A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 67

khalessi letter

To the exN,

No.

I don’t want to get back together with you. I don’t want to be your friend. I don’t trust you anymore. There is nothing to salvage. Our relationship is over. This is not a game. I don’t want you to try harder. I don’t want your empty promises of a lovely future together. I know you. I know that you’re incapable of truly loving anyone. More importantly, it would never work because I don’t feel the same way about you. What I felt for you is gone and I couldn’t get it back even if I wanted to. I know and understand too much now. Why would I ever go down that road with you again?

Yes, I broke my promise to you. I forgive myself for that. When I promised to always be there for you I thought you were someone else. I thought the things you said to me were true. I thought you loved me the way I loved you. That was before. Before the lies and cheating. Before the head games and manipulations. Before you crushed me and made me feel less than. Before HG.

In your mind I “screwed you over” by breaking this promise. You want me to “stop trying to think logically and get back to my emotional side”. What a joke. Seriously. I’ve always been logical as well as emotional. Once I learn something it can’t be unlearned. I won’t close my eyes to the truth, or give you my love again, so you can feel better about yourself.

Yes, I agree, it is comical how I was afraid of losing you for so long and now it’s you trying so hard to get me back. How I blamed myself for not being enough for you. How I tried so hard to make things right between us for years. How I believed that we were meant to be together because our love was so strong. I was asleep and dreaming a beautiful dream. That’s all it was.

Then I woke up. I broke up with you. The tables turned. You didn’t think I had it in me. You thought that I cared more about you than I do for myself. You thought I was weak. You were wrong.

I was ready for the Grand Hoover (that’s what it’s called when you did what you did, you know, calling and messaging over and over trying to save our relationship). What I wasn’t prepared for was the length of time you would continue to try after my silence. I really thought you would give up by now. HG calls it “fuel obsession” and I believe him. Once upon a time I would’ve believed this meant that you really loved me and that I was mistaken about you being a narc. Not anymore. I know better now. I know the truth.

You didn’t know what you had until it was gone? Not my problem. Move on. I have.
Khaleesi
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33 thoughts on “A Letter to the Narcissist – No. 67”

  1. Thank you everyone. I’m still happily living a narc free life. I’m enjoying myself so much that I forget how unhappy I had become sometimes. I still check out this blog and watch for new books from HG. I wish the best for all of you and hope you get to this point.
    It’s been a while but every once in a while I had the urge to contact the narc just to test myself. Best thing I did was have another consult with HG. He set me straight. 🙂 I have an agreement with myself that if I ever feel like reaching out I give it 24 hours. If at that point I still think it’s a good idea I set up a consult with HG. I think it’s been 9 months since I last spoke with HG. Not that I don’t enjoy the conversations, quite the opposite, but I’m so happy that I don’t need to anymore. I will always be grateful to those of you on this blog who helped me. I spent so much time reading every post and all of the comments. Thanks again to HG. I hope you know how much you helped me.

    1. “I don’t trust you anymore…. I don’t want your empty promises of a lovely future together…. it would never work because I don’t feel the same way about you. What I felt for you is gone and I couldn’t get it back even if I wanted to.”

      Had I not burned it to the ground, and if he even cared enough to try (remains to be seen, only on day 3!), these would be my words. It is beyond repair and I’ve given up the emotional “hopey changey” habit. There can be no trust, even if he did a complete 180.

      Thank you for your words – they encourage me. My journey at this point is the mental bad habits that continue to make me anxious, paranoid and fearful that he will just show up where I am, no matter how, logically thinking, unlikely that might be. So far, there is no emotional BS that makes me want to reach out. I recognize it for what it is – illusion and emotional thinking. It helps that I’ve blocked him and all his friends and family everywhere and am able to disengage from any desire to look at social media for any reason – been down that road before. I resolved when I left that there would be not one more word, not one more keystroke.

      Anyone else have trouble with anxiety, paranoia, panic and the like after going no contact?

  2. Thank you for your response, HG! So it sounds like the narc will exploit kindness and patience regardless whether the appliance remains white throughout, correct?

  3. Looks like I am not the only one with an ex Narc who just won’t quit, and just can’t change

  4. ‘You want me to “stop trying to think logically and get back to my emotional side”.’

    I could totally believe a narc would say this. You faulty appliance, you!

  5. Yes! You go, girl. This is how I feel too. Just wish I had found HG before the hoovering began. Things would not have dragged out for another four months when he (once again) mistook kindness and patience for weakness…

    1. Smh

      I’m struggling today. This is when it always gets hard when you get into a few weeks nc

      In still struggling with the fact he blocked me from a profile I didn’t even know about. I dont why he did yet hasn’t blocked me on his phone. It’s all so weird

      1. Glad you reached out, Lori. Their logic is not one that we mere mortals can ever hope to figure out, even with HG’s help. If we could figure it out, they wouldn’t be doing it, right? I mean for us there is no logic to having a ‘relationship’ that turns into a battle at every turn. Their logic is a mystery, though HG has given us a lot of insights. I’m guessing from what I have read here that yours has probably done what he’s done simply to confuse you and make you think about him. He’s keeping you focused on him!! That is what mine is doing when he creeps me online. It used to work. Not so much anymore. Why do they want to keep us focused? Well, fuel. It gives them a rush to know that you, me, we, are thinking about them and it makes them feel powerful that they have control over another person.

        I found it useful when I struggled to keep track of my moods and look for a pattern. When did I miss him (what time of the day? where was I)? Why? About a month into the last round of NC (last fall), I was writing almost every day. I then broke NC after six months and it took four months to disengage again. The next round (2 months now) has not been that difficult because of this site and because I escaped, so the decision was mine and I am embracing it. No more struggles, no more writing about my moods, no more having moods! I’m not even really doing NC (haven’t blocked him). He’s just mostly gone from my head. I promise you will get there but when you feel yourself struggling, try writing it out and remember that there is a logic. It is just not one that we intuitively grasp. Hugs!

      2. SMH – my learning has been that he was out of my head for 2 months too after I escaped – I did not blocked him all the time /
        Was doing the blocking – unblocking – first Hoover failed – second succeeded and now he is all over my head again – was my second escape.
        Just saying / if you are not thinking about him – block him- you will forget you have blocked him but will be safe when he Hoover’s . My 2 cents

      3. Hi OMJ, I appreciate your advice as that is exactly what I went through over and over. But this time was different since I escaped rather than him disappearing (he never really discarded me). Post-escape I also kind of went nuts on him because that is when I really called him out for his psycho behavior, so I doubt he will reappear. I am not really sure how to block him at this point anyway since we are now in different countries and I don’t have his number, though he has mine (I’m not changing it just because of him). My email doesn’t allow blocking. It would just go to spam where I would see it anyway. And the only social networking site we are both on would require me to go to his profile in order to block him, which he would see and which would require me to see him (I am trying to avoid that). If he creeps me again I might have to. Otherwise, he has one fake profile that I know of, but he can always make another one so blocking the fake isn’t going to help. I’m not sure what else to do…

      4. I am not an expert it was easy for me to block all his numbers – his flying monkeys and coteries because I knew their numbers and profile .

        So in any case – I am not trying to patronize you but maybe someone more tech savvy could help.

        Just saying … I escaped with very good reasons – perfect scenario etc – if it was to redo – I would never unblock him – I felt free without him in my life – now I feel tie down again – even if we have limited interactions. I know I willl really escape – now I know it needs to be better planned.

      5. We don’t know anyone in common, though our kids went to school together at one point (we did not know each other then and the kids don’t know each other), so I don’t have to worry about flying monkeys. We are permanently in different countries now, though distance never stopped him before. I definitely know what you are saying, OMJ. It probably wouldn’t take much for him to wrap his tentacles around me again…just don’t know how I can keep him from contacting me if he chooses. But what I can do is not give him an excuse and not enter his hoover spheres…now that I know that’s what was happening. Once again this site has given me the tools to change things.

      6. When I suggested you write, by the way, I meant to yourself, not to him. I have a document called ‘moods’ (ha) that I keep on my computer. I haven’t added to it in ages but it is probably 20 pages long.

    2. HG, is this true that a narc sees kindness and patience as weakness regardless of whether he sees a particular individual white or black?

      1. Kindness and patience are there to be exploited – the narcissist may praise such virtues in order to bind the victim and draw a response which is positive fuel (during seduction) and then test and mock these traits to draw negative fuel during devaluation.

      2. Oh yes HG … you saw my patience tested you had a first row . Shit did he ever pushed me – another week, another week , another 2 weeks , etc etc … I gave up at 2 millimetres but maybe he would have pushed it again too. Fuck was my patience tested – I had a goal and we almost made it – but he is a greater at the summit of his art so I went to the end of me and was vacillating more and more every day- getting angrier and annoyed and life has put the IPSS /narc in front of me and I had to run from both fast and furious.

        In a way – it made me be where I am now and succeed with 2 months NC. Although I broke NC and even though I still like to interac from distance with him – I am not the same – I saw what he is capable of . He can hold a long siege with his army of IPSS. I am not the same anymore .

      3. SMH – your “mood journal” for identifying moods and patterns is an excellent idea. I’m definitely going to try that. Thanks for sharing

      4. It really helped me, MM. In fact, it was key to getting me through six months NC (which I inadvertently blew in the end but I won’t do that again). I hope it helps you too.

      5. Good luck with your continued NC, SMH.

        I had a little wobble a few weeks ago when I accidentally saw (and read) a hoover email that he’d sent me. I didn’t know that mail from blocked addresses goes into my trash folder and it took me completely by surprise. I just strapped myself in and read HG’s posts continuously until the urge to contact him (finally) subsided. I also blocked his mobile number, and even though my phone doesn’t ring when he calls now, he is still somehow able to leave voicemail messages and I then get a text message to tell me that I have a new voicemail… how helpful… not! NC is difficult enough without having to deal with sabotage too

      6. MM, I was just explaining to someone here why blocking is such a problem – the spam folder, having to go to his profile if I want to block it, etc. And now you mention yours somehow leaving voicemails. It is not just a question of having the will to do it. The way isn’t easy! Good luck!

      7. Sorry for the late response, SMH. I seem to be going between narcsite.com and WordPress and I’m either struggling to locate comments or the reply function doesn’t seem to always be available. Social media isn’t my forte though, so I’m probably just being a bit dense lol.

        I loved it when your said “And now you mention yours somehow leaving voicemails” referring to my GEN like that is refreshingly dismissive and takes a lot of power and superiority away from him… and he would be absolutely incensed if he knew haha

        I am 100% sure that I won’t break my NC with him now. I’m ‘cured’ as far as he’s concerned. My only problem at the start of going NC was that I felt guilty for ghosting him. As soon as I worked out that he was a narcissist my self protection kicked in and I had to put immediate distance between us and go NC. I had tried to end our relationship a couple of times before I discovered what he was and he had completely bombarded me with audio and video calls and messages on several different platforms, emails, photos, even snail mail, etc. Every means of contact he had for me he (over) used to reach out and pull me back in. It was so over the top that I was actually embarrassed for him. I knew that I could help to appease my feelings of guilt if I knew that he is aware of what he is and does… cue HG… with his invaluable and timely assistance and insight I was able to ascertain that ‘mine’ 😜 is a GEN and as such it’s extremely unlikely that he isn’t self aware. Phew!

        I’m still coming to terms with the way I behaved and being pretty high on the empathic spectrum, every fibre of my being was screaming that how I finally ended it with him was a really horrible way to treat someone, immature and completely against my own strict moral code. I’m not used to putting myself first either, but after being subjected to varying degrees of narcissistic abuse my whole life (mother, father, step father, ex husband, a few boyfriends), I’m not being dramatic when I say that I could easily end up in a padded cell. I know that I don’t have another entanglement with a narcissist in me, so I need to be super vigilant. I’m not planning to date again for a while (if at all), but if I do I’ll ask HG to give him the once over first.

        How is your NC going now?

      8. Hi MM, Thank you for your response. My narc, your narc, her narc etc – we own them, right? Not the other way around!! ‘Yours’ does seem over the top. Mine was more restrained but still, each time he hoovered I would be shocked because it had always ended on a pretty sour note. I found it remarkable that he would act like nothing had happened. Still, I don’t think he will return because I outdid myself in the horrible, immature and backstabbing department post-escape. I think so he wouldn’t reach out – it was like kicking him to the curb. Maybe that’s why you behaved the way you did too, especially as Mr GEN 🙂 seems to have been very persistent and something of a pest (mine could be too but mostly after I escaped or when I was still in the Golden Period).

        Do I feel guilty? I’m not proud but I don’t feel guilty either because I cut him a lot of slack and tried hard to figure out what he wanted and how to make it work. I’m sure you did too. I don’t think any of us are used to putting ourselves first but sometimes it is about survival. Do I think about him? Occasionally but I am not struggling with NC right now. I too must be cured! And I am perfectly happy not dating right now either. What I think helped is that he has moved and we are permanently in different countries. Distance never really stopped us before but the whole structure of our interactions, which were very routinized, would have to change. I cannot see that happening.

        Anyway, glad you are free of Mr Gen. I didn’t find this site until post-escape so never ran anything by HG in a consultation. But I will if Mr UMR resurfaces.

  6. Absolutely Fabulous. so want that strength and closure in my mind too, I’m getting closer every day, these letters help so much. Thank you Khaleesi and thank you HG for all your help.

  7. Great letter! I feel in a similar fashion, there is no going back to believing them once you learn from HG. The behaviours are no longer intriguing and it’s clearer once logic rules emotion. For this, I am so grateful to HG.

  8. Great letter. I like the clear logic and firm boundaries demonstrated through the words. The writer is direct and to the point without being hurtful or insulting. Way to go! Well done Khaleesi. The narcissist had his/her chances and blew it. That is not something you need to feel responsible for.

  9. Really powerful – translate a lot of what has gone and going through my head. I feel your strength and it is inspirational 🙂

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