbor stand nearby while I got my things out of his house the next morning. People have no idea how painful this dance you describe perfectly. So, yeah. I never danced with my narc either. And the scars never truly heal.

  4. windstorm says:

    Very beautiful letter, very well written. Great insights

  5. Gal83 says:

    Hello HG

    I met this guy online and he seems a little bit odd. I wonder if he is a narcissist. He is divorced, 4 of his many exes had blocked him from contact including his ex wife. I think it’s a little bit strange, could it be a red flag? One of his exes “escaped him and left for another” and he was “devastated and suicidal”. But life goes on and he lost hope she would come back to him so he started dating again. Also he gave me a link to his music profile and he still listens to songs about the ex who escaped. I also checked the history and there are some gaps when he was dating someone else – he didn’t listen to these songs during dating another women but when these short relationships were over he was listening them again. Is it possible he is a normal guy with a broken heart? She escaped him 2 years ago, he started dating a month later (but he was “suicidal” lol). I think a normal guy would recover during 2 years and wouldn’t date so soon if he was really devastated. And the blocking – so many red flags. And he really wants to meet me, he says he look for real love, he wants someone who is mature enough to give him love which will finally last forever. What do you think?

    1. HG Tudor says:

      Use Date Defender Consultation – please see the menu bar.

      1. Joyascending says:

        Now if only there could be the HG TUDOR APP… just a thought 😜

  6. Nina says:

    Beautiful letter. Poetry. The ending makes me happy for the writer.

  7. Eloise says:

    My upper mid-ranger liked to dance, but I always covered for him, put in the extra steps, whatever. He did realize this, as I eventually discovered. He really didn’t have rhythm, didn’t feel the music. I look forward to dancing with those who do.

  8. Ting says:

    It is much, much better dancing without them.

  9. shesaw says:

    Such a beautiful letter

  10. Empress1 says:

    Lovely, and honestly looking back, we were never really there anyway- we were just in ‘love’ with the fantasy, the illusion. They never let us in enough to truly love, to feel calm, to be friends, to be honest to really have a relationship. Yes, all smoke and mirrors, nothing was real. I think our egos also talked to us a lot- “You need to win.You cannot lose to something like this” If you love him enough the smoke and mirrors, the pain will end- the smog will clear and you will find your self in heaven” That is what our own egos told us! I do think we need to take some of the responsibility for what happened. DO NOT LET IT HAPPEN AGAIN– as HG says GOSO!!!!!

  11. Lisa says:

    Love this letter. Perfectly thought out.

  12. Caroline says:

    Poetry in motion.


  13. Quasi says:

    Stunning letter, beautifully written, with fantastic style…

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