Twisted

 

TWISTED-2

How could you be so twisted? I gave you absolutely everything. I opened my heart to you and gave you a perfect love which is beyond compare. I let you in to my world and shared everything with you. Nothing was kept from you. I knew that you were the one, the one person who amidst all the treachery and deceit in this cruel, harsh world who would take care of me. I recognised that you would shield me and protect me from the perfidious foes that lurked seeking to destroy me. I gave you everything that I had. I poured my love into our relationship, investing in it because I knew that this time it was my soul mate who stood before me. You made me so happy because you knew what I needed. You gave me what I wanted and also what I needed and you lifted me heavenwards with that beautiful brand of love that only you can possess. Our relationship was built on the firmest of foundations and promised a glittering and marvellous future. We had so much in common. You liked what I liked and I liked what you liked. So many times I would remark to my friends that it was such serendipity that we had found one another. There is so much hurt in the world, so much darkness beyond the front door and we found one another, two shining lights that when combined we burned brightly and brilliantly.

Nobody made me feel the way you did. At times, eloquent and articulate as I am, I struggled to find the words to convey what you did for me. Your selflessness and devotion were breath-taking and naturally I reciprocated. I put you first. From the moment I rose until the moment I let slumber take me, I had you and only you in my thoughts. As our mighty empire grew around us, I planned for us both. I looked forward and constructed a happy, fulfilling and most of all loving future for us both. We had no need to look back at the past. We had both been hurt by those who acted to their own agendas. I suppose that is why we found such a need in one another and one that we could both address. It was as if we had been cut from the same cloth. Two pieces of a fabulous and stunning garment that just needed to be stitched together and once combined cloaked us in magnificence. Our brilliance was never ostentatious. Most definitely other people would look upon us and comment as to our satisfaction, but not smugness. People would remark about how happy we looked and they were genuinely delighted for us, there was no envy in their words or expressions. We had it all. We had found one another and I believed in you, I believed in us. I gave every ounce of my being to you in order to ensure that what we had did not crumble to dust. I strained every sinew, fired every synapse and poured my very essence into us. I could not have given more of myself to you. From the material to the ethereal I ensured it was all directed onto you in order to ensure you knew how deep and perfect my love for you was and is. I melded with you, combined, conjoined and became one because I knew. I knew with a certainty that I had never met before that this time, this time I had found my angel, my muse, my protector and my soul mate. Such was the treasured nature of this find that I knew I had to do everything in my power to maintain that you and I remained as one. There was no hope for anything else. I could never do anything to hurt or harm you and thus spoil this most precious union. Every waking moment was dedicated to preserving our special relationship. Each word, each act and each thought revolved around the concept of us and I wanted more than any desire that I have ever known to keep us together.

Yet you destroyed that. How could you? How could you render into the dirt and ashes what we had? How could you betray me so viciously? How could you twist what we had built together so that it was no longer recognisable? A warped and corrupted image of what had been so magnificent, so perfect and what I thought was so impregnable. You perverted our creation, the poison which flowed so readily and alarmed me with the speed by which you were able to summon it. The toxicity which clouded my vision, stinging my eyes, filling my nose and mouth as I choked on the malevolent fumes. Where did this come from? I had never seen this about you. In all the time we spent together, and we spent a lot of time together, not once did I see anything that would indicate that beneath your beauty and your tenderness lay this vast repository of hatred and malice. How could you be so twisted as to unleash all of this against me after everything that I had done for you, after everything I had done for us? It makes no sense. There is no logic in what you did, no rationale for taking what we had and then rending it apart, pouring acid upon it so it melted into awful shapes, searing it with flame so that it bubbled, cracked and split becoming something terrible and fearsome. So many times I have asked myself why did you do this? We had the world beneath us and then for some incomprehensible reason you wrapped your hands around it and began to dismantle and destroy it. No sane individual would do this would they? Only someone sick would act this way. Someone who has something very wrong with them would let me down in this way, after giving and promising so much, to then cast it all asunder. A twisted and hateful game is what you made the concept of us become and your warped actions have exacted a severe cost to my well-being. You have tried to break and destroy me. Why did you do this after all that I have given you, after everything I have done, after all the love, affection and dedication that I have shown to you? Only someone twisted could behave this way.

Do I speak these words or am I hearing them? Perhaps I speak them as they are spoken to me as I look into the mirror? Are these my words, your words or do they belong to both of us?

 

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12 thoughts on “Twisted”

  1. Such a timely post. I escaped yesterday. My last words to him as I dropped him off: I love you. Then I went home, packed my things and left. No note. Blocked on phone and text, as well as all his friends and family. All previous messages, in any form, deleted. Blocked on social media. Private PO box hired. No go-betweens, no lieutenants reporting back. I had nowhere to go, but went anyway. Far away. And he never saw it coming.

    I know from past experience that he will rant, rave, rage. Likely break things. I know that he will TRY to send nasty messages or calls with ridiculous threats and accusations, spun to his benefit, making me the villain. HE will be blameless. After awhile, he will rethink that and the honey will start to flow. The “we were perfect, and you destroyed it, why? What about our spiritual connection? You’re my Twin Flame, how could you do this? just tell me why…” and “baby, please come home” will start. All with an undertone that I am an idiot, that I’m blind, that I don’t understand anything…

    I understand that I am broke, homeless, but I am not, even on day 2, reeling with anxiety. I feel….peace. Hard to accept that, it’s been so hard to come by lately.

    What I don’t feel is hope. I know that he is not going to get another (or different) job that will allow him to pay his own expenses and solve his own problems. He is not going to get up off his gym-trained ass and do anything -not clean the house, not do the laundry, not look for work, not wash MY car, none of this. He’s going to smoke himself stupid and ruminate. He is king shit of turd mountain and he is ENTITLED to this luxury lifestyle that I paid for and he now complains about. This is in the real world. Not in my head, not in my heart, not in the spiritual realm. This is nothing to do with feelings or what I “believe”, or WANT to believe. This is cold, hard FACT, proven out by his past actions over time.

    I don’t think that he will muster the effort needed to find out where I am or to come after me if he can even find me. That would take time and money and EFFORT on his part. Since I know he’s grievously wounded, he will withdraw, possibly quit his job, create an additional victimhood drama, blamed on me, that he or others will TRY to tell me about so that I can come to the rescue, bail him out, fix the problem, save his life AGAIN. But, but …now I’m the one who RUINED his life and took all the money he had on the way out, with the rent due in 5 days. Why even bother to call someone who’s capable of that kind of treachery?
    Besides, I won’t be there to tell.

    1. Kelly…you are so brave dollface! My escape and situation is quite similar, so you will make it and you will shine throughout the journey. I escaped on 3/17/2018, he never saw it coming as well. I moved my shit into storage while he was away, lived in my car and sofas of friends for 2 weeks. I am assurred now that he knew he would never be able to maintain my standards of living or strive to build the empire that I believed we could. Him proclaiming of having the same desire and motivation to do so was absolutely absurd. For him to think for one minute that he possesses a quarter of my fierce badassness is absurd. Because of this, I am confident that he won’t have the balls to execute a tangible hoover. People who know us both know him well enough that they will discount anything said in efforts to smear me. Instead, he is going with the “I want everyone (everyone not in his army) to believe that I tried to give her everything and still love her deeply, but she’s not interested in even being my friend.” I could care less what he tells the harem and narc army about me. This makes me optimistic for the work I continue to do on myself and makes NC much easier. It’s disgusting that his lovebombing had me wrapped up in some fairy tale for a hot minute. I hate that I crave a love and partnership so beautiful and amazing (the kind I’ve read about and daydream about) and had the unfortunate pleasure of experiencing it for the first time with such an incapable human being. Yuck!

    2. Hahahahahaha you go girl😀😀😀😭😭 let him sit in his own shit……

  2. OHHHHH Such good bullshit…YOU DO NOT KNOW WHAT LOVE FEELS LIKE, HOW TO GIVE BECAUSE YOU FEEL EMPATHY AND BE CONNECTED TO HUMAN EMOTIONS. YOU KEEP LOOKING FOR THINGS TO FILL THE BLACK HOLE IN YOU. BUT THAT IS WHAT YOU ARE A BLACK HOLE.

    1. Healing victim, thanks for your comments but do you know when you write in capitals, it’s considered like you are “shouting”.!!! It’s a bit “in your face”!!! Makes my eyes kinda just not wanna read it. I think people could get more out of your comments if they were not in capitals. Just thought I would say. Hope you do not take offence…

  3. HG,
    I suppose that escaping the narcissist is a huge blow to his ego. So he will do anything in his power to make you come back, he needs to convince himself that he is superior and can make you change a decision.

    But what if you come back? I mean not after a week but months or a year? Ok initially he would be happy he feels superior again – he made the impossible happen, you are his again. But can he forget how “badly” you treated him? From his point of view it was you who let him down, he doesn’t ses his faults. So can he forgive you and start the golden period again like nothing happened? Will he ever use the argument “you left me” to punish you more when the devaluation comes?

    1. Yes, the reset button is pressed and your treachery is struck from the record. Then in devaluation, it reappears because we do and say whatever is needed in the moment to serve our needs.

  4. HG if you have the time to do so I was wondering if you could answer a question for me? I’m still a bit shaken up. Not even an hour and a half ago I was in a line up waiting for coffee, i felt arms intertwining me around my waist from behind, and as I whipped around to see who it was, well it was the ex. I untangled myself and without a word started to walk away. But as I was doing so he snatched my left arm and had it in a bit of a vice grip. He noticed the engagement ring on my left hand and yelled ( of course loud enough to make sure the entire shop heard) “You whore. Slut.You promised to love me forever.Guess that was a bunch of bs.” I walked away without a word. He is blocked from everything. It would be hard to get a hold of me. But I do worry..will he start hoovering me? Or will he just let it be?

    1. That was a hoover. As to future conduct, hoovering is governed by the Hoover Triggers and the Hoover Execution Criteria. If you want specific help with regard to the level of risk in your situation you should organise a consultation.

  5. these letters little Collins are freaking fantastic I just figured it out after 6 years of being with my roommate that he is actually narcissistic I had no idea cuz I really didn’t know what it meant I suppose and oddly enough I had just accidentally stumbled upon an article about narcissism and wow what a trip it freaked me out it was like they asked him questions and he answered and it was him do it to you is so scary so thank you for all of these articles are very helpful I have a question but I have to remember which article I read to ask a question so it makes sense thank you again this is awesome

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